NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 7

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Detroit @ Cleveland

If you looked at a depth chart of who's scoring points for the Lions, you would see their offense listed as third string, behind their defense and kicker, Jason Hanson. That seems to be the case after the Lions' offense produced no touchdowns, at least for themselves, in a 21-20 loss to the Panthers. Detroit scored two touchdowns on interception returns, and Hanson added two field goals to account for their points.

"Not only could they not score points," says Lions' safety Boss Bailey, "but they couldn't even get ten yards to set us up for a game-winning field goal attempt."

"Look," says Detroit quarterback Joey Harrington, counting his season total of touchdown passes on one hand, "as an offense, we did our job on that last drive. It was obvious we weren't going to score. So we went four and out to get the defense on the field and enhance our chance of scoring. Sadly, they didn't have time."

The Browns had even more trouble generating offense, managing a paltry three points against division foe Baltimore. Quarterback Trent Dilfer was hammered by his former team, throwing for only 147 yards while being sacked four times.

"I guess those guys are still mad that I led them to the Super Bowl," says Dilfer. "You'd think I was an official the way they treated me."

Even though the Lions and Browns share identical 2-3 records, this game surprisingly pits a last-place team (the Browns, last in the AFC North) against a first-place team (the Lions, tied with the Bears in the NFC North). And the Browns are slightly favored. In other words, the NFC North gets no respect, nor should they. But the Lions should be able to run the ball, which will take the ball out of Harrington's hands, so to speak. And the Lions' defense is pretty good when their offense can stay on the field more than three downs.

Harrington throws a TD to tight end Marcus Pollard, and the Lions' defense forces three turnovers.

Detroit picks up a rare road win for the NFC North with a 17-7 win.

Green Bay @ Minnesota

During his bye week, budding songwriter Brett Favre penned a few alternate lyrics to the renowned Gilligan's Island theme.

"How does this sound?" asks Favre. "'Just sit right back and you'll see some tail, some tail on the Vikings' ship. That started from a Minnetonka dock...' That's where I'm stuck. Gosh, what I wouldn't give to have the rhyming skills of the Beastie Boys, and a license to ill. "

"Come on, guys," says Mike Tice. "We're called the Vikings. The original Vikings, of Scandinavian descent, were a rugged, hard-partying bunch, who liked their women and beer. What do you think went down on their boats? Let me tell you, they weren't playing shuffleboard or doing the waltz in the Colonnade Room. So, everyone lay off my players for just wanting to blow off some steam. That kind of thing goes on every boat chartered by an NFL player, when alcohol and gratuitous nudity are factored in to the equation. Except for maybe the Manning's. Now, can we talk about what's important: football."

Football? Is that what you call what your Vikings are doing out on the field? They look more like Strat-O-Matic figures running around at random on a vibrating, thin metal surface.

"That very well may be," says Tice. "But that's still football, isn't it?"

Green Bay picked up its first win in Week 5, dominating the Saints, 52-3. Even at 1-4, the Packers still are the pick of many to win the North.

"Is that a testament to my leadership and quarterbacking skills?" asks Brett Favre. "Or simply a testament to the sad state of the North?"

Probably a little of both. But look at it this way, Brett. You've got 11 games left. Win six of those, and you likely will win the division. Aim high, my friend.

Lost in the midst of their 1-4 start is the fact that Green Bay has the league's 10th-best defense. Last year, the Packers won two regular season shootouts with the Vikings, both by the score of 34-31. This one will also be a shootout. Unfortunately for the Vikes, they have no guns.

Green Bay cruises to a 30-21 win, leaving Minnesota at 1-5.

Indianapolis @ Houston

What happens when the league's only undefeated team plays the league's only winless team?

"Here's what happens," says Colts defensive end Dwight "Sack Diesel" Freeney. "We keep the '0' in the 'L' column, and the Texans keep the '0' in the 'W' column. And Texans' coach Dom Capers gets an 'F' in the 'E' column. That would be 'Fired' in the 'Employed' column."

"Dwight obviously has not been listening to me," says Colts coach Tony Dungy. "We absolutely cannot underestimate Houston. I know this is their first year as an expansion team, but they are clearly the finest 0-5 team in the league. We'll need to have our game faces on. They are at home, after all."

Actually, Tony, the Texans have been around for four years, although you wouldn't know it by the way they've been playing. Among many problems, the biggest is the offensive line's inability to protect quarterback David Carr. Carr has been sacked a league-leading 30 times, so it's not likely Carr will do like many quarterbacks and buy each of his offensive lineman an expensive gift as a token of his appreciation for their protection.

"Shoot," says Carr, "they should by me something, like health insurance, or a suit of armor, or the Chiefs' offensive line."

Well, there is some good news for the Texans.

"Yeah?!" says Carr, excitedly.

Just kidding. There is none. The Colts' offense finally exploded and dropped 45 on the Rams last Monday, including 31 first downs. However, the Colts defense did give up 28 points, which was more than they had surrendered in their previous five games combined. And they only recorded one sack, well off their average of four per game. So, Texans, maybe there is a little hope amid all the chaos.

"I've got some good news," chimes in Colts defensive end and NFL sack leader Robert Mathis, "and I promise this is not a Geico commercial. My fellow Colts defenders and I, out of respect for the beating David Carr has taken so far this year, have agreed that instead of tackling him for sacks, we will simply yank these flag football flags from his waistline."

This one could get ugly, quick. And it does. The Colts jump out to a 7-0, lead, then a 14-0 lead, then a 21-0 lead, then ... well, you get the picture. Manning throws three touchdowns, and Edgerrin James piles up 130 on the ground.

Indianapolis wins, 40-10.

Kansas City @ Miami

What do you know? Miami's Ricky Williams and Kansas City's Eric Warfield are back from their four-game drug suspensions, ready to contribute to their respective teams.

"But first," says Warfield, "just to show that we have no hard feelings towards the NFL and their stringent drug regulations, Ricky and I will share a puff, or two, perhaps three, four, or five, on this peace pipe."

Williams only had eight yards on five carries in the Dolphins' 27-13 loss to the Buccaneers, as the Dolphins as a team only managed 64 yards. In fact, wide receiver Chris Chambers led Miami with 25 yards on the ground.

"It was difficult establishing the run against a tough Tampa defense," says Williams. "But, in my first game back, I really didn't expect a lot of success in terms of yardage. I was just happy to be on the field and smelling the grass."

The Chiefs used the big play to overcome the resilient Redskins, as Priest Holmes scored on a 60-yard screen pass and safety Sammie Knight raced the end zone for an 80-yard fumble return. Knight also knocked away Mark Brunell's desperation heave to Santana Moss, preserving the Chiefs 28-21 victory that kept them 1½ games behind the Broncos in the AFC West.

"We haven't seen defense like this in Kansas City," says Knight, "since our kicker, Lawrence Tynes, and backup quarterback, Todd Collins, lawyered up for being drunk and stupid this offseason. Our defense has stepped up, and so have our defense lawyers, especially when defending these white boy, wannabe thugs."

Williams should see more carries, and the Dolphins offense will be tested to score enough to keep up with Priest Holmes and the Chiefs. Miami gave up 180 on the ground last week to the Bucs. The Chiefs will exploit that weakness. Holmes and Larry Johnson combine for 150 yards on the ground, and each scores a touchdown.

Kansas City wins, 27-24.

New Orleans @ St. Louis

Last week, the Saints hung tough with the Falcons until the very end, until a Todd Peterson 36-yard field goal in the final seconds won it for Atlanta, 34-31. The winning kick followed a miss from 41 yards, a play that was negated by a defensive holding call on the Saints.

"We should have been going to overtime!" yells an irate Saints' coach Jim Haslett. "Instead, I'm slamming my headset down and cursing the name and family of the ref who made that call. Defensive holding on a kick? That's bush league. It's like I said before, it's a chicken $&!# call. But let's not lay all the responsibility on chickens. It was also a bull $&!# call, and that makes me go ape $&!#. Not only are Mother Nature and the NFL out to get us, now the referees are, as well."

The loss left the Saints at 2-4, last place in the NFC South, and three full games out of first place. The Rams have the same record and are two games behind the Seahawks in the West. The Rams have no problem scoring points — they are third in the NFL in points per game.

"And we're quite generous giving up the points, as well," says wide receiver Torry Holt.

Yep. The Rams surrender 32 a game, or 13 less than the Colts burned them with last Monday. That's a league worst. And guess who the second-worst scoring defense happens to be? You guessed it. The Saints. So if you have a Ram or Colt on your fantasy team, start them. Unless it's their defenses.

Rams' starting quarterback Marc Bulger is out with a shoulder injury, so Jamie Martin will get the start. So maybe interim coach Joe Vitt will do the wise thing and give Steven Jackson the ball 25 times. Unless he looks down at his right wrist and sees a yellow bracelet imprinted with the letters "WWMD?" That stands for "What Would Martz Do?" Well, Joe, "DDWMWD." Don't do what Martz would do. Call your own game.

Jackson gets his carries, as does Marshall Faulk, and the Rams' backfield accounts for three touchdowns.

St. Louis wins, 31-27.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

How far does Bill Cowher trust Tommy Maddox with the game on the line?

"About as far as the spittle flies out of my mouth," says Cowher, "when I say the words, 'Suffering Steeler stupefying stupidity! Not another Maddox turnover!' Tommy Maddox was certainly the star of this game. And by that, I mean he will have the most screen time in film study this week when we show our quarterbacks what not to do. If I have to put Big Ben out there on crutches, I'll certainly do it."

Indeed, Maddox didn't play like a former XFL MVP. Wait a minute. Yes he did, because he's the only one. Anyway, going 11-for-28 for 154 yards, three interceptions, and a fumble won't win an MVP, but it will get Maddox some quality pine time.

The Bengals won a tough road game in Tennessee, overcoming a 20-17 deficit with two fourth-quarter touchdowns to win, 31-23. Cincinnati QB Carson Palmer posted another flawless game, with two touchdown passes and no interceptions. Palmer has now thrown 148 passes without an interception, and is second in the AFC in passer rating to Roethlisberger.

"I've single-handedly erased the memory of Akili Smith from the minds of Bengals fans," says Palmer. "Next up, David Klingler."

The Bengals have flourished this year with the play of Palmer and turnovers caused by the defense. The Steelers are a little banged up, notably stars Ben Roethlisberger and Hines Ward. Those factors, along with the homefield advantage, give the Bengals the edge. Cincy jumps on the Steelers early on a long TD pass from Palmer to Chad Johnson. The Bengals' defense makes the big plays, causing two Roethlisberger turnovers.

Cincinnati edges Pittsburgh, 22-19.

San Diego @ Philadelphia

Can LaDainian Tomlinson be stopped? After his one rushing TD, one passing TD, one receiving TD game against the Raiders, I thinks it's safe to say this: the Raiders suck. And, oh yeah, L.T. can't be stopped, and is clearly the best running back in the game.

"Absolutely, he is the best," gushes Charger coach Marty Schottenheimer. "But let's not shortchange his ability to throw the ball. He's more accurate than a lot of guys in this league. In fact, we've fielded quite a few offers in the last few days for L.T.'s quarterbacking services, most notably from the Lions, Ravens, and Jets."

The Eagles are anxious to return from their bye week and prove that their 30-10 loss to the Cowboys in Week 5 was an aberration, and not the norm.

"Everybody made such a big deal about us not being able to run the ball in that game," says Philly quarterback Donovan McNabb. "Have we tried to run the ball, ever? We've not been able to run the ball for about five years now. Not because we can't. We just choose not to. If you think we're going to run the ball just to spite those of you who said we can't, well, we're not. We'll be passing the ball."

Last week, San Diego had a brief respite from their brutal schedule with the game at Oakland. That was their only game against an opponent with a losing record so far this year. The Eagles are undefeated at home this year, and hope to reclaim their status at the top of the NFC heap. Will they try to run?

"Of course we plan to run," says Eagles' running back Brian Westbrook. "After the catch."

Westbrook catches a TD pass from McNabb, and also tosses one to Terrell Owens on a halfback option pass. San Diego has lost three heartbreakers this year, with those loses coming by a total of nine points. This one will be close, with the rested Eagles holding off a late Charger rally to win, 35-30.

San Francisco @ Washington

In the 49ers' last game against the Colts in Week 5, rookie quarterback Alex Smith passed his way to an 8.5 quarterback rating, the result of a 9-of-24, four-interception, five-sack day. I guess they won't call him "Alex the Great" anytime soon. I think "Alex the Eight" is a more appropriate moniker.

"That may be pathetic in quarterbacking terms," says 49er coach Mike Nolan, "but if you're talking about an earthquake measured on the Richter Scale, that's pretty strong. This is San Francisco, after all, and the Big One is coming. Alex is supposed to be the Big One for this franchise, but it will take time. I think it's best for him to dive in head first, against some of the toughest defenses in the NFL, and get his feet wet. I know he's a rookie, but so was Chewbacca in Star Wars. Did Chewbacca back down from anything, even though it was his first time facing intergalactic warfare? No. He handled it like a eight-year veteran. Alex has to persevere, or die trying."

Actually Mike, Chewbacca was a Wookie, not a rookie. But that's still a good analogy. By the way, I think Chewie would make a great quarterback. Put Han Solo coming out of the backfield and Lando Calrissian split wide, and you've got quite a team.

After a 3-0 start, the Redskins have dropped two straight, both to AFC West opponents on the road. Is it time to worry?

"What? Me worry?" says Washington coach Joe Gibbs, penning his signature to a $10,000 check payable to the NFL Fines Committee. "It's obvious that the AFC is the power conference this year. And it's obvious we can't beat AFC teams, especially those in the AFC West. But we can whip up on teams in the NFC West, especially at home. We already beat the Seahawks here. Now, we host the 49ers and their rookie quarterback. I smell blood."

San Fran just traded backup QB Tim Rattay to Tampa Bay, so, obviously, the 49ers are committed to letting Smith take his lumps and learn quarterbacking from the ground up. And the 'Skins are more than willing to help with that. Smith is sacked six times, and throws four interceptions. Clinton Portis rushes for 130 yards, and Washington rolls, 31-7.

Dallas @ Seattle

In this rematch of head coaches that squared off in Super Bowl XXXI, Dallas' Bill Parcells and Seattle's Mike Holgren are trying to reach that goal nine years later with different teams. So much has changed (Parcell's was coaching New England then, Holmgren was coaching Green Bay), while much has remained the same (Holmgren still has a slight weight advantage, while Parcells maintains a slim edge in reach).

"Don't forget Drew Bledsoe is my quarterback," says Parcells, "as he was in New England. Drew is very familiar with my system, which is simply this: do your job, or get chewed out. He's become a great leader and practitioner of that philosophy. Did you see him give Keyshawn Johnson the business after Key fumbled a few weeks ago? That was great. It saved me the trouble of cursing Keyshawn out, again, for about the 30th time in my career."

Seattle is rolling, leading the West and 3-0 at home. Shaun Alexander produced his yearly Sunday night explosion, rushing for 141 yards and four touchdowns against the Texans.

"Don't forget my man, Maurice Morris," says Shaun Alexander. "He rushed for 104 yards himself. When's the last time you had two running backs on the same team rush for over 100 yards? My guess is not since the tandem known as the 'Pony Express' did it at Southern Methodist University back in the 1980s. Eric Dickerson was one of the greatest running backs in the NFL, and Craig James was ... well, he's one well-dressed studio college football analyst."

Dallas will try to stop Alexander, but it's a near impossible task. Even when he's slowed, he still scores touchdown, and he's dangerous as a receiver. Without Julius Jones, the Dallas running games is nowhere near as dynamic. Expect the Seahawks to pound Alexander — Dallas will have to throw to keep up. In the end, Alexander makes the difference.

Seahawks win, 24-20.

Baltimore @ Chicago

What's it like facing the Minnesota defense one week, then finding the Ravens' defense staring across the line of scrimmage at you the next? Let Bear's quarterback Kyle Orton answer that.

"Well, the Vikings' defense has more holes in it that my granny's moth-infested bloomers," Orton explains. "The Minnesota defense is the cure for what ails any rookie quarterback."

The Ravens, after two straight losses, may have found the secret to limited success with their 16-3 win over the Browns.

"It's simple," says linebacker Ray Lewis. "Two weeks ago, we found out that if you have more penalties than points, you're likely to lose. Against the Lions, we had 21 penalties and only 17 points. Last week, 11 penalties and 16 points. I see a pattern. Also, we cut our ejections from two to zero."

The Ravens also got their rushing game in gear, totaling 150 yards on 33 carries. Ninety-two of those yards came from backup running back Chester Taylor, who has outplayed starter Jamal Lewis for most of this season.

"Jamal's been running like he's weighted down by a wiretap and a house arrest ankle bracelet," says Ravens' head coach Brian Billick. "He better step it up, or Chester will get the start. Jamal needs to run with desperation, like he's got the feds on his tail. Then, I think we'll see some improvement.

The Baltimore and Chicago defenses are ranked second and third, respectively, in total defense. So if defense and the kicking game is what turns you on, then you're one kinky son of a gun. If you like your football like that, then this is the game for you. Chicago wins a battle of turnovers and field position. Robbie Gould kicks three field goals, and the Bears win, 16-6.

Buffalo @ Oakland

Can things get any worse in Oakland? After a 27-14 loss to the Chargers, the Raiders are 1-4 and dead-last in the AFC West, averaging only 18 points a game. And Randy Moss injured his gimpy hamstring and bruised a few ribs in the loss.

"Never fear. Bill Romanowski's here," says the former Raider linebacker, pulling up in his covered wagon full of snake oils, liniment, notions, and 104 types of steroids. "Step right up. Get your potions here. Whatever ails you, I've got a cure. Hey you, Moss. Take two of these, and inject one in the morning."

"Man, why should I trust you, dawg?" asks Moss. "You ain't no doctor, and you're a crybaby. If Scott Pelley would have brought me to tears on 60 Minutes, I would have slapped him, or mooned him, or squirted him with water, or ran over him later in the CBS parking deck."

"I might not be a doctor," replies Romanowski, "but I play one in football. You current Raiders don't need steroids to get stronger; you need them to make you all raving lunatics, with a fanatic desire to cheap shot anyone in sight, and spit in the face of an opponent. As a Raider, you don't have to be good, just dirty."

"Did we all need to watch 60 Minutes to know than Romo did steroids?" asks Buffalo running back Willis McGahee. "Wasn't it obvious? Even quarterhorses came to him for the goods."

Buffalo brings the league's sixth-best rushing attack, and fourth leading rusher in McGahee, to Oakland to try and take sole possession of the AFC East lead. They have won two straight after Kelly Holcomb took over for J.P. Losman at quarterback. With Moss likely out, Oakland's downfield capabilities are severely limited. The Bills can be ran upon, but their defensive backfield is one of the league's best. Look for the Bills to control the ball with McGahee, and on defense, to limit big plays by the Raiders. McGahee breaks 100 yards again, and scores two TDs.

Buffalo wins, 27-23.

Denver @ N.Y. Giants

With their 28-20 win over the Patriots last week, the Broncos further established themselves as one of the AFC's elite teams, along with the undefeated Colts and 5-1 Bengals. They've won five straight, including wins over division rivals Kansas City and San Diego.

"That's very nice," replies Tom Coughlin. "But the Broncos have a weakness."

What would that weakness be? No John Elway?

"No, but Elway would know all about this weakness," says Coughlin. "Their weakness is NFC East teams. They've lost three Super Bowls to the Cowboys, Giants, and Redskins by a combined score of 108-40."

"There you guys go again," complains Denver coach Mike Shanahan. "Bringing up the past. Was I even the coach in any of those games? No. I'm undefeated in Super Bowls, pal. But that doesn't mean I don't want revenge for past defeats of the Bronco organization. But, more than anything, I want revenge on Peyton Manning, whose Colts have blasted us in consecutive years in the playoffs. Since I can't get my hands on Peyton, little brother Eli will have to do."

The Giants are tied for second, which is also last, in the ultra-competitive NFC East. They've been known to light up weak defenses, but the Broncos intend to stop the run, then bring the heat on Eli. Shanahan gets his quasi-revenge on Peyton. Eli throws for 250 yards, but turns the ball over three times. Tatum Bell rushes for 125 and a score.

Broncos win 32-23.

Tennessee @ Arizona

Titans' quarterback Steve McNair and Cardinals' quarterback Kurt Warner know all about injuries.

"We sure do," says McNair. "We just deal with them in different ways. While Kurt needs urgent care to treat a superficial scratch, I'm out there playing with breaks, bruises, and contusions that only Brett Favre could appreciate. Kurt pulls his hamstring and misses two weeks? Come on. I pull a hamstring every morning when I get out of bed. Anyway, it's obvious this Josh McCown kid is a better quarterback than Warner. Anybody can see that, except for Dennis Green, apparently."

If Green gives Warner the start over McCown, it will probably be the first time a quarterback has been benched for throwing for over 380 yards in consecutive games.

"How many coaches are going to make the mistake of giving Warner one more chance?" asks McCown. "I deserve to remain the starter until, one, I get hurt or, two, I play so badly that I get benched. Those just happen to be things for which Warner is famous. Give me the damn ball, Denny Green. Don't ruin this great rapport I have with receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin."

Green makes the right call, and McCown gets the start. But the Cards fall victim to the more balanced Titan attack. Chris Brown rushes for a score, and McNair throws two touchdowns.

Tennessee wins, 33-27.

N.Y. Jets @ Atlanta

What would happen if Vinny Testaverde and Michael Vick lined up on the 40-yard line of the Georgia Dome and raced to the goal line? Well, it would be a close finish, but after Vick stopped a few times to sign an endorsement deal, chat with the ladies, and treat his hamstring, he should still have time to edge Testaverde at the tape.

"Don't dis' my speed," says Testaverde. "I'm the one who scored a rushing touchdown last Sunday, not Vick."

You're right, Vinny. You did turn on the jets for that one-yard touchdown sprint. But it was too little, too late. The Jets lost to Buffalo, 27-14, and fell to 2-4 on the year. The Jets can't score, averaging only 13 points a game. And with the loss of center Kevin Mawae, out for the year with a torn tricep, the running game will suffer. And that will make yards tougher to come by for Curtis Martin, the Energizer Bunny of running backs.

Vick and the Falcons will take the Monday night stage for the second time this year. In Week 1, they defeated the Eagles 14-10 on Monday Night Football.

"It's great to be playing on Monday night and not watching it on television," says Vick. "If I'm out there playing, I don't have to sit through an agonizingly boring halftime show of '60 Seconds With Jimmy Kimmel' and another version of Tim McGraw's 'I Like it, I Love it.' I don't like it, and I don't love it. But that Faith Hill is hot."

The Jets defense is no match for the Atlanta rushing attack. Warrick Dunn rushes for 100 yards, and Vick throws two TD passes. Vinny and the Jets can't keep up.

Falcons win, 34-17.