Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Dallas @ N.Y. Giants
Dallas suffered another heartbreaking defeat on Thanksgiving, falling to the Broncos 24-21 in overtime. Ron Dayne's 55-yard run set up Jason Elam's chip shot 24-yard field goal to sink the Cowboys.
"You want to know how I felt after that loss," says Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells. "It felt like getting stopped for speeding in Plano, Texas, and having the cops search your car and find a crack pipe. It's very disconcerting. What? That happened to Michael Irvin? Is that a crime? A crack pipe in your car? It shouldn't be, at least not for Michael Irvin. In Michael's fleet of vehicles, the crack pipe comes standard, just like air conditioning."
You have to hand it to ESPN. They didn't sweep the Irvin incident under the table. In fact, Stuart Scott questioned Irvin about the entire incident in a heartfelt segment on Monday Night Countdown. Then, to lighten the mood, after a picture of Irvin in an orange jump suit and handcuffs flashed on the screen, Scott shouted, "Is this how you go to work?!" Then, the MNC crew announced a new segment called "Jacked Up! and Patted Down!" Finally, the segment in which the MNC crew picks the Monday night game was renamed the "Crack Pipe Lock" in lieu of its original name, the "Lead Pipe Lock."
New York kicker Jay Feely may have been on crack while missing three field goals last Sunday against the Seahawks, any one of which would have won the game. But he's taken the abuse inherent of someone who blew three chances to win a game, and good-naturedly laughed it off when teammates leashed a goat to his vehicle outside of the Giants' practice facility.
"That's mighty funny," says Feely. "I guarantee my teammates this: I won't let them down again. If they give me three chances to win a game again, I promise to come through on one of them."
Tiki Barber rushes for 110 yards, and Eli Manning throws two touchdown passes.
The Giants take control of the NFC East with a 24-20 win.
Atlanta @ Carolina
It's time to start jockeying for position in the NFC South, and the Panthers, Falcons, and Buccaneers each have four division games remaining. Last year, Atlanta swept the Panthers on their way to the division crown. Can they repeat?
"It's already Vick 1, Carolina 0," says Michael Vick. "My younger brother, Marcus, led the Virginia Tech Hokies to a 30-3 win over the North Carolina Tar Heels last Saturday. As soon as Marcus joins me in the NFL, we will be the greatest brother quarterback duo in the league, right behind the Manning's, Hasselbeck's, and McCown's. If the last two weeks are any indication, we just need to score 14 points, because the Panthers can't score more than 13."
Two weeks ago, the Bears held the Panthers to just three points. Last week, Buffalo surrendered only thirteen while falling to the Panthers 13-9. That's an average of eight points a game, and eight points won't beat many teams, although it is just barely enough to beat the Colts, provided the Colts were given only one offensive possession.
"Sure, we're struggling to score points," says Panthers coach John Fox, "but if we're not scoring on a Steve Smith 75-yard catch and run or a Stephen Davis one-yard run, then we're not scoring. This is a huge game for us, as well as for me, personally. The last team that lost to the Falcons, the Lions, had their coach fired the following week. I'm slightly nervous. If we can play with the same type of aggression and intensity that Ric Flair displayed in his recent road rage explosion, we should do fine."
Fox keeps his job, and Jake Delhomme throws two touchdown passes, one to Smith.
Panthers win, 24-20.
Buffalo @ Miami
If you put J.P. Losman and Gus Frerotte is a room with a football and told them to play catch, what would happen? Well, even though no one else is in the room, Losman and Frerotte would somehow throw interceptions, and they eventually would end up standing against the wall wearing baseball caps and holding a clipboard.
"Wait a minute, pal," says Frerotte. "I made it through the entire game last week, and actually threw two touchdowns."
You sound just as surprised as I am, Gus. Okay, I'll give you that. You had a good game. But let me throw a few numbers out at you: 65.3 and 68.5.
"That sounds like completion percentages," says Frerotte. "Mine must be the higher one; J.P.'s must be the lower one."
You're right about one thing, Gus. Yours is the highest, but that's your passer rating. Your completion percentage is 52%, Losman's is 51%.
"So, together, we're completing over 100% of our passes," says Frerotte. "That's awesome!"
Sorry, Gus, it doesn't work like that, but why am I talking about quarterbacks anyway? This game is all about who can run the ball. The Bills' Willis McGahee is in a mild slump, while Miami's Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown backfield is producing. A successful rushing attack means less passes by an inaccurate quarterback.
Williams and Brown combine for 130 yards, and the Miami defense sacks Losman four times.
Miami wins, 20-13.
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
The Bengals built a 34-0 lead last week before allowing 21 unanswered points, and 29 in the second half, from the Ravens on their way to an eventual 42-29 over their division rival. No team this year has allowed 21 unanswered points to the Ravens, and not many have allowed 21 points to the Ravens, period. Which begs the question: do the Bengals have the killer instinct necessary to make a playoff run?
"Killer instinct?" says Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer. "Are you kidding? Racking up a 34-0 lead is 'killer instinct' in my book. Of course, I'm just speaking for the offense. I don't speak for our defense. If the last two games are any indication, no one speaks for the defense, because they've given up 74 points in those two games. But on offense, we've got a lot of talkers, most notably Chad Johnson."
Johnson is the new king of the touchdown celebration, now that Terrell Owens is done for the year. Last week, after a 54-yard TD catch, Johnson putted the football with the end zone pylon.
"And I sunk it, baby," says Johnson, "just like Fred Funk did at the Skin's Game last week. There's got to be a rapper named 'Fred Funk.' If there's not, there should be. Or maybe we just need a professional golfer named 'Busta Rhymes.' Anyway, when I score against the Steelers, you'll see me arrange the other 10 members of my offense like bowling pins. Then, I'll run right through them, knocking them all down for a strike. Or, I might put on a Troy Polamalu wig and recreate his Sports Illustrated cover pose."
Sunday's game is huge for both teams. With a win, the Bengals would be in the running for a possible playoff bye, and, at the very least, a home playoff game. A loss, and the Steelers take solid control of the division, with two wins over the Bengals. That would leave Cincinnati scrapping for a wildcard berth with Jacksonville, San Diego, and Kansas City.
The Steelers bounce back from Monday's loss in Indy, and, once again, put the clamps on the Bengals offense. Duce Staley rushes for a touchdown, and Ben Roethlisberger throws a TD pass to Hines Ward, who celebrates by proposing to the end zone pylon.
Pittsburgh wins 23-17
Green Bay @ Chicago
For the first time this season, the Packers and Bears meet in a NFC North showdown, and the tables are turned. Usually, it's the lowly Bears looking up at the division-leading Packers. Not this time. The Bears, at 8-3, lead the division, while the Packers are 2-9 and assured of their first losing season since 1992.
"But I'm bringing a bag of tricks to this one," says Packers quarterback Brett Favre.
"I think Brett means 'bag of picks,'" says Bears quarterback Nathan Vasher, who has already called dibs on Favre's first interception this Sunday.
Favre is fourth in the NFL with 19 touchdown passes, but leads the league with 19 interceptions.
"People have always told me I was in a league by myself," says Favre. "I guess they were talking about interceptions. Nobody ever said I wasn't generous. And what's this about fans running on to the field? First, a fan in Cincinnati takes the ball right out of my hands. Then, a fan in Philadelphia runs out and spreads his mother's ashes on the field. Look, guys, if you're going to be on the field, at least try to get open and I'll try to get you the ball. It's not like I have a whole lot of receivers to throw to. And keep in mind, ashen human remains make a great cure for sweaty palms."
Is there a Vegas line on the number of Brett Favre interceptions for this game? Of course there is. Vegas has a line for everything. I would say it's 2½. Would anyone dare take the under?
"Not us," says Vasher, flashing a huge smile while strumming on his guitar. "I'm picking and grinning."
Favre throws three picks, the first of which leads to a Chicago touchdown. The Bears play with a lead, which means they won't lose.
Chicago wins, 20-14.
Houston @ Baltimore
Houston's David Carr and Baltimore's Kyle Boller both threw three touchdown passes last week in losses to the Rams and Bengals, respectively. Carr did so in building a 24-3 lead against the Rams, while Boller threw his three TDs after the Ravens had fallen behind the Bengals 34-0.
"David and myself have a lot in common," says Boller. "We both are 6'3", we both threw three touchdowns last week, we're both right-handed, and we're both quarterbacks of the future, although that's highly debatable, unless you consider the 'future' as 'next week.' And, although we may take different routes, the destination is usually the same: a loss."
With that in mind, the question has to be asked: what, if anything, can salvage this season?
"A plunger?" replies Ravens' coach Brian Billick.
"A time machine?" adds the Texans Dom Capers.
The plunger sounds more appropriate, gentlemen.
Boller throws for a score, and Matt Stover kicks two field goals as the Ravens win, 27-24.
Jacksonville @ Cleveland
Jacksonville improved to 8-3 and won their fourth straight with a 24-17 win at Arizona. The win came at a cost, as starting quarterback Byron Leftwich suffered a broken ankle, and is out at least four weeks.
"It's the year of the backup quarterback," says Jacksonville's Jack Del Rio, "and we've got a good one in David Garard. Byron should be back in time for the playoffs. We're speeding the healing process by using a hyperbaric chamber on Byron's ankle. I think that's the same kind of chamber that Michael Jackson sleeps in, so Byron has to watch how much time he spends in there, otherwise he might turn white and lose a nose."
For the sixth consecutive game, the Jags will face a team with a losing record. They have won four of the previous five, losing only to the Rams in Week 8. Beating the Browns in the Dawg Pound won't be easy. The Browns are 3-2 there, including a win over the Bears. And what feline would feel welcome in the Dawg Pound?
"Certainly not a jaguar," says Browns coach Romeo Crenel, "although a jaguar could whip the tail of any domesticated canine, and could easily maul a drunken member of the Dawg Pound. And I'm sure many Jaguars of the car variety have flattened several dogs on the road. I guess we're underdogs for this one. The Jags could do us a favor, though. They could knock Trent Dilfer out of the game, and thus allow us to play Charlie Frye. I know Trent's a whiner when it comes to giving Charlie a snap or two. This way, if he's unconscious, he'd have no say in the matter."
Garard plays an error free game, and throws a touchdown pass to Jimmy Smith.
The Jacksonville defense dominates en route to a 27-13 victory.
Minnesota @ Detroit
After the Lions' lost on Thanksgiving to the Falcons 27-7, rumors were rampant that head coach Steve Mariucci would be fired the following Friday. So what do those class individuals in the Detroit front office do? They wait until Monday to give Mariucci the axe. That's three full days Mariucci had to sweat out his future.
"And I've just got two things to say," says Mariucci. "One is 'severance package.' The other is 'Let's go, Red Wings.' There's only one thing better than getting paid to coach. And that's getting paid to not coach. Now, I'll finally have the time to hang out with Terrell Owens and reminisce about our good times in San Francisco."
After last week's 24-12 defeat of the Browns, the Vikings have won four straight, and five of six after their little party boat incident back in October. At 6-5, the Vikes trail the Bears by two games in the NFC North, and are slowly creeping into the wildcard picture.
"The cruise was a turning point in our season," says Vikings safety Darren Sharper, who is tied for the NFL lead in interceptions and interception returns for touchdowns. "I guess you could say that situation put the wind in our sails, and lifted our spirits, so to speak. And, everyone was quick to criticize the Randy Moss deal. Look at it now. Randy's good for only about three catches a game. We can get that from a number of our current receivers."
Like Marcus Robinson, who caught three passes last week, all for touchdowns.
Robinson only catches one TD pass against the Lions, and the Vikings force three Jeff Garcia turnovers.
Minnesota wins its fifth straight, 23-17.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans
Pssst. Is Phil Simms listening? He's not? Then it's okay to criticize his son Chris' performance against the Bears last week. Yes? Okay. Simms basically blew any chance the Bucs had to win on Tampa's first possession, when he fumbled at his own one-yard line. The Bears recovered, and Kyle Orton passed to tight end John Gilmore for a touchdown. And if the Bears score first, you're basically toast.
"I told Goldilocks, I mean Chris Simms, before the game that he'd have to barge into the Bears' house and grab whatever bowl of porridge he darn well pleased," says the Bucs John Gruden. "And maybe slap Baby Bear around just for good measure. But he didn't. He played scared, and one turnover cost us."
"Daddy says it's not my fault," says Simms. "It's our kicker, Matt Bryant's fault. Check your calendars. You'll see that last Sunday was 'National Perform the Heimlich Maneuver On Your Kicker,' because kickers were choking all around the league."
The Saints won for only the third time this year, beating the Jets 21-19 in the Meadowlands.
"Does that count as a home game or an away game?" asks Saints quarterback Aaron Brooks. "Because it sure seems like we had a 'home' game there earlier this year. We've absolutely have to be the first team to play a home and away game in the same stadium. That's whack."
The Bucs rush for 150 yards, and Simms hits Joey Galloway with a long TD pass.
Tampa wins, 26-20.
Tennessee @ Indianapolis
The Titans whipped the 49ers in Nashville last week, 33-22, but this week face a slightly tougher test at Indianapolis against the undefeated Colts. So, Jeff Fisher, how do you plan on slowing down the Colts?
"I've got one idea," says Fisher. "And that is to have all the members of my defense throw Snickers candy bars at the Indy offense. I hear that they are only satisfying if you eat them, but we'll see for ourselves."
One thing's for sure: Peyton Manning has never seen that defense thrown at him.
The Colts eased past the Steelers last Monday to remain perfect at 11-0. After the Titans, the Colts will face two tough hurdles on their way to potential perfection, at Jacksonville, then at home against San Diego.
"I'll tell the Jags and the Chargers the same thing I told the Bengals and the Steelers," says Manning. "You're good, but not perfect. I have to credit that line to the late wrestler Curt Hennig, also known as 'Mr. Perfect.' Perfect's the only man I've ever seen throw an 80-yard bomb and make the catch, as well. He was also known to say, 'Nobody beats Mr. Perfect. Nobody.' Well, nobody beats the Colts. Nobody. At least, not until we sit our starters after we clinch home field."
The Colts tune up for Jacksonville with a 34-17 win.
Arizona @ San Francisco
You know the Cardinals and 49ers are having unspectacular years when the kickers for each team dominate the headlines. And that's the only time I'll use the word "dominate" to describe either team. For the Cardinals, Neil Rackers missed his first field goal of the year after 31 straight, falling short of the NFL record of 42 held by Mike Vanderjagt.
"And I really wanted to bring that record back to the States," says Rackers. "No Canadian should be allowed ownership of an NFL record."
San Francisco signed kicker Jose Cortez after Joe Nedney went down with a groin injury. Cortez promptly missed a 34-yard attempt.
"My career goals are to miss a field goal and/or extra point for every team in this league," says Cortez, "as well as be hated by more teammates than any player in history. I'm well on my way to those milestones."
Rackers has made 32 field goals this year, which is about the same number of jobs Cortez has had. Rackers kicks three more, and Kurt Warner throws two touchdowns as the Cardinals win, 23-17.
Washington @ St. Louis
For the second straight week, the Redskins lost to a team coached by a former Redskins head coach. Two weeks ago, Norv Turner and the Raiders beat the Redskins, 16-13. Last week, the Chargers, coached by Marty Schottenheimer, outlasted the 'Skins, 23-17, in overtime.
"Please tell me Steve Spurrier's not coaching in the NFL anymore," says Washington coach Joe Gibbs. "He left me a mess here."
He's not, Joe. The ol' ball coach is tossing the visor down in Columbia, South Carolina.
The Rams were rescued from a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Texans by third-string quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, who relieved the injured Jamie Martin early in the game and promptly threw for three TD and 310 yards.
"I'm a Harvard grad," says Fitzpatrick, "which means my SAT score beats the rest of the offense combined. It also means I'm probably the only NFL player paying off student loans."
Fitzpatrick gets the start, but finds the Washington defense much better than that of the Texans. Clinton Portis rushes for over 100 yards, and Mark Brunell throws two touchdown passes to Santana Moss.
Redskins win, 30-23.
Denver @ Kansas City
The Chiefs tuned up for their AFC West showdown against the Broncos with a 26-16 win over the defending Super Bowl champion Patriots. Larry Johnson rushed for 119 yards and Trent Green passed for 323 yards as the Chiefs became the fifth team to beat the defending champions this year. Now Kansas City hopes to defeat the Broncos and slice in to Denver's two-game division lead. A loss would be near disastrous for the Chiefs' playoff hopes.
"Don't discount our motivation for this game," says Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan. "We want to run the table on our AFC West opponents. We're 3-0. Three more wins and we do it. Also, if we continue to win, the Colts must continue to win to secure home-field advantage. If we can force them to play hard down the stretch, they could possibly go undefeated. I think I speak for everyone when I say that it would be nice to see the Colts knock those bitter old 1972 Dolphins out of the record book."
The Chiefs will have to stop the run, and most likely will have to throw the ball against Denver's defense, ranked first in the league against the run. It takes an inspired effort, and a deafening Arrowhead Stadium crowd, but the Chiefs play as though their playoff hopes ride on the game, which they do. Trent Green throws two touchdown passes, and K.C. keeps Denver's running game in check.
Chiefs win, 23-20.
N.Y. Jets @ New England
The Jets have lost six in a row, and are making a push for the No. 1 pick in next year's draft. Their last defeat came against the Saints, who won 21-19 in the Meadowlands. The Jets have lost six straight, and are 0-6 on the road, and now must face the defending world champion Patriots in New England.
"Oh boy," says Jets coach Herman Edwards. "This is getting old. Are the rumors still flying that I want out of New York. They are? Well, I'll neither confirm nor deny them. If you want me to look you in the eye and tell you I'm remaining as coach, then I'll do that. But first, I'll have to put on these dark shades. Okay. I'm staying. There, I said it. Now, it's up to you to decide whether I'm bluffing. I do this every week when I tell my guys we have a chance to win our games. They believe me, so I must be a pretty good bluffer. Okay, I'm all in."
The Patriots lost to the Chiefs 26-20, as Tom Brady was intercepted four times, three by Greg Wesley.
"I'm a three-time Super Bowl champion," says Brady. "I'm entitled to an off-day every now and then. This is the regular season. Off days don't matter. The playoffs count, and I'm on target like William Tell in the playoffs. But really, this loss mattered little to us. All of the scrub teams in this division, and I include us in that category, lost, as well. So, we lost no ground. We'll have our home game when the playoffs start, and we might be playing these Chiefs again."
Brady gets back on track, and throws three TD passes, and the Pats win, 27-13.
Oakland @ San Diego
Last week, LaDainian Tomlinson rushed for 184 yards in the Chargers' 23-17 overtime win at Washington. He scored on a 32-yard run to tie the game in the fourth, then broke free for a 41-yard score in overtime to give the Chargers a 23-17 win over the Redskins. Is Tomlinson the greatest running back ever? Let's ask someone besides Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer. Hey, Randy Moss, since you're not doing anything else, like catching passes, could you answer a question? Is Tomlinson the greatest running back of all-time?
"Look, dawg," says Moss, "I'm a playa hater, not a playa rater. Besides, Randy Moss won't answer questions without his lawyers present. Are you with the FBI?"
Yeah, Randy, I'm a full-blooded Italian.
The Raiders will likely have to do damage through the air, because you just can't run the ball on San Diego.
"And we won't suffer the embarrassment that the Dolphins did last week," says Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman. "That would be allowing Kerry Collins to rush for a touchdown."
Tomlinson rushes for 145 yards and two touchdowns, and the Chargers win, 31-17.
Seattle @ Philadelphia
The Eagles were the only team in the NFC East to win last week, allowing them to pick up a full game on each team. Philadelphia rushed for 180 yards in last week's 19-14 win over the Packers to improve to 5-6, two games behind division leaders Dallas and New York.
"All this team needed to do to run the ball was get rid of Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb," says Eagles quarterback Mike McMahon. "And, we're doing it without the threat of a passing game. And really, who should be scared of Mike McMahon passing the ball? To whom am I going to throw it?
“Anyway, here's an interesting factoid. All of the other teams in our division lost in overtime. I think that's a sign that destiny is on our side. The Eagles are back in the mix. We're not talking playoffs. We're talking Super Bowl. And, on that note, I'd like to perform an original rap I wrote. Here goes: 'I'm the punky QB, known as McMahon. When I hit the turf, I've got no plan. I just throw my body all over the field. I can't dance, but I can throw the pill. I motivate the cat, I...'"
Hey, hold on a second, McMahon. You're singing the "Super Bowl Shuffle," made famous by the 1985 Chicago Bears. Those are Jim McMahon's lines.
"Who?" replies Mike McMahon. "Jim McMahon? Never heard of him. Hey! How do I look with spiked hair, sunglasses, a white headband, and this full-length mink coat?"
Christmas came early in Seattle, where the Seahawks were presented with a second, a third, and a fourth chance in their 24-21 overtime win over the Giants. New York's Jay Feely missed three field goals, two in overtime, that would have beaten the Seahawks. Seattle's Josh Brown made the most of his one chance, and nailed a 36-yard field goal for the win.
"I got good reads on Feely's misses," says Brown. "I had a slight tailwind, and I just played in slightly inside the right goal post. Bingo! I am so money."
The Eagles play tough, but Shaun Alexander will get his 100 yards, regardless. And he does. Matt Hasselbeck throws for one TD, and the Seahawks win, 28-20.
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