Things to Be Thankful For

Every year, we list the things we are most thankful for in the sports world, so here is what I came up with:

1. Steroids — Let's be honest here, without performance enhancers, no one would have watched baseball in the mid-'90s. Also, without them, Jose Canseco never gets to write a book, which means he never would have known there was another use for books other than as a footrest.

2. Terrell Owens — Just because he is able to play everyone so well. He has never killed anyone, no drinking and driving, no skipping out on his child support, no paying auto-mechanics half of what they are owed because "that's all Jesus told him he had to pay" (thanks, Deion Sanders). Yet he is still the most hated person in sports. Anything T.O. does is breaking news on all ESPN channels and in all sports media outlets.

3. Chad Johnson/Steve Smith — On that same note, it's good to have two guys who know how to have fun in the No Fun League without turning into mini-T.O.s. These are both great teammates and great players to watch.

4. Carolina cheerleaders/sex boat parties — The NFL is a crazy, crazy league, but wouldn't be the same without all the sex. It lets old guys fail miserably in trying to make clever, sex-related jokes and that the sex boat cruise helped turn Minnesota's season around. This could be a new trend for football teams everywhere. San Francisco can't move the ball or play defense? Not until they take their team on a boat with some hookers, drugs, and live sex acts.

This is going to influence the way teams train for ages as I predict this could be even more influential for sports teams than those Tom Emanski defensive drills videos (and those back-to-back-to-back AAU championships were damn impressive). This will work its way down the pipeline to the college ranks (I'm looking at you, Colorado) and even a tamer version in the high school ranks (cheerleaders on canoes, maybe?). Either way, it gives us more to talk about.

5. My readers — God help them.

6. Sports talk radio — I'm not going to lie, sports is a great way to make money. There isn't anything more fun than arguing with someone you know is wrong and letting them self-destruct in the process. It's also a lot of fun to do interviews and we've had a great range of guests during my time talking sports on some sort of radio (special thanks to Warrick Dunn, Bruce Weber, Andy Katz, Dee Brown, Craig Smith, Bob Ryan, Mike Gansey, Nate Robinson, Dion Byrum, John Buccigross, Randy Cross, Sean O'haire, Dave Zastudil, and anyone who helped us make those happen).

7. J.W. and Phil from the Plains — On that same note, I have to be thankful for the two most loyal callers to the show. Even on days when my co-host and I are debating what mascots would serve this nation the best in governmental roles, these guys still call in to voice their two cents. They may not always be right, but they are usually pretty reasonable people and sports talk radio can be boring if it's just me being right all the time.

8. 35-cent Wings at Buffalo Wild Wings — Sundays wouldn't be nearly as sweet without having a great, great place to watch the games with the token Buffalo or Detroit fan yelling at the top of his lungs every week. Also, the food and drink specials are hard to beat. And the place is so clean and everyone is so friendly and when I think of heaven, I know it will be great, kind of like Buffalo Wild Wings. That should be enough to get me some free food.

9. College basketball and the new NHL — It's a great time of the year. Now, if only Sidney Crosby could knock down a 15-foot jumper consistently or if Rajon Rondo could kill off a penalty, I could combine the best of both worlds. I guess I will have to make do with my Ohio Bobcats going to the Elite 8 and with the (whatever team I start following because the Blue Jackets blow) winning the Stanley Cup.

10. Charlie Weis — It's pretty clear that if Jesus was going to pick a football coach, he'd pick Charlie Weis. That means that, given my current state of caving to peer-pressure, I would pick Charlie Weis, too. It all works out though because Charlie is the man and will finally bring Notre Dame back to glory. People actually respect Notre Dame now, which is something that hasn't happened since Lou Holtz left (except for a brief time when Ty Willingham collected the wool of the world and pulled it over everyone's eyes, that was fun).

10a. Sports fans — They are loyal. They are crazy. They are crazily loyal. But without them and their blind devotion, things would be much boringer (I'm going to make this a word by the time Webster's comes out with a new edition). It's more fun to work in the toy department of life than to work in a real toy department (you know, like the ones in China where they don't let you go to the bathroom more than once a week).

10b. The troops — It may be lame to close with something serious, but you have to have a hell of a lot of respect for them and the sacrifice they make. All politics aside (vote for me in 2024!), these brave men and women are pretty sweet. For that, I doff my cap. Also, like I do every year around this time, go do your part by sending our troops a care package. You can find out more info at AnySoldier.com.

The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, Rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].