If you have a teenager at home, it is hard not to recognize the similarities between a diatribe ragging, hormonal, hate-spewing, spastic child and an NFL team. You never know with either one of them what you're going to get and just when you think you found something to pacify and motivate, you know it is, at best, fleeting. With that said, here is my guess at what exactly is happening with five AFC teams.
If the Kansas City Chiefs were a repeat drug offender spending more time in prison than not, society would sentence them to life for not being able to cope. It is that bad, folks. After signing big-name defensive free agents Patrick Surtain and Sammy Night amongst others, the Chiefs still can't tackle the old lady who fell and couldn't get up. People, they blew a 24-6 lead at home against the Eagles. I don't care if they were playing a team of super bionic apes, that is inexcusable.
The New England Patriots aren't going to do it this year. I've seen this before. They're champs, they play hard, and they have no die in them. The only problem in winning three Super Bowls in four years is the punishment every team in the league is putting on you.
Ask the '96 Dallas Cowboys. The same team that went 12-4 and won at the time an unprecedented third Super Bowl in four years couldn't win another one. That year, they finished 10-6 and lost in the divisional playoffs to the Carolina Panthers. The Patriots have taken a beating worse than George Bush's credibility. The team has lost big-time leaders Rodney Harrison and Teddy Bruschi and has suffered a plethora of other injuries. It's back to wait until next year, Boston.
Surely, any diehard believer of creationism must be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. No matter how much evidence proving that they can't win is thrown at them, they just keep on believing. Last year, it was rookie quarterback Ben Roethlisberger who led the team to a 15-1 record. Don't tell the Steelers that man evolved from ape because they will be the first to tell you anything is possible.
This year, despite losing top running backs Jerome Bettis and Deuce Staley for the start of the season, Pittsburgh has continued right were they left off with an unstoppable running attack thanks to Willie Parker. But before you discredit carbon dating, remember that the Steelers still have Cincinnati coming up twice and the Colts on the road to play.
So far, the Colts are proving that they finally got the answer right — defense wins championships. Indianapolis is giving up a smelt 5.8 points per game, but the Colts haven't done anything yet. Yeah, Peyton Manning probably will be fine. Let's not forget he is completing 66% of his passes. But if the Patriots are the champs until they fall, then the Colts are the chumps until they beat New England.
Finally, Brian Billick, control your team. What are you, some dope-head father who is afraid to talk to his kid about pot? You're the coach and if your team manages to get 21 penalties and multiple ejections in one game, then you need to hide the needles. I don't think your team will stop playing for you if you tell them that actions becoming of an L.A. riot are not appropriate NFL decorum. There, that wasn't so hard.
October 17, 2005
Joe Mamma:
What a bunch of useless dribble. That article just made anyone who read it little dumber.