NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 5

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Baltimore @ Detroit

Isn't the West Coast Offense supposed to be wide open and high scoring? Then why are the Lions averaging only 12 points a game?

"I'll answer that," says Steve Mariucci. "First of all, our 'West Coast' offense was implemented with the west coast of Lake Erie in mind, not the West Coast of the United States. Ours is just not as explosive. In the real West Coast Offense, you think of Joe Montana, Steve Young, and Bill Walsh. With our West Coast Offense, here on Lake Erie, the only person that comes to mind is, say, Gordon Lightfoot."

Too bad your quarterback is not named "Edmund Fitzgerald," because I had a great joke in mind.

"Hey," says Mariucci, "I wish my quarterback was named Edmund Fitzgerald, and not Joey Harrington."

Look Mariucci, don't knock Harrington. He's led your team to a tie for first-place tie in the North. Sure, it's with a 1-2 record, and a passer rating of 57. But look on the bright side: at least your QB situation is better than that of the Ravens, and at least your nose isn't the size of Brian Billick's. At least with Harrington, you know what you're getting: about 150 yards passing and zero to one touchdowns a game.

"Billick does have a large proboscis," quips a distracted Mariucci.

Like the Lions, the Ravens are 1-2, 2 1/2 games down to the undefeated Bengals. With the inability to pass downfield consistently, opposing defenses have stacked the line to stop Jamal Lewis. And that leaves the Ravens no other options except to lose, although they were able to defeat the Jets last week. And this week's game may be just as low scoring as the Jets/Ravens game. Both the Raven and Lion defenses will quickly shut down the opposition's run game, and force the pass, which neither team does well. Don't expect much offense. Expect a game of field position, with the punters and kickers making the difference.

Detroit wins, 12-9.

Chicago @ Cleveland

In Week 3, Chicago's Lovie Smith faced Cincinnati's Marvin Lewis in a contest of teams coached by former defensive coordinators of Super Bowl champions. Smith lost that one, but now he gets his chance to redeem himself against the Browns and coach Romeo Crennel, who called the shots on defense for the world champion Patriots.

"Let's not kid ourselves," says Crennel. "Nobody will be watching this game because of that. Sure, Lovie and myself have a Super Bowl ring, or rings in my case, and three of them to be more specific. But this game is all about our names: Lovie versus Romeo. You might see more than a handshake at the end of the game, but I can guarantee some hard-hitting action on the field. Don't let the names fool you. This is no romance novel."

The Bears are 1-2, tied with the Lions for the NFC North lead, while the Browns are 1-2, tied for last in the AFC North. Chicago averages 17 points a game, and Cleveland checks in with 15 a game, so if you haven't figured out that this will be a defensive struggle, then you're IQ is probably lower than either team's scoring average. The Browns' Trent Dilfer is a Super Bowl-winning quarterback, so I have to give Cleveland a big edge over the Bears, who are quarterbacked by Kyle Orton, fresh out of the Big 10. If the Browns can hold Peyton Manning and the Colts to 13 points, the Orton and the Bears should manage zero or less.

Romeo gets the best of Lovie, and Cleveland reaches .500 with an 18-13 win.

Miami @ Buffalo

"Now, does everyone understand why we got rid of Travis Henry?" asks Bills' coach Mike Mularkey. "The guy had a drug problem, and we knew it. Look, he had a poster of Ricky Williams in his locker, and Travis was always late for meetings that started at 4:20. He was expendable."

And speaking of Ricky Williams, he will make his return from his own drug suspension in Week 6. In the meantime, Williams has watched the Dolphins surge to a 2-1 record, and sole leadership of the AFC East.

"They seem to be doing fine without me," says Williams. "Does anyone mind if I retire? I've got a package to pickup at the airport and a plane to Jamaica to catch. And I feel the sudden urge to sing my fave Bob Marley song, 'No Football, No Cry.'"

Hey, Ricky, you got to do your own thing, but this might be the season to hang around and enjoy the sweet aroma of a Dolphin resurgence.

This was supposed to be the year that Buffalo challenged in the East, but those aspirations have been shattered by the play of J.P. Losman, whose specialty seems to be the 75-yard passing game.

"Someone told me that the initials 'J.P.' stand for 'Juan Pierre,'" notes Bills' coach Mike Mularkey. "Is Losman half Hispanic, half French? That would make sense. Let's see. 50% Hispanic and 50% French. That leaves 0% quarterback. That seems about right."

Mularkey has chosen to yank Losman in favor of back-up Kelly Holcomb, which would simply be a change and not a solution. Besides inadequate quarterbacking, the Buffalo defense can't stop the run, a weakness that plays right into Miami's hands. Rookie Ronnie Brown cracked 100 yards in week 3, and should do the same this Sunday. Miami will get the lead, force the Bills to pass, and attack the quarterback.

Dolphins win, 24-13.

New England @ Atlanta

In their 41-17 loss to the Chargers last week, the Patriots surrendered 24 unanswered points after a 17-17 tie at halftime. What happened?

"I'll tell you what happened," says Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. "Those 24 points weren't unanswered. We answered each and every one of those points. Every time there was a knock at our door, we answered it. And each time, LaDainian Tomlinson was there with an eight-yard run or a 12-yard reception. And we welcomed him with a gaping hole in our defense each time."

The Pats lost at home for the first time since December of 2002, and picked up their second loss, a number they didn't reach until Week 15 last year. By gosh, New England isn't even in first place in their division.

"In this age of 'what have you done for me lately?'" says Tom Brady, "I think it's obvious that we need to fire Coach Belichick. He's a liability, as a coach and as a dresser. He's probably the only coach that sleeps in the same clothes he coaches in. But seriously, Coach will find a way to get us back on the right track. We've pretty much tapped the taxi squad and the scout team of players. Sure, our secondary is being held together with duct tape and airplane glue. We're hoping our opponents will get a whiff of the glue and get a little dizzy."

They don't sniff glue in Atlanta. At least the players don't. Atlanta is 3-1, with the league's best rushing offense, and a defense that held the Eagles to 10 points in Week 1. So, can the Falcons win and drop the Patriots to 2-3, with Michael Vick playing with a sprained knee ligament.

"You bet we can," says Vick, "or my name's not Ron Mexico, when I don't want to blemish the name of Michael Vick."

The Patriots have shown a weakness against the run, giving up nearly 115 yards a game. The Falcons get that, and more. Vick takes a break from running, and throws a TD pass to Alge Crumpler. Warrick Dunn and T.J. Duckett combine for 140 yards.

Atlanta wins, 30-19.

New Orleans @ Green Bay

What's the most shocking news to come out of Green Bay this year? Ahman Green's inability to gain more than three yards a carry? The fact that Mike Sherman still has a job? Green Bay's failure to win a game thus far, including two losses at Lambeau Field?

"Yeah, all that is shocking," says quarterback Brett Favre. "But what's most shocking is the renaming of Lambeau Field. No longer is it Lambeau Field. Now, we're calling it Lambeau and Four Field."

Indeed, the Packers are 0-4 for the first time since 1988, when Lindy Infante was calling the shots. But 0-4 in the NFC North is like 2-2 in a respectable division. In the AFC South or AFC Central, 0-4 would leave you a full four games behind. But in the NFC North, 0-4 means the Packers are only 1 1/2 games back, and only 1/2 in the win column. For those of you who don't quite grasp fractions, 1/2 games back means the division leaders have only one victory. That would be the Lions and Bears setting the pace at 1-2, with the Vikings hot on their mammalian tails at 1-3.

The Saints are 2-2 in the respectable NFC South, which, with the exception of the NFC East, is the most balanced division in the NFL. And that means the Saints could finish 8-8 and be left out of the playoffs, while some team(s) in the NFC North and/or West could win their division with an identical record.

"Yeah, that's sad," says New Orleans coach Jim Haslett. "But tell me. Is this one of our 'home' games?"

Sorry, Jim, it's not. This is Favre's home, and he won't allow the Pack to go 0-5. Favre throws three touchdowns, and Green Bay finally reaches the win column.

Packers win, 31-25.

Seattle @ St. Louis

Does this sound familiar? The Seahawks and Rams are tied for the lead in the NFC West with the unbelievably superior winning percentages of .500? How about this? Rams' coach Mike Martz calling a boneheaded play that may have cost his squad a chance of beating the Giants last week?

"Yeah, that all sounds familiar," says Rams' QB Marc Bulger. "What kind of idiot calls a reverse from their opponents' six yard line in the third quarter down 27-17? I think we all know the answer to that. And my number of pitches, 62, exceeded the pitch count of a starter on the rotation of the St. Louis Cardinals. Tony LaRussa would have pulled me for a reliever in the third quarter. Martz left me in — now my elbow is the size of a basketball. But, I shouldn't complain. We're 2-2, right on schedule for an 8-8 finish that should win this division."

As was the case last year, St. Louis and Seattle will battle to the end for the West crown. Seattle couldn't beat the Rams in three tries last year, including a home wildcard game.

"None of that matters right now," says Settle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. "We're concentrating on a win in St. Louis, in the Edward "Too Tall" Jones Dome. We're going out there like a flock of Seahawks, and we plan to run. Run the ball, that is, with our man Shaun Alexander."

Both teams will try to establish the run, and the Seahawks are more likely to succeed. But their problems may arise in the passing game. Receivers Bobby Engram and Darrell Jackson are banged up from last week's loss in Washington. Should they be less than 100%, the Rams can concentrate on stopping Alexander. But can they? They haven't stopped anyone yet. Of course, no one has stopped them. So, look for 50 passes from Bulger, and a shootout win for the Rams.

St. Louis wins, 33-30.

Tampa Bay @ N.Y. Jets

The Bucs found that when Cadillac Williams is running like a 1969 Seville and not like a 2005 Coup de Ville, they can fall back on their passing game to get where they are going. "Where they are going" is to the front of the NFC South and a 4-0 record. Williams was slowed not by a faulty alternator, but a sore hamstring, and only managed 13 yards on 11 carries, also known as a three-touchdown day for Jerome Bettis. To pick up Williams' slack, quarterback Brian "The Plymouth Reliant K" threw for two touchdowns, including an 80-yard TD bomb to Joey "The Dodge Viper" Galloway.

"Brian is just like his dad, Bob," says Tampa's John Gruden. "He's steady, not spectacular. He kind of looks less like a quarterback and more like a kicker. He's a lot like Jets' quarterback Vinny Testaverde, just about eight steps quicker."

And speaking of Testaverde, Vinny's back with the Jets, after the Brooks Bollinger experiment lasted longer than anyone thought it would — one game.

"At least I didn't blow my shoulder out," says Bollinger.

"Brooks just didn't work out for us," says Jets' coach Herman Edwards. "14-for-28 passing just doesn't cut it in the NFL. Those are pretty good numbers for Vince Carter from the field for the Nets, but not for a QB. Vinny's now our man. I know he's experienced more resurrections than Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th fame, but we feel like he's got a lot of game left in him."

Testaverde may be the best thing to happen to the Jets since Chad Pennington's injury. At 1-3, the Jets desperately need a win, especially since the Giants are 3-1, and Giants' fans are getting the best of Jets' fans. But would it be sensible to pick the Jets and Testaverde to overcome the NFL's best defense? No, it would not. The Bucs score on defense, and Brian Griese hits Michael Pittman, in for the injured Williams, for a touchdown.

Tampa Bay wins, 20-7.

Tennessee @ Houston

Steve McNair fondly recalls his days as a Houston Oiler before the Oilers packed up and moved to Nashville.

"Hey, there's nothing more satisfying than wearing a helmet with an oil rig on it," says McNair. "I knew exactly what I was — I was an Oiler. Now, here in Tennessee, I've got some logo on the side of my head, and I have no idea what it is. I know a Titan is something big, but what is it? And, what's a 'Packer' for that matter?"

Well, Stunning Steve, I don't know what a Titan or a Packer is, nor do I care. But, I can tell you what a Texan is. That's a person who lives in Texas. And, judging by Houston's 0-3 record and anemic offense, anyone living in the state of Texas qualifies to play for them, and you don't have to be a football player.

"Hey, that statement about our anemic offense is offensive," says Houston coach Dom Capers, "to people with anemia. I have no problem with it. Our offense stinks. I was just analyzing the NFL standings earlier. Do you realize that if the playoffs started today, we wouldn't make them?"

Dom, I think it's safe to say that whenever the playoffs start, you won't make them.

Houston may be the league's worst team, averaging only eight points a game in their three losses. Until their offensive line can give David Carr some protection, the Texans can't do much of anything. McNair throws three touchdowns and the Titans edge the home-standing Texans 22-21.

Indianapolis @ San Francisco

Peyton Maning and the Colts finally found their offense last week against the Titans, exploding for 31 points in a 31-10 win. Manning threw for four TDs to raise his season total to six, which is five fewer than his total after four games last year, and three fewer than his brother Eli has so far this year.

"Wow! I had 11 TDs after four games last year?" asks Manning. "That just proves what an incredibly awesome year I had last year. As for Eli ... my dad, heck, my mother, could toss four TDs against the Rams. That's easy. Anyway, if I threw eight touchdowns against San Fran, I'll be back on my record pace of 14 TD passes after five game. I figure if Donovan McNabb can throw for five touchdowns in three quarters against the 49ers, then I should easily reach eight in four quarters of action against said team. Then, of course, I'll have to hear from the whiners about running up the score. But this is the NFL. Records were made to be broken, and scores were made to be ran up."

Rookie Alex Smith has been given the start against the Colts and their defensive line that boasts three of the top-11 sack leaders in the league.

"Do I have the option to decline the start?" asks Smith. "Can't I invoke the 'Fear For My Life' clause? I'm sure that's in my contract, right after the part about the $20 million signing bonus."

Smith has his rookie jitters cured — when he's knocked out of the game in the second quarter. By that time, Manning has two touchdowns, on his way to four for the day.

Indianapolis wins, 38-8.

"I bet Eli doesn't even have one touchdown today," quips Manning. "I'm the best Manning."

Carolina @ Arizona

"I'd like to congratulate Arizona for their victory over San Francisco in the 'Burrito Bowl' last week," says Carolina coach John Fox. "But now that their run to the border and back is complete, they've got the Carolina Panthers to answer to. I don't know if Dennis Green and his crew are aware of this, but the cardinal in the state bird of North Carolina, and we don't appreciate the evil-looking cardinal painted on the side of their helmets."

The Cardinals beat the 49ers 31-14 in Mexico City, as Josh McCown passed for a career-high 385 yards, and two touchdowns.

"Just a warning to the Manning brothers," says McCown. "My brother Luke and I combined for two TDs on Sunday. That's only six behind you Manning boys. We're coming for you. Of course, it would help if my brother would get some playing time."

The Panthers survived a Monday night scare at home, nearly blowing a 26-7 lead to the Packers before winning 32-29. Carolina improved to 2-2, trailing the 4-0 Bucs and 3-1 Falcons in the South. The Panthers will hope to get more out of wide receiver Steve Smith, who had only two catches versus the Packers. Smith should vastly improve on those numbers against the Arizona defense, which has given up 110 points in four games.

Stephen Davis rushes for two touchdowns, and Delhomme hits Smith for a touchdown.

Panthers win, 29-17.

Philadelphia @ Dallas

I guess the Eagles answered the question many of us have been asking: is the Kansas City Chiefs' defense improved?

"Man, that's funny," says Donovan McNabb, laughing uncontrollably. "That's so funny, I'm gonna bust a gut laughing."

McNabb should know. He lit up the league's fifth-worst defense with three second half touchdowns, as the Eagles scored 31 unanswered points to defeat the Chiefs 37-31. All done while McNabb nursed chest, abdominal, and shin injuries. So, to answer the question: no, the Chiefs' defense is not improved.

So, a week after defeating the Indians, the Eagles will head to Dallas to attempt to dismiss the Cowboys. Dallas is 2-2, so a loss to the Eagles would put the 'Boys down two games to the Eagles, and possibly 2 1/2 to the Redskins.

Last year, McNabb lit up the Cowboys in Dallas for four touchdowns in a 49-21 victory. This time, McNabb throws for three, and Terrell Owens catches two of those. After the second, Owens races to the Dallas sideline and poses on the Dallas star — on the side of the helmet of Keyshawn Johnson.

"While he's still wearing it!" boasts Owens. "I love me some me."

Eagles win, 31-24.

The following week, McNabb appears on PBS' Sesame Street, on a segment with the characters Bert and Hernia.

Washington @ Denver

Joe Gibbs is coaching the Redskins, and the 'Skins are playing Denver? I think I know how this one turns out. The Broncos race out to a 10-0, only to be stunned by 42 unanswered points from the Redskins.

"Wait a minute, pal," corrects Gibbs. "You're confusing the current 'Skins with the 1987 'Skins, who blasted Denver in Super Bowl XX. That squad was led by quarterback Doug Williams and running back Timmy Smith, who rushed for a Super Bowl record 204 yards."

Thanks for the history lesson, Mr. Gibbs. How about a few Civil War stories? You were alive then, right? Just goofing with you, Joe. You're still a football genius. Hey, is that Timmy Smith the same one that just got slammed for buying cocaine from an undercover cop?

"Yes, unfortunately, that was Timmy," laments Gibbs.

Was he using back then? That would explain how he could rush for 204 yards in the Super Bowl, then disappear from the face of the Earth.

The 2005 Broncos have won three straight to take sole possession of the AFC West, which makes coach Mike Shanahan a very happy man, although even when he's happy, he looks like he would snap your head off. Denver has been winning with defense and a powerful running game, led by Mike Anderson. Denver manhandled a good Jacksonville defense last week, rushing for 188 yards in a 20-7 win. They probably won't beat that number against the Redskins, but the Bronco defense will make that unnecessary.

Denver forces three Mark Brunell turnovers, and the Broncos hand Washington ther first defeat.

Denver wins, 22-9.

Cincinnati @ Jacksonville

Did Chad Johnson really go touchdown-less against the winless Texans last week? He did?

"Ahhh-haaaa!" says Jaguar coach Jack Del Rio. "That's what you get for doing a silly Riverdance touchdown celebration in those loud Bengals' uniforms that look like something Liberace would wear on Halloween. I'm Jack Del Rio, and I've got the coolest name in sports, except for that of funny car drag racer John Force. Therefore, I've got my finger on the pulse of what's hip and what's not. I know cool, and Chad Johnson's not cool."

Well, this Sunday night, Johnson's will have the ESPN Sunday night audience at his disposal, and he's surely anxious to add a name to his checklist of cornerbacks he's burned for touchdowns.

"Oh, somebody's getting the check," says Johnson. "It could be Rashean Mathis or Kenny Wright. And when I score that touchdown, you all will see that I sacrificed a ballet career to be an NFL superstar. Do y'all know what a pirouette is?"

The Jags could do all of the AFC North a favor by handing the Bengals their first defeat. They could also do themselves a huge favor with a win. A loss, and they will have suffered two conference losses at home, which could be devastating come playoff time. Also, they would fall a full three games down to the Colts in the South, assuming the Colts beat San Francisco.

"And my money's on the Colts," says former Cincinnati Red Pete Rose, a big Bengals fan, especially when they cover the spread.

Jacksonville plays inspired football, urged on by the words of Del Rio. Byron Leftwich throws two touchdowns, and Fred Taylor rushes for 100 yards.

The Jags hand the Bengals their first defeat, 23-16.

Pittsburgh @ San Diego

"It's about time they put me back on Monday Night Football," says super-Charger LaDainian Tomlinson. "I'm the best player in the NFL. Just ask the Patriots. And the Chargers and I are rolling."

Indeed, the Chargers are the hottest 2-2 team in football, fresh off a huge 41-17 road win over the Patriots. L.T. rushed for 134 yards against the Pats, with two TDs, and he leads the NFL in rushing touchdowns with eight.

"Hey, the Steelers and my Chargers have a common opponent," says San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer. "The Patriots. We beat them 41-17. The Steelers lost to them 23-20. By my calculations, we should whip the Steelers 64-3."

"Suffering succotash," says Bill Cowher. "I'm in a quandary."

What, Bill? Jerome Bettis and Duce Staley are healthy now, and, with Willie Parker the starter, you can't decide how much playing time to give Bettis and Staley?

"Huh? Yeah, I guess I do have decisions to make," says Cowher. "But the quandary I was referring to was the pronunciation of the Chargers' stadium, Qu ... Qua ... Qual ... Oh, I give up!"

It's "Qualcomm," Bill. I know your lower jaw sometimes gets in the way of words, but if you can say "quandary," you can say "Qualcomm." Go ahead, try it. Think of 200 yards rushing and a shutout.

"Qualcomm," says Cowher. "I did it!"

Monday night's game could have playoff implications down the road. The AFC West is wide open, so home victories are imperative to the Chargers' cause. With a win, the Steelers would keep pace with the North-leading Bengals. And should the Chargers and Steelers find themselves vying for a wildcard spot in December, this game could be the deciding factor.

Tomlinson cherishes this Monday night stage, and even though the Steelers commit to stopping L. T. on the ground, they can't stop the league's best pass-catching running back. Tomlinson catches a long TD pass from Drew Brees, and the San Diego defense holds the Steelers in check.

Chargers win, 24-21.