Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Atlanta @ Detroit
How do the Falcons lose a game in which they out-gain the Bucs 443 yards to 258, have 11 more first downs, and hold the ball for over 12 more minutes?
"That's simple," says Falcons coach Jim Mora. "Anytime your two quarterbacks combine for two fumbles, one of which is recovered for a touchdown, the other which leads to the game-winning field goal, then you can point the finger right there. But since Michael Vick signed a $100 million contract last year, we'll only assign him 20 percent of the blame. And, since his backup, Matt Schaub, is a peasant by Vick financial standards, Schaub gets 80 percent of the blame."
Okay, that makes sense. All right, then. If the regular season ended today, the Falcons would be out of the playoffs. Are you worried about making the playoffs?
"Okay, I see what's going on here," says Mora. "You're just trying to get me to repeat my father, Jim Mora, Sr.'s famous quote when he was coach of the Colts. Well, he copyrighted that quote and gets cash money every time someone says it, so here goes. 'Playoffs?! Playoffs!? You're talking about playoffs?! Playoffs?!' That quote should be on a U.S. coin, or at least tattooed across some rapper's stomach."
As if being 4-6 and having a shaky quarterback situation wasn't enough, the Lions now have to deal with the Charles Rogers situation, in which they hope to recoup some of Roger's signing bonus since he was suspended for violation of the league's drug policy.
"I think Cheech and Chong made a movie about where that money has gone," says Rogers. "It's called 'Up in Smoke.'"
Losers of two straight, the Falcons desperately need a win. The three-pronged rushing attack of Vick, Warrick Dunn, and T.J. Duckett will give the Falcons an early lead, and their defense will pressure Harrington into mistakes.
Atlanta wins, 23-17.
After the game at a Thanksgiving dinner, Rogers breaks his collarbone yanking on a turkey wishbone.
Denver @ Dallas
Before the Cowboys began preparing for the Lions, coach Bill Parcells hung a giant, Detroit-blue mousetrap from the ceiling in the Dallas locker room as a reminder to his players not to get overconfident.
"It was a 'trap' game," says Parcells. "I didn't want my guys to fall into the 'trap' of overconfidence and then get upset by the Lions."
"Whew! That's a relief to hear," says Cowboys receiver Terry Glenn. "I thought we had a problem with 40-pound, flying rodents."
Well, the mousetrap worked, somewhat. The large, flying rat is still on the loose, but the Cowboys beat the Lions 20-7 to remain in a first-place tie with the Giants in the NFC East. Running back Marion Barber III had two short TD runs to lead the charge, then was filmed by the FBI smoking crack, and later elected mayor of Washington, DC.
"That's not me," says Barber. "You're thinking of Marion Barry. Crack kills, but it also re-elects."
Now, the competition gets a little tougher as the Broncos gallop into town, led by quarterback Jake Plummer and running back Mike Anderson.
"The only thing I want to see hanging in our locker room is mistletoe," says Plummer, "so, when I emerge from this game without an interceptions, all of you Jake Plummer critics can kiss my behind."
Denver brings the second-best rushing offense in the league, which helped them control the ball for over 42 minutes against the Jets. The Broncos also sport the NFL's second-best rush defense. Denver and Dallas have both thrived when their quarterbacks are under no pressure to produce big plays. Denver's rush attack, on both sides of the ball, will be the difference. The Cowboys will find little success on the ground, and Drew Bledsoe will be forced to pass more than desired. The Broncos defensive backfield will pounce on that.
Anderson rushes for 95 yards and a touchdown, and Plummer runs one in himself.
Broncos win, 20-16.
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