Sports Q&A: Danica vs. Robbie

Shirley from Schenectady, New York asks, "Does Robbie Gordon have a legitimate gripe when he claims that Danica Patrick has an unfair advantage as a driver because of her weight?"

Poor Robbie's at a disadvantage to all other race care drivers, or at least those that aren't idiots, aren't whiners, and don't have big mouths. If anything, Patrick has a disadvantage because of her lack of weight; she does not have nearly the strength that her male counterparts have to control their cars.

Aren't you race car drivers always complaining that you don't get enough credit for being true athletes? Isn't strength part of athleticism? You don't hear Patrick complaining that she's not strong enough to drive her car, do you, Robbie Gordon? Even if she did, would she moan that she wouldn't race until the men's cars are made more difficult to drive? No, she'd probably hit the weight room harder than she already does. So, Robbie, take that as a hint. Maybe you should shed some weight, and drop some of the arrogance while you're at it.

Gordon has made a name for himself as the clown dunce of auto racing. It's no wonder that no one has rushed to Gordon's defense. If Gordon lived in a village populated by idiots only, he would still be the village idiot. He's burned all his bridges in NASCAR, where he was probably the most disliked driver, by fans and fellow drivers alike. Now, he refuses to drive an Indy Racing League event until something is done about Patrick's weight advantage. Well, Robbie, we haven't really noticed you weren't driving in IRL, so let's hope IRL does nothing about the situation. That way, we'll never have to see you again.

Think about it, Robbie. In many sports, size is an advantage. In basketball, taller players have their advantages in some aspects of the game. But has a smaller player ever complained that a taller player had an unfair advantage? No. The smaller player has his own advantages that the taller player does not. That's why the tall guy plays center and the shorter guy plays guard.

And, have you ever heard of horse racing, Robbie? In case you haven't noticed, people called jockeys ride the horses? And if you have noticed those jockeys, you would know they are usually of the 5'2", 98-pound variety. There's a reason 200-pound buffoons like you aren't jockeys. No, Robbie, it's not because the horses told them they were too heavy. It's because horses go faster carrying less weight.

A 200-pound jockey wouldn't make it very far in the sport, especially if he demanded that the lighter jockeys strap on weights to ensure that all the horses were carrying equal weights. You do that, and see if you don't end up shoveling horse manure out of D. Wayne Lukas' stable. That is, if the lighter weight-shovelers don't object to the unfair advantage you possess as a heavier shoveler.

If you really want an idea about how silly your request sounds, Robbie, just take a look at your own sport, auto racing. Not every driver weighs exactly the same, so where do you draw the line on how much weight is an advantage?

Let's say Indy 500 champ Dan Wheldon weighs 160 pounds. Is 60 pounds a disadvantage? If so, how on earth was he able to pass Patrick carrying that burdensome, extra 60 pounds? Maybe he just had a faster car, or maybe, just maybe, he's a better driver than Patrick. And maybe Patrick is a better driver than you, Robbie. That's probably what this is all about — your chauvinist mindset won't allow you to admit that Patrick is more talented.

Rodney from Long Island, New York writes, "In the span of a week, golfer David Toms subtly gave the finger to a heckling fan, and Texas Ranger pitcher Francisco Cordero grabbed his crotch while staring at the Royals' bench. Should either be punished?"

Neither athlete was punished by their respective governing bodies, the PGA and Major League Baseball, nor should they have been. In both cases, the gestures were fairly subtle, if the finger and a crotch grab can be called subtle. Other athletes have done worse, and not been punished. That's not to say Toms and Cordero won't see some form of retribution, whether it be from fans or other teams, because they will.

First, let's take a look at Toms. Toms flipped the bird after a member of the gallery heckled him after a three-putt. The key word here is "member," singular. One single fan uttered something that offended Toms, who lost control, and signaled the fan with the old scratch of the nose middle finger. He's lucky he's a golfer — otherwise, he would have heard the same thing from other fans. It could have been much worse. An entire stadium of fans could have chanted, "Who's your daddy?" Or he could have been hit with a cup of beer, or, even worse, a flare, as some lunatic soccer fans have been known to do.

In general, golf fans are probably the most well-behaved of sports fans. Toms should consider himself lucky that's all the negativity he had to face, and be happy he's at the mercy of golf fans, who are probably the only fans who applaud all shots, not just the good ones. Golf fans show quite a bit of decorum, even after they stumble out of the beer tent and into the bleachers at the 17th green.

And golf fans are often too nice — if you're like me, you're sick of hearing fans compliment golfers with the overused phrase, "You the man!" Golf already has enough etiquette, from fans and players alike. Wouldn't golf be great if fans were allowed to heckle? If a basketball player has to take free throws with a swarm of fans screaming and waving behind the basket, shouldn't golfers be subject to the same conditions as they line up a pressure put on the 18th?

Besides, does Toms really think his little gesture intimidated the heckler? I don't think the David Toms' glare ever scared anyone, except maybe Colin Montgomerie. And speaking of Montgomerie, he's an example of a golfer who's failed to realize that if you show your irritation at a heckler, you're just asking for more of the same. And that's what Montgomerie gets every time he sets foot in America, which he rarely does now as a result of his reaction to hecklers.

In Cordero's case, he will likely get his comeuppance the next time the Rangers face the Royals. Luckily, for him, he's a pitcher in the American League, and, with the designated hitter, does not bat. If he did, he would most likely see a fastball sail behind his head. As it is, one of his teammates will likely take the fall and be hit by a Royal pitcher. Aren't the unwritten rules of baseball great?

But, unfortunately, as the unwritten rules of baseball go, it takes several actions to resolve a conflict. In other words, if the Royals throw at the Rangers, then the Rangers charge the mound and a likely bench-clearing brawl ensues. Conflict over? Not likely. The Rangers then may throw at the Royals, leading to more brawls, ejections, etc. Problem not solved.

Now, if baseball had the greatest unwritten rule in sports, the controlled two-man hockey brawl, these type of baseball conflicts could be resolved in one act. When Cordero grabbed his crotch, both teams could have sent out their enforcers for fisticuffs on the diamond. All other players would stay away, and when umpires saw an opportunity to break it up, they would. And those chubby umpires would have no trouble doing so. Two men resolve the conflict and you know it's over when it's over. With bean balls and retaliation, every player on both teams is involved, and you never know if a conflict has reached its end.

Anyway, I agree with the PGA and MLB — no punishment was necessary. But these two athletes will face the consequences of their actions in the future. As the rap group Public Enemy said on vinyl, "You're Gonna Get Yours."

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