You Might Be a Fantasy Football Freak

Levity is difficult in times like these.

Yeah, I could write something like, "$3 for a gallon of unleaded? The last time I paid that much for a pump, I was at the Bunny Ranch."

But that would be inappropriate, wouldn't it?

Or something like, "Hurricane Katrina: Proving once and for all that something other than the Saints and Hornets can blow mightily in New Orleans."

But that would be even more inappropriate, wouldn't it?

That said, the aim of this column has always been to provide a chuckle or two for the jaded sports fan. So despite these trying times, I will attempt to make with the funny.

With apologies to MAD Magazine and Jeff Foxworthy (whom I'm convinced, after seeing the "Blue-Collar Comedy Tour," should actually be apologizing to me), I present:

You Might Be a Fantasy Football Freak If...

You've asked friends and co-workers to preface your name with "General Manager/Coach."

You've caught yourself singing, to the tune of the "Green Acres" theme song, "Da-vid/Akers/Is the kicker for me/I/don't need/Vina-tieri."

After hearing Brett Favre's emotional words on CNN about the well-being of his Mississippi relatives in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, your first reaction was, "God, I hope that doesn't affect his completion percentage in Week 1. Who's my backup, anyway?"

Your second thought was, "Well, he did throw for 399 yards against the Raiders the day after his father died..."

You've thought more about what Ricky Williams might be smoking these days than the DEA has.

You've actively pursued the idea of an "All-Johnson Team," with Brad at quarterback, Andre and Chad at wide receiver, Rudi and Larry at running back, and Eric at tight end.

You've gone through several legal pads writing and scratching out prospective team names like a pimply-faced teenager trying to figure out what to call his garage band.

You've considered, albeit for the briefest of brief moments, giving oral treats to your best friend in exchange for the rights to LaDainian Tomlinson.

You've emphatically cursed the day the "auto draft" was invented, after ending up with Charlie Batch and Bradlee Van Pelt as your quarterbacks.

You flip to The NFL Network during every commercial break just to make sure Brian Westbrook isn't injured yet.

You've e-mailed Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen, explaining that you understand Eddie Drummond is one of the best kick returners in football, but you were wondering, for the sake of your fantasy points, if the Lions would give tight end Marcus Pollard a shot now and again.

You've caught yourself ordering an extra cheese with Culpepperoni.

You've actually left the embrace of a loved one, jumped out of bed, and run to the computer to pluck Peter Warrick off the waiver wire because you saw on the Headline News crawl that he signed with the Seahawks. (And in case you're wondering — yes, this is a true story.)

You can't stop pointing and laughing at the guy who took Fred Taylor in the first round.

Finally, you've considered, albeit for the briefest of brief moments, taking an ESPN fantasy football guide out of the garbage can in a public restroom.

Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" will be published in Spring 2006. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].