NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 4

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Buffalo @ New Orleans

What does the "J.P." in J.P. Losman stand for? A) juniper panties, B) Japanese Powerbomb, C) jittery pansy, or D) just pathetic.

"I'll answer that," says Bills coach Mike Mularkey, "but I'd like to call a friend and I'd like to buy a vowel. I'd like to call former Bills' quarterback Jim Kelly and ask him if he'd like to come out of retirement and quarterback us. And I'd like to buy an 'I'. Place that between the 'J' and the 'P,' and you get 'jip.' We got jipped with our draft pick of Losman. By the way, the answers are C and D."

Indeed, Regis Philbin or Pat Sajak could probably man the position better than Losman, who appears to be Buffalo's weakest link, and his play has placed the Bills' playoff hopes in jeopardy. Losman passed for only 75 yards against the Falcons, which is a pretty good first quarter for someone like Donovan McNabb, Carson Palmer, or George Blanda.

The Saints will play the second of their traveling home schedule in San Antonio's Alamo Dome, home of the NBA's San Antonio Spurs, and not much else, except for a few monster truck shows, RV expos, and the 2006 Paintball World Championship.

"Hey, as long as it has a roof and I can't see the sky and the turf has a blue-green hue," says Saints' running back Deuce McAllister, "then it might as well be the Superdome."

McAllister should find room to run against the Bills' league-worst rushing defense, especially after the loss of linebacker Takeo Spikes. The same goes for the Bills' McRunning back, Willis McGahee, because the Saints' aren't much better stopping the rush. The difference will be made by the quarterbacks. The Saints' Aaron Brooks is error-prone, while Losman is an error pro, and can't even complete 50% of his passes.

The Saints pound McAllister, to the tune of 150 yards and two TDs as New Orleans grinds out a 22-17 win.

Denver @ Jacksonville

Once again, the Jags are winning with defense and the clutch passing of Byron Leftwich. Last Sunday, Jacksonville held the Jets to 168 yards total offense, and Leftwich's 36-yard TD pass to Jimmy Smith won it in overtime.

"And don't forget our clock-killing strategy of running Fred Taylor 37 times for 98 yards," says Jack Del Rio. "As you can see by the 2.6 yards per rush average, we obviously didn't do that for the yardage. That's Jack Del Rio football right there: killing the already-fragile knees of Taylor."

Denver is winning with a balanced attack, the quarterbacking of Jake Plummer, and the evil genius of coach Mike Shanahan. Not happy with simply beating San Diego, Shanahan was fined $20,000 last week for saying the officials made a "horrible" call in Week 2's game against the Chargers. I guess that's the league's way of saying, "Shanny, know your role and shut your mouth." The league also noted that any future complaints from the temperamental Shanahan would be handled with more fines, and in the event of further transgressions, the Broncos may be forced to forfeit their first round playoff game at Indianapolis.

"At least that would save us the trip up there and the humiliation of a blowout defeat," says Shanahan.

Last year, when these two teams met in Jacksonville, the Jags won 7-6 on a late Leftwich pass to Ernest Wilford. This week's game will also be a defensive struggle, but what Jacksonville game isn't? This time, the Jags don't wait until the end to score. Josh Scobee kicks three field goals, and Leftwich hits rookie Matt Jones for a score.

Jacksonville wins, 22-17.

Detroit @ Tampa Bay

Wait a minute. Didn't the Bucs move to the NFC South after realignment three years ago? Then why do they keep playing NFC North teams? After wins over the Vikings and Packers, Tampa looks to go 3-0 versus the North with a win over Detroit.

"Chalk it up," says Tampa coach John Gruden. "We roll with Cadillacs here, Cadillac Williams to be exact. These suckers in Detroit ride Fords, or at least they are owned by the Fords, William Clay Ford, to be exact."

Yes, the Bucs are riding Williams, and the new car smell is long gone. Williams leads the NFL in rushing yards, as well as carries, and after 158 yards last Sunday versus Green Bay, he now owns the record for rushing yards in his first three games. But, will averaging nearly 30 carries a game be too much for the rookie's legs to maintain?

"I don't know," says Williams. "Is it normal not to be able to walk for two days after a Sunday game?"

Only if you are Curtis Martin, Fred Taylor, or Earl Campbell. You're in your early 20s. You should be good to go until you're about 32 or 33. Then you might want to start looking for alternative forms of locomotion.

The Lions will be rested after a bye week in which they probably spent analyzing what went wrong in their Week 2 loss to the Bears, 38-6. If they can't figure it out, I'll tell them: a "good defense" is what went wrong. And unfortunately, Tampa has one, too. The Bucs stop the run, get a lead, run Williams 30 times, and force the Lions to throw. And Joey Harrington has proven he's not too good at that.

Williams breaks 100 yards again, and the Bucs avoid a letdown against the rested Lions.

Tampa Bay wins, 24-21.

Houston @ Cincinnati

First, the bad news, David Carr. You're playing a Bengals' defense that has picked off five interceptions in each of its last two games.

"And the good news?" Carr asks with baited breath.

Okay, here it is. You could only throw four interceptions and still call it a good day.

"Well then," says Carr. "I've got a lot of good days to look forward to. Is getting sacked five times considered a good day?"

Only for the Houston offensive line.

Houston enjoyed a bye in Week 3, which gave them a chance to rest and bask in the ignominy of being the team picked on by fantasy owners.

"Picked on?" says coach Dom Capers. "What does that mean?"

It means that whatever team is playing Houston, fantasy owners want that team as their defense.

On the other hand, you don't want the Bengals' offense playing your fantasy defense. If you play fantasy football and have the Houston defense starting against the Bengals, get out. Get out now. Anyway, Carson Palmer is finally living up to his No. 1 draft pick status, Chad Johnson is living up to his mouth, and Rudi Johnson is his usual self: a workhorse. This one could get ugly. Chad Johnson calls out Texans' cornerback Dunta Robinson, then burns him on the games' third play. Carr is chased out of the pocket all day, and throws three interceptions. The Bengals then ice it with Rudi.

Cincinnati wins, 31-7.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

The Colts are 3-0 and lead the AFC South after last Sunday's tough 13-6 win over Cleveland.

"So why am I receiving all this hate mail?" asks an upset Peyton Manning.

Here's why. Those letters probably came from the thousands of fantasy owners who drafted you No. 1 overall. You know, the ones who were expecting you to average about three TD passes a game. As it is, you don't even have three TD passes for the year. Heck, even your brother, Eli, has five TDs.

"That stuff doesn't matter to me," say Manning. "All I've got yo say to you geeky fantasy owners is 'get a life.' Now, excuse me while I go study the blitzing tendencies and coverage schemes employed by the Tennessee Titan's on third down situations when the score is tied and the temperature in Lisbon, Portugal is greater than 87 degrees."

The Titans are 1-2, and hung tough with the Rams last week before falling 31-24. Earlier this week, the Titans lost running back Travis Henry to a four-game suspension, a casualty of the league's substance abuse policy.

"Yeah, I think Travis was stoned last week against the Rams," says Titans' coach Jeff Fisher. "Three carries for zero yards. Sounds to me like Travis just wanted to get back to the sidelines for some Cheetos and Gatorade."

To have any chance of winning, the Titans will have to get some production from running back Chris Brown — if they don't, they may face the full fury of the Indy pass rush.

"To heck with what Brown does," says Colts' defensive end Dwight Freeney. "We're coming after McNair regardless. But we might let a few touchdowns slip by us. We know our offense has been sandbagging to test us. Well, we're turning the tables. We're giving up at least 17 points. If Peyton Manning and the boys can't score more than that, then we're in trouble."

Both the Indy defense and offense break new ground. The offense scores more than 24, and the defense gives up more than six.

Colts win, 27-21.

San Diego @ New England

In the second of four straight games against last year's playoff teams, the Patriots will look to do the near impossible: deny LaDainian Tomlinson a touchdown. Tomlinson scored four, including a passing TD to Keenan McCardell, in the Chargers 45-23 win over the Giants. Tomlinson extended his NFL record to 15 consecutive games scoring a touchdown.

"I can't guarantee that Tomlinson won't score a touchdown," says Patriot coach Bill Belichick. "But I can guarantee he won't throw a touchdown pass. My Patriots have gone 116 consecutive games without allowing a running back to throw a touchdown pass."

San Diego is in the win column, but faces a brutal stretch in their schedule. After New England, they host Pittsburgh, then travel to Oakland, then to Philadelphia, then host Kansas City. They could possibly go 0-5 in those.

"Or 1-4, or 2-3, or 3-2, or 4-1, or 5-0," says Chargers' coach Marty Schottenheimer. "Obviously, at 1-2, and taking into account the competitiveness of the AFC West, we'd have to go 4-1 to be in good playoff position. Is that going to happen? If L.T. can give me four touchdowns as he did last week, I like our chances. If not, we're toast."

Would you like butter on that, Marty?

The Patriots have a tough stretch ahead, as well, facing road games in Atlanta and Denver in Weeks 5 and 6. And they will be without safety Rodney Harrison, who injured his knee last Sunday and is out for the season, or, as Belichick calls it, "probable." The Pats are the most resilient team in the NFL, and despite injuries, will win at home. Tomlinson is held in check, and Tom Brady throws for 300 yards and two TDs.

New England wins, 23-16.

Seattle @ Washington

Believe it or not, Washington is one of four unbeaten teams remaining after three weeks.

"Yeah, but of all those," says 'Skins coach Joe Gibbs, taking a break from shining his 1/64th scale No. 20 Home Depot Joe Gibbs Racing Chevrolet Monte Carlo, "we're the only one at 2-0. Haha! Take that, all you 3-0 suckers."

Apparently, Gibbs' mind is slipping in his old age, or maybe he's just giddy at Washington's surprise start. Gibbs is used to winning with offense, but this year, the 'Skins are doing it with defense, allowing only 10 points a game. But on offense, Washington does have an old Gibbs' staple, the "Fun Bunch," albeit a one-man "Fun Bunch" with wide receiver Santana Moss. Moss single-handedly beat the Cowboys in Week 2, then had to high five himself in the new "Fun Bunch" celebration, since he's the only member.

Seattle is 2-1 after last week's demolition of Arizona, tied with the Rams atop the NFC West. Shaun Alexander is leading the way, with five rushing touchdowns, and a goofy touchdown celebration in which he cradles the football and pats it like a baby.

"Isn't that precious?" jokes 'Hawks QB Matt Hasselbeck. "Shaun's a great father, a great running back, and, above all, he's the biggest dork I know."

Washington's defense is very strong, but would be even stronger if the offense was more reliable. Can the 'Skins expect Mark Brunell to hook up with Moss for two bombs every game? No. Every two games? No. Every eight games? No. Every season? Yes. So, they have already reached their allotment. Washington will limit the Seahawks' offense, but won't contain it. Alexander will score, and the 'Skins won't keep up.

Seahawks win, 20-13.

St. Louis @ N.Y. Giants

The 2-1 Rams visit the 2-1 Giants, in the "We Got Rid of Kurt Warner, and We're Much Better Off For it" Bowl.

"And what does the winner get?" asks Rams' coach Mike Martz. "A night with Brenda Warner?"

No, that's what the loser gets. As as a bonus gift, you also receive the "Kurt Warner 5 o'clock Shadow Shave Kit."

While Warner has quarterbacked the Cardinals to an 0-3 start, the Giants and Rams both stand at 2-1. The Rams are scoring in bunches, and giving up points in bunches as well, blowing a 14-point lead at Tennessee before winning. After playing the Giants, the Rams will host the Seahawks in Week 5, in a battle for early control of the West.

"And we can't afford to look ahead to that game," says Rams' coach Mike Martz. "And I'll remind my guys of that incessantly, even though that will defeat the purpose, because I'll keep reminding them of something they're supposed to forget. Maybe I'll just shut up."

Three weeks into the season, and already, some Giants are having problems with Tom Coughlin's discipline. Wide receiver Plaxico Burress was benched for a few series last Sunday for being late to a meeting. Then Jeremy Shockey questioned Coughlin's actions. First of all, Shockey, mind your own business. Take a ride on the subway and deal with your own problems. And Plaxico, answer me this: would you be late to pick up your new diamond earring, or to have your cornrows tightened, or to get a relatives' face tattooed on your shoulder?

"No, I wouldn't," replies Burress. "But there's a difference. I'm paying them. The Giants are paying me."

Good point. But one that I'm sure would send Coughlin into a rage.

Expect big games from quarterbacks Eli Manning and Marc Bulger. A late Bulger turnover leads to the winning Jay Feeley field goal, and the Giants win, 27-26.

N.Y. Jets @ Baltimore

With the Jets at 1-2 and the Ravens 0-2, both teams are poised to make drastic changes. Wait! Herman Edwards! Brian Billick! Don't start cleaning out your offices just yet. You're not getting fired.

"Whew! That was close!" says Billick. "Now, I can get down to the business of turning this team around and making those experts that picked us to go 12-4 look far less stupid. Anyway, this week, we're implementing an empty backfield look. And it's not the empty backfield you're used to, where the QB lines up behind center with no running backs in the backfield. With our new empty backfield look, we're doing away with the quarterback altogether and snapping the ball directly to the defense. Different process. Same result."

Last week against the Jaguars, two Jets' quarterbacks suffered shoulder injuries. Apparently, Chad Pennington was born with the condition, and it must be contagious, since backup Jay Fiedler separated his shoulder in relief. As a result, Brooks Bollinger has been named starter for this Sunday's contest in Baltimore. The Jets also signed Vinny Testaverde, which adds a full year to the average age of NFL players.

"We're counting on Brooks to 'shoulder' the load," says a grinning Jets' coach Herman Edwards, ever the optimist. "I'm not sure which arm Brooks throws with, but he can give play signals with either hand, so I'm sure he'll be fine."

The Jets really don't need arms to win this game, because any points they score will be from the foot, namely the right one of kicker Mike Nugent. The same goes for the Ravens, whose quarterback situation isn't much better. Look for both defenses to stack up against the run and dare the offenses to find a decent right arm with which to pass.

How can this game not be close? I could flip a coin, or say to myself, "Brooks Bollinger against the Baltimore defense." Enough said.

Ravens win, 15-12.

Dallas @ Oakland

"Is this how my investment was supposed to pay off?" asks a concerned Raider owner Al Davis, in a mid-week meeting with head coach Norv Turner. "Come on, Norv. You've got Randy 'Madd Skillz' Moss on your roster. And the best you can do is 0-3?"

"Did you just say 'Madd Skillz?'" asks Turner. "Anyway, Mr. Davis, I promise we'll turn this thing around. The Kerry Collins to Randy Moss connection is working — we just have to get the running game clicking. So, settle down, stop worrying, go back to your coffin, sleep until dark, wake up at dawn, say 'cock-a-doodle-do,' and go about your normal routine."

The Raider running game is a problem, averaging only 62 yards a game, 31st in the league. Last week against the Eagles, Oakland rushed 22 times for 21 yards. For those of you without knowledge of advanced mathematics, that's less than one yard a carry. And while Philly's David Akers was kicking crippled, it was the Raiders' Sebastian Janikowski who missed two field goals. Not to mention, the Raiders are one of the most penalized teams in the league.

"Sure, the Raiders have problems," says Dallas' Bill Parcells, "but so do we. We're giving up way too many big plays, we can't cover anyone downfield, and our kicker is hit-or-miss."

Oh yes, the kicker. That would be Jose Cortez, who, after missing an extra point last Sunday, was confronted by teammate Larry Allen. Luckily for Cortez, Allen didn't do the obvious: slather Cortez in salsa, place him in a tortilla shell, and devour him. Instead, Allen grabbed Cortez by the facemask and gave him a good shaking. Cortez did what any 180-pound man would do when confronted by a 360-pound man: nothing. That competitive fire makes the Cowboys go. And they will need that and more to stop the Raiders in the Black Hole.

Mention the word "Moss" to the Cowboys, and shivers go up their spine, and curse words go out of Parcell's mouth. Add "Randy" to it, and they really freak out. Moss has dominated the Cowboys and has never lost to them.

And Moss continues to haunt the Cowboys, who passed on him in the 1998 draft. Moss grabs eight catches for 140 yards and two touchdowns. After his second TD, Moss presents the ball to Cowboys' receiver Keyshawn Johnson.

"Here you go, K.J. I'm giving you the damn ball," Moss quips.

Dallas coach Bill Parcells can't help but chuckle, even though the Raiders get their first win with a 34-27 victory.

Minnesota @ Atlanta

It took him three weeks, but Minnesota quarterback Daunte Culpepper finally realized that a completion is defined as a pass to a teammate. After eight interceptions and no touchdowns in the first two weeks, Culpepper threw three TDs and no picks as the Vikings whipped the Saints by a score of 33-16.

"I realized what my problems was," explains Culpepper. "I've been trying to throw to No. 84."

The Vikings' first win of the season gave them a record of 1-2, which in the NFC North is good enough for a tie for second, a half-game out of the Lions' blazing 1-1 start.

This is a huge (or "uge," if you're Al Michaels) game for both teams. A loss by the Vikes and they fall to 1-3 heading into a bye week. A loss by the Falcons, and they'll be 2-2 as the Patriots come to town in Week 5. And, if the Bucs beat the Lions, Tampa will have a full two-game lead in the South.

"Do I look worried?" asks Atlanta coach Jim Mora. "I can't see Vikings' coach Mike Tice outsmarting me. In fact, I can't see Mike Tice outsmarting anyone, except for maybe Wile E. Coyote. And Vikings' management. They gave him a contract extension. I think the Acme Corporation makes a better robot coach than Mike Tice."

Minnesota can't stop the run. And they surely can't stop Michael Vick.

Falcons win, 27-20.

Philadelphia @ Kansas City

Shouldn't this be the Monday night game, or, at the very least, the Sunday night game? Shoot, I'd actually go to Mexico to watch this game instead of tuning in Sunday night to watch the 49ers and Cardinals from Mexico.

The balance of power definitely resides in the AFC, and the Eagles will look to win this one for conference pride.

"What?" says Terrell Owens. "Conference pride? Nobody cares about that. This one is all about personal glory. I've heard about this 'improved' Chiefs' defense. I'll have to see it to believe it."

The K.C. defense got rolled by the Broncos on Monday night, giving up 221 yards rushing, while only managing 74 yards on the ground themselves. They won't give up that many to the Eagles, and they are likely to rack up more than 74. Will that be enough to conquer the Eagles?

"That all depends on Donovan McNabb's injury situation," says Philly coach Andy Reid. "He's quite banged up now with a chest bruise, abdominal strain, and a contused shin."

"Yeah," says McNabb, "the heck with the trainer. I need to see a mortician."

Regardless of his injuries, McNabb will play, and the Eagles will score enough. The Chiefs will score as well, and their offensive line should open some holes against a somewhat undersized Eagles' defensive line. But Owens gives the Eagles a big edge in the wide receiver department. Owens scores a TD, as does Brian Westbrook, and McNabb survives to play another day. A Philly field goal that bounces off a defender's helmet and hits the crossbar wins it.

Eagles win, 29-27.

San Francisco @ Arizona

I can hear the Mexican announcer now, right after San Francisco's Joe Nedney nails a kick from 53 yards out to give the 49ers and early 3-0 lead: The kick is up, it's good. Field goooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaa-aaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! And over 100,000 Mexican fans packed into Azteca Stadium cheer wildly, and have no reason why they are doing so.

I must commend the NFL for scheduling the 49ers and Cardinals in an attempt to impress the Mexican contingent. The Mexican people are used to seeing 2-1 soccer games, so when the two worst scoring defenses in the league square off, there is bound to be offense.

"And confusion," says Arizona head coach Dennis Green. "In soccer, they've got yellow cards, red cards, and offsides. In football, we've got yellow flags, red flags, and offsides. Let's face it. American football will never catch on in Mexico. And soccer will never match football for popularity in America. I think it's clear that the only sport that appeals to Mexicans and Americans equally is cockfighting."

The Cardinals open the game with a 75-yard scoring bomb to Anquan Boldin from Josh McCown. But the NFL's decision to use hometown referees backfires when Boldin is cited for "handball." An irate Green throws his red flag to challenge the call, but is then red-carded by an official and ejected, meaning he will have to sit out Arizona's next World Cup qualifier. For the handball, the 49ers are awarded a penalty kick, and San Fran kicker Joe Nedney beats goalie (and running back Marcel Shipp) to the upper left post, giving the 49ers a 3-0 or 1-nil lead, depending on your nationality.

The 49ers never look back, and win 29-24.

Green Bay @ Carolina

For the second time this year, the Panthers lost on a field goal with seconds left. In Week 1, New Orleans' John Carney hit the game-winner; this time, Olindo Mare's 32-yarder with seven seconds left spelled Carolina's doom.

"And give the assist to Jake Delhomme on that one," says Panthers' coach John Fox. "He really led Miami's Lance Schulters nicely on that one, and put it right on the numbers. No one ever said Jake didn't throw a catchable ball."

Like Delhomme, Brett Favre is a gunslinger, not afraid to throw in to triple-coverage if the inch or two opening is there. Some have questioned Favre's ability, at age 35, to deal with the mental and physical rigors of quarterbacking professionally.

"I don't really listen to what people have to say in that regard," says Favre. "Especially when it's coming from the mouth of Michael Irvin. I would listen, if I could understand what he's saying, but I can't. I think his mouth is too big for his pea-sized head to handle. As long as I have an arm and a body attached to it, I'll be playing."

So when Delhomme and Favre line up for a Monday night duel, one thing is bound to happen: each will shoot himself in the foot. But Delhomme's Panthers have a decent running game and a defense that often can cover for its quarterback's mistakes. Favre has neither, so it's all on his shoulders.

The Packers can't stop wide receiver Steve Smith, who catches a touchdown pass, and Stephen Davis scores on his specialty, the one-yard run. Favre throws 45 times to keep the Pack in it, but two interceptions don't help.

Carolina wins, 31-21.