Being a Clipper: Anybody Smell Brimstone?

We all have our little secrets. Multiple personalities. Unsightly rashes.

I'm a Clippers fan. I know, it's embarrassing. Trust me, if there were any other choice, I'd leave them in heartbeat. You think it's easy watching a team devise new and clever ways to waste draft picks? Alas, as we all know, a favorite team isn't so much something you choose as something that chooses you. It's a destiny, really. It just happens that the destinies of people who live in San Antonio and Miami are a little brighter than those of us in San Diego.

In 2005, some experts believe the Clipps' lineup is one that could get to the playoffs. Elton Brand is on autopilot for 20 points and 12 rebounds every night. Corey Maggette is always a threat to go off for 30 or 40, and Chris Kaman has flashed the ability to dominate inside.

Cuttino Mobley? Just another guy who puts up points wherever he goes, and Sam Cassell could give this sorry crew the winning attitude that they've lacked for so many years. But frankly, who are we kidding here? There better not be any mirrors in the Staples Center locker rooms, because as soon as these guys see the name on the fronts of those jerseys, it's all over.

After years of lottery picks, my Clippers should, in theory, have assembled a college all-star team. A juggernaut of the best talent that amateur basketball has to offer, dressed in the red white and blue and flaunting their talent in front of their purple-and-gold neighbors. Instead, they're a punch line. A novelty act.

The word "Clippers" is synonymous with failure, even to people who have never heard of basketball. How can it be that an organization can wander in utter cluelessness for so many years? Thirty-five seasons for five winning records? One since 1979? Is this group even trying?

It got me thinking. Maybe winning just isn't an option for this team. Just as thousands (okay, maybe hundreds) of fans are forced by cosmic fate to hitch their emotional wagons to this tired donkey of a team, perhaps the players themselves have made their way to Los Angeles for some higher purpose. Just as a trade to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays is capital punishment for a baseball career, it may be that the Clippers' roster represents NBA purgatory. The Staples Center on game night? Well, I guess that would be the sixth circle of hell.

If playing for the Clippers is a special brand of punishment doled out by the Gods of Basketball, however, it still remains to be seen exactly why each member of the 2005-06 Clippers has been chosen for this latest ride on the Carousel of Suck. Below are listed some members of this year's Clippers squad, along with a brief explanation of what might have precipitated their demotion to Clipperville.

Elton Brand and Corey Maggette

These guys are starters and both pretty talented, so you know they screwed up pretty badly to end up wiling away their careers in the NBA's minor leagues. The bottom line here is that the Gods clearly hate Duke. It's as simple as that. Let's examine the track record, shall we? Christian Laettner? There's a career worth forgetting. Trajan Langdon? Remember when everybody was excited about the Alaskan Assassin? Grant Hill? He's like Achilles with 10 different fatal weaknesses. Jay Williams? Stop me when you get the picture. These guys never had a chance. It's the Gods' way of punishing those who receive unfair blessings in college. Combine these two with Clippers rookie Daniel Ewing, and there's not much doubt. Three Blue Devils on one roster? That ain't coincidence. It's fate.

Cuttino Mobley

The Gods like passing, Cuttino. Perhaps if you'd done more of it in Houston and Orlando, I wouldn't have to be writing this. Now, they've designed a very special torture for you: starting next to Sam Cassell. The Gods will cackle with glee watching you and Sam battle to see who can hoist up the most shots in a five-minute span. The scoreboard crew at Staples can give the shot clock a rest with you two on the floor. Twenty-five seconds won't be necessary, thank you very much.

Sam Cassell

Ditto. Success came awfully fast, didn't it, Sam? Maybe a little too fast, huh, buddy? You weren't exactly the pick of the litter when you left Florida State in 1993, but that worked out just fine. You slid right into Houston Rockets mix, alongside Hakeem Olajuwon, Otis Thorpe, Robert Horry and picked up a championship ring in 1994 before you knew what losing felt like and for an encore, well, you picked up Clyde the Glide, and cruised to your second title in two years. Think of the Clippers as your latest lesson in the "Learning to Lose With Dignity" series.

Yaroslav Korolev

The Basketball Gods hate Commies, Yaro. Welcome to hell. You just had to come to America, huh?

Shaun Livingston

I'm pretty sure the Gods love the 'fro, so that couldn't be the problem. My only guess is that they also like college, a place Shaun has never been. They'd much rather have seen the youngster take a few classes and learn a few more moves before cashing NBA paychecks. Then again, if he'd gone to Duke, it would have been a moot point. At least he can hope for a trade.

The list of offenders is a long one and too long for the present time. Suffice it to say, if you believe in karma, you wouldn't have liked these guys in their previous lives. Then again, at least they can look forward to something better the next time around. I'm thinking dung beetle.