It seems tough today to find a true sports hero who actually can wag his finger and mean it, so I've decided that the country needs another underdog story, hence the following transcription of a recent press conference.
Moderator: Members of the press, thank you for coming. We will have a brief statement, and then open it up for questions. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Chalifoux.
(thunderous applause)
Thank you, than-
(interrupted by more thunderous applause)
(laughing) Thank you all for coming today. I'm here today to start a journey. A journey that will encompass more than has ever been attempted by modern man. A journey that will forever be remembered as the singular act that turned the scales of fate in favor of man. A journey that will be remembered as the day the world learned to love again.
I'm here because we need a hero. Too often today, our heroes are tainted and we find ourselves hesitant to believe in someone and even more hesitant to believe in greatness. Also, too often, even in the most heart warming sports stories, it always seems as if someone from the lower class rises above to achieve greatness. Even the great sports movies have the same theme, from Cinderella Man to Rudy to Coach Carter, it's always a rags to riches story. While noble, I ask you, where is the middle class hero? That is why I am here.
I'm here today to announce that I am entering the EA Sports 2005 Madden Challenge. I will be playing on October 23rd at 12 PM. I will be battling 511 other competitors before advancing to the finals in Honolulu, where I will win the championship and the $100K grand prize. The prize money will then be split between several charities, including the Pat Tillman Foundation, Warrick Dunn's Homes For the Holidays, the Live Strong campaign, and Habitat for Humanity. It's going to be a battle of wits, skill, and endurance. But I am not here to fail, I will become the champion.
Moderator: Questions, please.
Mark, the tournament is played on Madden '06, how familiar are you with this year's game?
Uh, good question, good question. I am very familiar with the game. I know it had the best first week of the Madden franchise and I know it's a big hit with people. What I am not familiar with is playing the game. I don't own a copy, so that will present a difficulty, but I was looking for a challenge. If I wanted to do something easy, I'd walk down to the end of the driveway and get the mail. But that won't make me a champion.
And that being said, remember, I owned the college ranks. As you can see in that sheet you were all given when you arrived, I lead Notre Dame to three national titles in College Football 2005. I also resurrected the Kentucky program and brought them a Heisman trophy winner and to a BCS bowl in my first year there. If that's not enough, I took a garbage Alabama team to the national title game in my first season there, and proceeded to win one title and head to two BCS bowls over the next three years. So my track record as a coach is there, and I think my utter dominance on the college stage will translate to the next level.
Mark, this is an Xbox tournament, do you have an Xbox?
No, no I don't. That will be another hurdle to overcome, but one that I welcome. I will have to become familiar with the system through marathon training sessions with my trainer, Nick Hughes, and by playing at store display systems at Best Buy. It is a setback, but it just forces me to get creative. And if there's one thing I can do, it's, uh, be creative.
How important is the mental aspect to this matchup?
Well, they don't allow trash-talking, which hurts a major part of my game. I think that, uh, mentally, I'm stronger than the other contestants. I am an excellent coach and a defensive genius. My game plans rival the best that is out there. Also, I think that the mental side is what gives me the advantage. The mental endurance it takes to ride out 511 other competitors is what sets me apart.
And let's face it, this is a thinking man's game. Some of our greatest leaders on planet Earth owe this game for what they have today, that's just a fact. And again, this just forces me to be creative. I don't know who I will be playing on October 23rd, so I have to go through the next few weeks like I'm playing everyone I see. I can't wait to trash-talk until I know who I am playing, because then it's too late, so I have to trash talk everyone I come in contact with before the tournament, because that's the best shot I have to get in their heads. Any collateral damage there is just a hazard of being a champion, I suppose.
I have to know, how do you plan to prepare for this tournament?
There is so much more to this than being the best at manipulating a controller. I know to win I have to be at my strongest mentally, psychologically, physically, and uh, did I say mentally? If not, then I must be at my strongest mentally. Uh, what was the question?
How do you plan to prepare for this tournament?
Okay, okay, fair question. I plan to be in the best physical shape of my life. Rather than boxing myself up in a room and playing until October, I plan on becoming stronger in other areas. When it comes down to it, my opponent will have the edge on familiarity with the system and game, so I have to make sure I have the advantage in the other categories.
I'm going to be doing a lot of running, thinking, pushups, and then, of course, some game-planning and game-playing.
Also, I heard you learn a lot by failing. So I'm going to fail at some things.
What's the key for you to make it to Honolulu?
The key for me will be playing a smart game. So many players out there just try to score quickly, so I think I'm going to slow down the tempo. With only two-minute quarters, I think a good ball control offense will be crucial in the upset. Let's face it, kids these days just don't know how to control the ball, they just want to get in, score, get out. And to me, that strategy is just backwards. To me, defense begins with my offense. The longer they are on the field, the less defense I have to play. And also remember, I made my career on defense. I will be just fine.
What team are you looking at selecting?
I'm thinking of taking someone ranked outrageously high, like New England. They have the defense to compete, they have the offense to chew up clock time, and they have a good running back, which is crucial. My running game isn't where it needs to be, I'm a West Coast guy, so having a back that can step in from day one and make a difference is important. I'm also looking at Atlanta, because they have some good weapons offensively and I'm sure Michael Vick is overrated. I'm also looking at Indy because of the ridiculous passing attack, which is important if I fall behind.
With such little experience, how do you plan to compete in this tournament?
I have no experience in Xbox or Madden '06, but know this: I have more experience as a competitor than anyone I will face October 23. I am a competitor, I compete every day. I think my experience competing in other facets of life is what makes me such a dangerous wildcard, and, dare I say, the favorite. I know how to adapt and I know how to win under many different situations, many of which I expect to face October 23rd. I will be able to deal with that, but will the other 511 guys? I say no.
Also, let me ask you this. How much experience did Christopher Columbus have in finding America before it happened? How much experience did Jesus have in turning water into wine before he did it? How much experience did General George Washington have in fighting off the British? I mean, if you look at it, maybe history is trying to tell us something. Maybe experience is the worst thing to have before trying to accomplish something outrageous. Maybe my lack of experience is what makes me the favorite. I don't know, I'm not a doctor.
With such a growing abuse of steroids and other performance enhancers in competitive sports, before fans can invest in you, they have to know, are you clean?
I'm cleaner than the bald guy on those bottles of soap, and If I'm not mistaken, his name is Mr. Clean. So you get the picture. Parents can feel safe when their kids put posters of me up on their walls. Kids can feel safe in buying Mark Chalifoux apparel on eBay. Most importantly, know this — I will never embarrass the sport in front of Congress. Period. We have time for one more.
Where do you see yourself at the end of the day on October 23rd?
I see myself at Friday's in Covington, OH, on the river, at the celebration party. And more importantly, I see myself standing as the champion over 511 other competitors, and getting ready to conquer the world at Honolulu. With all of you behind me, there's no way I can fail. Eye to eye with the other competitors, I don't have much of an advantage, but standing on the shoulders of my supporters, I cannot be defeated. Thank you all.
The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, Rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
August 30, 2005
NFL Adam:
An inspiration.