Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
New Orleans @ Carolina
The Panthers are back, and they all have a slip of paper signed by their doctor signifying that they have passed their physicals. And I don't mean one of those rinky-dink physicals you get as a 10-year old, in which a doctor simply takes your blood pressure and deems you fit to play sports. I'm talking about the full Monty — the turn your head and cough, bend over, and say "ahh" full work-up physicals, rendered by a scary man in scrubs.
"My broken leg has healed totally," says wide receiver Steve Smith, "but I seem to have developed a sudden fear of latex gloves."
The Panthers are the pick of many to win the NFC Championship, if not the Super Bowl. If you're not a Panther fan and you disagree with that assessment, then you're likely to state to a person taking Carolina all the way that "you must be on crack."
"I must confess that I take issue with that statement," says Panther coach John Fox. "Sure, we all know crack heads can't keep a job, are very slovenly, and are unfit parents, but what makes us think a crack head isn't qualified to make a Super Bowl prediction? Huh? It's downright discriminatory."
He's got a point. But here's another: "crack" is what kept the Panthers out of the playoffs last year. The "crack" of bone snapping, that is. But the casts are off, and the Cats are anxious to return to Super Bowl form. And the chances of that are much greater than the odds of running back Stephen Davis' knee holding up for an entire year.
Jake Delhomme connects with favorite target Smith for a long score, and defensive end Julius Peppers, also known as the world's greatest 290-pound athlete, picks Saints' QB Aaron Smith and scores. And when I say "pick," I don't mean interception. I mean Peppers, who played also played basketball at North Carolina, steals the ball from Brooks, who was dribbling the pigskin for some reason.
Panthers win 27,-17.
N.Y. Jets @ Kansas City
The Chiefs spent the offseason upgrading their defense, acquiring linebacker Kendrell Bell, safety Sammie Knight, and corner Patrick Surtain via free agency, and drafting lightning-quick Texas linebacker Derrick Johnson. Johnson hopes he can make an immediate impact, and help the Chiefs return to the playoffs after a year's absence.
"I've heard all the jokes before," says Johnson, "about how the K.C. offense could put up 1,000 points, and the defense would give up 1,001. Well, no more. This year, my fellow defenders and I are adopting the motto 'Three and out' as our rallying cry."
"That kind of motivation brings tears to my eyes," says soft-hearted Chiefs' coach Dick Vermeil, "as do thoughts of Priest Holmes playing in week thirteen."
As usual, the K.C. offense will be potent, anchored by one of the game's best offensive lines. But there are concerns. Holmes suffered a season-ending knee injury in week 9; can he go the distance this year? Can quarterback Trent Green, who has a circulation problem in his left leg, remain injury free?
"No problem, man," insists Green. "That's not even my throwing leg."
Green's counterpart for the Jets, Chad Pennington, has his own injury concerns, particularly his right shoulder. Coach Herman Edwards has kept a watchful eye on his QB's arm, careful not to overwork it, and has ordered it iced-down after each practice.
"I tell ya'," says Edwards, "that's the most pampered right arm since Zsa Zsa Gabor slapped that Beverly Hills policeman some years back. But Chad's worth it. He's our guy. As soon as he can throw 20 yards downfield, we'll know he's back at full strength."
Pennington has been reunited with his favorite target of two years ago, Laveranues Coles. That combination, as well as the running of Curtis Martin and Derrick Alexander, should carry the Jets. Throw in the leg of rookie kicker Mike "The Gotham City Madman" Nugent, and the Jets' offense looks formidable. Nugent has found the price of fame to be bittersweet.
"If I introduce myself as 'Mike Nugent,' I'm everyone's hero," says Nugent, "but sometimes I slip up and introduce myself simply as 'the Jets' kicker.' People assume I'm last year's kicker and playoff goat Doug Brien, and I get my ass kicked."
Nugent learns what it's like in the life of Brien, as he hooks a long field goal try in the fourth quarter that would have tied the game. Holmes rushes for a short TD, and Green connects with Tony Gonzalez for another score.
Chiefs win, 27-24.
Seattle @ Jacksonville
A little ditty, about Jack Del Rio. Coach of the Jags, no relation to Miss Cleo. Jacky got a QB named Byron Leftwich, Jags missed the playoffs last year, 'son of a bitch!"
"Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone," sings Del Rio. "Oh yeah, say life goes on ... Oh, sorry. I got lost in the moment there. That's a great song, and Mellencamp had a name as cool as mine back when he was know simply as 'John Cougar.'"
Seattle coach Mike Holgren is known neither for his singing nor for his name. In fact, he's barely even known for his coaching. He did make one smart move in the offseason: the dismissal of troubled wide receiver Koren Robinson, who showed up for an alcoholism rehab meeting stone cold drunk. That's embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as winning the NFC West with a 9-7 record, then losing to the Rams for the third time in the playoffs, at home, no less. Which Holmgren's Seahawks did, in a year when they were the trendy pick to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl last year. The only trend I see, in that case, is losing to the Rams.
"Hey, nobody ever said we weren't trendsetters," adds 'Hawks running back Shaun Alexander, he of the fat wallet.
The Jags will rely on Leftwich, as well as veterans Fred Taylor and Jimmy Smith. Del Rio would like to see more than just veteran leadership out of Taylor and Smith, but that may be all their wobbly legs can provide. In the end, the youthful exuberance of Matt Hasselbeck, Alexander, and Darrell Jackson is too much for the Jags. Jacksonville's reliable defense keeps them in the game, but they ultimately succumb to the downfall of all losing teams: they don't score enough points.
Seattle wins, 28-22.
After the game, a dejected Del Rio sucks on chilidogs outside the Tastee Freeze.
Tampa Bay @ Minnesota
What do you call the Vikings without Randy Moss? I don't know, but whatever you call them, it doesn't include the word "controversial," nor does it include anything related to mooning, squirting water on an official, leaving the field before a game ends, running over a parking attendant, and general subordination. But before we condemn Moss as the root of Minnesota's problems, let's take a look at some interesting developments that took place over the offseason.
One, running back Onterrio Smith was busted trying to smuggle some contraption called "The Whizzinator" through an airport. Head coach Mike Tice was caught scalping his Super Bowl tickets. Now, I'm sure Moss thought about doing these things, but he wisely chose not to, and promptly took off for Oakland, where players are well-known for making the right decisions, right Barrett Robbins? Moss' slack (or slackness) will be picked up by the recently signed Koren Robinson, who may have trouble catching balls, but has no problem at all with highballs.
Anyway, the Vikings are now, without a doubt, Daunte Culpepper's team. And that's a good thing. Culpepper won't feel the pressure to put 35 points on the board every game, as the Vikes now have a pretty good defense, on paper. But Culpepper won't have the luxury of just tossing the ball 60 yards downfield and expecting Moss to go up and grab it. He'll have to be more precise with his passes, and may be relied upon more to run the ball.
"It all adds up to three things," says Culpepper. "M-V-P."
Culpepper tosses two touchdowns and runs for another, while the Vikings' defense impresses, forcing two Brian Griese turnovers.
Vikes win, 34-20.
Tennessee @ Pittsburgh
What do you get when you cross Jerome Bettis and Duce Staley? A running back with two good legs. That's the state of the Steeler running game right now. Until Bettis and Staley heal, the brunt of the Steeler running game falls on Willie Parker, who, in the words of Bill Cowher, sprinkled with a little spittle here and there, is what's known in the business as a "change of pace" back.
The success of the Steelers is predicated on the running game, and hard-nosed defense. Those are givens. The questions remains whether second-year quarterback Ben Roethlisberger can lead like a champ, as he did last year. I'm no expert in physics, but I can tell you right now that Roethlisberger has a flaw in his throwing motion that causes the pigskin to float on him, which has resulted in several overthrows this preseason.
As for Tennessee, the offense should be a little more wide open than the Steelers. Steve McNair is healthy, and former USC offensive coordinator Norm Chow (Chow, Chow, Chow) is now calling the plays. Chow's offensive philosophy calls for maximum quarterback protection, which should allow McNair to spread the ball around to rangy wide receivers Drew Bennett and Tyrone Calico, as well as running backs Chris Brown and Travis Henry.
"I love this offense," says McNair. "I think Purina's expansion into the football market with Norm Chow is a brilliant strategy. Morris the Cat could run this offense."
As it is, Parker serves as the Steelers' gravy train on Sunday, rushing for 100 yards. The Pittsburgh defense is much more than Chow has seen in college — still, McNair throws for two TDs.
Steelers win, 27-21.
After being leveled by a lineman on a screen play in the first quarter, Titans' rookie Adam "Pacman" Jones stumbles to his feet, then tries to eat the sideline hash marks.
Arizona @ N.Y. Giants
In this game, the Giants' defense finally gets the chance to do something they wanted to do last year, but were unable to: hit Kurt Warner. Now, Warner is with the Cards, and upon his introduction at the Meadowlands, you can expect the crowd to give him a warm, New York welcome, not fit for ears under seventeen years of age. And Giants' coach Tom Coughlin will be leading the jeers.
"Now, Dennis Green has to deal with what I dealt with last year," says Coughlin. "So, here's a little advice, Dennis: keep a firm index finger on the 'eject' button, and don't be afraid to press it. You may not have to; Kurt will probably break his thumb on an opponent's helmet, and be done for."
On the bright side for Coughlin, his quarterback is a Manning — unfortunately, he's not Peyton. Heck, he's not even Archie. But he's making progress, and he's got a new downfield threat in Plaxico Burress. Provided Manning's sore elbow doesn't bother him for long, he should be able to connect with Burress on occasion. On other occasions, like this one against a tough Arizona defense, he'll struggle. And Coughlin win curse, moan, berate, and lose three days off of his life.
Warner takes a few hard hits, but gamely gets up, and throws two touchdowns.
Cardinals win, 24-20.Dallas @ San Diego
A furious Lawrence Taylor, gnawing on a Punch cigar, storms into Dallas coach Bill Parcell's office, demanding to suit up for his old coach.
"Damnit, Bill," yells Taylor, "this is an outrage. I hear there's a player for the Chargers claiming to be the next L.T!"
"You've got it all wrong, Lawrence," answers Parcells. "L.T. plays for the Chargers. LaDainian Tomlinson. And he doesn't claim to be the next L.T. He's actually a humble guy. But like you, Lawrence, he's the ultimate impact player. He makes big plays and is the team's most important player. Hell, Lawrence, take away the cocaine, the women, the wild parties, and the tearful breakdown on CBS' 60 Minutes, and he could be you."
"Okay, I was getting ready to go out there like a crazed dog," adds Taylor.
Just like in San Diego, No. 21 is the man in Dallas: Julius Jones. Apart from Tomlinson, he may be the most explosive running back in the NFL. Explosive doesn't in any way describe the Cowboys' new quarterback, Drew Bledsoe, who is possibly the only person wearing a pair of cement shoes whose not at the bottom of a body of water, courtesy of the mafia. Parcells does have an Lawrence Taylor-like player in rookie linebacker Demarcus Ware, who has had an impressive pre-season.
Ware impresses in his official coming out party, sacking Drew Brees once and creating havoc for the Charger offense. Jones breaks 100 yards rushing and scores a TD.
Cowboys pull the mild upset, 19-14.
Green Bay @ Detroit
Green Bay running back Ahman Green has been feeling a little down lately. Why, you ask? Well, it's not because his was taken as a late first-round, early second fantasy pick, after last year's early first-round status.
"Oh no," says Green, "that doesn't matter to me at all. Until they start paying us based on fantasy output, I could care less where I'm drafted. I'm upset because I graduated from Nebraska eight years too early to be the roommate of Motley Crue's Tommy Lee. Oh, the parties we could have had! The videos we could have made! The bail money we could have posted for each other!"
Oh what could have been! The same could be said for the Packers, whose playoff runs the last two years have ended harshly. Two years ago, the Pack fell in Philly thanks to the "4th-and-26" pass to Freddie Mitchell. Last year, Green Bay was vanquished by the Vikings at Lambeau Field.
"I don't know about the other guys," says Brett Favre, "but I'm hungry."
Hungry for redemption, Brett?
"No, just hungry. I reported to camp at 217 pounds, lighter than ever. I'm starving."
If anyone is looking for redemption, it's Detroit's Joey Harrington. This year, it's now or never. He's surrounded by weapons, including Kevin Jones at RB, and wideouts Roy Williams, Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams. If the offensive lines protects him, he could produce the numbers that the Lions' organization has long hoped for.
"That would make Lions' president Matt Millen look like a genius," says Harrington. "For once in his life."
Favre and Harrington stage a duel on the Ford Field turf, with Favre coming out on top. Favre throws three TDs, but two interceptions help keep the Lions in the game. Harrington plays well, with two TDs, but the Packers prevail, 38-34.
St. Louis @ San Francisco
Rams coach Mike Martz spent the offseason brushing up on his coaching skills, spending a week by his pool reading NFL Coaching For Dummies. Impressed by the content, Martz decides to write his own book, entitled NFL Coaching For Dummies, By a Dummy. Martz buys several copies, signs them, and presents one each to his coaching staff. The books soon end up in each coach's bathroom, between a crossword puzzle book and the September issue of FHM magazine.
Such is the life of Martz — he thinks he's great, everyone tells him he's great, but behind his back, everyone talks junk about him. Like 49ers' coach Mike Nolan.
"Give me the Rams, at least the offense," says Nolan, "and I could lead them to an 8-8 record, with Alex Smith quarterbacking."
And that would get you into the playoffs, at least in the NFC West.
Nolan faces the difficult task of returning the 49ers to the glory days of Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, Steve Young, Ronnie Lott, and Ray Wershing, to name a few. It will be tough. San Fran is a 200-1 long shot (give or take one hundred) to win the Super Bowl. If you're a betting person, it might be safer to lay money on a two-headed unicorn winning the lottery and getting struck by lightning simultaneously.
"I'm all over that," says baseball great and gambler Pete Rose.
This could be Rams' running back Steven Jackson's year to shine, if Martz can just get him the damn ball. For some strange reason, Martz makes the right call. Jackson rushes for 123 yards on 24 carries, as St. Louis rolls, 32-14.
Indianapolis @ Baltimore
Indy quarterback Peyton Manning and the Colts still were unable to conquer the Patriots, but Manning single-handedly earned himself a new title: greatest quarterback with the NFL passing touchdown record never to have won the Super Bowl.
"Dad gummit! That Manning is stealing all my records!" says a peeved Dan Marino from the set of HBO's Inside the NFL.
But before they can clear the Patriot hurdle, the Colts must take care of the Ravens, whose defense held Indy to its lowest scoring output of the season, except for a meaningless Week 17 game at Denver. Manning and receiver Marvin Harrison are locked in to long-term deals, while Edgerrin James got the shaft, the one-year deal.
"You know, it's not even the money," explains James. "I'm just a little peeved because after this year, I may be cut off from the Colts' fabulous dental plan."
In Baltimore, defense is a given, as always, and running back Jamal Lewis' legal woes are behind him, and he's moved from the halfway house to a nice room at the downtown YMCA. The Ravens upgraded at wide receiver with the signing of Derrick Mason and the drafting of Mark Clayton.
"Isn't Clayton a little old to still be playing?" asks Marino.
Wrong Mark Clayton, Danny.
Anyway, with a record Sunday night ESPN crowd television audience tuned in, and a fired-up M&T Bank Stadium making noise, the Ravens spring the upset. Jamal Lewis rushes for a score, and Kyle Boller matures before our very eyes, hitting Mason with a fourth-quarter TD, and growing facial hair.
Baltimore wins, 27-21.
Philadelphia @ Atlanta
Luckily, the spacious Georgia Dome hosts Monday Night Football's season opener, a rematch of last year's NFC championship game in Philadelphia. The roomy home of the Falcons boasts plenty of space, enough to hold the ego of Terrell Owens, as well as thousands of Falcon fans wearing their No. 7 Ron Mexico jerseys. Mexico, I mean Vick, and the Falcons are intent on avenging last year's loss to the Eagles, which denied Atlanta its second Super Bowl berth.
It's been a stressful offseason for Owens, but that's the last thing he's thinking of as he enjoys a pre-game meal of chicken nuggets. Accidentally, Owens sinks his teeth into one of his fingers, as if some kind of supernatural force moved the chicken. As Owens whimpers in pain, he asks himself, "Is there some kind of cosmic meaning to all this?"
Well, T.O., there is, and it is this: don't bite the hand that feeds you. And, for that matter, don't bite the hand that pays you, or the hand that throws you passes.
"Lesson learned," says Owens.
Of course, Michael Vick would kill for a receiver the caliber of Owens. What he's got are Dez White and Michael Jenkins, whom the Eagles know they can single-cover, leaving a safety for run support, and another safety to monitor Vick or tight end Alge Crumpler.
McNabb and Owens hook up on a beautiful 40-yard touchdown pass, a play so breathtaking that both are left speechless. The quick Eagles' defense contains Vick, and Philly gets a wing up on playoff homefield advantage.
Eagles win, 20-14.
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