Sports Q&A: A Day With Jose

Doug from Apex, NC writes, "Juiced to the gills 40/40 man Jose Canseco is set to appear on the new season of VH1's "The Surreal Life". Back in the day when Jose was under house arrest and charging folks $2,500 per day to chill with him, would you have forked over the $2500 clams to hang out in your footie pajamas with the steroid proponent, have him shoot you up, and challenge him to a 24-hour Donkey Kong tournament?"

Would I? You damn skippy I would, but not without the express written consent of Major League Baseball and its subsidiaries. With that, and a signed, or forged, permission slip from my parents, I would have been on my way to the mansion of the former A's slugger and international playboy. Jose would have met me at the door, or maybe further out on his lawn, depending on how far out his ankle bracelet would allow.

Of course, $2,500 is a steep price to pay for a day with anyone, even it was unquestionably worth it, like, say, for a day with Charles Barkley on the golf course, or a day with Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown AYCSS (All You Can Smoke or Snort), or an hour with Jessica Alba.

Luckily, I'm sure I'd qualify for a generous scholarship to cover at least one day with Jose. If not, I feel certain that Jose and I could work out a payment plan to cover my tuition. If nothing else, since Jose can't leave his house, I could run errands, like go to the liquor store, the escort service, or drop off a mysterious package for his twin brother, Ozzie. Or, I could start my own steroid distribution business, and Jose could hook me up with thousands of juicy contacts.

Really, who wouldn't want to spend a day with Jose? Especially if you needed steroid injections from a reputable needle man. And if you needed references for his work, I'm sure Jose would have no trouble giving you the names of many of the baseball superstars he's provided services. However, if you called them to vouch for Jose, I'm sure they would deny ever knowing him. You would just have to take Jose's word for it.

And who on Earth has more credibility and integrity than a man in a house arrest ankle bracelet? If you have the money and the time, you could spend an entire week with Jose, take a few injections, complete a few fiendish workouts with Jose in his state-of-the-art weight room, and bulk up about two pounds. However, you may wake up one morning on Jose's living room couch and find yourself minus a kidney.

Now, as far as the Donkey Kong tournament goes, I would just have to surrender and say, "Jose, you win. I can't beat you at Donkey Kong. You're under house arrest. What else are you going to do but master the game with all that spare time? Now, Jose, take this needle, jam it into my buttocks, and let's go outside, hide behind the bushes, and pick off passers-by with paintball guns."

After we had done that, Jose and I could sit by the pool, sip lemonade, and he could regale me with baseball stories, and an at-length description of Madonna's anatomy. After each intriguing anecdote, I could incredulously reply, "No way, Jose," until Jose was fed up with my yammering.

Then I would whip it out, the wiffle bat and ball, that is, and have Jose relive that classic moment when a long, fly ball by Indian's player Carlos Martinez bounced off Jose's head and over the fence for a home run. I would play the role of Martinez, of course. We would laugh, then I would challenge Jose to a cannonball contest in his pool. Then we could make prank phone calls to various baseball sluggers and ask them, "Are you ready to see the doctor?" Then we could grill stuffed cornish hens for dinner, and chase them with tequila.

All in all, any day with Jose would be entertaining despite the hefty price tag. That's why the other six members of The Surreal Life: 5 cast are so lucky — they get to live with Jose, and they get paid to do so. In past versions of The Surreal Life, we've seen classic reality TV fare, such as the unlikely romance between Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav, and the fiery sexual tension between Ron Jeremy and Tammy Faye Bakker.

Exciting? Or disgusting? Well, that depends on whether you find train wrecks exciting or disgusting. With Jose in the mix, we are bound to witness something even more compelling. For the millions of us who wanted to spend a day with Jose, but couldn't, this is our chance to live it vicariously for free, and spend $2,500 on something more useful.

Michael from Nazareth, PA asks, "Can Formula 1 recover from last week's debacle at the United States Grand Prix in Indianapolis?"

Formula 1 can recover, but the fact that the FIA even allowed what went down to happen casts doubt into F1's commitment to the American fan in the first place. You can best believe that the events in Indy would not have happened had the cars been in Monaco, or Germany, or anywhere else on the F1 schedule, for that matter. The FIA can cast blame on Michelin for not providing an adequate tire; Michelin can blame the FIA for not reaching some sort of compromise with the drivers to participate in the race. The bottom line is only six of 14 cars raced. That's unacceptable, and would be for any other sport in which only 30% of featured participants actually participated.

The timing of the incidents at Indy could not have been any worse for F1. The USGP has been at Indy for six years, and while attendance there does not remotely approach that of the Indianapolis 500, there has been attendance of at least 100,000 on all occasions of F1 races there. I would say that's enough to call it a success. The sudden emergence of Danica Patrick on the open-wheel scene has piqued American, and international, interest in Indy car racing. While there is currently no American with a ride in F1, Californian Scott Speed is in line for a seat on the Red Bull/Jaguar team, possibly as soon as next year. The Patrick/Speed factors, if they were, in fact, to potentially influence American fans towards F1, will be practically negated by the aftershocks from Indy.

To compound the issue, Formula 1 boss and current chauvinist idiot Bernie Ecclestone said recently that women "should be all dressed in white like all other of the domestic appliances" when asked about women in racing, particularly Patrick. Being the English gentleman that he is, Ecclestone called Patrick to explain his words, then repeated the words to her.

If Patrick could have reached across the Atlantic and slapped the Andy Warhol-looking Ecclestone across the face, she could have knocked that old geezer back into next week. Once there, he could have rethought his words and never said them. Where does Ecclestone get his beliefs? From the Robbie Gordon School of Sexism? You would think answering to a queen as his monarch would give Ecclestone a little more respect for women. As it was, Ecclestone's disrespect for women is matched by his disrespect for the American fan.

As mentioned earlier, Formula 1 would never have let a European grand prix be affected as the USGP was. European fans would not allow this in a sport in which they are so passionate about. Likewise, American fans would not allow a NASCAR race to be cheapened in such a way. And NASCAR officials certainly would not have allowed a tire manufacturer to dictate whether a race went down or not.

One of the compromises offered by the F1 drivers running on Michelin tires was that they would agree to race on different tire but not for driver points, since the new tires would be in violation of F1 rules. Even had F1 agreed to this compromise, American fans still would have been denied a legitimate race. Still, this would have been a better option than the six car race we were left with, but still would have been less than fans expected.

If Formula 1 is committed to the American audience, then they will return to Indy, provided the Speedway will have them back. F1 can survive without the USGP, and, after this year's race, American fans can surely survive without a home grand prix. Attendance at any future USGPs will be affected by the events of 2005, and fans can always travel to Montreal for the Canadian Grand Prix. However, As long as F1 doesn't slap the American fan across the face in the future, F1 will have a place at Indianapolis.

Get Your Questions Answered!

Do you have a question or comment? Want your shoes shined and your bed turned down? Need some street credibility? Need confirmation that you did, in fact, see the image of the Virgin Mary in your Jello? Then send your question/shoe size/gangster quotient/religious affiliation to [email protected]. You may get the answer you're looking for in the next column on Friday, July 8th.