The Teachings of Jeremy Shockey

Dave Zirin, whose columns have appeared on Sports Central and SportsFan Magazine and who is one hell of a good sportswriter, recently had a book published called "What's My Name, Fool! Sports and Resistance in the United States."

It chronicles and analyzes athletes that refuse to push their personal beliefs and politics into the background for the sake of achieving the homogeneity that's mandatory in today's corporately-enslaved sports world. We're talking Muhammad Ali; John Carlos, giving the black power salute; and Toni Smith, the women's basketball player who turned her back on the American flag as an anti-war protest.

These aren't athletes who speak out of turn in order to sell a few more jerseys with their names on the back, or to get some extra face time on that evening's SportsCenter. These are strong-willed activists who want to use whatever celebrity is bestowed upon them because of their athletic prowess as a way to enlighten, educate, and liberate the masses.

These radical visionaries don't come around very often nowadays. When there is someone willing to let his or her extraordinary voice be heard, we better damn well listen.

And that's why it's time to pay attention to a modern day sports prophet: New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey.

Okay, so he's not the sharpest spike on the cleat. He's just this big lunkhead from some place called Ada, Oklahoma, which, I'm guessing, has a Dairy Queen that gets mighty busy every Saturday night.

You don't need to be cerebral to play tight end. They're not throwing the ball. They're hardly running any passing routes that would require much memorization. Block in the trenches, plow through guys, or drag them behind you into the end zone — this isn't exactly Ken Jennings territory, people.

But he is a visionary, someone trying to lead us all down the right path in life. And he's accomplishing this with a radical message:

"Don't do as I say, and don't do as I do."

Remember when The Prophet Jeremy first edified the populace with his missive on homosexuality? It was Sept. 10, 2002, and Shockey was making an appearance on The Howard Stern Show. He was asked if there were many gay players in the NFL. "I don't know, I don't like to think about that. I hope not," he answered. "I mean, if I knew there was a gay guy on my college football team, I probably wouldn't, you know, stand for it."

Stand for it? "You know, I think, you know, they're going to be in the shower with us and stuff, so I don't think that's gonna work. That's not gonna work, you know?" said Shockey, who was 22-years-old at the time.

He was quickly blasted for his views by the media, and the Giants distanced themselves from them, as well. But Shockey's point wasn't lost on me: even in a setting where intolerance provides the fuel for satire, bigotry should never find a safe haven. "The show is at 7:30 in the morning and it's just to entertain people that just wake up," said Shockey in an interview after the incident. "I definitely wouldn't say anything like that on a more serious show, like 20/20. So I guess you could say it was a mistake on my part and I'm not prejudiced against anybody's beliefs."

Remember that next time you think you're making a "safe joke" on the golf course.

Fast forward to this football season, and The Prophet Jeremy has once again alerted the slumbering masses to another social injustice — one that affects millions of Americans every single day:

Express Checkout Line Abuse.

Shockey has been tapped by Swanson frozen foods as one of several NFL spokesmen for a Hungry-Man dinner ad campaign. In his commercial, Jeremy clogs up the Express Lane in a supermarket checkout with a mountain of frozen dinners. The other customers complain, and Shockey responds by claiming that, since they're all Hungry-Man meals, it is in fact just "one item."

That sound you hear is me, standing on my chair, applauding Jeremy Shockey. Applauding his bravery. Applauding his compassion. Applauding his decision to finally — through his own ironic comedic example, playing the fool to smarten us all up — show these supermarket S.O.B.'s that 10 items or less means 10 items or less!

The world is divided into two types of people. Think about the old kindergarten math scenario: "Johnny has two apples. Jane has two oranges." Half of us would look at that and say, "Together, they have four items." The rest of us look at that and say, "Together, they have fruit. One fruit."

I just had a Shockey-like situation the other day. I ran into the local snobby organic market to pick up a container of Parmesan cheese — one item. I hopped on the 10-items-or-less line. In front of me was this guy who proceeded to place no less than 25 jars of baby food on the belt, and then added two magazines. Clearly, the jars are 25 different items — they're not in a case, or in a bag. But he's thinking, "It's all baby food." Yeah, save for the fact that some are mashed carrots and some are mashed peas and some are mashed bananas.

"But they're all the same brand." Yeah, and that's like saying if I have a Matrix parked next to a Prius, it's still one car because they're both Toyotas.

(At this point, I have to wonder why more cashiers don't police their lines. Why not just tell the person dropping half the store on the express lane conveyor belt to politely move their butt to a regulation line? Is someone who so pressed for time they'd piss all over procedure suddenly going to take their business elsewhere if you simply call them on their idiocy?)

The brilliance of Shockey's ad campaign is how it challenges us to discover what motivates these cheaters. The obvious answer in the commercial is that Shockey's a moron who actually thinks 20 frozen dinners are one item, like grapes on a stem.

But remember his hidden mantra: "Don't do as I say, and don't do as I do."

Shockey knows exactly what he's doing, just like he knew exactly what he was doing back on the Stern show. He's guiding us to a happy life, so long as we're not following his lead. I fully expect his next 10 years to involve at least one huge contract dispute, a DUI, and perhaps even a pass at Suzy Kolber in a postgame interview.

Either way, he's once again instigated a national debate on a topic that needs discussion and, eventually, resolution.

From avoiding hungry men to eating Hungry-Man, if Shockey's talking, I'm listening.

Warriors ... Come Out and Skaaaaate!

Is it possible that the NHL has already failed its first post-lockout marketing test?

(Okay, second test; the league already botched the unveiling of super-rookie Sidney Crosby, who should have been treated like a unicorn, but was instead handled like a show pony.)

The League, under the guidance of alleged marketing genius Gary Bettman, revealed its new ad campaign (Windows Media required), which appears to be based around the concept of hockey-player-as-samurai-warrior. (If the video doesn't play, head over to NHL.com and find a version that does.)

While I applaud the League for finally embracing the physical brutality of the sport in its marketing (love those war drums), I have to wonder what, exactly, it intends to sell by having a chick in a sheer nightie putting pads on some kid who looks like Kirk Muller. Because I don't expect to see either of them when I tune into OLN this season.

And how can the NHL compare its players to the most honorable warriors in history when it refuses them the right to defend their honor with that damn instigator rule?

The ad begins with a Sun Tzu quote about clever warriors winning with ease. Here's another quote that the NHL might want to pay attention to: "Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory."

But hey, maybe this samurai hockey player thing ain't so bad.

Does this mean that if the Kings lose a game, there's a chance Jeremy Roenick might do the honorable thing and impale himself on his own sword?

Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" will be published in Spring 2006. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].