NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 1 (Part 1)

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Oakland @ New England

Thursday night's NFL opener is a study in contrasts. Tom Brady versus Randy Moss. White bread and afghan throws versus ghetto blasters and cornrows. Patriots owner Robert Kraft (who allowed Russian president Vladimir Putin to pocket his Super Bowl ring) versus Raiders owner Al Davis (who would have surely gone Jack Tatum on Putin's Kremlin ass had Putin tried to pilfer one of his Super Bowl rings). Devoted family man and Patriots' kicker Adam Vinatieri versus misbehaving Raider kicker (and your drunk girlfriend's worst nightmare) Sebastian Janikowski.

The Pats are a different team because of subtraction (gone are linebackers Tedi Bruschi and Ted Johnson, as well as offensive coordinator Charlie Weis and defensive coordinator Romeo Crenel), while the Raiders' additions include Randy Moss and Lamont Jordan. That's about 1,000 pounds gone from the Patriots, and about 440 more for the Raiders. That's quite a lot of offseason action, but it doesn't end there. The real action was the startling revelations made by Tom Brady and Randy Moss. Brady revealed that he surfs for porn on the Internet, while Moss admitted to smoking marijuana, "once in a blue moon."

"Here's another startling revelation, on par with those," says Pats' coach Bill Belichick. "The sky is blue."

No! The sky is blue? You're kidding. Ask any American male with Internet access, and the likelihood is, he has surfed for porn and smoked pot, probably simultaneously.

Anyway, the Patriots have a hole to fill in the middle, with Bruschi and Johnson gone. But the Patriots more than made do with a makeshift secondary after injuries decimated their defensive backfield last year. As long as Belichick is coach, the Pats will find a way to win, no matter the circumstances. In this case, the New England defense bends, but doesn't break. The Patriots offset two Kerry Collins touchdown passes, one to Moss, with two Tom Brady TD throws and a Corey Dillon rush for a score.

Patriots win, 30-20.

As he leaves the field, Raider cornerback Charles Woodson is pelted by a snowball preserved in a season-ticket holder’s freezer since the 2002 “Snow Bowl" game. Later, Moss peers into the Massachusetts sky and sees a blue moon.

Chicago @ Washington

The Bears may have found their quarterback of the future, which, in Chicago, means that quarterback will last 2-4 games before succumbing to a leg injury or general suckmanship. In the latest case, rookie Kyle Orton won the job when incumbent Rex Grossman went down with a leg injury again, and backup Chad Hutchinson played so badly as Grossman’s replacement that he was released.

"That's two years in a row that Rex has suffered a leg injury," says Bears' coach Lovie (Don't Call Me Mrs. Thurston Howell III) Smith. "Apparently, his legs are as brittle as a Sammy Sosa corked bat. As far as Chad goes, he was doomed by his first name: Chad. Maybe he can quarterback the local chapter of Sigma Chi’s pick-up game, but not the Bears."

Orton will have some help, such as wide receiver free agent acquisition Muhsin Muhammed, and running backs Thomas Jones and rookie Cedric Benson, from the University of Texas, whom the Bears drafted with their first pick (fourth overall).

"I think the last time a Bear coach took a Texas running back in the first round," explains Smith, "Mike Ditka traded his entire draft just to get that pick. Great job, Ditka. Thank goodness you were coaching the Saints then. They're still trying to recover from that debacle."

In Washington, the biggest offseason news was the identification of Deep Throat.

"Hey," says 'Skins' coach Joe Gibbs, "please don't give away plays from our play book. 'Deep Throat,' that's one that owner Daniel Snyder drew up for me."

And I'm sure that will work, as has every decision Snyder has ever made. Like the Bears, if the Redskins win, it will be with defense. Sure, they have running back Clinton Portis, but will he get the ball enough to make a difference? In this game he will — Portis scores the game-winning TD with a fourth quarter five-yard run. Sean Taylor picks off Orton to set up the score.

Washington wins the defensive struggle, 17-13.

Snyder is elated to see Deep Throat, the play, called by Gibbs in the second quarter. It results in a two-yard pass to Santana Moss.

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

The Browns/Bengals matchup features a quarterback duel of epic proportions, one not seen since the Adam Sandler/William Fichtner clash in The Longest Yard, version 2005. It's young stud and former number one draft pick Carson Palmer leading Cincinnati against Super Bowl champion Trent Dilfer. Okay, okay. Maybe I'm over-hyping this one a bit, but after their last contest (a 58-48 Bengals victory last year in Week 12), it's got a lot to live up to. This game probably won't be that entertaining, so I'll be satisfied if Palmer or Dilfer fire a hard spiral into an opposing lineman's crotch, a la Burt Reynolds in the original The Longest Yard, a.k.a. the only one worth watching.

Anyway, this may or may not be the year the Bengals take the next step and make the playoffs, depending on whom you ask. Also, the Browns begin year one of the three or four (depending on whom you ask) plan to make the playoffs. 8-8 last year, the Bengals need a two-game turnaround to challenge for the playoffs.

"What? We can go 6-10 and make the playoffs?" asks Cincy head coach Marvin Lewis. "Did we move to the NFC West?"

No, Marvin, I mean go 10-6. Sure, it doesn't sound like much, but in the tough AFC North, it's asking quite a bit. But not to Bengal receiver Chad Johnson.

"Oh yes, there will be a six, a one, and a zero in our record," boasts Johnson. "It's called 16-0."

A bold statement, no doubt. The Browns, and new coach Romeo Crenel, are setting reasonable expectations.

"Let's face it," says Crenel, "if we can win six games, I'll be happy. And if I can make the leap into the Dawg Pound by Week 8 without the aid of a mini-trampoline, I'll be thrilled."

Palmer throws two TDs, one a 45-yard strike to Johnson, and the Bengals play ball control late by pounding workhorse Rudi Johnson. The Browns show effort and enthusiasm, and injured tight end Kellen Winslow the Deuce thrills the Stadium crowd by jumping 17 Greyhound buses at halftime on his tricked-out motorcycle.

Cincinnati wins, 31-17.

Denver @ Miami

Here's another bold prediction: Nick Saban will become the first head coach to win the NCAA National Title (or at least a share of it) one year and win the Super Bowl the next, or my name's not Jimmie Johnson. Well, my name is not Jimmie Johnson, nor is it Nostramadus, the original Vegas bookie, so this is as bold a prediction as I can give you: the Dolphins won't win this game.

Although I can’t quite put my finger on it, there’s a reason the Broncos won’t win the Super Bowl. Wait! I just put my finger on it: my middle finger. That reason is Jake Plummer, who is a great quarterback if you measure success by qualifying for the playoffs as a wild card, then getting slammed and sent packing by Indianapolis. But maybe it's not Plummer's fault; maybe it's Coach Mike Shanahan's fault for wanting Plummer in the first place. Doesn't Shanahan know he can't win a playoff game without John Elway behind center?

"Yes, I'm aware of that," says Shanahan. "And I know we can't win this game with Maurice Clarett on the roster. That's why I cut him. A brilliant move on my part. Whose idea was it to draft him in the first place?"

I'm sure it was yours, Mike. Never fear, though. As was the case the last two years, the Broncos have all the ingredients to make the playoffs, then lose in the wildcard round. That quest gets off to a good start on Sunday. Mike Anderson and Tatum Bell rush for a touchdown, and Plummer plays mistake-free.

Broncos win 31-10.

After the game, suspended Miami running back Ricky Williams announces he will play the romantic male lead in "Waiting to Inhale," the sequel to Terry MacMillan's "Waiting to Exhale."

Houston @ Buffalo

Is this a football game, or a showcase of pretty boy quarterbacks? Take the pads and helmets off, and Houston QB David Carr and Buffalo QB J.P. Losman could star in an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, or possibly make a cameo on The O.C. The real question is: can Losman or Carr put their hair care issues aside long enough to lead their respective teams to the playoffs?

"I know I can," says Carr, deftly applying a dollop of hair gel throughout his locks. "But you'll have to ask my offensive line whether they are up to the task or not. It's hard to lead a team to the playoffs when I'm dusting myself off from a sack about four times a game."

Losman may be the second coming of former Bill backup Rob Johnson, or he could be an adequate replacement for Drew Bledsoe, who nearly led the Bills to the playoffs last year. Well, actually, Bledsoe was just the quarterback — the Buffalo defense, special teams, and running back Willis McGahee led the team to the brink of the playoffs. The Bills' organization is so high on a big year from McGahee that they are introducing a new celebration whenever McGahee scores a TD. Anytime McGahee scores, the video of the diminutive Diff’rent Strokes icon Garry Coleman appears on the jumbo-tron and announces, “What you talking 'bout, Willis?!"

“Wow!" says Coleman. “That’s the first time my name and the word 'jumbo' have ever been used in the same sentence."

Coleman makes more appearances on the big screen Sunday than he has in the last 10 years, as McGahee scores two touchdowns, one set up by a turnover, the other by a long Terrence McGee kickoff return.

Bills win, 26-7.

Don't miss Part 2 of the predictions!