NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 2

The quotes in this article are fictional.

Baltimore @ Tennessee

The Ravens lost their season-opener last year, then came out in Week 2 and blistered the Steelers 30-13. After going down in Week 1 to the Colts, can the Ravens respond and get back to .500?

"You bet," says linebacker Ray Lewis. "We own the Titans. I remember the good old days when I would blow up Eddie George with a big hit. Now, they've got another running back with two first names, Travis Henry, whom I plan on blowing up in the same manner."

The Titans probably won't score against the Ravens' defense, but they do have one thing going in their favor: they also play the Ravens' offense, which may present their best chance to score. Anthony Wright will take over at QB for the Ravens, in for the injured Kyle Boller, suffering from a hyper-extended right big toe.

"I recall fondly, as a kid," says Titans' coach Jeff Fisher, "when my dad would hyperextend my big toe playing the 'This Little Piggy Went to Market' game. I don't recall it hurting, and I'm pretty sure I didn't miss a football game, or a game of 'Kick the Can,' for that matter, because of it."

"Are you saying my guy isn't tough?!" yells Ravens' coach Brian Billick.

"No, Brian," replies Fisher. "I'm saying that if Boller wants to sit one out, he should do so in true Ravens' fashion: commit a crime and get suspended by the league."

"Look, Fish," says Billick, "the only criminal behavior Kyle is capable of is quarterbacking. So, he is what we would call a 'hardened criminal.'"

The Baltimore defense comes out blazing, and score the Ravens' first TD. Tennessee can muster no semblance of offense, and the Ravens win, 24-6.

Buffalo @ Tampa Bay

While Buffalo was manhandling Houston last week, forcing five turnovers and sacking a helpless David Carr five times, the Bucs were giving the Vikings much the same treatment. Tampa Bay picked off Daunte Culpepper three times and forced two fumbles, while allowing the Minnesota rushing attack only 26 yards on 16 carries.

On offense, Tampa rookie Carnell "Cadillac" Williams rushed for 148 yards, including a 78-yard touchdown run, in making the Vikings backfield look like a car lot full of used Hyundais.

Willis McGahee, in the Bills stylish throwback uniforms, looked a lot like the pre-murderous O.J. Simpson while rushing for 117 yards last week. But he was slightly miffed when he didn't get the ball near the goal line late in the second quarter — quarterback J. P. Losman instead tossed a TD pass to tackle Jason Peters. An upset McGahee was reported to have left the stadium in a white Ford Bronco, driven by someone identified only as "A.C."

Williams and McGahee won't be able to duplicate those numbers this Sunday; defense will determine the winner of this one. Both defenses will stop the run, and it will be up to quarterbacks J.P. Losman and Brian Griese to lead their teams. That's when both offenses will run into problems. Luckily, they both have defenses that can score. And both do. Ultimately, a Matt Bryant field goal is the difference.

Tampa moves to 2-0 with a 17-16 win.

Detroit @ Chicago

When was the last time one could say this about the Lions: they are alone atop the NFC North, and they lead the NFL in scoring defense?

"You mean say that and not be called a liar?" asks Lions' coach Steve Mariucci. "This may be the last and only time I'm able to say that, so I'm going to have that tattooed across my chest."

Wow! We've got the same tattoo.

Quarterback Joey Harrington threw two touchdowns to lead the Lions over the Packers last week, but he wasn't exactly flawless. He only completed 15 of 28 passes, which just happens to be identical to the stats of Chicago QB Kyle Orton.

"But I've got an excuse," says Orton. "Well, actually two. I'm a rookie, and I play for the Bears."

When you're quarterbacking the Bears, it's all about survival. And that's all Orton can do against an improved Lions' defense. But the Bears can defend, as well, especially their home turf, and that keeps them in the game. Lions' running back Kevin Jones seals a Detroit victory with a short TD run late in the fourth. Orton tries to rattle Harrington by wearing a headband with the word "Harrington" printed on it, but Harrington produces a solid, if not spectacular, 180-yard day.

Lions win, 20-13.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

Last year, the Jaguars came into Indianapolis in Week 7 and upset the Colts 27-24. Should they pull that feat off this year, they will be the early leaders in the AFC South. Right, coach Jack Del Rio?

"Let me answer that with the words from the hit Steely Dan song 'Do it Again,'" says Jack Del Rio. "You go back, Jack, do it again. Wheel turnin' 'round and 'round. You go back, Jack, do it again."

Lovely tune there, Jack. But, is that a "yes?"

Indy's Peyton Manning is not worried.

"Jack Del Rio can sing, he can rap, he can yodel for all I care," quips Manning. "The Jags don't scare us. Only one team scares us, and that's the Patriots. So, every game until our November 7th loss, I mean showdown, with the Patriots is a warm-up. We know the Jags have a pretty good defense. But so did the Ravens, and we whipped them. The Colts are here to do two things: win the Super Bowl, and debunk the myth that a good defense beats a good offense. Well, maybe a good defense beats a good offense, but we're a great offense. The Jags go down."

True to his word, Manning passes for three TDs, and the Indy defense contains wide receiver Jimmy Smith to no TDs, but he does record 10 catches.

Colts win, 27-17.

Minnesota @ Cincinnati

The Vikings' Michael Bennett rushed six times last Sunday against the Buccaneers, for a net gain of minus one yard, earning him this week's "Rushing Futility Award."

"Give me a break," says Bennett. "Jerome Bettis had those same numbers in a game last year, and ended up with two touchdowns. But, never fear. The NFL is all about improvement. Sunday, against the Bengals, I plan to reach negative one yard in half the number of carries."

Aim high, young man.

The Bengals opened the season with a 27-13 win at Cleveland, and, as is usual in a Bengal victory, they did it with their Johnsons. Running back Rudi Johnson scored a TD, and Carson Palmer threw two touchdowns, one to wide receiver Jeremi Johnson.

"What?" says Palmer. "That wasn't Chad? Man, I should have something when I didn't notice any gold teeth gleaming back at me. But, on the bright side, the more Johnsons, the better."

The Vikings should find offense a little easier to come by versus the Bengals, at least through the air. They'll need more than the 26 yards rushing they managed against the Bucs. The problems for the Vikes is: who will get those yards? The Bengals know exactly from where their rush yards will come: Rudi! Rudi! Rudi! 100 yards from Rudi opens up the air game for Palmer to throw to the Johnson's and the Houshmanzedah's (well, I guess there is only one of those). But a late, boneheaded interception thrown by Palmer leads to a game-winning Culpepper rush score.

Minnesota win, 31-27. Palmer's desperation hail mary to Johnson, Chad, is broken up.

"So many Johnson's, so little time," quips Palmer.

New England @ Carolina

One game into the season, and the Panthers have already lost defensive tackle Kris Jenkins for the season to a knee injury. Jenkins was lost last year to a shoulder injury, one of several Panthers that fell to injury in 2004. Also injured for the Cats are running back Eric Shelton and safety Colin Branch. Are the Panthers in for a replay of last year?

"Well, there's déjà vu," says Carolina coach John, "and then there's déjà vu winding up and giving you a big kick in the gonads. That's what happened to us. Damn that Sports Illustrated jinx!"

And the Panthers luck doesn't get much better, as they welcome the two-time defending Super Bowl champs to Charlotte, and the Pats are bringing an extra plane just to carry their Super Bowl rings. Pats QB Tom Brady sports three of his own, and his surname is never mispronounced. Carolina QB Jake Delhomme, on the other hand (no pun intended), has no Super Bowl rings, and down South, "Delhomme" is mispronounced in countless ways.

"Heck, some people can't even pronounce 'Jake'" says Delhomme.

With the loss of Jenkins, Carolina's interior defensive line is weakened, and New England coach Bill Belichick has made a living exploiting weaknesses. Expect Corey Dillon to run between inside to later set up play action passes. Carolina can score on the Pats — they proved that in Super Bowl XXXVIII. But they can't score enough to topple the well-balanced Patriot game. Dillon rushes for a score, and Brady throws TD passes to Deion Branch and tight end Ben Watson.

New England wins, 34-25.

Pittsburgh @ Houston

Steeler coach Bill Cowher was pleased with Pittsburgh's Week 1 victory over the Titans. So pleased that he tacked on an extra day off for his troops, giving them Monday and Tuesday off.

"We're running the same game plan this Sunday," says Cowher, "so I figured it will still be fresh in their minds. I looked at our schedule, and I saw that we are playing the Oilers for the second week in a row, so the game plan will remain exactly the same."

Uh, Bill, Tennessee is not the Oilers, although they used to be, and Houston was home of the Oilers, until they moved to Nashville. Now they are the Texans.

"That's confusing," replies Cowher. "So you're saying we're not playing in the Astrodome, and Warren Moon won't be quarterbacking?""

No, Bill, you're playing at a place called Reliant Stadium, where the Texans were 3-5 last year, and the quarterback is David Carr, who's been sacked so much he cringes when his baby daughter runs to hug him.

"Me like," says Cowher.

The Texans are held to seven points for the second straight week. Willie Parker rushes for a score, and Antwaan Randle El tosses a TD pass to Cedric "The Entertainer" Wilson on a double reverse option pass.

The Men of Steel enter the phone booth, and emerge 2-0 with a 23-7 shellacking of the Texans.

San Francisco @ Philadelphia

Who's the happiest man in football right now? Why, it's former 49er great and Notre Dame alumnus Joe Montana, elated to see San Fran alone atop the NFC West standings, and his beloved Fighting Irish No. 10 in the polls.

"And don't forget about the Chiefs," says Montana. "I quarterbacked there, too, you know, and they're by themselves on top in the AFC West. And my backup while I was there, Steve Bono, is now frontman for probably the greatest band in the world right now, U2, and he's quite the humanitarian. It's obvious, everything I touch turns to gold."

San Fran surrendered 405 total yards to St. Louis, but countered with seven sacks and a big punt return TD by Fred Amey to upset the Rams, 28-25. This Sunday, the upset won't be easy against a Philly team stinging from a Monday night defeat in Atlanta. Terrell Owens did not score a TD on Monday night's stage, so he will certainly be looking for a big game.

"It's been about nine months since my last touchdown celebration," Owens comments. "So I'm sitting on a backlog of material that I'm just dying to show my old teammates, who miss me, I'm sure."

Owens and QB Donovan McNabb speak at length before the game, via two tin cans connected by string, and then hook up on the field for 125 yards and a TD. The Eagles' defense, who had trouble containing the runs of Michael Vick, have no such problem with Tim Rattay, who throws two interceptions.

Philadelphia wins, 24-12.

Atlanta @ Seattle

Who planned the Falcons' schedule? Was it someone who enjoys the spectacle of carnivorous birds of prey going talon to talon? First, the Falcons clip the Eagles; this week, they head to Seattle for a Falcon/Seahawk clash.

"Our feathers are ruffled," says Falcon QB Michael Vick. "We're making a name for ourselves in the NFC, as well as among the bird elite. With apologies to our nation's national bird, we really took it to the Eagles. They've pushed us around for the last time."

Indeed, the Falcons protected their turf, and, if the Falcons and Eagles are up for homefield when the playoffs roll around, then Atlanta has the early edge.

Seattle hopes to avoid an 0-2 start, although a two-game deficit in the NFC West can be made up in a matter of, well, two games.

"There's no need to panic," says Seattle's Mike Holmgren. "I'm reading The Worst Case Scenario Handbook right now, and number one on the list is 'falling two games down to San Francisco two games into the season.' The solution: go 8-6 the rest of the way, and we're in the playoffs."

Needless to say, it's a big game for the Seahawks. Have they ever won one of those? They certainly didn't last year. And the trend continues.

Seattle can't stop the Falcons rushing attack, and Vick, Warrick Dunn, and T. J. Duckett combine for 170 yards.

The Falcons' defense is tough again, and Atlanta wins, 27-20.

St. Louis @ Arizona

It's week two of the "Kurt Warner Faces His Ex-Team, Who Would Like Nothing Better Than to Pound Him Into the Turf, and Collect a Few Fumbles and Interceptions Later" Tour 2005. Last week against the Giants, Warner held his own, throwing for 264 yards and a touchdown. This week, Warner welcomes his old buddies from St. Louis to the scorching Phoenix desert.

"I see the Rams are underachieving, again," says Warner. "It's obvious to me now that the Rams Super Bowl-winning year of 2001 was a classic case of overachieving, and I was a big part of that. I went from being the best quarterback in the game to, well, quarterbacking Arizona. But at least I'm not bagging groceries."

The Rams lost to the league's worst team last year, San Francisco, who didn't even use their No. 1 draft pick, Alex Smith, to win. They did, however, use new coach Mike Nolan.

"Darn it!" exclaims Rams' self-proclaimed genius Mike Martz. "That's another coach in the league who can coach figure eights around me. But that's okay. There's still plenty of people in this organization on whom to blame defeats. Hey, you! Boy who holds the cords to my headset! It's your fault."

The Rams were 2-6 on the road last year, losing those six by an average of 20 points. And probably all of those were Martz's fault. This time, the Rams don't get blown out, but Warner gets the last laugh, with a touchdown pass each to Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin.

Arizona wins, 29-24.

Cleveland @ Green Bay

After last week's season-ending injury to wide receiver Javon Walker, quarterback Brett Favre will surely be pulling the driver out of the bag more often. His "Donald" Driver, that is.

"Okay, I'll play along," says Favre. "In keeping with the golf analogy, we just pulled one into the water against the Lions last week. Then we took a drop, got a bad lie, and our approach came out fat and ended up on the lip of the sand trap. After two blasts out of the sand to reach the green, we four-putted. Then, we were heckled by some rowdy fans."

In short, it wasn't a pretty day for the Packers. Favre barely cleared 200 yards passing, threw two interceptions, and lost a fumble in the Packers' 17-3 loss. Trent Dilfer wasn't much better, with two INTs and a fumble, as well.

"But I did throw a 68-yard TD strike to some guy named Frisman, Frisman Jackson," notes Dilfer. "He has four brothers, two sisters, and is very musically-oriented. And Billie Jean is not his lover. But look, you've got to give Brett and I some breaks. We're getting pretty long in the tooth, and our legs can barely support us, but still, we keep going. Besides, we both have Super Bowl rings. There are only two other starting QBs in the league who can say that."

Favre wins this duel, throwing two TDs to Driver, and the Packers scratch the win column with a 28-14 win.

Miami @ N.Y. Jets

The error-prone Jets were whipped by the Chiefs last week, 27-7, led into defeat by the play of their quarterback, Chad Pennington, who fumbled six times and threw one interception. Doubts already existed about Pennington's arm strength — now, should the Jets worry about his hand strength?

"Gosh, I haven't seen that many fumbles by a Jets' quarterback since Joe Namath tried to kiss Suzy Kolber on an ESPN Sunday night game a couple years ago," says New York coach and happiest man in the face of adversity Herman Edwards. "The Chiefs played defense about as well as Suzy did — Joe didn't get to first base, and neither did we. But we've got Chad on a strenuous hand-strengthening regimen: he's squeezing Charmin toilet paper 500 times a day."

Incidentally, Mr. Whipple has a cannon for an arm.

In Miami, QB Gus Frerotte fumbled only once, and threw two touchdowns. More importantly, to celebrate those scores, he didn't ram his head into the Pro Player Stadium wall, jamming his neck, as he did when he was a Redskin.

"We didn't pick up Gus for his brains," explains Dolphins' coach Nick Saban. "He's on this team because of his arm. How he chooses to celebrate is his business. He can butt heads with a brick wall as far as I'm concerned, as long as his right arm remains healthy."

The Jets laid a rotten egg last week, but Sunday, in game 1 of the Meadowlands' two-day doubleheader, Edwards lights a fire under Pennington. When Pennington extinguishes his pants, he takes the field and leads the Jets to a 26-9 win, and only fumbles once.

San Diego @ Denver

Do the Broncos have a backup quarterback on their roster? They do? That's good, because when Jake Plummer is your starter, a backup can come in handy, especially when Jake starts the game with six straight incompletions, and eventually ends the day 22-48 with two interceptions, as he did last week versus the Dolphins.

Anyway, Plummer's backup is Bradlee Van Pelt, who, much like his mentor Plummer, has a problem keeping his middle finger holstered. Van Pelt was seen acting a fool at the September 3rd game pitting his alma mater, Colorado State, against the Colorado Buffaloes. Not only did Van Pelt flash the bird, he was also wearing a shirt featuring an obscenity.

"Okay, okay," says Denver coach Mike Shanahan. "Our quarterbacks are idiots. Come on, we drafted Maurice Clarett, for Christ's sake. Obviously, we don't look for character in a player."

Well, coach, maybe you should start looking for talent.

San Diego lost to Dallas last week, and part of the reason was the absence of tight end Antonio Gates, placed on the "roster exempt" list earlier and forced to miss the opener. Gates is back, and should help the Chargers' cause.

"Say what you will about pro athletes holding out for more money," says Gates. "Most shouldn't do it, but you've got to admit I had more of a right to than anyone. I was only making $380,000 a year. That's chump change. I could make that playing basketball in Turkey, or in the Major Indoor Lacrosse League. The Chargers know they were wrong. That's why they gave me a new contract."

Gates makes his return, and catches a TD pass, as does LaDainian Tomlinson, and Plummer does just enough to lose.

Chargers win, 23-20.

Kansas City @ Oakland

Randy Moss made an immediate impact for the Raiders last Thursday in their opener against the Patriots, with five receptions for 130 yards, including a 73-yard TD bomb from Kerry Collins.

"Put me in purple and gold," says Moss, "or silver and black. Shoot, put me in pink tutu and a top hat. Madd Skillz always gets the job done. And what kind of fool thinks the Vikings' offense is better off without me. I outscored them all by myself. Seven points to six. Their defense scored their only touchdown."

That's great, Randy. But tell me, what's under the do-rag?

"I'll tell you what's under it, playa," says Moss. "The best receiver in the game."

Moss will be the main focus of the Kansas City defense that nearly pitched a shutout last week against the Jets. Moss will a little tougher to handle than Jets' receivers Laveranues Coles and Justin McCairens, who combined for 105 yards receiving.

"And they got no street cred," says Moss.

The Raiders and Chiefs truly hate each others' guts, more so than that amateur rivalry that the Eagles and Falcons have, so don't be surprised if a full-scale battle royal erupts at midfield before the game.

"Just so we can show those chumps in Atlanta and Philly what real hatred is," says Raider lineman Warren Sapp.

Moss is unstoppable, but so is the Chiefs' running game, with Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson (who's taken off the diapers, but still hits like a baby) scoring a touchdown apiece.

An interception by safety Sammie Knight secures a 38-33 Chiefs' victory.

New Orleans @ N.Y. Giants

John Madden is in a panic. What, he just woke up from a nightmare in which a 17-ounce Outback steak and a can of Tinactin were dangled in front of him, while he was tied starving and suffering from athlete's foot to the nose of an F-14 fighter jet poised for takeoff from the U. S. S. Harry S. Truman, you ask? No, but close.

"How in the name of Kenny Stabler am I to call two games at once?" asks the ABC announcer. "The Giants/Saints start at 7:00, and 'Skins/Cowboys at 9:00. How the heck can I be two places at once?"

Well, physically, you can't, John. But your image is all over television hawking products 24 hours a day, so maybe you can call one game, and corporate Madden can call the other.

Anyway, only in a Week 2 matchup would this be a battle of undefeateds. The Giants used two special teams touchdowns last week to beat the Cardinals. It may have taken two years, but have the Giants' players finally accepted taskmaster Tom Coughlin's strict style?

"Is it possible to respect someone and hate their guts?" asks Michael Strahan. "It is? Then, we've accepted it."

The Saints stunned the Panthers in Charlotte, and get rewarded with a home game in the Meadowlands, as a result of the Hurricane Katrina devastation. In game two of the Meadowlands' two-day doubleheader, Deuce McAllister rushes for a score, and Joe "Me So" Horn catches a TD pass, then pulls a cell phone from the end zone pylon, calls the Verizon guy and says, "Can You Hear Me Now?" But New York teams go 2-0 in the Meadowlands; Tiki Barber rushes for 130 yards and a score, and the G-Men make a late defensive stop to preserve the victory.

Giants win, 23-21.

Washington @ Dallas

In last Sunday's victory over San Diego, Dallas' Drew Bledsoe threw for 226 yards, eclipsing the 40,000-yard mark for his career. Bledsoe became the 10th, and slowest, quarterback ever to reach that plateau.

"By 'slowest,' do you mean it took me longer than any of the other nine to reach 40,000 yards?" asks Bledsoe.

No, Drew, I mean you are slow, as in afoot. You make Brett Favre look like Carl Lewis. And you make the Burger King look good, too, when he intercepts your pass and dances all the way to the end zone in that BK commercial. But, congratulations on 40,000, and on a good game last Sunday.

For the 'Skins, Mark Brunell has been named starter after Patrick Ramsey went down with a foot injury against the Bears. Ramsey has since requested a trade.

"All those interested in Ramsey are instructed to post bids on eBay," says Washington owner/geek Daniel Snyder.

Dallas has won the last 13 in this series. Make it 14. The 'Boys ride running back Julius Jones, who rushes for 115 yards and a touchdown. The Dallas defense picks off Brunell twice, and the Cowboys hold on for a 19-10 triumph.