NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 11

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ St. Louis

How do you know when your defense is bad? If you ask Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner, you'll get your answer, after Warner says three Hail Mary's and gives his usual props to the man upstairs.

"I know our defense is bad," says Warner, "when I throw for 359 yards and a touchdown and we lose. 359 yards passing is usually a good sign that you'll win. Unless you play for the Cardinals. Then, you're likely to lose 29-21 to the Lions, or worse to better teams. But I'm looking forward to torching the St. Louis secondary for 334 yards, albeit in a losing effort. Then I'm interested in comparing notes with Mike Martz on what it's like to be unwanted in St. Louis."

Did someone say "Mike Martz?" I think Martz finally sneaked a play in against the Seahawks when the Rams faked a field goal that resulted in a four-yard loss when kicker Jeff Wilkins was tackled trying to pass.

"I knew it!" says Rams coach Joe Vitt. "Wilkins is the mole! Only Martz is dumb enough to believe Wilkins could complete a pass, and only Wilkins is naive enough to believe he could do it. Now, I think we should begin the Arizona game with an onside kick, then run a double reverse flea-flicker on our first offensive play."

Warner and Rams quarterback Marc Bulger both break 300 yards passing on the day. Bulger throws three touchdowns to Warner's one.

St. Louis wins, 32-23.

Carolina @ Chicago

In a battle of division leaders, the Bears welcome the NFC South leading Panthers to Soldier Field for a game that could possibly have playoff-seeding implications. Carolina is 7-2, while Chicago leads the North with a 6-3 record. With a win over the Panthers, the Bears would have a tie-breaking edge over the Panthers if both ended with the same record.

"You darn skippy we're treating this like a playoff game," says Bears coach Lovie Smith. "Like a playoff game in Chicago in January, we'll be hosting a better team. And hopefully, after Sunday's game, we'll find ourselves in the same bar as the Carolina cheerleaders."

The Bears beat the 49ers, 17-9, thanks in part to the swirling winds in Soldier Field, which threw a Joe Nedney field goal way off course. Bears safety Nathan Vasher caught the ball in the end zone and returned it 108 yards for a touchdown, an NFL record for longest touchdown play.

Sunday's game against the Panthers marks a difficult second half of the season for the Bears. With games at Tampa, Pittsburgh, Green Bay, and Minnesota, plus home games against Atlanta and Green Bay, the NFC North could get very tight. Heck, the Packers, at 2-7, still have a shot.

The Panthers are much like the Bears, with an attacking defense and a strong running game. The difference is the passing game. The Panthers have Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith. The Bears have Kyle Orton and former Panther Muhsin Muhammed. Big advantage, Panthers. Smith scores one TD, and Stephen Davis adds another one-yard TD to his total.

Carolina wins, 20-13.

Detroit @ Dallas

What's it like choosing a quarterback for the Detroit Lions? Well, if you ask Forrest Gump, he'll tell you, then whip your tail in ping pong.

"It's like a box of chocolates," says Gump. "You never know what you're going to get."

Lions coach Steve Mariucci knows the feeling.

"Was I expecting three touchdown passes from Joey Harrington last week against the Cardinals?" asks Mariucci. "Yes, but to the other team. Now, I guess he's earned the start against the Cowboys, but I foresee something that could be a problem. Joey threw three TD passes to Roy Williams last week. Dallas has a safety named Roy Williams. I know they'll be in different uniforms, but Joey's always had a problem distinguishing receivers from defensive backs. This could take that to a new level of difficulty."

"Joey, just a reminder," says the receiver Roy Williams, before the game. "I wear No. 11 and I have a lion on my helmet. That other Roy Williams is an imposter. Don't throw him the ball."

In a game full of Roy-on-Roy action, Dallas' Roy picks off Harrington late to preserve a Cowboy lead. Detroit's Roy has 100 yards receiving and a touchdown, but the Cowboys hold on for a 24-17 win.

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

Jacksonville is 6-3, second in the AFC South, and in firm position for playoff qualification. The Jags finally cracked thirty points after 58 games of failing to do so. It was a deceptive thirty points against the Ravens, as linebacker Mike Peterson returned a Kyle Boller interception for the Jaguars' final points.

"Hey, pal, don't rain on my parade," says Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio. "Points are points, no matter how you come by them. If you win the lottery, you're obligated to report that as income. At least, according to the Internal Revenue Service. According to Jack Del Rio, you're not obligated to report jack squat. As far as the IRS is concerned, Jack Del Rio is the sole proprietor of a rum factory on the fictional South Pacific island of Jaguargaritaville. In any case, I don't care who scores points for us; the points are ours to keep."

The Jaguars face division rival Tennessee, fresh off a bye week. No one appreciates a bye week more than Titans quarterback Steve McNair, whose career list of injuries would make daredevil extraordinaire Evel Knievel shudder.

"These days," says McNair, "it hurts just to watch film. On the plus side, I've visited every massage parlor in the greater Nashville area several times over."

McNair can't get much done against the Jaguars defense, and throws two interceptions. Byron Leftwich throws two touchdown passes, and the Jags win, 25-17.

Miami @ Cleveland

The Dolphins lost their home showdown with the Patriots last week, Ricky Williams got jacked up, and Miami fell to 3-6. Miami had four shots at the end zone for a chance to tie the Patriots, but four passes netted them negative yards, and the Dolphins lost their second straight.

"Yeah. Ricky did get jacked up pretty good," says Dolphins coach Nick Saban. "I doubt he's ever taken a hit quite like that one, at least not from a football player. He was a little groggy when he got back to the sideline, but I'm sure he's awoken to high tide on a beach in Cambodia before and experienced the same feeling."

Like the Dolphins, Cleveland sports an identical 3-6 record. Among the Browns' problems is a lack of scoring punch. One bright spot for the offense has been the play of running back Reuben Doughns, who is 11th in the league in rushing.

"We're very proud of what Reuben has done," explains Browns coach Romeo Crenel, "especially the way he's handled his DWI situation. He's very intimidating on the field, but not so intimidating when he pulls up to practice on his moped. The spinners add a nice touch, though."

Despite their record, the Dolphins are only two games out of the East lead, and are looking to break their two-game slide. The offense should find room to throw and run against the Cleveland defense. Ronnie Brown rushes for a score and Gus Frerotte throws a touchdown pass to Randy McMichael.

Dolphins win, 24-13.

New Orleans @ New England

You know the children's book series called "Where's Waldo?" If you do, then you know how hard that son of a gun is to find in those pictures. And if you're a Saints' fan, you would understand the frustration, because you never know where your favorite team will be. First, they're in New Orleans, then they're in San Antonio. Then they're in Baton Rouge. And, on a bye week, who knows where in the heck they were.

"This week, we'll be playing in New England," says Saints receiver Joe "Me So" Horn. "At least there's a 'new' in the name. That's as close to New Orleans as we've been. We might as well consider this a home game. Gillette Stadium is pretty much the Superdome, just without the roof, and a much greater chance of snow. The following week, we go to New Jersey to face the Jets. After that, it's off to New Jack City. Those NFL schedulers are really looking out for us."

The New England pass defense should also be welcoming to the Saints. The Patriots are 31st in pass defense, and the Saints' Aaron Brooks is a much more adapt passer when no one is guarding his receivers. Of course, the Saints defense will have to stop Tom Brady and the Patriots new secret weapon: fullback Heath Evans, who rushed for 84 yards last week against the Dolphins. Evans is the rarest of rare breeds: the white fullback who gets more than the one token carry that usually results in a one-yard gain.

"Hey, honky cat!" says Brady. "Heath's not white. He's albino. See, he's got pink eyes. And no gold teeth."

Brady throws two touchdowns, and the Pats win, 24-20.

Oakland @ Washington

The Raiders/Redskins contest marks a meeting between two of the most eccentric owners in the league, Oakland's silky sweat suit-wearing septuagenarian Al Davis and Washington's four-eyed suit and tie-wearing nerd Daniel Snyder.

"In my glory days, about 75 years ago," says Davis, "I would have given Snyder the five knuckle shuffle to the face, just for being a candy boy. But I've got to hand it to little Danny. He's kept his nose out of Joe Gibbs' business, and the Redskins are winning. Me? I'm up in Norv Turner's grill every day asking Raider business. If I don't like what I hear, I get the real story from Randy Moss."

The Raiders and Redskins took two very different paths to defeat last Sunday. The Raiders fell behind the Broncos 23-0 en route to a 31-17 defeat, while the Redskins fell to the Buccaneers 36-35 on Mike Alstott's two-point conversion rush. The loss cost the Redskins the opportunity to move into a three-way tie in the NFC East with the Giants and Cowboys.

"Do I look worried?" asks Redskins coach Joe Gibbs. "I do? Well, I'm not. I've got three Super Bowl rings, and, come late Sunday afternoon, I'll have my third NASCAR championship. Al Davis may have three Super Bowl wins as an owner, but he doesn't know a restrictor plate from a plate of spaghetti."

The 'Skins should control the game with the running of Clinton Portis. The Raiders will stay in it thanks to their big-play potential, and the 'Skins have been guilty of surrendering the big play. But the Washington defense will solidify when it counts, and the 'Skins take a 23-19 win.

Philadelphia @ N.Y. Giants

How's this for a shocking statistic? The Eagles have gone two games without a turnover, yet have lost both of those games. What's that? I'm sorry. There's been a correction. That is, the Eagles have gone two games without T.O., Terrell Owens, not a turnover, TO, and have lost both games. That's not nearly as surprising a statistic.

"It's a bit gratifying to watch the Eagles lose without me," says Eagles receiver Terrell Owens, "and still get paid. I guess my apologies weren't good enough for the Eagles. Can't people learn to ignore me like I ignore everyone else? I produce on the field. Bottom line. Now, if you send your so-called 'locker room ambassador' to challenge my performance, then there might be a problem. I'm just saying."

The Eagles will start Mike McMahon at quarterback after Donovan McNabb's Monday night injury. McMahon will face a Giants team that gave up three return touchdowns to the Vikings last week. That kind of performance makes Giants coach Tom Coughlin right ornery.

"Coach Coughlin gave us a good blessing out," says Eli Manning, "which is what he does even when we win. The he punished us by restricting our Internet access to footage of the Vikings' infamous cruise."

The Giants learn their lesson. Tiki Barber rushes for a touchdown, and Manning throws two TDs.

Giants win, 27-14.

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

There are three sure things in life: death, taxes, and Pittsburgh road wins. That is, unless you are Ravens quarterback Kyle Boller, then you can add interceptions and incompletions to that list. And, pretty soon, he may be able to remove taxes from that list. Because, to pay taxes, you must have a job. And Boller could lose his job pretty soon if his play doesn't improve.

Jacksonville beat the Ravens 30-3 last week, and ended a 58-game streak of scoring less than thirty points. The Ravens had trouble keeping up with the Joneses, namely Greg and Matt, who scored a touchdown each for the Jags.

"We'd have trouble keeping up with the Joneses," says Ravens coach Brian Billick, "against a team with no one named Jones. Of course, our defense right now is playing with no one named Lewis and no one named Reed."

That would be Ray Lewis and Ed Reed, who have missed the last three and four games, respectively, with injuries. And that's the problem with the Ravens: their playmakers are on defense, and they're not even playing.

The Steelers, along with the Colts, are the league's only two teams with unblemished road records. The Steelers will face their most difficult road test next Monday night at Indianapolis, and if Pittsburgh's NFC North pals in Cincinnati can do them a favor and beat the Colts, then the Pittsburgh/Indy game becomes absolutely huge.

"Absolutely monstrous," says Steelers coach Bill Cowher. "And when I say 'monstrous,' I mean it could have playoff homefield implications out the wazoo. Monstrous! Now, I better stop saying 'monstrous' because the front of my shirt is soaking wet."

The Steelers look ahead, but don't discount the Ravens, who nearly beat them in Pittsburgh in Week 8. Jeff Reed kicks two field goals, and Jerome Bettis and Duce Staley rush for a score apiece.

Pittsburgh wins, 20-12.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Are gutsy coaching decisions making a comeback? A week after Kansas City's Dick Vermeil rolled the dice and went for the win against Oakland, Tampa's John Gruden decided to forego an extra point and attempt a two-point conversion. Mike Alstott sneaked in from the one, and the Bucs shocked the Redskins 36-35.

"Who's Dick Vermeil?" asks Gruden. "Never heard of the guy. Must have been before my time. Anyway, after Washington's off-sides penalty, we had the ball on the one. Allstott's much better at bulling in from the one than he is at calling a coin flip, so we went for it. I didn't want to leave myself at the mercy of a coin flip. I thought to myself, 'If we can't make a one yard run, then I don't deserve to be coach.'"

Well, Chuckie, maybe you don't deserve to be coach, because it's questionable whether Alstott made it into the end zone. But since when has an NFL official made a bad call?

The Falcons, on the other hand, were treated like a misbehaving first grader by the Packers. They got spanked. Three touchdowns from Packers running back Samkon Gado and six Falcons fumbles, three of which were lost, knocked Atlanta out of a tie for first in the NFC South.

"How on earth are we supposed to stop Samkon Gado?" asks Falcons coach Jim Mora, Jr. "He's a Jedi warrior, for Christ's sake. The doggone force is with that guy. What? He's not a Jedi warrior? Well, the name sure sounds like a Jedi warrior."

No, Jim, he's not a Jedi warrior. He's the next best thing, a graduate of Liberty University. And, according to founder Jerry Falwell, any opponent of a Liberty grad is headed straight to Hell. So see you there.

The Falcons should be able to establish the run against a Tampa team that gave up 144 yards to Clinton Portis last week. And the Atlanta front four will go after Simms.

Falcons win, 26-23.

Seattle @ San Francisco

Seattle's Shaun Alexander rushed for three touchdowns last week against the Rams, giving him 17 rushing touchdowns on the year, making him the first player in history with five seasons of 15 or more touchdowns. The Seahawks beat the Rams 31-16, their second defeat of the Rams this year.

"We owe them one more," says Seattle coach Mike Holmgren. "They beat us three times last year. After they beat us the second time, we gave them the common courtesy of a playoff meeting, so they could whip us a third time. I doubt they'll be able to return the favor, although we'll probably be looking for a team to scrimmage during our first round playoff bye."

The 49ers were kept out of their end zone for the third straight game, and lost to the Bears, 17-9. San Fran quarterback Cody Pickett completed only 1-of-13 passes for 28 yards and one interception in windy Chicago. That calculates to a 7.7% completion percentage, which is only slightly higher than Pickett's quarterback rating of 7.5.

"Okay, so I guess we'll be running the ball against the Seahawks," says San Francisco head coach Mike Nolan. "I must reiterate to our offense that the objective of the game is to cross the goal line, not avoid it."

Nolan goes with Ken Dorsey at quarterback, and the 49ers finally score a touchdown, but the Seahawks own the West, and Shaun Alexander crosses goal lines in his sleep. Alexander rushes for 115 and two scores, as Seattle wins, 27-10.

Buffalo @ San Diego

How does Bills running back Willis McGahee stack up against the Chargers LaDainian Tomlinson?

"Let's put it this way," says Tomlinson. "If we were pancakes, Willis would be a short stack, and I would be one of those six feet-high stacks that only Scooby Doo and Shaggy could eat for a meal. It's like professional wrestler Bret 'The Hitman' Hart says: I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.' And there's also this thing about rushing touchdowns. I have 13, and Willis has four."

The Bills got a boost from quarterback J.P. Losman, who relieved the injured Kelly Holcomb and threw two touchdowns to Lee Evans to give the Bills a 14-3 win over the Chiefs.

"Wow! I felt like Joey Harrington out there," says Losman. "It's nothing short of a miracle that Harrington and I combined for five touchdowns and no interceptions for the day."

Buffalo's rushing defense allows an average of over 150 yards per game. Tomlinson returns from a bye week, and the Chargers are at home. It would be a miracle if L.T. doesn't rush for 200 yards.

Chargers jump on the Bills early, and Tomlinson "only" runs for 165 yards and two touchdowns.

San Diego wins, 29-17.

Indianapolis @ Cincinnati

The last time a 9-0 team dared enter Cincinnati, Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson guaranteed a victory over the Chiefs, and Cincinnati delivered with a 24-19 win. Now, the 9-0 Colts are coming to town looking to remain undefeated. Does Johnson have any guarantees to make?

"Only a few," replies Johnson. "I guarantee that former Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose will have some action on this game, and I guarantee that his son, Pete, Jr., has handled more juice than his father. Finally, I guarantee a victory, but I won't say for which team."

"If I have to hear Guns 'N Roses sing 'Welcome to the Jungle' one more time," says Peyton Manning, "I'm going to throw up. And, speaking of 'throw,' I'm going to throw the ball over, around, under, and through the Bengals secondary. Here's a guarantee: I won't throw five interceptions."

If there's one knock against the Bengals, it's that they have beaten only one team with a winning record on their way to a 7-2 record. This will be the their best chance to dispel that notion. It will take a few turnovers from their secondary, and the huge game that Chad Johnson is promising. Carson Palmer throws three touchdowns, and the Bengals pull off the upset, 24-21.

N.Y. Jets @ Denver

Remember when that guy impersonated Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger just so he could impress women? I bet she was easy. Anyway, for all you guys with no moral fiber, you should try the imposter bit as a New York Jet quarterback. You've got five to choose from, and it's not like you have to impress with your football skills. For you older gentlemen with no moral fiber, try impersonating former Jets great Joe Namath. Just don't try it on Suzy Kolber.

"We welcome all Jets quarterback impersonation attempts," says New York head coach Herm Edwards. "In fact, if you do a good job, you might even get a tryout for a starting position. If you're already injured, you need not apply."

Last week, Brooks Bollinger threw four interceptions in a 30-3 loss to the Panthers. And the forecast doesn't look much better, as he'll face a Denver defensive unit that will force the pass. The Denver offense likes to run. And guess what? The Jets have the fourth worst rush defense in the league.

"Did I hear a rumor that I will be taking over for Dick Vermeil when he hangs it up with the Chiefs?" says Edwards. "Because I really need something to look forward to."

Denver runs running back Mike Anderson right at the Jets, then runs Tatum Bell around them.

Broncos win, 27-13.

Kansas City @ Houston

After averaging over 24 points in their previous eight games, the Chiefs were only able to muster three points against the Bills, and lost 14-3 as J.P. Losman hooked up with Lee Evans twice. It was the only time the Chiefs have been held to single digit scoring this year.

"I would tell you to check out this single digit," says Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil, "but I'm practically a man of the cloth, so I'll practice restraint. I think my players misunderstood me when I said 'Let's get three' when our drive stalled. They apparently thought I meant get three for the entire game. Three points in a game is entirely unacceptable. That won't beat most hockey teams."

And it won't beat the Texans, but if you tack on three touchdowns and a field goal to that three points, you'll have 27, which is what the Texans normally give up per game. That should be plenty to win. Larry Johnson is the Chiefs' full-time back now, and against Houston's league-worst run defense, he should dominate.

Johnson rushes for 130 yards and two touchdowns, and Trent Green rebounds from his miserable performance against the Bills.

Kansas City wins, 26-14.

Minnesota @ Green Bay

The biggest question in the sporting world was answered last week. Does Scoop Jackson have any teeth? Okay, the second biggest question. Can Minnesota head coach Mike Tice take a hit? Well, the answer is a resounding "yes." Tice sprained a knee ligament when a New York Giant was blocked into him on the sideline during last week's Minnesota-New York game. But he hopped right up and coached the Vikes to a 24-21 upset win.

"That was a blatant clip," says Tice, "and a very good one, at that. When I played tight end for the Vikings, I was used to delivering clips, not taking them. I hope I set a good example for my players. Not on how to clip, but how to play through pain."

Green Bay's stunning 33-25 win over the Falcons may have revived their slim playoff hopes, despite their 2-7 record. Of course, should the Packers make the playoffs, it would have to be as NFC North champion, and that would entail several Chicago losses.

"And we've got two shots at them," says Brett Favre. "One of those is Week 16 at Lambeau Field. If we win that one, then have the Seahawks hand us a freebie in Week 17, we could be in business. Nothing would make us prouder than to be the first 7-9 team to make the playoffs."

Favre throws three touchdown passes, and Samkon Gado rushes for a score.

Green Bay wins, 31-21.

"No humans were mooned in the making of this game," Favre says in an impromptu public service announcement.