The other day, I was debating the greatest TV athletes with my co-host on our radio show. The qualifications were simple enough — it had to be someone who played on an organized team (which rules out anyone from the one episode of Friends where they played football) and it had to be someone on a TV show because movies and TV movies were just too easy.
Another rule was added early in the debate to rule out anyone whose show was featured on them playing this sport, like anyone from ESPN's Playmakers. (Which means Leon Taylor couldn't have won the award for greatest TV athlete ever, despite his career average of 4.5 yards per carry. Then again, you have to factor in the wife beating and steroid abuse by Taylor, as well, so he probably wouldn't have made it, but you get the point).
We had a simple setup, an auto-bid to the final four for the champion of the Animated Division and the Sitcom Division, a wildcard based on our final votes, and a wildcard based on caller votes. We definitely left some out, but here's who we had in contention.
Animated Division
Patty Mayonaise, Doug — Patty was a surprisingly good baseball player, especially for a girl. I think she even tried out for the boys team, dominated tryouts, and was only kicked off after the coach realized she was in fact a girl. This led her to create her own team, which she captained, to play against this select team. I think her team of scrubs ended up beating the real team only because Patty finally straightened out Doug's swing, although I could be mistaken (they may have had one of those cliché losses that's really like a win).
Hank Hill, King of the Hill — Hank played football for Arlen High and led them to the state title game (or something thereabouts). That was around the same time his Dad offered to purchase prostitutes for Hank and teammates and future friends Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer.
Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons — Lisa, despite being the biggest nerd in Springfield, is one of the top athletes on the show. Not only was she a goalie on a guy's team at an age level higher than hers, she was the best goalie in the league. This is doubly impressive because she did it with skill, not some manufactured ability, a la Jean-Sebastien Giguere with goalie pads the size of Comic Book Guy.
Bart Simpson, The Simpsons — He makes the list only because he played hockey fairly well and was a football player. He did alright in pickup games, as well, but its clear the kid has some athletic talent and he was usually the focus on whatever team he was on. Was this because he was the star of the show or because it was his great athletic ability? I'll side with his athletic talent, only because it seems to run in the family.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons — Most of what he did counted for nothing. He was in a bowling league and bowled a perfect game once, but the whole thing was somewhat shady. Also, he was a great softball player, but it was company softball, so we didn't count it. Why is he on the list? Well, mainly because of his fight with Drederick Tatum. One thing is certain, he can take a punch.
Kyle, South Park — Kyle was a great quarterback, but I think the only reason they had him as a good football player was so they could use the infamous "I haven't seen a Jew run that fast since Warsaw in 1936" line. Either way, the kid could play ball, and it's not fair of me to question to why.
Charlie Brown, Peanuts — He gets a sponsor's exemption into this competition only because it's clear he was a phenomenal athlete. Why else would Lucy be so scared to hold the ball for him on a kick? You have to assume he has a stronger leg than Adam Vinatieri. He was also the pitcher for the baseball team, and while they never won a game, you always make your best athlete the pitcher, so there's no doubt that Charlie was the best on the block.
Animated Division Champ
Bugs Bunny, Looney Toons — Bugs wins this hands down, mainly because the competition is weak. The cartoon athletes never get much higher than high school and that just doesn't cut it. Bugs is on here not only because of his talent, but because of his versatility. In a baseball game against the Gas-House Gorillas, Bugs played every single position on the field. Not only does he hit for power and hit consistently, he is also the best pitcher I have seen on TV. He once struck out the entire side on one pitch. If ESPN Classic was around then, that would've made Instant Classic status the minute after it aired.
Sitcom Division
A few that narrowly missed making the list:
Brad Taylor, Home Improvement — He was a soccer stud and got a college scholly, but soccer sucks.
Eddie Winslow, Family Matters — Basketball scholly to IOU, but Steve Urkel had a more consistent three-point-shot.
Joey Gladstone, Full House — Joey was eliminated quickly in the competition and was only included because we were fairly certain he played hockey when he was younger. He does play the occasional game still, but we didn't feel he was good enough to make even the Sweet 16.
The Competitors
MacGyver, MacGyver — He received an exemption from my co-host, who is a big supporter of MacGyver. The fact of the matter is that this guy was a hockey fiend. He was a complete stud on the ice and never really gets the credit he deserves. He also makes a strong case because he is a great mentor to younger players, like in the episode he helped a player tone down his aggressive style and make the Olympic team. Plus, there is nothing this guy can't do, and that includes building a baby crib out of hockey sticks. We were both certain he would've been one of the game's greats if he didn't feel such a loyalty to the Phoenix Foundation and saving the world.
Corey Matthews, Boy Meets World — He is the Rudy of our list. He wasn't on the team long, but he didn't back down to anyone, even when fighting in a match against the little Joey kid in front of a full gym. Sure, he's not a realistic candidate for the final four, but I admire his heart.
Alan Matthews, Boy Meets World — I didn't remember this, but my co-host swears he won the Golden Gloves tournament while in the Navy, so he made the list, but not the final four.
Jean-Paul, Seinfeld — He was the marathon runner from Trinidad (or was it Jamaica? My co-host, who is a huge Seinfeld guy, thinks it was Jamaica but I wasn't so sure) who overslept the big race and still almost pulled out the win. His downfall as an athlete came when he threw Kramer's hot coffee into his face. Speaking of Kramer...
Kramer, Seinfeld — Kramer was an exceptional golfer and would've been one of the greats if he didn't get into that car wreck when he was trying to look at a girl in her bra. Not a great shot at the final four, but he did once drive a golf ball into the blowhole of a whale.
Al Bundy, Married With Children — We had an e-mailer vote for Bundy and it's true, he was one of the greats. His nickname in high school was "Touchdown Bundy" and during his senior season he set a Polk High School record for touchdowns in a season. He was one of the top fullbacks the football world had seen in sometime and would've gone on to play in college if it wasn't for a broken leg. Another big thing going in his favor is the fact that he was clutch and always kicked it up a notch in crunch time. Case in point — he had four touchdowns in the city championship game his senior season. It doesn't get much better than that.
Zach Morris, Saved by the Bell — He was a track star, a basketball stud, and a decent outfielder in baseball. So why doesn't he make the list? Well, he's too much of a wimp to play football. He had the athleticism and speed to play, but he opted out because, I'm assuming, he didn't want to get hit. Weak, Preppie, weak.
Will Smith, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air — He was a brilliant basketball player. There was very little he couldn't do with the ball. He had some memorable games going up against the player who already had a kid in high school (this was his only flaw, he let his pity bring him down). He was fond of recounting his great games at the barbershop, but he let his play do the talking most of the time and it did just that.
Basketball brought him nearly everything he wanted as he was the horse on the Bel-Air team, but he did throw the game that the scout attended only because he felt bad for the father that was a guard for the other team. Just for letting woman emotions getting involved, he misses out on any shot of the final four, but definitely deserves some mention on the list.
AC Slater, Saved by the Bell — He was the jock on the show and let's face it, he was hands down the best athlete at Bayside. He was the quarterback of the football team and returned kicks (everyone remembers his Dante Hall-esque return against Valley in the homecoming game. Sure, that was the only score in the game, but that was more a credit to the Valley defense than an indictment of Slater's ability to run the offense, because he once had, like, six TDs in a game. Bottom line, he did what he had to against Valley to get a win, and you can't ask your playmakers for much more than that).
As good as he was at football, he was even better at wrestling. This is where he made his name as he was easily the greatest wrestler the school had ever seen. He humiliated the Valley wrestler in one match and never came close to losing against anyone else. The only loss I remember was when he went up against that Tory chick (you know, the biker one) who was only on the show for a season and I'm fairly certain he mailed it in because it was a girl and he didn't want to hurt her. He was the wildcard winner to the final-four.
Sitcom Division Champ
Clark Kent, Smallville — I took a lot of heat for naming a person from the WB to the list, but damn it, he deserves it. There literally is nothing he is incapable of doing. The fact of the matter is he could score a touchdown on every play, but he lets people tackle him and takes a dive just so people don't find out he's really Superman.
Remember, this is a kid who once threw a TD pass and then was able to run and save a girl who was trapped in the locker room area under the bleachers and make it back to the field before the ball even hit his wide-out in the numbers. He turned down a scholarship to Kansas U to stay closer to his high school sweetheart and was recruited heavily by the nearer Metropolis U. My co-host disagreed with me on this choice, but how can anyone be better? He's Superman, how can anyone compare? Bottom line is they can't.
Caller Wildcard
Sam Malone, Cheers — To be honest, he was on our list, but we had a caller name him before we even started the segment. He did end up receiving the most votes from our callers, which landed him in the final four. Let's face it — he was good enough to make it to the professional ranks, so that should be good enough to land him to the final four on its own merit. He was a former relief pitcher for the Red Sox and that makes him fairly successful. So what if alcoholism shortened his career, at least he made it to the big stage. Better to be a has-been than a never-was like Al Bundy, Will Smith, and Kramer.
The Final Four
Bugs Bunny, Sam Malone, Clark Kent, and AC Slater — I voted for Clark Kent, because he is freaking Superman. However, I was outvoted by a margin of 2-1, with both my co-host and the callers going with Sam Malone. I am certain we have missed some good ones, but until someone can make an argument otherwise, Sam Malone will be crowned the greatest TV athlete. I guess it's better to be a depressed drunk than faster than a speeding bullet.
The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, Rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
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