The Fictional Terrell Owens Interview

Terrell, thanks for sitting down for this interview. Could you please stop with the sit-ups already?

T.O.: "First of all, it's Ter-rell, not Ter-rell. Hey, and the same rules that apply to my coaches apply to you — don't speak to me unless I speak to you. Okay? You may speak.

Does your agent, Drew Rosenhaus, live with you? It seems as though you can't do an interview without him on the couch beside you.

T.O.: "No, he doesn't live with me. He does rent my pool house, though. He's out there doing laundry right now."

Yours or his?

T.O.: "T.O. doesn't do his own laundry."

Did you two negotiate over rental costs?

T.O.: "Oh yeah. I started out asking $1,800 a month. Somehow, Drew got me down to $250."

Let's get right to the point. Why were you suspended for a week by Andy Reid?

T.O.: "It's simple. Coach Reid confronted me in practice and spoke to me without me speaking to him first. I let him know how I felt. He said, 'Shut up.'" I said, "You shut up. Nobody tells me to shut up except for my grandmother." He said, "Save the drama for your grandmomma." That's when I walked away. Coach told me not to come back for a week."

If you would have told your grandmother to shut up, what would have happened?

T.O.: "She would have tanned my hide with a hickory stick."

So, what gives you the right to tell Andy Reid to shut up?

T.O.: "He's not my grandmother, is he?"

When your grandmother told you to shut up, did you ever listen?

T.O.: "No, but she was hard of hearing, so she never knew."

That explains a lot. What about the story about the medical waiver you supposedly signed for the Super Bowl? The Eagles' organization claims to have no knowledge of it. Did it exist?

T.O.: "Of course it existed. I drew it up myself. I even had it notarized by the manager at a local Burger King. Are medical waivers written on a napkin legally binding?

I think about as binding as a seven-year, $49 million dollar contract, at least as far as you're concerned. What makes you so quick to want out of a contract you signed a little over a year ago?

T.O.: "What makes you so sure I signed that contract? I sign my names so many times every day I can't keep up with it. As far as I know, Eagles management asked me for an autograph and had me sign a contract, without me knowing it. Who are you going to believe, me or them? Next thing you know, they'll have you believing I pulled a Sharpie pen out of my sock and signed a football in the middle of a game."

But you did do that.

T.O.: "Yeah, I know. But I just made $10K to say 'Sharpie.'"

Speaking of Sharpie, will you sign this Jeff Garcia jersey for me?

T.O.: "No, thanks."

How about this Donovan McNabb jersey?

T.O.: "Nope."

You seem to have problems with quarterbacks who wear No. 5, especially those that throw you touchdown passes.

T.O.: "I'll sign that Kerry Collins jersey for you, though. Then I'll bad-mouth him behind his back."

T.O., do you have any friends?

T.O.: "Three: me, myself, and I."

That's great. I bet by season's end, you'll be feuding with "myself" and "I."

T.O.: "Okay, I'll play along. I'll probably accuse "myself" of being gay and "I" of being a hypocrite."

Dang, T.O., you haven't been this funny since you imitated Ray Lewis' dance last year.

T.O.: "Thank you."

On the subject of end zone celebrations, do you have any classics planned this year?

T.O.: "Let's see. Week 1 in Atlanta you'll see me do the 'Dirty Eagle' dance. Week 3 when we host the Raiders, in honor of Randy Moss and the Raiders, I'll present my 'Moon Shot, Bong Hit' celebratory dance. Then I'll walk off the field, get in my car, and run down a parking attendant. That may take some practice. Week 5 in Dallas I'll sign the Cowboy star at mid-field. Of course, there will be the usual improvisations and ad libs throughout the year."

I can't wait. T.O., as you know, fantasy football is huge today. What do you have to say to owners who shied away from drafting you?

T.O.: "Suckers. That's why they call it 'fantasy,' because otherwise these so-called owners couldn't manage their own pathetic checkbooks."

So are you predicting a bigger year than last year?

T.O.: "I'm looking at 20 touchdowns, provided the groin holds up, Roy Williams doesn't horse-collar tackle me, and I play 16 games."

Let's say you get those 20 TDs. Will you demand a new contract next year?

T.O.: "Do you really need me to answer that?"

T.O., earlier this year in the midst of your conflict with the Eagles, you compared yourself to Jesus. Do you regret making those statements?

T.O.: Look, I'm not saying I'm Jesus. He's never scored a touchdown in his life. I can't walk on water, but I'm a pretty decent barefoot waterskier. I'm no prophet, but I'm looking to make a profit. So, we do have a lot in common. I'm sure in some bible somewhere, it says 'Thou shalt not hateth the player; hateth the game.'"

Wow, that was a butchering of bible-speak of hellish proportions. I'm impressed. Can we expect a rap album soon?

T.O.: "Has a professional athlete ever released a rap album worth a damn? I don't think so. I would say the 'Super Bowl Shuffle' is the best rap by athletes in the last 20 years, or history, for that matter."

T.O., you played college football at the University of Tennessee-Chattanooga, the Moccasins. What is the mascot? A snake or a shoe?

T.O.: "I think it's an Indian."

Why did you choose to play at UTC?

T.O.: Well, I think UTC was the only school that recruited me. I really wanted to play in the Southeastern Conference, though.

Because an SEC school would have been close to your home in Alexander City, Alabama?

T.O.: "Yeah, that and I hear SEC schools pay the most. But I guess I didn't need to make a name for myself in college. I came into my own in the pros."

What did you study at UTC?

T.O.: "I majored in Anti-Sociology and minored in Human Relations.

What was it like beginning your career playing with Jerry Rice?

T.O.: "Who?"

Jerry Rice. The greatest receiver in the game.

T.O.: "Oh, that Jerry Rice. Jerry taught me humility, compassion, honesty, and a lot of other respectable human qualities that I've failed to utilize."

T.O., what would you like to accomplish in your career to make it complete?

T.O.: "Well, of course I'd like to carry the Eagles to their first Super Bowl. And to be the game's highest-paid receiver would mean a lot as well. It almost embarrasses me to say '$49 million' when I know that Marvin Harrison and Randy Moss make more."

It would pain me, as well, to only make $49 million. I'd be happy with two of those six zeroes.

T.O.: "Okay. Here's a dollar. That gives you two zeroes, plus a decimal. Who says I'm not generous?"

That's mighty kind of you, T.O. Any last words?

T.O.: "No words, just stats. 94 receptions, 1,448 yards, 20 touchdowns. See you in Detroit, then I'll see you in Honolulu."

Also, see Jeffrey Boswell's fictional Randy Moss interview.