NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 9

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Atlanta @ Miami

The Dolphins stuck their dorsal fins back in the AFC East race with a big road win over New Orleans in Baton Rouge. With rushing contributions from Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, who combined for 188 yards, the Dolphins beat the Saints 21-6 to remain one game back of the Patriots. Brown rushed for 106 yards on 23 carries, an effort that turned out to be much more successful than his trick-or-treat haul the following night.

"All I got was a rock!" complained Brown, who then got a bad hold on an extra point attempt from his "friend" Lucy, who moved the ball just as Brown was about to kick it.

Williams, who racked up 82 yards on 17 carries, celebrated his first foray this season into double-digit rushing yardage in a pumpkin patch waiting for the return of the Great Pumpkin, while contemplating life's greater possibilities.

"Is it possible to shotgun a bong hit from the blow hole of a dolphin?" asks Williams.

Absolutely, Ricky. I think that's called an "organic water bong."

In any case, the 'Fins grabbed their first road win of the year, which is more than the Jets and Bills can say. With a win against the Falcons and a Patriots victory over the Colts, Week 10's Patriots at Dolphins game will be for the AFC East lead. Of course, if they both lose, Week 10's game will be just as important.

Atlanta enjoyed a bye week, and it was business as usual except for the case of DeAngelo Hall. Hall, under contract to endorse Reebok products, had his contract terminated for wearing Nike's in last Monday's Jets/Falcons game. Hall also sported a hat with a Nike logo in an interview.

"Where in this contract does it say I can't wear Nike products?" asks Hall, wearing FUBU to a Rocawear function hosted by Jay-Z.

Right there on page one, column one, paragraph one, line one. It says, "DeAngelo Hall is not to be seen wearing any clothing other than that with the Reebok label, unless he is filmed or photographed committing an unlawful act. In that case, we would prefer him to be wearing Nike, adidas, or Fruit of the Loom."

Hall wears Nike, and snatches an interception off of Gus Frerotte, a paid endorser for the Miami Payless Shoe Store No. 9. The Dolphins' defense slows Warrick Dunn on the ground, but the shifty running back scores on a pass from Michael Vick.

Falcons win, 20-16.

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

In pre-game warm-ups last week before the Vikings met the Panthers, Vikings' cornerback Fred Smoot, one of the NFL's premier trash-talkers, had a lot to say to Carolina wide receiver Steve Smith. Apparently, Smoot said that he would not be covering Smith, and Smith was free to catch any pass thrown his way. Smith ended the day with 11 catches for 201 yards and a TD, while Smoot ended the game on the sideline with a shoulder injury, and his pride in much worse shape.

"Smoot's like a chihuahua with a megaphone," explains Smith. "His bark is louder than his bite. I surely don't fear his bark. I'm more frightened by my stomach growling than anything Smoot's got to say. And that was no shoulder injury he left the game with — he was suffering from a condition known as 'third degree burn.' He may talk the smack, but I delivered the smack, right upside his head."

"Steve will accept any challenge," says Panthers' coach John Fox. "I think Steve put it best when he said, 'When somebody is banging on your door, I am not going to hide in the corner ... I am going to open it.' Steve won't hide in the corner, nor will he hide in the trunk of a car, like former Panther felon Rae Carruth."

The Bucs dropped only their second game of the year, a 15-10 majority decision to the 49ers, thanks to five Joe Nedney field goals and three turnovers by quarterback Chris Simms, who probably became the only quarterback ever to lose a game to a team collectively quarterbacked by Ken Dorsey and Cody Pickett.

"Cody Pickett. Hmmm," says Tampa coach John Gruden. "It sounds like that kid has heart, unlike my boy Simms. If Cody Pickett wasn't an NFL quarterback, I bet he'd be chewing tobacco and riding nasty bulls on the Professional Bull Riders Tour. And if he can stay in a game for more than eight seconds, he'd be doing better than Alex Smith or Dorsey."

Although fans are not subject to pat downs at the gates to Raymond James Stadium, opposing teams are still subject to a beat down, as the Bucs are surrendering an average of less than 10 points a game at home. Carolina will eclipse that average. Will that be enough to win? Maybe. Unless Tampa can get their running game going, their offense will suffer, especially with Simms and his buggy whip arms at the helm. That's enough to give Carolina the edge. The Panthers have won the last four in the series. Make it five. John Kasay kicks four field goals, and the Panthers win, 19-13.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore

What is the Cincinnati defense's obsession with intercepting quarterbacks five times in a game? Last Sunday, the Bengals added Brett Favre to the "Five Pick Club," along with Minnesota's Daunte Culpepper and Chicago's Kyle Orton. It looks as though NFC North quarterbacks are most prone to achieving this phenomenon.

"We call NFC North quarterbacks 'the gifts that keep on giving,'" says Bengals' cornerback Deltha O'Neal, the NFL's leader with six interceptions. "Christmas will come early for us in Week 15, when we visit the Lions."

Cincinnati's head coach Marvin Lewis built the Raven's defense into the league's most dominant force while serving as the Ravens' defensive coordinator. Now, Lewis is building a defense in Cincinnati that may not be as dominant as the Ravens circa 2000-2001, but the Bengals lead the league in turnovers, and sport three of the top five NFL interception leaders.

"Sure, it's true that a Lewis made that defense," says Lewis. "But it was Marvin Lewis, not Ray Lewis. Isn't it obvious why the Ravens' defense was so successful? It was the scheme, not the talent. Why do you think I got out of there when I did? Rome may be burning, but Baltimore is crumbling. By the way, if Jim Rose was on fire, would anyone put him out?"

I don't know, Marvin. Me, I'd start looking for some marshmallows.

Baltimore fell to 2-5 after last Monday's 20-19 loss to the Steelers. The Ravens can't run the ball successfully, and consequently, are having trouble scoring touchdowns in the red zone.

"We're having problems scoring touchdowns, period," yells Ravens' coach Brian Billick. "And we sure could use some help on offense. Has that Burger King kid been picked up by anyone? From what I've seen on television, he's really dynamic and has a flair for the dramatic. Plus, he can surprise me in the mornings by showing up in my bed with a sausage croissandwich. He's truly a two-way player. Or maybe we need to put Deion Sanders in on offense. The 'Neon' is dimming, and 'Prime Time' is well past his prime, but what do I have to lose? Don't answer that by saying 'my job.' Who's going to fire a Super Bowl-winning coach? It's not my fault we're losing. It's Kyle Boller's. That's why I drafted that sucker. To be the fall guy. When he plays, we lose. It's his fault. When he doesn't play, we lose. It's still his fault."

If Boller played, he might be granted membership in the Bengals' "Five Pick Club." However, Anthony Wright's the starter, and he only throws two interceptions. The Ravens' defense keeps them in it, but their offense takes them out of it. Chad Johnson scores on a TD pass from Carson Palmer, and Cincinnati wins, 23-17.

Detroit @ Minnesota

What must Joey Harrington have been thinking as he watched Jeff Garcia throw an interception that was returned for a touchdown by the Bears, giving Chicago a 19-13 overtime win? Charles Tillman plucked Garcia's ill-advised throw and waltzed 22 yards for the score.

"I'll tell you what I was thinking," says Harrington. "I was thinking, 'Wow. I could have done that. And I could have done it much better than Jeff Garcia.' Then I was thinking, 'That's what you get for starting Garcia and not me.' Then I was thinking, 'Well, that's what you get when you start me.' So, I'll just shut my trap. Who's our third string quarterback? Dan Orlovsky? I hope he's got his game face on."

The Vikings had their worst fears come true when Daunte Culpepper's knee injury was determined to be season-ending.

"That's probably the worst thing that could happen to this franchise," says head coach Mike Tice, "if you throw out trading away Randy Moss for a linebacker and a few measly draft picks. And, oh yeah, if you throw out the whole cruise boat incident on Lake Minnetonka, then Daunte's injury is the worst thing that could happen."

The Vikings will whip out their Big Johnson, Brad, to fill in as a capable backup for Culpepper, so give the Vikings an edge at the quarterback position. The Lions have the edge at the running back position with Kevin Jones, while home field gives the Vikes a slim advantage in intangibles.

"What's an 'intangible?'" asks Minnesota head coach Mike Tice.

Well, Mike, Webster's defines "intangible" as "incapable of being precisely identified or realized by the mind." So, "intangible" would be something similar to your team management skills.

Johnson throws two touchdowns, and the Vikings beat the Lions, 17-14.

Houston @ Jacksonville

What can Brown do for me? Well, besides unknowingly smuggling shipment after shipment of drugs up and down the east coast, UPS is pretty much useless to me. Now, if you ask Texans' coach Dom Capers the same question, he'll tell that Brown, kicker Kris Brown to be exact, won the Texans their first game of the year with a late 40-yard field goal against the Browns.

"It's good to be back in the win column," says a proud Capers, getting a head start on his imminent firing by packing his office belongings. "Correction, it's good to be in the win column. Now, we can distance ourselves from those Astros, who couldn't even win a World Series game."

Jacksonville lost a tough 24-21 decision to the Rams in St. Louis, giving up 179 yards rushing to Steven Jackson while doing so. Jackson also scored the game-winning touchdown on a 19 yard pass from Jamie Martin.

"I'm perplexed," says Jaguars head coach Jack Del Rio. "How did we lose this game? We outran them, we out-passed them, I out-coached them, and Jack Del Rio is definitely a much hipper name than Joe Vitt. I don't understand what happened."

Here's what happened, Jack. Your kicker, Josh Scobee, missed two field goals wide right, and Byron Leftwich's fourth quarter interception led to the Rams' winning score.

"Dang. I missed all that," says Del Rio. "Next time, I'll forget about impersonating Mike Martz and trying to call a play into the St. Louis booth."

The funny thing is, Jack, the call got through. You fooled them. Unfortunately, you called the game-winning play for the Rams. But don't worry. There's nothing better than following a tough road loss with a home game against Houston. And your schedule after that is pretty darn favorable.

The Jags rebound, and devastate the Texans, avenging last year's 21-0 season ending loss to Houston, which kept the Jags out of the playoffs. Fred Taylor rushes for 138 yards and a TD.

Jacksonville wins, 27-7.

Oakland @ Kansas City

After an 0-3 start, the Raiders have won three of their last four, and face a crucial AFC West test at Kansas City. With a win, the Raiders are back in the playoff picture. A loss, and Oakland falls to 3-5, and 0-3 in the division. Last week, two Jerry Porter touchdown receptions, his first of the year, book-ended a 34-25 win over the Titans.

"Randy who?" says Porter. "Nah. I'm just kidding. Everybody knows Moss is the heart and soul of this team. Well, maybe he's not the heart, but he's definitely the soul. Randy's been a little down lately. I think he's upset that his hamstring injury is flaring up again, causing him to miss some time."

"Damn, Jerry," exclaims Moss, "you're a fool! I'm not upset that I'm missing plays. Mad Skillz doesn't mind part-time action. Even when I did play full-time, it was part-time. This way, here in Oakland, when I take a play off, I'm on the bench resting, and not on the field pretending to run a pattern, or throwing a halfhearted block. What's really got me upset is I missed the boat ride in Minnesota. I should have chartered that boat. Shoot, even the Raiders' old coach, Bill Callahan, is giving the throat slash gesture to college officials. That should have been me! I'm the bad guy."

Last week in San Diego, Chiefs' running back Priest Holmes was introduced to a player known as "Jack Dupp." Actually, the player was really Chargers' linebacker Shawne Merriman, who "jacked up" Holmes with a big hit that sent the Chiefs star out of the game with a concussion.

"Then those clowns on ESPN's Monday Night Matchup have to go and rub it in with their 'Jacked Up!' segment," complains Holmes. "I don't mind Tom Jackson telling me I just got jacked up, because he's probably jacked up opponents several times. But Michael Irvin, Ron Jaworski, and especially Stuart Scott? The only thing they've ever jacked up is their car to change a flat tire. You guys need to shut up."

The Chargers slowed the Chiefs' running game, but that allowed Trent Green to finally break out for the first time this year, throwing for 347 yards and two touchdowns. Passing lanes should be wide open in this game. The Chiefs win a shootout, 34-30.

San Diego @ N.Y. Jets

Last week versus the Chiefs, LaDainian Tomlinson threw his third touchdown pass of the year, leading all running backs, as well as Jets' quarterbacks. Tomlinson hit Keenan McCardell on a halfback option pass in the second quarter of last week's 28-20 victory over the Chiefs, giving L.T. three touchdowns on three pass attempts this year.

"And Jets' quarterbacks have attempted 207 passes," says Tomlinson. "If they were as accurate and prolific as myself, then they would have 207 touchdown passes. But that's a huge 'if.' I mean huge. Really huge. Besides, I doubt a Jets quarterback could throw three passes without hurting a shoulder, throwing an interception, or fumbling. Actually, if you give them three passes, they might do all three."

The Jets are 2-5, and, believe it or not, have scored fewer points than the Texans. Coach Herman Edwards has said that Vinny Testaverde will be the starter on Sunday, despite Vinny's troubles two Monday's ago in Atlanta, in which he threw an interception and lost three fumbles before leaving with a right Achilles' injury.

"Sure, he might be old and hapless," says Edwards, "but, for now, Vinny is our quarterback. This team has rallied behind Vinny, because if we're behind him, we're in better position to tackle the other team after they snatch one of his fumbles or interceptions."

The Chargers will employ an obvious game plan: stop the run, then pressure the daylights out of Testaverde when he's forced to pass. And he'll pass, because the Chargers will get a lead. Testaverde turns the ball over twice before San Diego knocks him out of the game. Tomlinson rushes for two touchdowns, and Antonio Gates grabs a touchdown pass. Chargers win, 27-13.

In the second quarter, after a Testaverde interception, Edwards injures his right shoulder throwing his arms in the air in exasperation.

Tennessee @ Cleveland

Last week, the Browns didn't do themselves a favor by becoming the first team to lose to the Texans. In fact, by serving Houston with their first win in seven tries, they drew more attention to themselves as possibly the league's worst team.

"We've beaten the Bears, and we've beaten the Packers, who are 1-6," says Browns' quarterback Trent Dilfer. "How can we be the league's worst team?"

Good question, Trent. Okay, maybe the Browns aren't the worst team in the league, but they would be mentioned in the same breath as some of the worst teams in the league.

"Okay, that's better," says Dilfer. "Have you visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame here in Cleveland?"

No, I haven't.

"Hey, speaking of hall of fames," says former Oilers' great Warren Moon, "if I'm elected, which team will I represent, Houston or Tennessee? I played in Houston, but that franchise is now in Tennessee. And neither team sports an oil rig on its helmet."

Hey, Warren, how about the Edmonton Eskimos? That was your first professional team. But really, it doesn't matter. Just wear a No. 1 jersey to the ceremony and we promise not to mention anything about blowing a 35-3 lead in a playoff game in Buffalo.

The Browns bring a formidable defense to the table, but on offense, they're known as the "Orange Slush" offense. Steve McNair should find enough holes in the Browns' defense, and the Browns are victimized by another Brown, Titan back Chris Brown, who rushes for a score.

Titans win, 23-21.

Chicago @ New Orleans

Have the Bears clinched the NFC North division, with nine games left to go in the season? Not officially, but with two wins already over the Lions, and the Vikings and Packers fading into oblivion, Chicago is well on its way to the division crown.

"And I honestly think we can clinch it with just four wins," says Bears' linebacker Brian Urlacher. "If the White Sox can win the World Series with just four wins, who's to say we can't win the North with four wins?"

Not me. Obviously, the Lions can't do anything about it, and the Vikings and Packers aren't really striking fear into anyone, except their fans. And I doubt seriously the Saints will put up much of a fight either, unlike their owner, Tom Benson, who took a swing at a camera at the Saints' last home game in San Antonio.

"Hey, I was just answering a question," says Benson. "They wanted to know if I'm moving the Saints to San Antonio. I gave them my answer: 'talk to the hand.'"

Last week, the Dolphins ran all over the Saints, rushing for 188 yards. Like the Dolphins, the Bears will run the ball, and "Mr. Efficiency" Kyle Orton will throw an early touchdown pass. From there, the tenacious Bears' defense takes over, and the Bears win their fourth in a row.

Chicago wins, 23-13.

N.Y. Giants @ San Francisco

Lost in the midst of Tiki Barber's 24-carry, 206-yard rushing day was the play of Giants quarterback Eli Manning in New York's 36-0 thrashing of the Redskins last week.

"Yeah, sometimes good play by the quarterback gets overlooked when a running back goes off," says Manning.

No, I don't mean it that way, Eli. I mean Barber's big day overshadowed your crappy day. 12-for-31 for 146 yards is not too impressive, is it?

"No, it's not impressive," says Manning. "But who needs to impress when my running back is rushing for over 200 yards? With that production, and a big lead, I was free to try a lot of no-look and underhand passes. You know, stuff that Brett Favre and Aaron Brooks do."

San Francisco somehow upset the Buccaneers last week, but lost backup quarterback Ken Dorsey ("from the 'U,' says Michael Irvin) to an ankle injury. That leaves QB duties in the hands of Cody Pickett, and the backup duties fall to reality TV stooge Jesse Palmer, just signed by the 49ers.

"I'm sure Jesse understands that this is not The Bachelor," says San Fran head coach Mike Nolan. "He doesn't get to choose from a roomful of beautiful women the one with whom he would like to have an ultimately doomed relationship. Of course, the 49ers' organization is always looking for talent for future training videos, so if Jesse can direct some desperate ladies this way, I'm sure the front office would be grateful."

The Giants won't commit the costly turnovers that sealed the Bucs' fate last week in 'Frisco. Manning should return to form, and the G-Unit defenders should feast on Pickett. Manning connects for two TD passes, and the Giants avoid a letdown from last week's emotional win.

New York wins, 24-20.

Seattle @ Arizona

Who is the NFL's only real "player?" That would be Arizona punter Scott Player, the NFL's fifth-leading punter, big-time ladies' man, and connoisseur of bling.

"Hold on a second," says Player. "My name may be Player, but I'm no 'player,' or 'playa,' as a real 'player' would say. Being white and a punter precludes me from any player potential. I do like kickin' it with my homies, though."

I guess the real story in Arizona is the quarterback situation. Josh McCown has had two subpar games and may be playing his way back to the bench. Once again, coach Dennis Green has a decision to make.

"One one hand, there's Josh," says Green, "and on the other is Kurt Warner. Gosh, I wish I had more hands."

Seattle controls the NFC West right now, with a two game lead on the Rams. With a win in Arizona, the Seahawks will return home in Week 10 to host the Rams, and a chance to put them three games down with seven games to play.

"If anyone is capable of blowing a lead like that," says Seattle's Mike Holgren, "it's us. Last year, we blew a 17-point lead at home to the Rams and lost in overtime. But let's not overlook the Cardinals. They're 1-2 at home, and undefeated in Mexico City. And I hear Phoenix is a great place to retire."

Warner gets the start, but is without big target Anquan Boldin, who's out with a bruised knee. And the Cards can't run the ball, so unless Warner completes 20 passes to Larry Fitzgerald, it doesn't look good.

Shaun Alexander rushes for 140 yards and two touchdowns, and the Seahawks win, 31-17.

Pittsburgh @ Green Bay

Green Bay's Brett Favre tossed a career regular season-worst five interceptions against the Bengals last Sunday, and it would have been six, if you count the one taken by a runaway Benglas' fan, who ran on to the field and snatched the ball right out of Favre's right hand.

"Excuse me," says Favre, "but that would be a fumble, not an interception. Anyway, that guy showed some pretty nifty moves for a drunk, overweight Bengals' fan. He actually avoided a few tacklers out their. Bengals' security tackles about like our secondary: not very well. The guy that finally caught him gave him a pretty good shot, but he held on to the rock. I must commend Bengals security for controlling an ugly situation and not letting it get any uglier. That guy could have been naked!"

Anyway, the final result was a 21-14 loss to Cincinnati, and despite Favre's five interceptions, the Packers still had a chance to tie, after all runaway fans were removed from the field and pummeled. Here's a little advice, Brett, for the next time you try the old "fake spike" play: make sure you let your teammates know you're doing it.

The Steelers squeaked by the Ravens 20-19 last Monday, and Ben Roethlisberger further injured his knee, and won't play against the Packers after minor knee surgery. And that doesn't sit well with Favre.

"There's a word for that," says Favre, "that starts with a 'P.' And it's not 'probable.' I can't remember the last time I played on a knee that wasn't hurt. Go ahead and ask me if you'll ever see Brett Favre's name listed on an injury report. Go ahead, punk. Ask me."

No need, Brett. We know there's 'out,' 'doubtful,' 'questionable,' 'probable,' and then 'Favre.'

If the Packers ever needed some Favre magic, this is it. As always, Favre will keep the Packers in the game. Of course, that may be at the expense of several interceptions, but sometimes, you have to throw interceptions to get touchdowns. If Favre limits his bad throws, the Packers have a chance. But all it takes is one to ruin it all. Favre throws three costly interceptions, but none to runaway fans.

The Steelers remain undefeated on the road with a 27-21 win.

Philadelphia @ Washington

How do you follow up a 52-17 shellacking of the 49ers in Week 7? Well, if you're the Redskins, you get shutout 36-0 by division foe New York.

"That's much like beating the Chargers 20-17 one week," says Eagles' coach Andy Reid, "then getting waxed 49-21 by the Broncos the following week. I wouldn't call that 'building on a win' in either case. The point is that all defeats are bad, and some are worse than others. At least we didn't get shutout by the Giants. We may get shutout rushing the ball, but we will score points."

There were positives on two fronts for the Eagles, despite the lopsided loss to Denver. One, they had limited success running the ball, rushing for 79 yards. That's nothing to brag about, but it certainly beats the 24 yards against the Chargers two weeks ago. And two, the Eagles successfully passed the ball, even down 28-0, when the Broncos defense knew exactly what was coming.

There were no positives in the Redskins' 36-0 loss to the Giants, unless you count every offensive play the Giants ran. Now, the 'Skins find themselves in a must-win situation, as do the Eagles.

The tension is apparent on the field during pre-game warm-ups, when Redskins' quarterback Mark Brunell, in clear view of Donovan McNabb, engages in a regimen of sit-ups and crunches.

"Hey, Donovan," says Brunell, "I call these my 'abominable abdominals.' Don't laugh too hard."

McNabb gets the joke, but is in no laughing mood, since his primary weapon, Terrell Owens, is doubtful with an ankle injury.

"Well, I guess we'll have to run the ball," says McNabb. "Or not."

Without Owens, the Eagles are in trouble. Even with an injured Owens, the Eagles are in trouble.

The 'Skins get a touchdown run from Clinton Portis, and McNabb is forced into another 50-pass day.

Washington wins, 26-21.

Indianapolis @ New England

"I'm better than Tom Brady," says Peyton Manning, "at least as a commercial actor. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think my comic timing is much better than Brady's. Tell me what makes you laugh more. Tom Brady saying, 'Do metaphors pay?' in his Capital One commercial, or me saying 'Cut that meat! Cut that meat!' in my Mastercard ad? I think I win that one."

Yeah, you're right, Peyton. Let's see. That makes the score six to one, in Brady's favor.

It's nearly written in stone. Manning can't beat Brady, and he can't win in New England. Is this the year it all changes?

"What do you think?" asks Brady, listening to the song that always gets him pumped for the Colts, Foreigner's "Head Games." "Have you guys checked the weather forecast? They're calling for snow, and a 60% chance of choke."

The Colts have a zoo's worth of monkeys on their backs, plus a hell's worth of demons to exorcise, and the only way to rid themselves of their baggage is by winning in New England. If it is to be done, this is the year.

The Patriots will test the Colts' defense and Brady will unload the ball quickly to beat the Indy pass rush. The Colts will attack the Pats' defense with Edgerrin James. Expect some early strikes by both teams, with New England jumping out to a 7-0 lead on their first possession. The Colts answer quickly, with a Manning TD pass to Reggie Wayne. In the end, Manning's worst fears are realized — no, the Colts don't lose, but the outcome is left to the right foot of a Canadian. This time, Mike Vanderjagt makes the kick, and the Colts win, 27-24.