Sports Q&A: Mascot Hall of Fame

Bernie from Milwaukee asks, "How can the voters for the Mascot Hall of Fame justify inducting the Famous Chicken, the Phillie Phanatic, and the Phoenix Suns Gorilla while omitting Mickey Mouse and Ronald McDonald?

That's easy. Steroids. It's common knowledge in the mascot industry that Mouse and McDonald were notorious juice fiends, and contrary to popular belief, hated kids. If you've ever noticed, Mouse had abnormally large hands, a direct result of steroid abuse. And McDonald's red hair was a warning sign that he could fly into a rage at any minute, because of the psychological effects of steroids. The makeup was just a cover.

Really, what have Mickey Mouse and Ronald McDonald ever done? Mickey Mouse is nothing more than a glorified Wal-Mart greeter, welcoming visitors to the overpriced Disney Land and Disney World kingdoms, more so than not scaring the daylights out of kids who've never seen a common household mouse, much less a giant, six-foot rodent in red shorts and suspenders. Visitors to those bastions of amusement often look more fondly on baking their feet on the immense square footage of asphalt than they do meeting Mickey Mouse face to face.

As for Ronald McDonald, he's simply a burger merchant, clowning his way through life while providing our daily fat content in one simple meal. Frankly, he's a tyrant, and his subjects in McDonaldland, Grimace, the Hamburgler, and Mayor McCheese, among others, have tolerated his reign of terror for much too long. They are the true heroes there, and they deserve a place in the Mascot Hall of Fame more than Ronald.

On the other hand, those mascots inducted, the Chicken, the Phanatic, and the Gorilla, are all deserving of their enshrinement. The Chicken is the most famous mascot of all time, and there's not many umpires working today that haven't been pantsed by the San Diego native. The Chicken even lit the torch at the 1992 Winter Olympic Games in Albertville. That's famous!

What's more, baseball great Pete Rose dressed as the Chicken at WrestleMania XV, only to find himself tombstone pile-driven at the hands of pro wrestler Kane. That makes the Chicken even more famous. To be impersonated by the greatest baseball player ever, at WrestleMania, and then have your likeness pile-driven ... that's big time, and the Chicken is big time.

The Phanatic has been entertaining baseball fans for well over a quarter century, and has appeared on the Today Show, Good Morning America, and Live With Regis and Kathy Lee. The Phanatic was Grand Marshall of the Phillies' 1980 parade celebrating their World Series win. Perhaps the Phanatic is most well-known for holding the "Guinness Book of World Records" title of "Most People French Kissed."

Like the Chicken and Phanatic, the Suns' Gorilla deserves his place in the Hall. I feel that a jersey-wearing, slam-dunking primate be granted inclusion into any Hall of Fame he so chooses. Trust me, it's not easy being a gorilla in Phoenix, and it's not easy somersaulting off of a small trampoline and gorilla slam dunking a basketball. The Gorilla does that, and more, and is rightly in the Hall. Like Pete Rose, the Gorilla had the honor of being pile-driven by Kane, on a WWE Raw broadcast in 1998.

In short, Mickey Mouse and Ronald McDonald are all fluff and no substance. They are corporate pawns in a corporate world. If they feel ignored by the Hall, then they should do something about it besides selling us burgers or a $100 ticket to Disney World. Show up on wrestling, assault an umpire, grope a hot chick sitting in the front row. Come on, you're a mascot. Follow the examples of the Chicken, Phanatic, and Gorilla, and your time may come.

Amy from San Diego writes, "Now that Phil Mickelson has won his second major, do you think he will win more and, if so, how many?"

It would be ludicrous to assume that Phil Mickelson won't win another major — he certainly has the skills and the experience, and a throng of fans hoping to see it. Let's face it — who doesn't well up with tears when the Mickelson girls run onto the 18th green to give daddy a congratulatory hug? Isn't that precious? After his second major win at the PGA Championship, Mickelson now has the momentum to pile up more majors.

If Mickelson wasn't a motivated individual, he could rest on his laurels and call two majors a career. After all, he just said goodbye to the "one major club," with such one-hit wonders as Ben Curtis, Jim Furyk, Davis Love III (or should I say Davis Love I?), Shaun Micheel, and Mike Weir. More importantly, Mickelson just passed Weir and Bob Charles for all-time major wins by a left-hander. Ned Flanders of The Simpson's fame would be proud, and if the Leftorium could afford Mickelson's endorsement, Flanders' business would explode.

Now, Mickelson finds himself in the "two major club," inhabited by the likes of Greg Norman, Retief Goosen, Curtis Strange, Johnny Miller, Fuzzy Zoeller, Mark O'Meara, Lee Janzen, John Daly, and Jose Maria Olazabal. A talented list, no doubt, but full of golfers who many thought would win more than two. And a list of golfers who are known less for their two majors and more for things they'd rather forget (Norman: losing three majors in one year in which he led after the third round; Strange: lost Ryder Cup as captain; Zoeller: comments made in reference to Tiger Woods' Masters champions dinner choice).

Anyway, I think Mickelson will easily win a third, possibly as soon as next year. I would say five would be a great career, but unfortunately, Mickelson will be measured more against Tiger Woods' major output. And, right now, five would be only be half of Woods' 10, and we all know Woods isn't through. And, to win more majors, Mickelson will have to win when Woods doesn't.

In golf, fans and media alike are guilty of extremely short memories. Only a month ago, after Woods captured the British Open, all the talk was of Tiger passing the halfway point in his quest to match Jack Nicklaus' eighteen majors. Now, after Mickelson's win, that Woods' exploits seem to be almost forgotten. Woods had one of the greatest years in golf, winning two majors and placing second and fourth in the other two. And he's not even 30 yet.

Mickelson is 35 and in his prime, but so is Woods, whose prime seems to be longer than anyone else's. Unfortunately for Mickelson, his best years are coinciding with those of Woods. That's not an ideal setting to win majors, and, when you include all the other major winners likely to win more (Goosen, Ernie Els, Vijay Singh), it becomes even tougher.

I don't know what Mickelson's expectation for himself are, but they're probably quite high. But there's nothing wrong with making five majors his goal. It's reasonable that he could get there, and that would place him in the company of Byron Nelson, Seve Ballesteros, and James Braid, who are legendary. Of course, there's nothing shabby about winning two, three, or four majors. Most of us have zero.

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