Smack! — Like that thing Lawrence Phillips does to women who decline to dance.
Slam! — Like that thing Rafael Palmeiro does to performance-enhancing drugs.
Spakalakawakaboom! — Like that thing Albert Pujols does to hanging sliders as fat as Lance Berkman.
Leading the Cardinals three games to one in the National League championship series, it was Lance Berkman, in fact, who gave the Houston Astros their 4-2 lead in the seventh inning of Game 5 with his three-run home run to left field off one of the best pitchers in the game in Cardinal ace Chris Carpenter.
Fast-forward now to the ninth inning (or a few Berkman chili dogs later) in a little screenplay I like to call "WALK THE GUY!"
Enter stage left: Astro closer Brad Lidge
Enter stage right: Cardinal slugger Albert Pujols
Lidge: "I hang you."
Pujols: "I crush you."
Enter stage left: Astro fatty Lance Berkman
Berkman: "Hey Brad, now that the game is over and all, you want to go out and grab a bite? There's this burrito place down the street I hear is just delicious."
THE END
With runners on first and second, two outs, and the best player in the game in Pujols at the dish, why doesn't Astro manager Phil Garner bite the bullet and walk him? Granted, you walk Pujols and you put the tying run at second base, but, then again, you pitch to Pujols and you give a hitter with a lifetime slugging percentage (.621) higher than that of Barry Bonds (.611) three chances to beat you with one swing of the bat.
With Reggie Sanders (75 strikeouts in 295 at bats in the regular season) up next, you walk Pujols and make the bruised veteran beat you. Sanders, like a Geoff Jenkins or a Jeromy Burnitz, is a dead-red fastball hitter. With stud closer Brad Lidge (sliders ahoy!) on the hill, the choice is to pitch to Sanders.
Of course, Lidge hung the 0-1 pitch to Pujols. It was a pitch Reggie Sanders could — and probably would — have blasted 400-plus feet, as well. But if there's one guy who will not miss a pitch like that, it's definitely Pujols. Why give him the opportunity to see such a pitch in the first place?
Like a Barry Bonds, Albert Pujols is such a dominant hitter, serious consideration has to be given to walking him every time he comes to the plate. With big-time protection in Scott Rolen lost for the season and Larry Walker, Jim Edmonds, and Reggie Sanders all over-the-hill and underachieving at the plate, Pujols is the only real hitter in the Cardinal lineup who should strike serious fear into the Astros pitching staff. The Astros need to pitch away from Pujols and make someone else beat them.
Staying away from Pujols, the Astros win the NLCS in six.
My pick is the Astros to win World Series, as well in six, with Clemens on the hill for the clincher.
In such a case, here's a final note to the Astros: hide the beer and champagne from Mr. Berkman — the guy is a bottomless pit.
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