The quotes in this article are fictional.
Atlanta @ Buffalo
In Week 1, J. P. Losman watched in glee as Houston's David Carr was thrown to the wolves, the wolves being the Buffalo defense. Last week, Losman found himself in the shoes of Carr, as he played sacrificial lamb to the Tampa Bay defense's wolves, managing to complete only 12 of 29 passes for 113 yards.
"It's like those Buccaneers had been at sea for six months without any other human contact," says Losman. "It's not good to be a sheep in that situation."
Luckily for the Bills, backup quarterback Kelly Holcomb entered the game and completed two of three passes, a much higher completion percentage than Losman's, albeit for only negative one yard.
"I think the Bucs called that a 'second helping,'" says Buffalo coach Mike Mularkey.
Like the Bills, tha Falcons suffered their first defeat, losing at Seattle after an emotional Monday night win against the Eagles. In the loss, Falcons' quarterback Michael Vick suffered a hamstring injury on a fourth quarter run.
"Imagine that," says Atlanta head coach Jim Mora. "Vick running the ball. What do you expect? He's only got one legitimate receiving threat, Alge Crumpler, who's a tight end named after pond scum."
If Vick is out, the Falcons are in trouble. If Vick does play, the Falcons are still in trouble. The Bills' cornerbacks can stop Atlanta's wideouts one on one, leaving the rest of the defense to stuff the box, and the Bills' speedy linebackers will neutralize Vick and the Falcon running game.
Willis McGahee rushes for his first touchdown of the year, and Buffalo wins, 20-10.
Carolina @ Miami
The Panthers whipped the the defending champion Patriots 27-17, making New England look ordinary at best while holding them to only 39 yards rushing and forcing three turnovers. The Panthers got three one-yard touchdown runs from Stephen Davis, who otherwise rushed for 74 yards on 22 carries.
"It's a good thing Stephen can fall into the end zone over a pile of bodies," says Carolina coach John Fox, "because we sure couldn't pass the ball worth a flip. They may call Jake Delhomme the 'Rajun Cajun,' but he played like the 'Bayou Bozo.'"
The Dolphins returned to form after their Week 1 upset of the Broncos. And by "returning to form," I don't mean they simply lost. I mean, they lost despite a great game from their defense, which held the Jets to 17 points.
"That's 17 points," says Miami linebacker Zack Thomas, "but when you take into account the 'Frerotte Factor,' it's more like 24 points. When your name is 'Gus' and you're not as well-known as Disney's Gus, The Kicking Donkey, then you've got problems. Therefore, we've got problems."
Quarterback play will be important to the outcome of this game. That statement is about as obvious as John Madden analysis. So, I'll be more specific. The team with the most error-prone quarterback will lose. That's likely to be Frerotte, who doesn't have the security of a solid running game that Delhomme has. Like many teams, Miami's defense will keep it close, but when they need a score most, the offense sputters. Davis records another four inch TD plunge, and the Panthers post a tough, 19-12 win.
Cincinnati @ Chicago
Of the 12 interceptions thrown by NFC North quarterbacks last Sunday, none came from the arm of Bears' rookie Kyle Orton. Of course, when your defense is responsible for five of those twelve, and scoring on one, do you really need to pass?
"No, not at all," says Orton. "When we're playing the Lions and Joey Harrington, my responsibility as a quarterback is to throw a few third-down incompletions and get the offense off the field ASAP, thereby allowing the defense to take the field. If they don't score outright, then, at worst, they put the offense in position for a few easy rush touchdowns. Quarterbacking is easy when you don't have to pass."
The Bengals, 2-0 after waxing the Vikings 37-8, are finally living up to expectations and are tied with the Steelers atop the AFC North. Cincy racked up 504 total yards, including 337 passing yards from Carson Palmer.
"Last year," says Palmer, "we would have lost this game, 41-37. Last year, the Vikings' defense flat-out sucked, but their offense always bailed them out. This year, their defense flat-out sucks, and their offense flat-out sucks more."
There are parallels galore in this game. Bengals' coach Marvin Lewis won a Super Bowl with the Ravens as defensive coordinator. Bears' coach Lovie Smith was defensive coordinator for the Rams in their Super Bowl winning year of 2000. Both teams grabbed five interceptions last week. And, finally, Cincinnati and Chicago begin with a "C," and Bengals and Bears both begin with a "B."
"And here's one more," says Smith. "None of that crap means jack squat! Why don't you give me some in-depth analysis, like third-down efficiency, blitz packages, and red zone tendencies?"
Hey Lovie, here's all the analysis you need when you're dealing with the Bengals: you have to keep up with the Johnson's, Rudi, Chad, and occasionally Jeremi. And don't forget the Houshmanzedah.
"Man, I don't even like Indian food," replies Smith.
I mean "T. J." Houshmanzedah. That guy is hard to handle, and it's even tougher to find his name in the phone book.
Once again, the Bears' defense keeps them in the game, allowing them to run the ball and keep the pressure off of Orton. But Cincy has too many weapons to hold down for an entire game. Rudi Johnson rushes for 124 yards on 27 carries, and Palmer offsets two interceptions with two touchdown passes.
Bengals win, 23-21.Cleveland @ Indianapolis
Try this trick on a friend: wait until said friend has a mouthful of food, then say, "The Colts have the NFL's No. 1-ranked scoring defense." When they choke on their food, administer the Heimlich maneuver and save their life. Not only will you have informed them of an interesting football fact, they will also owe you a lifetime debt, which you could have them pay off instantly or in convenient monthly installments.
"I think I'll try that on Mike Vanderjagt," says Peyton Manning. "Instead of the Heimlich, I'll just let him put his foot in his mouth, which he's been known to do on occasion."
Indeed, the Colts are surrendering an average of five points a game, which comes in handy when your offense in averaging only 17 a game. And Manning has only thrown for two touchdowns this year.
"That means he'll have to average over three touchdown passes for the remaining fourteen games to reach his NFL record of 49," explains Cleveland head coach Romeo Crenel. "By the way, don't you think Butch Davis is a much better expert analyst on the NFL Network's Playbook than he was coach of the Browns? He really knows his X's and O's. Apparently, he can explain them to civilians much better than he can to actual players."
The hot Cleveland offense, led by Trent Dilfer, doubles up on the Indy defense's scoring average, exploding for 10 points. Manning and the offense play more like a team that has to score 31 points, as opposed to 11. Three TD passes later, one each to Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, and Edgerrin James, the Colts register a 30-10 win.
Jacksonville @ N.Y. Jets
It's former Marshall quarterback versus former Marshall quarterback, and Byron Leftwich and the Jags face off against Chad Pennington and the Jets. The cannon-armed Leftwich, who took a beating against the Colts, squares off against the velocity-challenged Pennington, who never met a deep out he couldn't short-arm. You may have seen Pennington last Monday taking phone calls for Hurricane Katrina relief. If you didn't notice, he was the guy wearing a headset because his arm was too weak to lift a phone.
"That's was me during a break," says Pennington, "reading my favorite book, A Farewell to Arms."
Last week, the Jags hung tough against Indy, losing 10-3, a loss, no less, but also known as a 'moral victory.'
"Hey!" says Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio. "We don't speak of moral victories! You either win, lose, or tie. There's is no 'moral' in the equation. Do I look like Aesop? Do I look like a guy that will tell you some fable with some silly lesson? No! I'm Jack Del Rio! If I tell you a story, the moral of that story will be this: don't make Jack del Rio tell you a story, because the moral will always be Jack del Rio feeding you a knuckle sandwich."
Settle down, Jack Del Rio. I understand it was a tough loss, with the Colts being your main division rival. But don't worry. Your guys always play their hearts out for you, Jack Del Rio.
"Unless we're playing the Texans at home," says Del Rio, "and our playoff hopes are riding on a win. That was the case last year, and we lost 21-0."
Injuries will play a role in this game. Jets' RB Curtis Martin strained his knee last week, while Jags' safety Donovin Darius is out for the season with a torn ACL. Martin is questionable, but, even should he play, he will find little room to run against the Jags. The same goes for Jacksonville running back Fred Taylor. It will come down to quarterbacks — Leftwich can throw farther, so the edge goes to the Jags. Josh Scobee wins it with a late field goal, and Jacksonville wins, 17-14.
New Orleans @ Minnesota
Check the NFC passer ratings, and guess who you will find at the bottom?
"I'll take a guess!" says Daunte Culpepper. "Ahhh, Joey Harrington?!"
Wrong! And if that was your third strike on the game show Family Feud, the opposing team could "steal," or should I say "intercept" your points. "Intercept" is a concept you should be quite familiar with, having thrown eight in only two games. But good guess, though. Harrington's just in front of you, with a 52.3 rating to your 41.6. And he threw five INTs last Sunday, just like you.
Culpepper was quite upset with his performance against the Bengals. So upset, that he had to call someone for comfort. Did he call his parents? Nope. His minister? Nope. Did he call 9-1-1? Nope. He, in fact, called Randy Moss.
"Randy put me on speaker phone," says Culpeppper, "and had his new teammates sing the Raider fight song. Then Kerry Collins told me how nice it was to have Randy in the lineup. That's when I broke down in tears."
The Saints were pasted 27-10 last Monday by the Giants, mainly because New York jumped to an early lead, forcing the Saints to abandon the run game and making Deuce McAllister a non-factor. McAllister should find room to run against Minnesota's NFL-worst rushing defense, and Joe Horn is always open. Until the Vikings' offense proves they can score, they can't win.
New Orleans wins, 26-14.
Vikings' coach Mike Tice awakens the next morning with a chopping block next to his pillow.
Oakland @ Philadelphia
This may be the most-watched game of the week. Why? Because it's a rematch of Super Bowl XV, when the Raiders beat the Eagles? Or, because the game pits two teams with the most passionate (or insane, depending on your tolerance of the actions of fans who like to drink and fight, or wear spiked shoulder pads and skeleton masks) fans in the NFL? Well, if you could put the Eagles' fans and the Raiders' fans in a cage, then I'd rather see that. But if not, I'll be watching for Terrell Owens versus Randy Moss. The "Brother From Another Planet" versus "Mad Skillz." "Big Mouth versus "Big Hair." "T.O." versus the "Mo Fo."
"Whoever said the quarterback makes the receiver is a fool," says Moss. "Look at Daunte Culpepper."
"Look at Jeff Garcia," Owens responds. "It's a fact. It's written. The receiver makes the quarterback."
Moss and Owens have almost identical statistics: Owens has 12 catches, Moss 10. Moss has 257 yards, Owens 255. And they both have two long touchdowns apiece. The last time these two met in 2003, Moss was riding high with the Vikings, while Owens was in meltdown mode with the 49ers. Needless to say, Moss got the upper hand in that one.
This time, Owens is with the better team, a team equipped to contain Moss. Owens, along with RB Brian Westbrook, will get open. Moss and Owens love a stage on which to perform, and they don't let down. Owens scores two touchdowns, and Moss catches a short TD pass from Collins just before the half. As the end of the third quarter approaches, the 68,000 fans in attendance at Lincoln Financial Field collectively moon Moss.
"Man, a brother can't even get any love in the City of Bro' Love," says Moss, as he walks off the field with 1:33 remaining in the third.
Eagles win, 30-17.
Tampa Bay @ Green Bay
Are the Packers in trouble? On a day when Brett Favre joined Dan Marino and John Elway as the only men to pass for 50,000 yards, Green Bay lost to Cleveland 26-24 and fell to 0-2 in the NFC North. And guess who's coming to town? The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the league's No. 1-rated defense.
"Do I look worried?" says Brett Favre, twirling his six-shooters. "We don't fear the Bucs. We just hate them. Sure, they've got a tough defense, anchored by No. 1 nice guy Derrick Brooks. But as long as I'm under center and the pain killers have kicked in, we can play with anyone. I might throw four interceptions, but I'll still be throwing."
The Bucs are 2-0, and their defense is as fearsome as it was a few years back, when Warren Sapp was laying cheap shots on unsuspecting lineman. Sapp is gone — now the interior defensive line is led by Anthony "Booger" McFarland. It's quite a funny moment when, before the coin toss, McFarland and Packer tight end Bubba Franks are officially introduced by Favre.
"Booger. Bubba. Bubba. Booger," says Favre, as McFarland and Franks shake hands.
The pleasantries end at kickoff. The Bucs immediately attack with the league's leading rusher, Cadillac Willaims, whose early yards set up a Brian Griese to Michael Clayton touchdown pass. A Favre turnover leads to another score, and the Bucs are up early, 14-0. Favre then takes to the air, throwing 42 times to try to keep the Pack in it. It's too much to overcome, and Tampa maintains a safe cushion all day.
The Bucs improve to 3-0 with a 32-18 win.
Tennessee @ St. Louis
Last week, the Titans smothered former division rival Baltimore, and this Sunday, they will look to avenge their Super Bowl XXXV defeat at the hands of the Rams.
"Brian Billick won't stop yapping about how defense wins championships," says Titans' mustached leader Jeff Fisher. "In the Ravens' case, their defense can't win games, much less championships. They didn't win their Super Bowl with defense, they won it with a quarterback, Trent Dilfer, who played mistake-free and made the big throw. Look at Dilfer now in Cleveland. I bet the Ravens wish they still had him. Instead, they've got Kyle Boller and Anthony Wright from which to choose. That's like choosing a manner of death, with your only choices being the electric chair and firing squad."
Tennessee improved to 1-1, and single-handedly outscored the rest of the AFC South last Sunday, 25-20 (10 by Indy, 3 by Jacksonville, and 7 by Houston).
"Shouldn't that be worth three wins?" asks Fisher. "Or at the very least, $5 off to the Grand Ole Opry?"
The Titans totally shut down the Baltimore offense last week, which takes very little effort. This week, the task will be decidedly more difficult against the Rams, who boast talent and an unusual knack for not using that talent to its fullest potential. Last week, St. Louis eeked out a win in Arizona when the Cardinals, in the red zone with time running down, commited a penalty resulting in a 10-second runoff. Time expired. Game over.
"I never was worried," says Rams' coach Mike Martz. "As long as I'm not making decisions, we're fine. When left in the hands of the other team, we win. It's when I try to make some brilliant strategical move that we fail."
Win or lose, the Rams are always out-coached. This game is no exception. Fisher's young troops play inspired, frustrating the Rams for four quarters. The Rams have trouble in the red zone, but Marc Bulger finds Torry Holt for a late fourth-quarter TD.
Rams win, 27-20.
Arizona @ Seattle
Arizona is 0-2, dead-last in the NFC West, and coach Dennis Green is not happy.
"Yeah, what's going on here?" asks Green. "We're in last and I'm the only head coach in this division not named 'Mike.' Sounds like some kind of conspiracy by the Mike's to hold the non-Mike's down. In fact, league-wide, there are way too many coaches named 'Mike,' seven by my count. Is it any coincidence that ESPN's top-rated morning radio show is 'Mike and Mike in the Morning?' I think not."
Nobody ever said Dennis didn't march to the beat of his own drum.
Seattle won for the first time this season, beating the Falcons 21-18 by jumping out to an early 21-0 lead and holding off a late Atlanta charge. As is usually the case with the Seahawks, they are still plagued by inconsistency. Twenty-one points in a the first half, then none in the second.
"Hey, I thought we were playing 'Black Jack,' says coach Mike Holgren. "We had 21. My 'hold or hit' cheat sheet says 'hold' on 21. Luckily, the Falcons didn't draw a three; otherwise, we would have been in trouble."
Once again, the Seahawks come out blazing, and the Cards are stunned by the sixty-degree weather in Seattle, which is about forty degrees cooler than Phoenix.
"Gosh, it's freezing out here," says Arizona wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald. "I better put on another layer of Under Armour."
Once the Cardinals warm up, they stage a late comeback, but Kurt Warner spikes the ball to kill the clock, not realizing it was fourth down. Shaun Alexander has a big day, with two TDs, and the Seahawks prevail, 29-24.
Dallas @ San Francisco
After Week 1's emotional upset of St. Louis, the 49ers came crashing back down to Earth, landing with a thud that sounded much like the noise made when thousands of people collectively jump off of a bandwagon. San Fran was presented a hard lesson by the Eagles: don't come to Philly expecting a win, especially after a loss by the Eagles. The Eagles held the 49ers to 142 total yards and only eight first downs.
"But look on the bright side," says 'Frisco coach Mike Nolan. "Our 131 yards in kickoff returns almost matched our total yards. I'd say that's something to build upon."
Last Monday, the Cowboys were less than four minutes away from going 2-0, until Santana Moss somehow slipped behind the Dallas defense twice for two long touchdown passes from Mark Brunell.
"Brunell may have lost some velocity," explains Dallas safety Roy Williams, "but his change-up is top notch. He fooled me. I didn't think he could throw it that far. And that Santana Moss is da bomb. Now I've got to listen to a week's worth of constructive beration from Coach Parcells."
The 49ers antagonize the Cowboys further by having Hall of Famers Joe Montana and Dwight Clark on the field during warm-ups, reliving "The Catch" from the 1982 NFC Championship game. Montana and Clark run the play about twelve times, until Parcells sends Williams out to "put a helmet" on Clark. Williams makes his move, but is stopped just before drilling Clark by former 49er great Ronnie Lott, who takes Williams down despite having only half a pinky finger on his left hand.
Once the pre-game fireworks settle, the Cowboys work Julius Jones away from the side of left outside linebacker Julian Peterson. Drew Bledsoe, the NFC's highest-rated passer, for now, picks apart the San Fran secondary. Dallas' Doomsday Defense, version 2.0, makes life miserable for Tim Rattay.
The Cowboys win, 20-7.
New England @ Pittsburgh
After two-straight 100-yard, one touchdown rushing games, what could be next for Willie Parker, the second-year back who's filled in admirably for the injured Duce Staley and Jerome Bettis.
"I'll tell you what's next," says Parker. "It's called 'contract holdout.' I'm making peanuts, while Bettis and Staley stand on the sidelines in their t-shirts and hats looking crippled and all. I'm doing all the work, and they can go sign autographs at a car dealership and make more than I do for taking the hits. I want a raise!"
"Consider it done, Willie," says Steelers coach Bill Cowher. "How does $2 more an hour sound?"
"I'll take it!" replies Parker.
The Steelers are looking a lot like the team that last year went 15-1 and hosted the AFC Championship. Cowher-ball is clicking, with the running game producing, QB Ben Roethlisberger making all the right throws, and the defense dominanting. Last week, the Steelers sacked the Texans' David Carr eight times, with three of those by safety Troy Polamalu, which ties him for the league lead. Polamalu does, however, lead the league all by himself in one category: hair.
The Steelers would like for Sunday's game to go just like it did last year on Halloween, the Pats' and Steelers' last regular season meeting. In that game, the Steelers dominated from the outset, taking an early lead and forcing New England out of their normal game plan of running to set up the pass. Pittsburgh won easily. This time, look for New England to come out passing to avoid obvious blitzing situations. It works, temporarily, as the Pats score first on a Tom Brady to Deion Branch pass. But the Steelers quickly adjust, and resort to Willie Parker runs and Ben Roethlisberger rollouts for easy completions. The Steelers get the lead, then hold it for dear life.
Pittsburgh wins a slugfest, 20-16.
N.Y. Giants @ San Diego
The Chargers dropped their second straight close game, falling 20-17 to Denver on Jason Elam's field goal with five seconds left. San Diego now shares the AFC West cellar with the Raiders.
"And man does it stink," says Charger coach Marty Schottenheimer. "Any time you're that close to the Raiders, the stench is overwhelming. We're not discouraged by our position, though. It's early, and we're encouraged by our Major League Baseball brethren, the Padres, who could be two games below .500 and still win their division."
On the other hand, the G-Men are 2-0, lording over the NFC East along with the Redskins. New York has outscored their opponents by an average of 20 points. Despite all those good things, coach Tom Coughlin is still perturbed, looking like he's passing a ping pong ball-sized kidney stone. But, has anyone ever seen Coughlin smile? Does he even have teeth? Coughlin has supplanted Tampa's John Gruden as the coach most likely to be seen mouthing curse words on camera.
Anyway, the Giants are rolling, and Eli Manning looks comfortable running the show, although he looks a little goofy sporting the bowl cut, which is the same style he's worn since he was six, I'm sure. Manning is looking for Plaxico Burress more often, and the Tiki Barber/Brandon Jacobs rush combo is hard to stop. But the Chargers will be gunning for Manning, who said before the 2004 draft that he didn't want to play for the Chargers.
"Hey, John Elway did it," says Manning. "Why can't I? And don't tell me I made the wrong decision. I'm starting in New York. Philip Rivers is back-up to Drew Brees. That's like being third string."
The G-Men bottle up LaDainian Tomlinson, and Manning throws for two TDs.
New York wins in an upset, 23-21.
Kansas City @ Denver
Everyone is saying the Chiefs are winning with defense. Not true. As usual, they are winning with offense, namely the 'Priest and Larry Show." No, that's not a new addition to the FOX Network's animated Sunday lineup. It's the backfield tandem of Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson, who have combined for five touchdowns in two games.
"The offense is doing a great job, as usual," says Chiefs' coach Dick Vermeil. "And the defense is playing well, also. They're not complaining that the Jets handed them a handful of fumbles, nor are they complaining that the Raiders can't go two plays without committing a penalty."
Denver rebounded from Week 1's stunning loss to Miami with a huge division win over San Diego. Should the Broncos win Sunday, they would have two division wins over their chief competition in the West. A win would be even bigger for the Chiefs, giving them two road wins over division opponents, and at least two games up on each team in the West.
"Sure, it's a big game for us," says Denver coach Mike Shanahan, lounging in his office while wearing his John Elway jersey and nothing else. "But I thrive on big games. Unfortunately, my quarterback, Jake Plummer, does not. His spine turns to jelly in games like this. But at least we're at Mile High, and I'm praying for a September blizzard to slow the Chiefs down."
The Chiefs just have too many weapons for the Broncos to stop. They may slow the K.C. run game a bit, but QB Trent Green is set to bust loose after zero TD passes in his first two games. The Denver rushing attack is unsettled, with Mike Anderson and Tatum Bell battling injuries, and cornerback Champ Bailey will play suffering from the effects of a dislocated shoulder.
Kansas City wins, 24-19.
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