Secrets of the 2005 NFL Season: Part 2

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Don't miss part one of Secrets of the 2005 NFL Season!

* Patriots owner Robert Kraft awakens in a cold sweat from a nightmare in which he dreamed he gave one of his Super Bowl rings to Russian president Vladimir Putin. After realizing it wasn't a nightmare, Kraft sees the reality as much worse, when he is informed that Putin has the ring for sale on eBay, along with a signed t-shirt that reads, "I met Patriot's owner Robert Kraft and all I got was this lousy Super Bowl ring." Luckily, Kraft recovers the ring with a winning bid of three Russian rubles and a case of Stolichnaya vodka.

* Burdened by the fact that he's never won a playoff game without John Elway, Denver head coach Mike Shanahan signs John C. Elway, a 58-year-old plumber from Grand Junction, Colorado, to the Broncos' roster. Asked about the move, Shanahan replies, "Maybe everyone is right. I can't win a playoff game unless John Elway is on the team. But no one said it had to be the John Elway. Haha! I've outsmarted you all again. I'm a genius."

Denver qualifies for the playoffs as a wildcard team, but they lose to the Ravens in the first round. Shanahan is stigmatized with another dubious career statistic: winless in playoff games with John C. Elway on the roster. Elway (John C.) sees no on-the-field action all year, but does solve a troublesome leak in the ladies' restroom on the west end zone concourse of Invesco Field.

* Celebrated super-agent Drew Rosenhaus marries his longtime sweetheart in a lavish Miami Beach wedding on September 17th, attended by many of his clients. However, the honeymoon is short-lived, as the marriage is done in by Rosenhaus' manic commitment to his work, and his failure to convince his wife to sign a prenuptial agreement haunts him and his bank account for years to come. His wife blames the failure of the marriage on Rosenhaus' inability to "close the deal" on their wedding night.

* Spike TV, the network for men, announces a joint partnership with the NFL and High Times magazine, in which the lowest-rated game of the week will be rebroadcast on Spike TV on Wednesday mornings at the odd air time of 4:20 AM. The agreement runs only for the first four weeks of the season, to concur with the drug suspensions of Ricky Williams, Eric Warfield, and Onterrio Smith, who will form Spike's announce team. Warfield and Smith will call the play-by-play, while Williams will wander the sidelines conducting interviews, as well as produce special features as he travels to various I-95 underpasses in his 1968 Volkwagen van.

* In the lead-in to ABC's special Thursday night Raiders/Patriots game, color analyst John Madden appears in a provocative skit with Jennifer Garner, sexy star of the hit series Alias. Then Madden drops the massive white towel covering his naked body and proudly states to Garner, "Boom! I'd eat Ben Affleck for dinner. Literally. Are you ready for some meatballs? I mean football?"

"I'm offended, and sickened, but strangely excited," says Desperate Housewives vixen Nicolette Sheridan from her Los Angeles home.

* Florence Cohen, an 85-year-old grandmother who is currently suing Rock Star Games, makers of Grand Theft Auto, because of sexually explicit scenes hidden in the game, announces a lawsuit against EA Sports, manufacturers of Madden NFL 2006. In both cases, Cohen bought the games for her grandson, not knowing that special codes could unlock sexual content. In Grand Theft Auto, a code will reveal nude characters engaging in various carnal acts — in Madden NFL 2006, the special code unlocks the video to the San Francisco 49ers' notorious training video, replete with lesbian acts, off-color jokes, and frolicking, topless blondes.

* Terrell Owens wins the "Most Popular Philadelphia Athlete" contest as voted on by citizens of the City of Brotherly Love. Owens beats out the only other athlete listed on the ballot, former Philadelphia Flyer Eric Lindros.

* Error-prone Saints' quarterback Aaron Brooks makes the most boneheaded decision in his football career when he uses the number one pick in his neighborhood fantasy league to draft Eli Manning, not Peyton Manning. He compounds the incompetence by using his second round pick on Redskins' wide receiver Santana Moss, and not the Raiders' Randy. By round 12, Brooks regains his senses and makes an intelligent and informed pick: choosing himself.

* Seahawks' running back Shaun Alexander holds a slim two-yard lead for the rushing title as time runs down in Seattle's final regular season game at Green Bay. The Seahawks lead 31-30 and hold possession of the ball with only seconds remaining, needing only to take a knee to run the clock out. Seattle coach Mike Holmgren sends quarterback Matt Hasselbeck in motion, leaving Alexander under center. Alexander fields the snap, kneels down, and loses three yards from his rushing total. Seattle wins, but Alexander, for the second year in a row, loses the rushing title by one yard, this time to the Colts' Edgerrin James.

* Ravens' running back Jamal Lewis scores on a 54-yard touchdown run against the Vikings in a Week 16 Sunday night game on ESPN. Announcer Paul Maguire delivers the pun of the year when he quips, "Lewis just took that one to the halfway house." Later in the week, when Lewis hears of the incident, he tries to call Maguire on his cell phone to voice his disapproval of Maguire's choice of words. Instead, he mistakenly calls a known Baltimore drug dealer while the FBI monitors his calls.

* Scheduled to perform "The Star Spangled Banner" at half time of the Super Bowl in Detroit, Whitney Houston and Bobbie Brown never make it to the Motor City, as they are detained at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson Airport for erratic and suspicious behavior. Apparently, Brown, wearing a pilot's uniform, attempts to convince security that he left his twin-engine Cessna with valet parking on the south runway. Security was also alarmed by Brown's large duffle bag, which appeared to move while being screened. Upon a further search, security officials find Houston in the bag among several vials of prescription medication and a carton of Kool Menthols.

Meanwhile, back in Detroit, rocker Ted Nugent fills in, and begins a raucous version of the anthem. However, the Motor City Madman's performance is cut short when he is arrested mid-song for brandishing an assault rifle on the stage.

* Former Oilers' head coach Bum Phillips pays a visit to Texans' coach Dom Capers at Reliant Stadium, with Oiler great Earl Campbell in tow. While Campbell gives the young Texans a pep talk, Phillips slaps the Texans' baseball cap off of Capers' head, and then fits him with a 10-gallon Stetson and a pair of cowboy boots. To complete the ensemble, Phillips presents Capers with a pair of horn-rimmed eye glasses, and an authentic set of Texas longhorns for Capers' station wagon.

"Now you look like a real football coach," Phillips beams.

The Texans go 10-6 and as a wildcard secure their first playoff berth.

* Bengals' receiver T. J. Houshmanzedah legally changes his name to "¥," which loosely translates to "the receiver formally known as Housmanzedah." ¥ has a breakout year, with 1,000 yards receiving and 10 touchdowns, and his jersey sales increase ten-fold, as the name "¥" is clearly visible above his number, and doesn't form a semi-circle around it, as Houshmanzadeh formerly did.

* The Chicago Bears place a full-page advertisement in the Chicago Sun-Times for fan auditions to appear as extras in the "Super Bowl Shuffle: 2005" video. However, a spelling error, in which the "h" in "Shuffle" was replaced with an "o," renders the competition a cook-off for the best soufflé in town. "Iron" Mike Ditka wins the competition with his delicious Hot Chocolate Soufflé. Ditka is then carried from the kitchen on the shoulders of the defeated chefs.