NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 8

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ Dallas

How fast did it take the Cowboys to go from first in the NFC East to last?

"About as quickly as it did for Drew Bledsoe to come back down to Earth," says a frustrated Bill Parcells, browsing through the waiver wire for a new kicker." And about as quickly as it did for the Eagles and Giants to pull wins out of their rear ends last Sunday. And speaking of rear ends, I feel like kicking some.

“First is kicker Jose Cortez', and unlike him, I don't miss. Why do they call it 'waivers?' I didn't wave goodbye to him. I didn't even say 'adios.' Next is Bledsoe's. Did he think he was back in Buffalo? 13-for-24 for 136 yards and two interceptions? That might have cut in in Buffalo, but not here. And, finally. I'm kicking the tail of my wide receivers coach. I don't know his name, but I want to complete the assault I started last Sunday."

The Cowboys were seconds away from attempting a game-winning field goal when Bledsoe tossed his second interception of the game. On the next play, Josh Brown kicked the 50-yard game winner for the Seahawks, and the Cowboys fell to 4-3.

Arizona's Dennis Green kept us all in suspense as far as naming the starting quarterback for last week's game versus Tennessee. Actually, there was no suspense, because no one cared. Anyway, Josh McCown got the start, and rightly so, after two straight games of 380+ yards passing. Then what did McCown do? He went out and had a Kurt Warner-like game, going 12-for-28 for 140 yards, one TD, and one interception.

"That sucks," replies Green." If I had known Josh was going to play like Kurt, I would have just started Kurt. How the heck does Anquan Boldin not catch a pass from you, Josh? Now, we're back to square one, another quarterback controversy. I will announce my starter at a press conference on the mid-field star at Texas Stadium, right after the coin toss."

With Julius Jones still out with a high ankle sprain, the Cowboys will have trouble running in the red zone. So they'll just pass it. And whomever starts for the Cardinals (McCown has been named the starter) will have to face the wrath of an angry defense who won't leave the outcome of the game in the hands of Bledsoe, or new kicker Shawn Suisham. Bledsoe throws two touchdowns, and, more importantly, no game-losing interception, and the Cowboys head to their bye week at a solid 5-3.

Dallas wins, 31-23.

Chicago @ Detroit

A week after the Packers and Vikings battled for last place in the NFC North, the Bears and Lions engage to see which carnivore will gain control of first place in the division. And if real bears and lions were taught to carry the football, you'd likely see more offense than you will in Sunday's showdown at Ford Field.

"Let's face it," says Lions head coach Steve Mariucci. "Both of these team have defenses that play like meat eaters, and offenses that play like vegetarians. That makes for a well-balanced diet, but not a well-balanced team. And let's not forgot the fruit. That would be our former quarterback, Joey Harrington, who got kicked to the cupboard and benched in favor of the gritty Jeff Garcia. This is Detroit, the auto capital of the world. If Harrington were a fruit, he would have to be a lemon. You know the old saying, 'When Matt Millen and the rest of the idiots in the front office insist on drafting a lemon, then make lemonade. Drink that lemonade for about three years until you finally realized that it's sour. Then go with the old stand-by, Garcia.'"

Yes, I'm familiar with that saying. I think Ben Franklin said it first, or was it Eminem? Anyway, Garcia led the Lions to a win at Cleveland, and he's built Ford tough.

The Bears held the Ravens to 199 yards total offense last week in a 10-6 victory. That's 16 total points. That means if you're a gambler and took the under, which was probably about 32, you won easily. But no more. Vegas has instituted a new rule that all games involving matchup combinations of the Bears, Lions, Ravens, and Browns will have the over/under set no higher than 19 points.

"I'll take that action," says former baseball great Pete Rose, dealing a hand of poker to his good friend, former Ohio State quarterback Art Schlicter. "Give me the under."

Although working with a limited receiving corps, Garcia finds Mike Williams for a late touchdown. In another defensive struggle, the Lions win 13-9 and take over first in the North.

Cleveland @ Houston

Can it get any worse in Houston? The Texans are 0-6, and quarterback David Carr is suffering an average of about six sacks a game. And, as Halloween approaches, this is where it gets spooky: the Texans had six yards passing last Sunday versus the Colts.

"Oh my gosh!" says Carr, chipping the white paint from Colts' helmets off of his blue Texans' headgear with a nail file. "That's three sixes! 666! The number of the beast! That's not a good omen. And neither is that spooky, operatic chanting I hear in the background. I sure hope the Browns don't have a player named Damien, or Lou Cipher, or Satan, like that hockey player for the Islanders. I've got enough horrors to deal with just being the QB for the Texans."

Besides sacks, those horrors include, hurries, knockdowns, and quarterback pressures, verbal insults, and face plants, all of which Carr has suffered several times this year. But let's give Carr some credit for something he hasn't suffered: a concussion. I say we start badgering Howie Long right now, and maybe by January, we will have convinced Long to include Carr on his "Tough Guys" team. Or not.

In Cleveland, Coach Romeo Crenel has built a solid defense, but the Browns are having trouble scoring, averaging only 13 points a game.

"True," says Crenel. "But the Texans are averaging just over 12 a game. That's like the irresistible force meeting the immovable object. And, you know what happens when those two things meet? Nothing. So, don't watch this game and expect any action."

Houston, not just the Texans, but the entire city, is in dire need of a win. The Astros were swept by the White Sox, but you have to believe that if they would have played seven games, the Astros would have won one. So, I'm going with the Texans to break into the win column with a thoroughly unconvincing 17-9 win. Domanick Davis rushes for 100 yards and a score.

Green Bay @ Cincinnati

Things are looking bleak in Green Bay. The Packers blew a 17-0 halftime lead, losing to the Vikings on Paul Edinger's 56-yard field goal as time expired. The loss dropped the Packers to 1-5, dead last in the NFC North. Lost for the season in the game were running back Ahman Green, and wide receiver Robert Ferguson is out for a month.

"This team is down right now," says Packer QB Brett Favre. "Sure, we're 1-5, but that's only two games out of first. The worst part is being the only team in the league's weakest division to lose last Sunday. But from what I hear, help is on the way, and it's being Fred Exed. If that means Freddie Mitchell, the big-mouthed former Philadelphia receiver, will soon be wearing Packer green and gold, then I think it's time for old No. 4 to hang it up. But not before I lead the NFL in touchdown passes."

The Bengals suffered their second loss of the season, losing 27-13 to division rival Pittsburgh and getting physically dominated in the process.

"That was a 'statement game' for us," says Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. "Well, we made a statement, all right. That statement was, "Ouch! You're hurting me. Stop it, Steelers!' How many wildcard teams make the playoffs now?"

That would be two, Starvin' Marvin. Luckily, you play in the AFC North, and you've got the Ravens twice and the Browns one more time. Win those, and beat teams with one win, like Green Bay, and you should be in.

With Favre as your quarterback, you always have a chance. But the Bengals are stinging from the Pittsburgh loss, and Chad Johnson is anxious to perform a touchdown celebration that won't be mocked by Pittsburgh's Hines Ward.

"I'm suing him for plagiarism," says Johnson.

Johnson dances, and Rudi Johnson scores on two short TD runs.

Bengals win, 31-26.

Jacksonville @ St. Louis

Can the Jaguars come in to St. Louis and ground the "Greatest Show on Turf" and the Rams high-powered offense?

"Is head coach Mike Martz allowed to call plays for the Rams?" asks Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio. "Oh, wait a minute. He's not. That's not the answer I was looking for. Is Jack Del Rio one of the coolest names on the planet, along with Duran Duran lead singer Simon Le Bon and former boxing trainer Teddy Atlas? The answer is 'yes.' And yes, we will shut down the Rams. Do you see the St. Louis Arch outside? That Arch is half a zero, which is the amount of points we plan on giving up this Sunday. See, here in Jacksonville, we play this thing called 'defense.' I know the Rams have a defense, they just don't play it."

In St. Louis, they play this thing called offense. They also play this game called "Keep the Head Coach Out of the Loop," in which head coach Mike Martz tries to relay plays to the booth. The object is to keep those plays from getting to the booth while maintaining a straight face.

Rams starting quarterback Marc Bulger is still out with a shoulder injury, so backup Jamie Martin will get his second start. Last week, Martin had reasonable success throwing the ball against the Saints.

"But we're not the Saints," says Del Rio. "I don't care who's calling the plays, we're bringing the heat on Martin. The guys on my defense are used to dating people named Jamie, not sacking them, so this will be a new experience for them."

With a rested Fred Taylor, the Jags will run the ball on the Rams. It won't be so easy for the Rams. The Jags have the league's fifth-best defense, so yards will be hard to come by. And with Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt banged up, passing won't be easier either. So, good luck, Jamie.

Taylor rushes for one touchdown, and the Jags sack Martin five times.

Jacksonville wins, 23-14.

Minnesota @ Carolina

Down 17-0 to Green Bay in Minnesota, Vikings coach Mike Tice resorted to a motivational tactic he had not used in quite some time.

Let me guess. Was it called "coaching?"

"Coaching?" says Tice. "Coaching is something lawyers do to football players before they take the stand for cross-examination by the prosecution. What I gave my players was a piece of my mind. It just happened to be the piece of my mind that holds all the curse words I know, which is every one in the book."

Whatever Tice said, it must have got his players attention, kind of like an afternoon cruise on the S.S. Sexual Misconduct. The Vikes stormed back and won 23-20 on Paul Edinger's 56-yard field goal as time expired, and celebrated later in the week with an x-rated hayride around Fred Smoot's farm.

The Panthers last faced Detroit in Week 6, winning dramatically on Chris Weinke's pass to Ricky Proehl. Starting QB Jake Delhomme was knocked out of that game on a big hit by Lions safety Kennoy Kennedy.

"But I'm back, better than ever," exclaims Delhomme, "with a slight loss of short-term memory and a ringing in my ears. Once these headaches subside, I should be back to my usual self."

The Delhomme to Steve Smith connection is one of the NFL's most dangerous, and the Vikings see it strike quickly for a first quarter Panthers touchdown. From there, Stephen Davis carries the load, while injured defenders Julius Peppers and Dan Morgan tough it out and anchor the defense.

Carolina wins, 30-24.

Oakland @ Tennessee

The Raiders' two big offseason acquisitions, Randy Moss and Lamont Jordan, paid off big time last week versus the Bills. Moss surprised everyone, especially fantasy owners, by toughing out hamstring and rib injuries to score one TD, while Jordan rushed for 122 yards and a career-high 3 TDs.

"You got to hand it to the big man upstairs," says Moss, "and I'm not talking about Jesus Christ. I'm talking about Al Davis. I'm not saying he's older than Jesus, just old enough to be his nephew. He is man who signs the checks, the man in the white silk jogging suit who gets around with the aid of a walker. That wouldn't pass the NBA dress code, but it's funky fresh in my book. Together, Mr. Al B. Rich and myself, 'Mad Skillz' Randy Moss, are starting a promotion for Lamont modeled after that of Michael Jordan. It's called 'Be Like 'Mont.' Hey, Lamont. You're just like Mike, right?"

"You bet, Randy," replies Jordan. "I'll bet you $100,000 I sink this putt."

Yep. Just like Mike.

The Raiders and Titans are in the same boat, injury-wise. Last week, the Raiders lost defensive backs Charles Woodson and Derrick Gibson for up to two months. Tennessee QB Steve McNair is ailing with various injuries, while his backup, Billy Volek, suffered a concussion last week against the Cardinals. WR Drew Bennett is out with a broken thumb, and running back Chris Brown suffered a shoulder stinger last week.

"So, what's your point?" asks Moss.

My point? My point is this, R. Mo. If you're hurt and playing, and Steve McNair is hurt and not playing, then what has become of this league, this planet, this universe?

"I've turned over a new leaf, so to speak," says Moss. "I meditate for two hours in a day in a room I call the 'Temple of Boom.' Actually, I meditate for about 10 minutes, then I play video games. But it seems to heal my pain."

The Raiders may be hurting on defense, but their offense is clicking. Kerry Collins throws TD passes to Moss and Jordan, and Jordan rushes for one score.

Raiders win, 33-24.

Washington @ N.Y. Giants

Mention the name "Moss" in NFL locker rooms, and immediately one name comes to mind. No, it's not Randy. It's not even Santana.

"Oh, I know who it is," says Redskins coach Joe Gibbs. "You must be talking about supermodel and coke fiend Kate Moss. I've partied with her. See, just like you people think the game has passed me by, I've proved you wrong. I'm still hip to the game, whether it be football, partying, or knowing which Moss I wanted as my wide receiver. That would be Randy. But he was taken. And Kate's not the best route-runner. So, we settled for Santana."

Good call, Joe. Santana is the NFL's leader in receiving yards, which has given big-play ability to Gibbs' offense, to go along with a smothering defense.

"Who says you have to tip the scales at 200 or more to make it as a receiver in this game?" asks Moss. "I may be small — I probably only weigh as much as the two Olsen twins on a full stomach. But defensive backs can't overpower me if they can't touch me. And if Michael Irvin hasn't said it enough, I'm from the 'U!'"

You mean that institute of higher learning, the University of Miami? So that's why all you "grads" simply say the "U." You can spell it!

Mention the name "Manning," and you've just called the name responsible for 23 touchdowns passes this season.

"And I've got 12 of them! Ah ha! I'm better than you Peyton," boasts Eli, the younger of the Mannings.

"As the older brother," says Peyton, "I have no recourse but to give little brother a noogie. But he's expecting that. And I see he doesn't have max protection on his flank, so I'm going to audible into an atomic wedgie, and rip the waistband of his BVDs over his head. Touchdown!"

Manning's atomic wedgie is cumbersome, but not as much as the Redskins' defense, which forces two Manning turnovers. Clinton Portis rushes for 120 yards and a touchdown, and the Redskins take control of the East.

Washington wins, 24-20.

Kansas City @ San Diego

What's the good news for the Chiefs? They've had a full nine days of rest since their last game, on October 21st in Miami.

And the bad news? Well, the Chargers are the league's highest-scoring team, and they will certainly be smarting from last week's 20-17 loss to the Eagles. LaDainian Tomlinson was held to seven yards rushing on 17 carries, and his NFL record streak of a touchdown in 18 consecutive games was halted.

"Why is that bad news for us?" asks Chiefs' coach Dick Vermeil.

Well, Dick. Let me explain. You could give up on one play what Tomlinson gained in the entire game against the Eagles. And judging by your penchant for giving up the big play last week (a 65-yard TD run by Ronnie Brown, and a 77-yard TD pass to Chris Chambers), Tomlinson could have gained 80 yards versus the Eagles and you still could give up more than that on one play.

"I think I'm going to cry," says Vermeil.

The Chiefs racked up 185 yards on the ground against the Dolphins, which is about equal to the combined ages of Vermeil and Chargers' coach Marty Schottenheimer. Against the Chargers, yards won't come nearly as easily.

"And you can best believe we won't have a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown on us," says Schottenheimer. "And L. T. will touch the ball 30 times."

Tomlinson rushes for 155 yards and two TDs, and the Chargers beat the Chiefs, 30-25, then keep an eye on the Eagles/Broncos game in Denver, hoping for a Philly win.

Miami @ New Orleans

Can either of these teams escape the wrath of hurricanes? The Saints have had their entire home schedule at the Super Dome wiped out by Hurricane Katrina, and the Dolphins' team complex sustained damage due to Hurricane Wilma.

"It just proves one thing," says Dolphins running back Ricky Williams. "Women hate football, and will do anything to ruin it for men. I didn't see any male hurricanes messing up games."

Ah, Ricky Williams. I guess this is why Miami drafted Ronnie Brown. In two games, Williams has rushed 11 times for seven yards.

"Just like me," says Williams, "that's not smoking."

The Saints continue to be snake-bitten with bad luck. Last week, on an Rams' "interception" that was returned for a touchdown, the Saints were unable to challenge it because they were out of time outs. The result: a loss, an irate Jim Haslett, and another demolished headset.

"I've had it!" says Haslett. "My guy was clearly down. Down by contact and with possession of the ball. Can't they see that? Can I red flag the selection of an official? Maybe next time, I'll stick my red flag in the end of a jar of gasoline, light it, and toss it on to the field. Will that get their attention?"

Well, Jim, they probably won't see it, but maybe they'll smell it.

"We're not out to get the Saints," says the game's back judge, who then flags New Orleans QB Aaron Brooks for a "traveling" violation. Haslett challenges the call, and after two minutes, it's overturned.

The Saints go on to win the game 24-13 behind two Brooks TD passes.

Philadelphia @ Denver

Did you Terrell Owens' latest touchdown celebration? After catching a TD pass against the Chargers last week, T.O. took out a towel, draped it over his arm, held the ball aloft as if it were a plate of food, and thereby became the first professional athlete to honor the table-waiting profession. Not bad, T.O. But next time, try to do something that Philly fans can more relate to. I doubt any Eagles' fans in attendance frequent restaurants in which the waiters drape towels over their arms.

"Yeah, where we eats, we're lucky if our waiter has two arms, much less one with a towel on it," says Vinny, one half of the noted Philly underworld mobsters/hit men/intimidators/businessmen Vinny and Joey. "You want a tip? Here's a tip? Get that towel off your arm or you'll be using it to wipe up your own blood."

In any case, the Eagles will be looking to go four for four against the AFC West. With wins already over Oakland, Kansas City, and San Diego, a victory over the Broncos would complete the set.

"And if we keep it close," says Broncos wide receiver Rod Smith, "it will be four straight unconvincing wins for the Eagles over AFC West opponents. But that's not going to happen. We're undefeated at home. So, here's your headline: 'T.O.'s Got B.O.; Broncos Will K.O. at Invesco.'"

Much has been made of the Eagles' inability to run the ball. Inability? Maybe it's just indifference. So, Coach Andy Reid, would you care to answer the question about why the Eagles won't run the ball?

"I'll pass," answers Reid.

Does that mean you'll 'pass' on answering, or you'll just 'pass' the ball?

"Both."

Just to be funny, the Eagles break out the wishbone offense for one play, but to be even funnier, they don't even run out of it. Then, the Eagles get downright hilarious and run a playaction pass. The Broncos are so stunned they forget to cover Owens streaking down the sideline. McNabb hits him in stride and the Eagles jump to a 7-0 lead. It's back and forth from there, and the Eagles hang on for a 27-23 win.

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco

Tampa Bay's Chris Simms gets his first start of the season, replacing Brian Griese, who was lost in Week 6 with a torn ACL. And what better team to start against than the lowly 49ers, who last week were blown out by Washington, 52-17?

"The last thing we need out of Chris is overconfidence," says Buccaneers' coach John Gruden. "After all, he couldn't even beat out a guy named Major Applewhite at the University of Texas. Major Applewhite? Come on. Is that his real name? Was he a character on Gomer Pyle? Anyway, Chris' dad, Phil, was able to separate himself long enough from his conjoined twin, Greg Gumbel, to slip a $20 in my pocket to make sure Chris gets the start."

Meanwhile, San Francisco rookie quarterback Alex Smith faces a more daunting task.

"What? The Tampa Bay defense?" asks Smith.

No. Trying to learn a new offense while running for your life. That's like learning Latin from scratch while being chased by a pack of pit bulls.

Smith almost quadrupled his passer rating, going from an 8.5 against the Colts to a 41.7 against the Redskins. So the team is making progress.

"Absolutely," says 49ers coach Mike Nolan. "We're making progress all right. Progress to another top two pick in the draft."

Mike Nolan plays it smart, and Smith sits this one out. Ken Dorsey is tossed into the fray, and gets his Halloween scare a day early. The Bucs force three turnovers and sack Dorsey six times. Cadillac Williams and Michael Pittman combine for 150 yards rushing.

Tampa Bay wins, 24-6.

Buffalo @ New England

Aren't bye weeks great?

"Yes, they are," says Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. "It's a nice week to heal injuries, rest, do a little extra scouting, author an intimidating letter to Tony Dungy and the Colts about our upcoming Week 9 matchup, and do some shopping at the thrift store for some ratty clothing."

Bye weeks are also good because in the Patriots' case, they took over first place in the AFC East without even playing.

"That's what New England football is all about," says Tom Brady. "We get into the heads of our opponents before we even play them. Just ask the Colts. And lookie here. Look who's got a Week 8 bye. The Colts. That will give them an extra week to think about how we will tarnish their undefeated record, although they are clearly the better team."

Buffalo's Willis McGahee proclaimed himself the NFL's best back before last Sunday's game at Oakland. What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?! And the best proof he could offer was 16 carries for 50 yards. Those numbers paled in comparison to those posted by the Raiders' Lamont Jordan: 28 carries, 122 yards, and 3 touchdowns. So, Willis, if this were the TV show Diff'rent Strokes, and running back performance was measured by height, you'd be Garry Coleman, and Jordan would be Todd Bridges. You're not the best. But the best back in the NFL named Willis.

Just as sure as Brady's maid, Alice, is having an affair with Sam the Butcher, the Patriots will take this one, especially returning from a bye week. Corey Dillon rushes for a score, and Brady throws for 260 yards and 2 TDs.

Patriots win, 30-17.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers may be a ½-game behind the Bengals, but, let's face it, they are the best team in the AFC North division. After whipping the Bengals in Cincinnati 27-13, the Steelers are 4-2 and looking like the AFC's best team.

"It was like taking candy from a baby," says Steeler running back Jerome Bettis, who, when hungry enough, has no problem taking candy from a baby, "and then slapping the baby's momma."

The Steelers completed a 2-1 run against a murderer's row of AFC powerhouses, with wins at San Diego and Cincinnati sandwiching Week 7's loss to the Jags.

"If that's a murderer's row," says Bill Cowher, "then our upcoming four games would have to be considered a shoplifter's row. Let's see, we've got the Ravens on Halloween, we're at Green Bay next week, then at home against the Browns, then we go to Baltimore. That should be four easy wins."

The win at Cincy was the Steelers' 10th straight road win, which should send a message to the rest of the AFC. That message is: "If you want to beat us in the AFC Championship game, make sure we're playing in Pittsburgh."

The Ravens' season to forget just got more forgettable. Safety Ed Reed and linebacker Ray Lewis will miss the game with injuries.

"There goes our only chance to score, right there," complains Ravens' coach Brian Billick, sneaking a peak behind him for a Ravens executive with a pink slip.

The once-formidable Jamal Lewis is only averaging 2.9 yards a carry. The Steelers very well may hold him under that. Baltimore's nightmare continues.

"We can't score," quoth the Ravens. "We can't score."

Steelers dominate, punish, and win, 30-3.