Refunds at Sporting Events?

I have this reoccurring dream where I'm at Shea Stadium watching the Mets blow another game. (Not this year's Mets team, mind you — one of those really painful ones from the early 1990s with Howard Johnson in centerfield and Dave Magadan resembling a human traffic cone at third base.) After the game, I get up from my seat and begin the long walk down the stadium's concrete ramps until I get to the lower level.

I stroll past other sullen Mets fans, their faces masks of disappointment and frustration because their team just put the "pathetic" in "apathetic." I keep walking until I arrive at a window labeled "Fan Relations." Sitting there are two employees wearing Mets polo shirts. One offers me a magnetic schedule and an application for season tickets.

I decline. That's not why I'm standing there.

"I know this is a little awkward, but I was seriously unsatisfied with my experience today."

"I'm sorry to hear that," replies one of the PR drones, which for some reason always looks like Alan Colmes in my dream. "Was there a problem with any of the services here at Shea Stadium? You didn't use the third urinal in the men's room near section 212, did you?"

"No ... can't say that I did," I say. "The services your stadium provided me were fine. It's the product on the field that stunk. I'm extraordinarily unsatisfied ... and I want my money back for this ticket."

Alan glares at the ducat in my hand. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's just something we can do for you."

"Why not?"

"It's just not our policy. You buy that ticket assuming some risk, like the possibility of a loss."

"But it wasn't just a loss. You promised a Major League Baseball game. What I got was a glorified middle reliever giving up seven runs in three innings, and a defeat that left me hoping they'd implement the mercy rule by the sixth inning. I paid for a Major League Baseball game. I didn't get what I paid for."

"Yeah," he replies, "but you're a Mets fan. Dissatisfaction is practically an amino acid in your genetic code. If we knew we had to refund every ticket for an unsatisfied Mets fan ... hell, we might as well just make the tickets free then, shouldn't we?"

At that point, I take the magnet, bid him a good day, and move on to that other dream where I'm mowing Angelina Jolie's lawn and one thing leads to another.

Back in the real world, I've been to a few sporting events where fans have chanted, "refund!" It's the ultimate expression of fan indignation — booing vocalizes frustration, but "refund" is complete and utter dissatisfaction.

But if you were face-to-face with someone who could, in theory, offer such compensation, how would you react? If you didn't walk out of the stadium or arena before the end of the game, can you honestly say you didn't enjoy yourself, at least a little bit? Could you have fun, and then ask for your money back?

The world is made up of two types of people:

Group 1: People who can't overcome their own guilt and humility to ask for a refund if they're only partially dissatisfied with something.

Group 2: Shameless, morally corrupt bastards who laugh at the Group 1 people as they count their refund money, whether they were satisfied or not.

I saw plenty of Group 2 when I was in high school, working at the local Burger King. We had customers who'd come in, order a sandwich, consume said sandwich within one bite of its existence, and then bring the last bite and the wrapper back up to the counter. They'd then claim there was some ghastly mistake made in its construction, lack a lack of cheese, or an over-grilling. (Impossible, by the way, thanks to the King's patented flame-broiler.) Of course, the sandwich was perfectly fine for the first 10 bites; but now, this guy is bitching and moaning until he either gets his money back or gets a new burger. And he usually ended up getting one of them.

Of course, fast food restaurants with pimply faced managers are places where refunds are assumed. Sporting events are on the other end of the spectrum. But let's say you had a chance to get a refund on a sports ticket: could you still go for one if you stayed until the final buzzer? The fact that you remained until the end could be interpreted, in the loosest terms, as an endorsement of your being entertained. A refund for a sporting event would be like a refund for a movie: stay until the credits, and your chances for a refund are bleak.

Unless that movie is "Cinderella Man." And you're watching it in an AMC Theater.

AMC instituted a policy last week through which any moviegoer that pays to see the Russell Crowe/Ron Howard boxing film can get a full refund if he or she does not enjoy the movie.

"It's just an innovative way of drawing attention to the film. This is not something you do every day, and that speaks to the movie," AMC spokesman Pam Blase told the Chicago Sun-Times.

(Of course, it also speaks to the fact that theaters get a pretty large cut of ticket revenues for any film. But we digress...)

It's a fun little marketing tactic, and one that AMC used previously to draw customers to "Mystic Pizza" back in 1988. At the very least, it comes across as a ballsy endorsement of the quality of the film. Something tells me they're not doing this for "Herbie: Fully Loaded."

(And darn it, if I had a radio show, the stunt of the year would have been to get a few hundred people, sellout a showing of "Cinderella Man," and then everybody gets a refund.)

Did it work? Modestly, thus far. The film's per-screen average increased from last week to its first week after the refund blitz. But the bottom line remains that the general public just wasn't stoked to see Seabiscuit-meets-Rocky. Maybe the film would have done better if Max Baer had been blown up by an alien tripod during his match with Jim Braddock.

AMC reported that only a handful of moviegoers requested refunds after the first weekend, which means it gambled correctly: the movie is a good one, and no one's going to scam AMC if they liked the movie. It appears the majority of movie fans are in Group 1, not Group 2.

"I think people would probably have an extremely guilty conscious if they did that after seeing a movie about being moral and doing the right thing," Blase told the Sun-Times.

I haven't seen "Cinderella Man," but this refund thing has me intrigued. Is there room for nuance? Could I go expecting to see an Oscar-quality film, and then ask for a refund if it's just "good?" Could I get my money back if I enjoyed the film, but didn't think Paul Giamatti got enough face time? Is there a refund for me if I walk up to the counter after the flick and say, "Uh, I was under the impression Russell Crowe would throw a telephone at a bellhop at some point in the movie, and he never did. Eight bucks, please..."

Of course there is.

But I wouldn't ask.

"Stupid, no-good, lousy morals..."

We Get Love Mail

As usual ... love, hate or indifference mail: [email protected].

Great feedback from some of you on the "100 Greatest Sports Movie Quotes" column, including this little nugget from Joe McDonald of NYSportsDay.com:

You forgot a real good one:

"I can't think of a better reason not to be a Yankee."
For Love of the Game

Indeed. And this, from Don Kubit:

Great job & a fun read.

Since one of the offshoots of any & all Top (whatever #) Lists is to generate feedback, here are my offerings which you, perhaps, overlooked:

"Son ... Rubbin' is racin'."
Days of Thunder (Robert Duvall)

"God, I love baseball."
The Natural (Robert Redford)

"Baseball was life and I was good at it. Then one day...Pow! right in the head."
The Sandlot (James Earl Jones)

P.S. It doesn't legally qualify because it's not in a "sports movie," but, methinks, another great (sports-related) movie line:

"Golf courses are Nature on a leash."
Sunshine State (John Sayles)

Man ... that "Sandlot" quote is better than the one I picked. By far.

Finally, here's a take from Chris Del Plato on my column about Sidney Crosby, and whether the NHL needs the rookie phenom in New York:

Just read your Jesters Quart - Sidney Crosby, Broadway Bound?

Good stuff.

Here's my take - and it's not biased because I'm also a Devils fan (OK, well, maybe a little) - The absolute BEST place for Crosby to end up is in NJ. That's right, a DEVIL.

Here's my reasoning - we've heard for an NHL eternity that the Devils and their 'trapping style' are part of the reason the sport is in the dire straits that it is (not to mention the lockout). If he really is 'The Next', then the best good he could possibly do is to go to the team who is known for its 'non-offensive tendencies' (even though they led the league in scoring in 2000). Teamed with the likes of Gomez, Elias and Nieds, the skates would be flying and the red light flashing. The NHL has the most to gain by burying the Devils supposed 'bad trap kharma'.

Consider it done.... ;-)

Thanks, Chris. And as a fellow fan of the NJD, you'll get no quarrel from me...

Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].