Are You Ready to Get Shaq’d?

One night last week, a gay couple was walking down the sidewalk. A homophobe in a passing car began to shout anti-gay slurs at the couple. As if he couldn't get his point across with his verbal harassment, he got out of his car and threw a bottle at the couple. The homophobe would have made a clean getaway if only he didn't run into Miami's biggest superhero, Shaquille O'Neal.

O'Neal, the NBA star and Miami Beach reserve officer in training, trailed the homophobe and flagged down an officer who made the arrest. With his actions, Shaq became more than a basketball player — he became a guardian of justice. He became more than a basketball champion — he became a champion of the people. The AP story mentioned that Shaq has already been fitted for his police uniform, but they should probably skip straight to the cape.

From my viewpoint, this is one of the best stories in sports lately. Let's be honest, there are a lot of stupid people in the world, a lot of morons like this guy from Miami. Frankly, we need someone to knock some heads around, someone who won't take crap, and someone who is as massive as Shaq. The possibilities of this situation are endless.

For instance, consider the following scenario. The Miami Heat has a huge home game coming up against the Portland Trailblazers. Now the Blazers, doing what they do to get mentally ready the day before a big game, are doing their best Onterrio Smith and Ricky Williams impersonations. Not only that, but they were probably smoking some marijuana, too. (See, you see what I did there? You were thinking that they were doing impersonations of Williams and Smith by smoking marijuana, but what I did, this is the tricky part, is added that they were also smoking marijuana, so they were actually doing real impersonations of the voices and mannerisms of Williams and Smith. Yep, that was great.)

So what happens? They just happened to get arrested by the local constable, one Shaquille O'Neal, and can't play in the game.

Shaq also can use his powers to exert control over officials. Think Shaq would ever get in foul trouble again? He might, once, until he pulls over the head referee after the game and hits him with a "speeding" ticket. His presence alone would probably cause any official in the league to fail a field sobriety test (who could walk a straight line with Shaq breathing down their neck?). I'm sure he could even find a way to throw in a little criminal mischief charge just to make sure the officials learned their lesson.

He could also abuse his position to gain power over his teammates. Practical jokes could hit a whole new level. More important than that, Miami Beach would officially be a Kobe-free zone, or would be once Kobe got the message he wasn't welcome after Shaq hits him up with about a dozen parking violations. The only problem is I'm not convinced that Shaq is that big of a jerk.

That being said, this can still be a very memorable situation. I think it's pretty clear what needs to happen — Shaq in his own reality show. It would be a cross between "Punk'd" and "Cops," maybe something like "Shaq'd." The premise is fairly clear — like "Cops," Shaq would go around enforcing the law and delivering justice. The "Punk'd" part comes in with the production values.

The first thing he needs is his own entrance music (he would need to have original theme music produced, but for the sake of argument, he could use the theme music from WWE star Big Show until it's ready). No entrance is complete without some pyrotechnics, so every time Shaq arrives on scene, there would be some random explosions and fireworks.

I could be the only one who sees any value in this, but it could be something special. Imagine a common thief holding up a liquor store at gunpoint, the clerk cowering in the corner, the thief counting his cash as he heads for the door, and then BOOM! Shaq's music hits, the thug starts to tremble, and Shaq makes his grand entrance and delivers justice in a way only he can.

The bottom line is that Shaq has taken the first step to superhero status. Hopefully, he uses his new position in an entertaining fashion, but even if he doesn't end up on TV or abusing his authority to abuse Kobe Bryant, he is still going to do his best to clean up the world, one moron at a time.

The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, Rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].