Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Arizona @ Detroit
Before the game, Cardinals coach Dennis Green and Lions coach Steve Mariucci agree to allow each other to choose the opposition's starter at quarterback.
"Okay, Denny," says Mariucci, "you're starting [Kurt] Warner."
"Sucker," replies Green. "I was starting Warner anyway. Steve-O, you're starting Joey Harrington."
"You're a bozo," replies Mariucci. "I was starting Joey anyway. I think this just proves one thing, Denny: we're both capable of making our own hapless decisions. How about we trade jobs and see if it makes a difference?"
"No dice, Mooch," replies Green. "Coaching here in Arizona affords me the luxury of coaching a team whose best player is their kicker. Who's your best player? Do you have one? Besides, I made myself a promise when I was a youngster: never coach a team whose general manager is named Matt Millen."
You can't blame Green for not wanting to leave Neil Rackers, who is a perfect 26-for-26 on field goals and leads all kickers in scoring.
"It's a good thing I've got range," says Rackers. "That way, I only need the offense to get to the 35-yard line, then I can drill a 52-yard kick. The only contact our offense has with the red zone is when they apply their morning deodorant. I guess that's why I have 26 field goals and only eight extra points. By comparison, Indianapolis' Mike Vanderjagt has nine field goals and 28 extra points."
Rackers is perfect in Detroit, nailing four field goals, including a 57-yarder off the pristine Ford Field turf.
"Nice Rack!" an impressed and jealous Mariucci yells across the field to Green.
"Uhh ... thanks," replies Green. "Geez, I guess I haven't lost enough weight. I must still have man-boobs."
Once again, Rackers outscores his offense. And, once again, Arizona loses.
Lions win, 24-19.
Baltimore @ Jacksonville
Are the Jaguars contenders, or are they pretenders? Their 5-3 record says "contender," but a 21-14 win over the lowly Texans, at home, says "pretender."
"Hey, those words rhyme," says Jacksonville coach and purveyor of good taste Jack Del Rio. "As do the words 'Jack' and 'smack.' As in, 'If you don't stop badmouthing my team, 'Jack' will 'smack' you upside the head. Why bother scoring unnecessary points. We had enough to win. The Jaguar motto is: 'Just do enough to win, baby.' And we do."
Okay, the Jags are good, good enough to win. Especially in their upcoming four games, in which none of their opponents have winning records. That should set them up nicely, assuming they win those four, for a playoff position.
The Ravens welcome Kyle Boller back in the saddle, as he will return from a foot injury to reclaim the starting quarterback position. On Wednesday, Boller was the recipient of a ticker tape parade through downtown Baltimore to herald his return.
"Yes, what a spectacle that was," says Ravens coach Brian Billick. "It truly was a ticker 'tape' parade. 'Tape' being singular. I saw one piece of ticker tape floating down. Just one. And I think it had one D-cell battery attached to it. It just missed Kyle, but he was able to retrieve it get his favorite flashlight working again."
This game will likely be a defensive battle, with both teams combining for about ten sacks. The Jags will have more success establishing the run, even without Fred Taylor. Once again, the Ravens will be without linebacker ray Lewis and safety Ed Reed. Toss in a defensive touchdown and a few field goals, and the Jags come away with a 20-13 win.
Houston @ Indianapolis
When a team plays badly and wins, it's called "winning ugly." So, when a team plays well and loses, can we call that "losing pretty?" The Texans hung tough with the Jags, finally losing 21-14 after leading 14-7.
"Yes, that was a pretty loss," says Texans coach Dom Capers. "So pretty, I'd kiss it if I could. Like my team, I haven't got lucky in a while. But it was a heartbreaking loss. How do we recover four fumbles and still lose?"
Here's how, Dom. Those four fumbles were recovered by your offense, not your defense.
"Oh, that's unfortunate," says Capers. "By the way, I don't appreciate those italics. My Texans are 1-1 in our last two games, and 1-0 in our last two games excluding losses. We're going in to Indianapolis fully intending to win. If we don't, we will be mathematically eliminated from winning the division."
The Colts, on the other hand, are winning pretty, and are undefeated at the halfway point. Peyton Manning has rid himself of the 0-for-Tom Brady and 0-for-Foxborough slumps. Next on his agenda: the 0-for-Super Bowl slump.
"Wow. Winning in New England was such a relief," says Manning. "I feel like a case of clam chowder has been lifted from my shoulders and tossed into the Boston Harbor. I think it's safe to say we won't have to play in New England again this year. The next time we see a Patriot may be at the Pro Bowl. Or, maybe not."
Manning and company, as you would expect, avoid the letdown, and beat the Texans, 34-17.
Edgerrin James rushes for 145 yards and two TDs.
Kansas City @ Buffalo
Kansas City coach Dick Vermeil laid it all on the line last Sunday against the Raiders, calling a running play with five seconds left, down 23-20 to the Raiders. Running back Larry Johnson dove in from the one-yard line, giving the Chiefs a thrilling 27-23 win. The crowd at Arrowhead Stadium broke into wild celebration, and Vermeil broke into tears.
"I think Terrell Owens said it best," says Vermeil, "when he said, 'I love me some me.' I'm going to change that up a bit to honor the un-Owens-like unselfish nature of these Chiefs, and say, 'I love me some we.' I gave the game ball to Trent Green, in honor of his father, but Larry gets my soaking wet handkerchief. That kid just went from size four diapers right into number fives. He's like a great-grandson to me."
The Bills return from their bye week at 3-5, only one game behind the Patriots in the AFC East race, which is looking a lot like the NFC North. The Patriots' 4-4 leads the division, so a Bills win and a Miami win over the Pats would result in a three-way tie at the top. The Bills' Willis McGahee is averaging nearly 100 yards per game, while the Bills' run defense is the second worst in the league.
"I learned my lesson last time," says McGahee, "when I claimed to be the game's best back before we played the Raiders. Lamont Jordan outdid me that day. So, I won't say I'm the best back in the game, even though I am. I'll say this: I'm better than Larry Johnson. At least in football."
If you're having trouble choosing a winner for this game, go find yourself a wooden nickel, preferably with an Indian on one side and a buffalo on the other. Flip it. There's your winner.
The Chiefs win on the ground, as Johnson rushes for 145 yards and two TDs.
Kansas City wins, 23-19.
Minnesota @ N.Y. Giants
Faster than you can say, "Mike Tice still has a job?" the Vikings are back on the very outer fringes the playoff hunt, beating the Lions 27-14 to remain two games behind the division-leading Bears. Of course, we all know the Vikes can play themselves out of playoff contention faster than you can say, "3-5 is in the playoff hunt?" Brad Johnson led the Vikings with two touchdown passes and no interceptions, which is 12 fewer than Daunte Culpepper threw in the first seven games.
"I think Daunte's been in shock all year," says Johnson. "If you spend your first six years throwing to Randy Moss, only to have him yanked away from you, then you're bound to have difficulties. It's not like throwing to Randy requires precision. You throw it up, he gets it. This year, Daunte had to make passes, not throws. He wasn't quite ready. Me, I'm not known for my arm strength, but I can hit the numbers on my receiver between two defenders from eight yards out any day."
This will be a rematch of the 2001 NFC Championship Game, in which the Giants blasted the Vikings 41-0.
"And just like in that one," says Giants' defensive end Michael Strahan, in training for his championship final in the NFL Network's Sexiest Gap-Toothed Smile against Seattle's Shaun Alexander, "Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss won't be showing up for this one."
No, they won't. But Eli Manning, Tiki Barber, Plaxico Burress, and Jeremy Shockey do. Unfortunately for the Vikes, they play for the Giants. New York puts the clamps on the Vikings, and Barber rushes for 123 and a score.
Giants win, 31-21.New England @ Miami
What's big news in Miami? The Dolphins contention in the AFC East? Ricky Williams' first touchdown of the year? Shaquille O'Neal's giant sprained ankle?
No, none of that. It's those 1972 Dolphins stirring in their graves, starting to worry because the Colts are 8-0. Oh, those guys aren't dead? Well, tell them not to worry, because the Colts are a long way from undefeated for the year. Now, if the Colts survive Week 14 at Jacksonville and Week 15 at home against the Chargers, then Bob Griese, Larry Csonka, Nick Buoniconti, and the boys can start to panic, and beg Dan Marino to intervene.
Anyway, should the Dolphins win, they would be in a tie for first place at 4-5. And the defending Super Bowls champions would be 4-5 as well. And Tom Brady may go into another fit of cursing like he did last Monday against the Colts. Sure, your defense gave up 41 points, and sure, it looked like Peyton Manning outplayed you. Look at it this way, if you would have been playing against the Patriots' secondary, you easily could have scored 41 points and thrown for 300 yards, like Manning.
"You're right," says Brady. "I torch those guys in practice everyday."
The Dolphins will try to attack the Patriots with their two running back system of Williams and Ronnie Brown. It's clear the Patriots are more vulnerable through the air, but with Gus Frerotte under center, the AFC's 15th lowest-rated quarterback, coach Nick Saban would rather take his chances on the ground.
The Patriots have won every other game this year, which means they have rebounded from each of their previous three losses with a win. Sounds like a pattern to me. Brady throws for 275 yards and two touchdowns.
New England wins, 27-23.
San Francisco @ Chicago
Twenty years ago, the Bears sported a smothering defense, and dominated what was then known as the NFC Central. This year, the Bears lead the NFC North by two games, and a dominating defense is the key. Is this a case of history repeating itself?
"Let's see," says Chicago coach Lovie Smith. "Mike Ditka coached that team. In twenty years, if you find me on ESPN on Monday nights bickering with a former player known as 'The Playmaker,' then I guess history will have repeated itself. Or, if we currently featured a 350-pound defensive lineman known as the 'Refrigerator,' history may have repeated. Or, if my team was brazen enough to cut a rap called 'The Super Bowl Shuffle,' then history may have repeated."
"Does this mean twenty years from now," says 49ers quarterback Cody Pickett, "I'll be endorsing FedEx in a commercial in which I make hard, shoe-squeaking cuts in an airport concourse, like Joe Montana? Or, I'll be pitching some silly football-on-a-string contraption called the 'RZ Trainer,' a la Montana?"
Only if you're lucky.
The Bears will rely on their usual formula for success: an early Kyle Orton touchdown pass, followed by a few Robbie Gould field goals, a Thomas Jones or Cedric Benson rush touchdown, and defense. The 49ers' formula? Another road loss.
Chicago wins, 23-6.
Denver @ Oakland
Last week, the Raiders were dealt a heartbreaking defeat at the hands of the Chiefs, as Larry Johnson scored from one yard out to give Kansas City a last-second, 27-23 win. The loss left the Raiders at 3-5, and 0-3 in the AFC West.
"I guess you could say that puts us in a 'black hole,'" says Raiders' coach Norv Turner. "And I'm not talking about our home stadium, although this game does take place in 'The Black Hole," known officially as, uh, well, I'm not sure what this stadium's real name is. But I'm sure it's named after some corporation that paid way too much to have its name on the stadium, even though no one calls it that. It's too bad there's not a company, legitimate or otherwise, that can pay to have this dump officially named 'The Black Hole."
Indeed, the Raiders are desperate for a win, not only to keep their pencil thin playoff hopes alive, but also to knock the Broncos down a notch from their high horse. And I'm sure the Chiefs and Chargers would appreciate the favor.
I'm sure the Broncos didn't want to follow their bye week with a visit to Oakland, but they have to start playing AFC West road games at some point. This week's Raider game will be the first of three West road tests the Broncos will face in their final eight games. The Broncos' running game has been their strength, and Jake Plummer has nearly eliminated the bad decisions that plagued him last year. Plummer has thrown 12 touchdown passes against only three interceptions. Can the Broncos keep the pace?
"I know I can," says Plummer. "Not only have I cut down on my interceptions, I've also totally eliminated middle fingers from my game. No, I haven't cut them off with garden shears, I simply have resisted the edge to shoot the bird to any fans, especially my own. Playing at Oakland will be a test. The fans there are probably the league's best hecklers, and certainly the most profane. Hopefully, the only finger I extend won't be the middle, but the index, letting all those Raider fans know who's number one."
Plummer is a man of his finger, and word. Mike Anderson and Tatum Bell combine for 160 yards rushing, and Plummer throws two touchdowns.
Broncos win, 31-27.
N.Y. Jets @ Carolina
The Panthers, with last Sunday's victory at Tampa Bay, moved into a tie with the Falcons atop the NFC South, and now share the NFC's best record with the Falcons, Giants, and Seahawks at 6-2.
"Yeah, and we also lead the league in offense," says coach John Fox. "That is, illegal offenses committed by two of our cheerleaders. Sex in the women's bathroom stall of a bar. Who exactly had a problem with that? I'd really like to breakdown the game film of that incident. By the way, what, or should I say who, was the over/under? Some of you hip hop old-schoolers may be familiar with the words of Digital Underground rapper Humpty Hump, who claimed to have once gotten busy in a Burger King bathroom. Now, these two chicks can top Humpty's claim, because they got busy in a Banana Joe's bathroom stall. Here's a little advice, ladies. If you feel the urge to get busy in a bathroom stall and wish not to be interrupted, try the men's room. Take it from a man, we won't stop you."
I love football.
The Panthers are riding two players with a nose for the end zone to the top of the NFC. Wide receiver Steve Smith leads the league in receiving touchdowns, while running back Stephen Davis is third in the league with 11 rushing TDs. Those two score one touchdown apiece, and the Panther defense forces three Brooks Bollinger turnovers.
Carolina wins, 29-13.
Green Bay @ Atlanta
"If I were quarterbacking the Eagles," say Brett Favre, "I surely wouldn't have fresh cornrows like Donovan McNabb, and I would have given Terrell Owens a good country ass whuppin' early last year. In any case, I'm not quarterbacking the Eagles, and I have no idea why Michael Irvin would suggest such a thing. All he did was get Owens suspended. My guess is so T.O. wouldn't be able to play Monday's game against Irvin's beloved Cowboys. Mission accomplished, Playmaker."
The Packers lost a tough 20-10 game to the Steelers last Sunday, and now face a Falcons' team headed in the opposite direction. Last week, Atlanta beat the Dolphins 17-10 behind a season-high 228 yards passing from Michael Vick.
"Wow. Did you say 'season-high' 228 yards?" asks Favre. "That's passing, right? That would be like me rushing for 150 yards. Which, I soon may have to do if our running backs keep dropping like flies. But I think we may have found a keeper in young Samkon Gado. With apologies to former Chiefs' running back Christian Okoye, we're calling Samkon the 'New Nigerian Nightmare.'"
The real nightmare is that Gado is the Packers' fifth-string tailback, but he proved to be sturdy against the physical Steelers' defense, with 26 rushing attempts. So, if Green Bay can get a rushing attack started, and Brett Favre stops turning the ball over, then Packers coach Mike Sherman may burn Atlanta to the ground in celebration.
But that won't happen. Favre will struggle against a tough Falcons defense, and Vick will get back to what he does best: making up for inadequate passing with 20- and 30-yard scrambles. Warrick Dunn rushes for 110 yards, and the Falcons win, 27-21.
St. Louis @ Seattle
If you're the St. Louis Rams, number one in your game plan on defeating the Seahawks is stopping Shaun Alexander. The NFL's leading rusher, with 949 yards, also leads the league with 14 rushing touchdowns.
"I've devised a scheme to combat Alexander," says Rams head coach Mike Martz, from his secret laboratory in the boiler room of the Edward Jones Dome. "It's simple. It's the same master plan the Rams front office has used to shut me out: lock me out of the building. If we can lock Alexander out of Quest Stadium, we've got a shot. If that doesn't work, we can look up my good friend and Portland native Tonya Harding. I'm sure she knows some goons who would be willing to bust Alexander's knee cap for a low price."
A loss could be devastating to the Rams' cause; should the Seahawks win, they'll hold a three game lead on the Rams, and the Rams will fall to 1-3 in the division. And, right now, it looks like the NFC wildcards will come from the East and South, so if you don't win the West, you go home.
If the Rams have a shot, it will have to be with quarterback Marc Bulger and wide receiver Torry Holt in the lineup. In Week 5 in Seattle, Bulger threw for 336 yards, 126 of those to Holt. Without Bulger and Holt, it's doubtful the Rams can score enough to beat the Seahawks. Wait a minute. They couldn't even win with them. So scratch that analysis. Let's analyze something else. Who does the dumber Fathead.com commercial, Holt or Ben Roethlisberger?
"That's a toss up," says Chad Johnson. "They both are pretty goofy in those commercials. Mine has to be the coolest, 'cause I got gold teeth, and I put 'em right in the camera."
Bulger and Holt play, as does Isaac Bruce, but Alexander and Matt Hasselbeck play better. Alexander rushes for a score, and Hasselbeck throws for two.
Seahawks win, 30-24.
Washington @ Tampa Bay
What moves faster than Bucs' receiver Joey Galloway sprinting downfield for a 50-yard touchdown score?
"Ah, curse words out of my mouth when Chris Simms is at quarterback?" answers Tampa coach John Gruden.
That is fast, Coach, but I was thinking that something faster is Tim Rattay's ascension in the quarterback depth chart.
"Not so fast, my friend," says ESPN college football analyst/clown Lee Corso. "Chris Simms is still the quarterback, and he will lead the Texas Longhorns into the Rose Bowl against the USC Trojans."
Corso's right about one thing: Simms is still the starter. And if he doesn't pick up the pace, he may find himself the victim in Gruden's next horror flick, Chuckie Benches Chris Simms.
For the second week in a row, Simms will face one of the NFL's toughest defenses. Last week, the Redskins shut down the Eagles, thanks in part to the return to the starting lineup of linebacker LaVar Arrington, who had been in defensive coordinator Gregg Williams' doghouse.
"The dog is loose now," says Arrington, "and I'm going to fetch me some quarterback."
Arrington records a sack and forces a fumble, while Mark Brunell produces an efficient 220-yard passing day.
Redskins win, 20-16.
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
Last week, the Steelers vanquished the Packers for their 11th-straight road win, only the fourth team to accomplish that feat. Pittsburgh is now 4-0 on the road, and now head home to Heinz Field, where they are 2-2.
"Guess what?" says Browns head coach Romeo Crennel. "One of those two teams to beat you at home was the Patriots. And last year, your only home loss was to, you guessed it, the Patriots. And guess who was defensive coordinator for that team. Yours truly. And guess who's coaching the Browns, the team you face this Sunday?"
"Sam Rutigliano?" answers Steelers' coach Bill Cowher.
No, Bill. It's Crennel.
"You can tell by the way my lower jaw protrudes that I'm not happy," explains Cowher.
The Browns got a big game from running back Reuben Droughns, who rushed for 116 yards and caught four passes for 73 yards, to defeat the Titans, 20-14. Earlier last week, Droughns was arrested for driving while intoxicated, a charge to which he later pleaded not guilty. To a professional athlete, pleading not guilty essentially means, "I'm guilty as sin, but I've got the money to hire a brilliant, yet unscrupulous lawyer to bail me out." And Droughns can afford a chauffeur even if he is convicted.
Minutes before kickoff, as the Steelers take the field, the sneaky Droughns hops on the back of Jerome Bettis as Bettis makes his way toward the Steelers' sideline.
"Hey, man!" cries Bettis. "What are you doing?"
"Well, Jerome," replies Droughns, "as you know, my license has been suspended. With no other means of transportation, I have no other alternative than to take the 'Bus.'"
"Here's your stop," says Bettis, as he tosses Droughns over to the Browns' bench.
Charlie Batch again gets the start for the Steelers, while Ben Roethlisberger recovers from knee surgery. Again, Batch will thank his lucky stars that Pittsburgh has a defense and a running game, so he won't be pressured to outdo his numbers against Green Bay (9-for-16, 65 yards, one interception). Duce Staley will get a load of carries with Willie Parker and Bettis not fully healthy. Staley rushes for 100 yards and a touchdown, while the Pitt defense forces four turnovers.
Steelers win, 20-13.
Dallas @ Philadelphia
How do you spell turmoil? Give me a 'T'! Give me an 'O'! What does that spell? 'T.O.!' And, oh yeah, you'll need a 'U,' and 'R,' an 'M,' an 'I,' and an 'L.' And how do you spell "Eagles?"
"Well," says Philly quarterback Donovan McNabb, "there is no 'T.O.' in Eagles. I think I speak for the entire Eagles' organization when I say, 'Sha na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye. You piece of trash.' We can lose with T. O. And we can lose without T.O. We made it all the way to the Super Bowl last year without Owens. Then, in the Super Bowl, he plays, and we lose."
Owens was suspended for four games without pay, and the Eagles will continue to pay Owens after that, but he won't play for the rest of the year.
"First, I'm slapped with a one-game suspension," says Owens, "after I apologize. So, that's more like getting bitch-slapped with a one-game suspension. Then, I get the four-game suspension and I'm done for the year. Ouch! Pimp slapped."
Dallas returns from a bye week trailing the division-leading Giants by one game. And Keyshawn Johnson is looking like an angel.
"It's too bad T.O. couldn't be here for this one," says Johnson. "I'll be in Philly. Michael Irvin will be in Philly with the ESPN Monday Night Countdown crew. If only T.O. could be here, it would be the greatest collection of loud-mouthed receivers ever assembled in one place."
Monday night's game is crucial for both teams. With a loss, Philly could face a three-game deficit to the Giants, and will be 0-3 in division games. If Dallas loses, and the Giants and Redskins win, Dallas would be in last place with the Eagles. And Bill Parcells will be steaming mad.
The Eagles will look to avenge their 33-10 Week 5 beating at the hands of Dallas. And they want to prove that they can win without Owens. And they do.
David Akers kicks a late field goal to give the Eagles a dramatic 24-23 win.
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