NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 6

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Atlanta @ New Orleans

Last week, the Falcons experienced what many teams have experienced over the last four years: New England's Adam Vinatieri does not miss the clutch kick.

"I guess now you're going to tell me he has ice water in his veins," moans Falcons' coach Jim Mora. "What is he? An X-Man? A Superfriend?"

I don't know if he's a member of a crime-fighting league, but I do know his super power is the ability to kick a game-winning field goal whenever needed. And like all super heroes, he feels the need to wear tight pants when he does.

The Saints raced out to a 3-0 lead last week against the Packers, then watched helplessly as Brett Favre and the Packers scored the next 52 points.

"I guess the sympathy for the Saints is over," says Saints' coach Jim Haslett. "They had us beat at 7-3, but they had to go and tack on 45 more points. That's 45 unnecessary points. We will certainly remember kicker Ryan Longwell running up the score on us with seven extra points. Longwell, you're a marked man."

New Orleans got the double whammy when running back Deuce McAllister was lost for the season due to a torn ACL. Running backs Aaron Stecker and Antowain Smith will look to pick up the slack, but more of the burden falls on the shoulders of Saints' quarterback Aaron Brooks. And that's not good, since Brooks in the third-lowest rated QB in the NFC, with only 2 TDs and 7 INTs.

"So what?" says Brooks. "We're 1-0 in the Alamodome, site of this week's game."

Yeah, but the Saints aren't the Spurs, and the Falcons aren't the Bills, whom you beat in the A'dome. And you're not Michael Vick, although you are his cousin. Heck, you're not even Matt Schaub, Vick's backup.

The Falcons came back from their Week 2 loss against Seattle with a convincing win over Minnesota. Expect the same in response to their close loss to New England. This is Atlanta's first division game, so a win versus the easiest division opponent is imperative.

Warrick Dunn rushes for 110 yards, and T.J. Duckett adds about 50 and a touchdown against a weak Saints run defense.

Atlanta wins, 27-20.

Carolina @ Detroit

In this rematch of the 2002 Stanley Cup finals, the Eastern Conference champion Hurricanes face the Red Wings, champions of ... oh, sorry. I guess I got a little nostalgic for hockey. Thank goodness someone cross-checked me into the boards and knocked me back to my senses, and back to football.

When you win a game 35-17, shouldn't you expect something like this from your quarterback: 20-of-28, 283 yards, and 3 touchdowns?

"If you're any other coach in the league, you do," says Detroit's Steve Mariucci. "Not if you're me. If you're me, and you're not, you expect something called the 'Harrington Line.' Much like the 'Mendoza Line' in Major League Baseball,' the 'Harrington Line' serves as the boundary between mediocrity and just plain sucking. Joey was well below that line with his 10-of-23, 97 yards, and 2 INT performance."

"Hey, don't forget," adds Harrington, "I threw one touchdown pass."

Despite Harrington's performance, the Lions beat the Ravens 35-17, and thus took a commanding lead in the NFC North. Well, not as commanding as Harrington's ability at tickling the ivories of a baby grand, but a lead nevertheless.

The Panthers overcame a 20-10 deficit to the Cardinals with two fourth quarter touchdowns to win 24-20. A Jake Delhomme four-yard pass to Steve Smith was preceded by a Stephen Davis one-yard score.

"Our offense is predicated on Davis one-yard scores," says Carolina coach John Fox. "If I look in the box score on Monday and see the word 'S. Davis 1 run,' I know our offense is clicking. I also know Stephen's yards per rush average is tumbling."

The Lions are undefeated at home, 2-0, where Harrington has been erratic, at best. And with one of his starting wide receivers out and the other questionable (Charles Rogers to a drug suspension, and Roy Williams to an injured quadriceps), Harrington's targets are limited. And he'll also have Panthers defensive end Julius Peppers to deal with.

"And like many of Harrington's passes," explains Peppers, "you never know where I'll be."

Peppers sacks Harrington twice and wreaks general havoc, and the frustrated Lions QB files a harassment suit during the game. Delhomme throws two touchdown passes, and Davis stumbles across the goal line for a score.

Panthers win, 26-17.

Cincinnati @ Tennessee

Bengals receiver Chad Johnson promised that if he scored a touchdown against the Jaguars last Sunday night, he would present the football world with a celebration that would top Terrell Owen's Sharpie signing or Joe Horn's cell phone call. Johnson did score, and upon doing so, placed the football on the turf and proceeded to perform CPR on it. GONG! Sorry, Chad, that just doesn't cut it. Maybe if you had done that three years ago, it would have been cool. Now, it just seems a little forced. Now, the "Riverdance" celebration was cool. Here's an idea: go retro, and spike the ball! Does anyone do that anymore?

"Yeah, I know what a spike is," says Johnson. "It's a cable station."

Anyway, despite Johnson's TD and first aid performed on the football, the Bengals dropped their first game of the year, 23-20. They'll look to rebound against the Titans and quarterback Steve McNair, who is a vastly different QB than the Bengals' Carson Palmer.

"I always admired McNair's toughness," says Palmer. "He's not afraid of contact. I remember, as a teen, watching some of his games at Acorn State. He did it all. He passed, he ran, and he had some pretty slick moves as the marching band's tuba player. I always wanted to be like him, until I realized I don't like to take hits."

"Those are some kind words, Carson," replies McNair. "But it's Alcorn State, not Acorn State. That's like me saying you played at USC, the University of Southern Connecticut. You haven't truly arrived as a quarterback until you've played in a Super Bowl, won an MVP, dealt with an array of debilitating injuries, and beat a DWI conviction in a court of law. All those things I've done. By the way, the Irish in me says that Notre Dame will upset your USC Trojans this Saturday."

I guess Steve lathered up with Irish Spring this morning.

Palmer gets the best of McNair this time, with three touchdown passes to McNair's two. One of Palmer's TD passes goes to Chad Johnson, who stays with the medical theme and uses the ball in a simulated childbirth celebratory routine.

Bengals win, 27-20, and await the Steelers at home in Week 7 for the biggest game in Cincy in quite some time.

Cleveland @ Baltimore

Let me get this straight. The Ravens used to be the Browns, but moved from Cleveland to Baltimore? And then, Cleveland was awarded a new franchise, and the Browns were reborn? So this is the "new" Browns versus the "old" Browns?

Last week against the Lions, the Ravens were penalized 21 times for 147 yards, including ejections of linebacker Terrell Suggs and safety B. J. Ward for arguing penalties. Have the Ravens lost all semblance of discipline, or are officials out to get them?

"I have seen that much yellow since I was off to see the Wizard," say Billick. "But to answer your question, no, we are still a disciplined team. I take responsibility for my team's transgressions, especially the ejections. I guess I didn't set a very good example during practice a couple of weeks ago when I slapped a ball boy and clothes-lined a waterboy. But they deserved it. We didn't deserve 21 penalties. Maybe 17 of them were legitimate, but the others are cases of officials letting their dislike of me interfere with their jobs. This Sunday, I better see a lot fewer flags, or I'll be the one ejected."

This game will be a homecoming for Browns' quarterback Trent Dilfer, who led the Ravens to the Super Bowl XXXV crown, then was released by the Ravens, who are still searching for a quarterback.

"They just tossed me away like yesterday's news," complains Dilfer. "I tell myself every day that defense didn't win that world title. It was me. I think that feeling is slowly getting through the thick skulls of Billick and the front office."

Dilfer has been more than solid at the helm, and is ranked seventh in AFC passer rating, with 6 TDs and 4 INTs. But this Baltimore defense is mad and has a reputation to uphold, which they haven't so far this year. The Browns are without wide receiver Braylon Edwards and backup running back Lee Suggs.

The Ravens spoil Dilfer's homecoming with a 13-10 win, unless the Ravens are penalized 21 times and have two players ejected. Then I'll go with the Browns.

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh

Last week, the Jaguars handed the Bengals their first loss of the season, and avoided going 0-2 at home. With the win, Jacksonville improved to 3-2, good for second place in the AFC South behind the 5-0 Colts.

"If you would have asked me two months ago where'd I'd like to be after five games," explains Jag front man Jack Del Rio, polishing a large button on his lapel that reads 'Jack Del Rio is One Cool Cat,' "I would have said the Bahamas, Hawaii, or maybe Monte Carlo. But since I'm stuck coaching, I guess 3-2 would have been my answer. We're in good position. Take away those two losses, and we're 5-0."

Take away those three wins, and you're 0-5.

The Jags probably won't challenge the Colts for the South title, but they are in solid contention for a playoff spot. As are the Steelers, who edged the Chargers on the road last Monday to go to 3-1, ½ game from the 4-1 Bengals. Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger left the game late with a bruised knee, and is questionable for Sunday's game. However, Jerome Bettis is back and healthy for the Steelers.

"Halleleujah!" exclaims Bill Cowher. "The Bus is back, and the Bus has got back. Have you seen the size of that guy?"

The Steelers and Jags share a philosophy of tough, inside running and brutal defense.

"Here's the difference between Cowher and myself," says Del Rio. "I can say 'philosophy' without spraying. Cowher can't."

Sunday's outcome could be similar to last year's result in Jacksonville, won by the Steelers 17-16 on a late field goal. This time, a healthy set of running backs, including Bettis, Duce Staley, and Willie Parker, give the Steelers the edge.

Pittsburgh wins, 22-19.

Miami @ Tampa Bay

Miami running back Ricky Williams makes his return to an NFL field after an absence of over two years. Incidentally, that's about the last time Williams had a clean urine sample. But, in any case, Williams is back, and coach Nick Saban is looking forward to the combination of Williams and rookie Ronnie Brown in the Dolphins' backfield.

"When we use them in tandem," says Saban, "they'll present some difficult matchup problems for defenses. They're both good receivers, and are too fast for most linebackers to cover. So, I'm anxious to put those two together on the field. Now, if they start hanging out together off the field, we've got problems."

Tampa's John Gruden and his No. 1-ranked defense are ready for the challenge.

"Let's face it," says Gruden. "There's only one way to stop Ricky Williams. And that's with nickel and dime packages. If you place them in various locations throughout the field, he will easily be distracted and lose concentration, and possibly get the munchies. That's our plan of attack for Sunday."

Brown shared backfield duties last year with the Bucs' Cadillac Williams, while both were at the University of Auburn. Williams may not play, but if he does, Tampa's offense becomes much more potent. The same is true for Miami. Establishing the running game makes life easier for quarterbacks Gus Frerotte and Brian Griese.

Last week, Buffalo's defense confused and dominated Frerotte. The Tampa defense is even better, and they will lead the Bucs to victory.

Tampa wins, 19-17.

Minnesota @ Chicago

The bye week has its advantages. The Vikings were able to enjoy a much-needed week off to recuperate and regroup after their 1-3 start. And Daunte Culpepper didn't throw a single interception during his bye week, and least none that will be added to his official and league-leading total of 10. Culpepper also used the extra week to ponder the offseason deal that sent Randy Moss to the Raiders.

"If by 'ponder' you mean 'shed tears,'" says Culpepper, "then you're right. I did ponder the trade. And I've decided that the Vikings should have kept Randy [Moss] at all costs. What's worse? Being 1-3, without Randy, and having one of the worst defenses in the league? Or having Randy, being 3-1, having one of the worst defenses in the league, and having a few minor inconveniences like Randy mooning fans, Randy leaving the field early, and Randy taking half the plays off? I think the answer in clear. Now, excuse me. I've got to talk to my agent about a trade to Oakland."

The Bears are right in the thick of the NFC North, albeit with a 1-3 record, only a game back of the 2-2 Lions. The Bears have one of the league's top rushing offenses, but one of the worst passing offenses. In fact, they barely average more passing yards than rushing yards.

"Our motto is: 'If the ball is in someone's hands, it's much safer than if it were floating aimlessly through space,'" says papa Bear Lovie Smith. "Like when Kyle Orton throws it. That's why we like to stick to the run and rely on defense."

Last week in Cleveland, fumbles were the Bears' undoing. After stifling the Browns for the entire game, the defense gave up two TD passes, as the Bears watched a 10-6 lead slip to a 20-10 loss. Against the Vikings, preventing the big play will again be paramount to the Bears' cause. The Vikings won't be able to run, so Culpepper will be passing a lot. The Bears have won their last four at home against the Vikings, and that was with Moss. This time, without Moss, the Vikes will struggle, and Bears' rookie Cedric Benson has his official coming out party against a weak Minnesota rushing defense. Besides, not a single NFC North team has won a road game.

Chicago wins a close one, 23-18. And for their efforts, the Bears win a free cruise on a Fred Smoot-chartered boat on Lake Minnetonka. Life jackets optional. Nudity required.

N.Y. Giants @ Dallas

Bill Parcells welcomes the team he led to two Super Bowls to Texas Stadium, the site of the Cowboys' 33-10 drubbing of the Eagles last week. And also the site of a heated exchange between Dallas quarterback Drew Bledsoe and wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson. Apparently, Bledsoe politely reprimanded Johnson for a fumble that the Eagles recovered and returned for a touchdown.

"All I said to Keyshawn was 'Hold on to the damn ball!'" says Bledsoe. "I didn't even yell. It must have been the way I worded it."

Here's the deal, Drew. Keyshawn is a punk. He'll get on your case all day when you make a mistake, but when someone calls him out for an error, he flips. Next time, tell him you're the NFC's top-rated passer, and if he's got a problem, tell him to take a walk on the Texas Stadium roof until he reaches the hole, and then tell him to keep walking.

The Giants boast the NFL's highest scoring offense, but that ranking was established in wins against three of the league's worst defenses (Arizona, New Orleans, and St. Louis). The Cowboys will issue a sterner test, as will the Giants' next two opponents, the Broncos and Redskins.

"Sure, we're the highest-scoring team," says New York curmudgeon Tom Coughlin. "But we're giving up about 25 a game. That's way too much too make me happy. If we gave up no points a game, I wouldn't be happy. I'm a sourpuss."

The Cowboys produce another stellar defensive effort, and slow down the Giants' attack. Bledsoe throws 3 TDs, and the Cowboys gain a second consecutive home division win.

Dallas wins, 30-21.

Washington @ Kansas City

It's the 2005 Red Man Chewing Tobacco Politically Incorrect Bowl, featuring the Redskins and the Chiefs, with the winner receiving a tract of land out west and a $20 credit to the new casino soon to be built there.

Actually, the winner just gets a "W" in the win column, which will keep the winner high on the totem pole in their respective division race.

"If the NCAA gets win of this game," says Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil, "we're finished. They might outlaw our nicknames, even though they honor Native Americans. You know it's funny. Most of the people complaining about Native American mascots aren't even Native Americans. Can't people mind their own business?"

While the Chiefs are coming off a Week 4 loss at home to the Eagles, the Redskins suffered their first defeat last week, losing 21-19 in Denver.

"I think we got more respect for that loss than we did for any of our three wins," says 'Skins quarterback Mark Brunell. "When are you people going to stop doubting Joe Gibbs? The man's got three Super Bowl rings, two turntables, and a microphone. Oh, sorry. He's only got three rings. That's all I hear in the locker room is rap music. It's getting to me. Anyway, Joe's a genius."

Once again, defense, or lack of a defense, heads the list of Chiefs' concerns. K.C. is 27th in the league in total defense.

"I've noticed our fans don't bother with the 'defense' chants," notes Chiefs' coach Dick Vermeil. "I hear the 'hold 'em to a field goal' chant quite often now."

The Chiefs enjoyed a bye week, and should be rested and healthy for the 'Skins. Look for the Chiefs to force the run, and finally get Tony Gonzalez involved in the offense. Washington's defense keeps them in it, but Kansas City pulls through with a 26-21 win.

New England @ Denver

Did I see Bill Belichick actually show a little emotion and celebrate last week after Adam Vinatieri's field goal with six seconds left beat the Falcons 31-28? He looked happier to win that game than he did any of his Super Bowl wins.

"That's just Bill," says Tom Brady. "You may have heard, but Coach showed us the Marvin Hagler/Thomas Hearns fight from 1985. I think he was still a little fired up from that. In case you didn't notice, Coach wore a mouthpiece and taped his fists for the Atlanta game."

Denver is 4-1 and clearly the class of the AFC West, if not the whole AFC. But it's only Week 6. There's plenty of time for Jake Plummer to screw all that up.

"Look," says a perturbed Mike Shanahan, turning an unhealthy shade of red, "I'm sick and tired of this Jake Plummer bashing. And I'm tired of people saying I can't win a Super Bowl without John Elway. I don't hear anyone saying Bill Belichick can't win a Super Bowl without Tom Brady. Because he hasn't. I'm sick of these double standards."

If Denver wins this game, they can rightly claim superiority in the AFC, at least until the playoffs. If New England wins, then it's safe to say the problems they encountered while losing to the Chargers have been solved.

"Problems solved," says Belichick. "I will never lose to a Mike Shanahan-coached, Jake Plummer-quarterbacked team."

The Patriots win through the air, as Brady throws two touchdown passes.

New England wins, 24-20.

N.Y. Jets @ Buffalo

With wins last week and a Miami loss, the Jets and Bills tightened the race in the AFC East with home wins led by new starters at quarterback. Vinny Testaverde is back in the cockpit for the Jets, and showed very few signs of rust while leading New York to a 14-12 win over the Bucs. Kelly Holcomb finally got the starting nod over J.P. Losman, and responded with an efficient 20-26 day, with a touchdown.

"Wow! Vinny is a lifesaver!" says Jets coach Herman Edwards. "I gave him Tuesday off. That way, he can rest his aging body, and give him a chance to pick up his Social Security check."

Buffalo won their second home game, with a key player on the bench.

"Yeah," says Buffalo coach Mike Mularkey, "that key player would be Losman. For us to win, it's 'key' that he be on the bench. And with the win, we feel that we should be declared world champs until we lose. Let me explain. The Patriots started the season as champions. They lost to the Panthers in Week 2, so the Panthers became champs. The Dolphins beat the Panthers in Week 3, thereby becoming the titleholders. And we just beat the Dolphins, so the title becomes ours. If you listen closely, you can hear boxing promoter Don King cackling like a hyena, and probably scamming some boxer out of millions in the process."

If the Jets/Bills contest were a boxing match, it would likely be twelve rounds of two boxers circling the ring, waiting for the other to make a mistake. And you may not see any punches thrown, unless someone tries to slug an umpire. But defense will rule, and Buffalo's Willis McGahee should see the ball at least 30 times. The Jets can run also, but Curtis Martin is battling a knee injury and backup Derrick Blaylock is out with an ankle injury.

Buffalo grinds to a 19-14 win.

San Diego @ Oakland

Did you hear that two of Randy Moss' childhood friends are trying to sell the ball with which he made his first touchdown catch? Moss' agent questions the ball's authenticity. Myself, I question the ball's existence. Check out Moss' homeboys' credentials: they both live with their mother in a trailer. One delivers pizza for a living; the other is unemployed. Would you anything from these guys? Heck, I wouldn't even by a pizza from them.

"Hey, I know these guys," says Moss. "If there's one thing they know, it's sales, if you catch my drift. I tried to tell those guys that eBay's not the place to sell a bogus football. If you live in a trailer with your mother, then your target audience is people who watch the Jerry Springer Show."

San Diego lost another heartbreaker last Monday, losing 24-22 on Jeff Reed's field goal as time expired. It was the Chargers second division loss, and another would be devastating to their playoff hopes.

"It really hurts lose a game like that," says San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer, "especially when we're wearing our powder blue uniforms. It's a very soothing color — it makes you think of a little baby boy. Maybe it's not so intimidating to our opponents."

But the black and silver is intimidating, not necessarily when worn by the Raiders, but when it's on those crazy people called Raiders fans. And the Chargers have never seen the Raiders with Randy Moss. And Moss makes a difference, just ask Daunte Culpepper. Moss has two touchdowns, and Oakland wins, 27-24.

Houston @ Seattle

When attacking a defensive front, offenses usually exploit the 'A' gap or the 'B' gap. Well, what about defenses attacking an offensive line? What gaps to they go after?

"Well," says Houston coach Dom Capers, "when you're attacking my offensive line, you have a full alphabets' worth of gaps to choose from. From 'A' to 'Z,' choose your gap. Chances are, there will be a pretty big hole there. Go through that hole, and you should find my quarterback, David Carr, cringing, preparing to take another sack."

It's true, the Texans' offensive line offers Carr about as much protection as an umbrella during a volcanic eruption. Carr has been sacked 27 times so far, on pace to shatter his own NFL record of 76 times sacked in a season.

"Hey, guess what my favorite classic comic book is?" asks Carr. "Sad Sack. Most guys in the NFL can't say they have any kind of record. I can. I'm in the book. Okay, who wants my autograph?"

Seattle finally overcame their fear of beating the Rams, and stuck it to the Rams in St. Louis with a 37-31 win, putting them a game up in the NFC West with a 3-2 record.

"It just goes to show that whether he's on the field or in the booth," says Seattle's Mike Holgren, "Mike Martz can be out-coached."

Obviously, it was a big win for Seattle. They can stretch their one game lead in the West with a win at home against the league's only winless team, while the Rams must travel to Indianapolis to face the league's only undefeated team.

And that's what happens. Seattle sacks Carr six times, and Shaun Alexander scores twice.

Seahawks roll, 33-17.

St. Louis @ Indianapolis

What's the over/under on this game? About 52? Sounds reasonable. Well, I'll take the Colts, by themselves, and the over.

Then again, the Colts haven't scored more than 31 points in a game this year. They haven't needed to. The Indy defense is surrendering an average of less than six points per game. That's 29 points given up for the year. Meanwhile, the Rams' defense gives up an average of 29 points a game. So maybe the Colts won't cover the over by themselves, but they should score plenty.

Will the Rams, averaging 32 points a game, be able to keep up with the Colts' offense?

"I can tell you one thing," says Rams' quarterback Marc "55 Passes and a Cloud of Dust" Bulger. "We're not intimidated by the Colts' defense. How can you fear a team with just horseshoes on its helmets?"

Does Bulger realize he'll soon be playing the NFL's team leader in sacks, with two of the top three individual sack artists? If he doesn't, he soon will, because the speed rushes of defensive ends Dwight Freeney (5 sacks) and Robert Mathis (6 sacks) are dangerous anywhere, but lethal on the artificial turf of the RCA Dome. Last week in San Francisco, the Colts sacked 49er rookie QB Alex Smith five times, and intercepted him four times.

"Hey, let's not get down on that Smith kid," councils Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning. "He's got a bright future ahead of him. I can see him being a great mutual fund salesman, or loan officer, or assistant offensive coordinator."

Indy jumps out to a quick 14-0 lead, and the Rams, as usual, abandon the running game. Bulger, with assistant coach Joe Vitt calling the shots in Mike Martz's absence due to a heart condition, attempts 65 passes to keep pace. Bulger is an easy target for the Colts' rush when they know he's passing, and Bulger is dropped seven times.

Colts finally explode and win, 41-20.