Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson crushed all doubts about his ability to maintain his points lead with a resounding victory in the Coca-Cola 600. Johnson's third straight win in the 600 unfolded in dramatic fashion, as he survived a NASCAR record 22 cautions and passed Bobby Labonte on the last lap, closing the books on the five-hour-plus marathon.
"To all those who doubted me," says Johnson, "I would just like to quote my good friend Nelson from The Simpsons and say 'Ha ha!' And, as Bart would say, "Eat my shorts!'"
You've got a right to be jubilant, J.J. In a race that made Otto the bus driver from The Simpsons look like a safe driver, you came out on top. You showed the heart of a champion by recovering from a one lap deficit and pulling out the victory. In doing so, you bumped up your points lead to 71 from a much more precarious 41.
"That's right. Now cue up The Eagles' 'Victory Song' or Santana's 'I'm Winning,' because the Nextel Cup is mine. Maybe I haven't mathematically clinched, but math and NASCAR don't mix anyway."
Johnson has been red-hot (two wins in 2002) and ice-cold (a 34th in the Spring 2004, 38th in the Spring 2003) at Dover. Johnson hopes to duplicate that 2002 success with a successful (top-10) result this week.
2. Greg Biffle — Biffle's sixth-place finish, his best ever in the 600, kept him within striking distance of the points lead, although he lost 30 points to race-winner Johnson. The distance from Biffle to third-place Elliot Sadler is 134 points, so, right now, the battle for the points lead is a two-man competition.
Earlier in the week, Biffle signed a three-year extension to his contract, securing his drive with Roush Racing through 2008.
"It's nice to get that contract deal off my chest," says Biffle. "Right now, I'm happy with the deal. However, come next year, if I feel I deserve more money, I will hold out for a new deal, even though I signed the contract. If we NASCAR drivers are to call ourselves 'professional athletes' in the same class with baseball, basketball, and football players, then we have to act like them. And that means displaying selfish behavior and not honoring the stipulations of our contracts. And faking injuries. And showing up out of shape. And doing drugs. And getting busted for weapons possession. Don't get me wrong. I plan to honor my contract. But if I need to work off some frustration by choking Jack Roush, a la Latrell Sprewell, I'll do it."
Until Biffle shows up wearing a diamond stud in his left ear and a FUBU jersey, I guess we have nothing to worry about.
With three wins and eight top-10s this year, Biffle has been NASCAR's most consistently good performer. He'll need that kind of consistency at Dover. Biffle's best finish in the spring there is a 26th last year.
3. Elliot Sadler — Sadler's 13th in the 600 was not quite as satisfying as his runner-up in the Nextel All-Star Challenge. Then again, his runner-up in the all-star event was nowhere near as exciting as his day on May 28th. That's when Sadler and Jamie McMurray hooked up with tennis goddess Anna Kournikova for an exhibition match across the street from Lowe's Motor Speedway.
"All I can say is 'Wow!'" exclaims Sadler. "They don't make women like that in Virginia. I know Anna's never won a women's pro tournament, but maybe she should try the men's circuit. If those guys are like me, they would have a hard time keeping their eyes on the ball for watching her. She'd never lose."
After the match, Sadler tried to sucker Kournikova into a jersey exchange as competitors often do after international soccer matches. Kournikova didn't fall for the ploy, and Sadler was left topless and with only a signed copy of Kournikova's Maxim cover for his troubles.
With his result in the 600, Sadler moved passed Jeff Gordon to take over the three spot in the points, 205 off the pace. Sadler will welcome the short track at Dover; he's finished second, ninth, and seventh at short tracks this year, including the pole at Bristol.
4. Ryan Newman — Newman's pole-winning ways continued, as he swept qualifying in Charlotte, starting first in the Nextel Challenge and the Coca-Cola 600, and setting a track record in qualifying for the 600. Newman crashed out of the all-star affair, but faired better in the 600, finishing fifth and leaping three spots in the points.
"Hey, go ahead and ask me who wrecked me in the all-star race," says Newman. "Go ahead, punk. Ask me."
Sure thing, Rocket Dude. Who crashed you out of the all-star race?
"My arch-nemesis, Rusty Wallace, of course. I shall soon have my revenge. And I will seek revenge on behalf of Tony Danza, as well. Rusty nearly killed Tony when he turned him over in that go-kart a few weeks ago. I'm going to show Rusty who the boss is."
Well, Ryan, in case you haven't heard, Rusty sold his shares in Penske South Racing, so he no longer has a stake in your car. So now, you and Rusty are free to hate each other in a more logical fashion: as enemies, not as teammates.
Newman is on a roll lately, with two consecutive top ten finishes. With the one mile oval at Dover next up, Newman should continue to excel. He won this race in 2003, and as always, will be a force in qualifying. Look for Newman to nip Jeremy Mayfield for the pole in Friday's qualifying.
5. Jeff Gordon — Gordon and teammates Johnson and Brian Vickers were on schedule for a possible Hendrick 1-2-3 finish until Vickers rammed Bill Elliot, triggering a crash that battered Gordon's No. 24 Monte Carlo. Gordon finished 30th, while Vickers accepted blame.
"We here at Hendrick Motorsports like to settle our disputes in a civilized fashion," adds Gordon. "That's why, unlike the fellows over at Dale Earnhardt, Inc., you won't see us intentionally crash our teammates and badmouth each other in the press. Instead, we accidentally crash our teammates and then badmouth them to their faces. In fact, I just finished berating Brian with a stream of profanities not heard since the fans at Doublemint Stadium, I mean Wrigley Field, cursed and booed me for butchering 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game.' Let me just say to those White Sox, I mean Cubs' fans: your idol, the late Harry Caray, didn't exactly possess the greatest voice. And you want to criticize me for my vocal shortcomings? You're all a bunch of bleacher bums."
In any case, Gordon's 30th cost him two spots in the points, and he now stands fifth, 231 out. Positions three through 10 are separated by only 101 points, so there will be a lot of jockeying for those positions in the upcoming races. Two straight results in the 30s have left Gordon looking for a definitive rebound. Should he steer clear of accidents ahead of him, chances are good he'll do that.
6. Tony Stewart — Stewart started ninth, and, like many others, was plagued by an inability to find a consistent groove, which was exacerbated by the new surface at Lowe's. However, Stewart, along with the No. 20 Home Depot Joe Gibbs Racing Chevrolet crew, had ample opportunity to adjust and adapt, thanks to 22 cautions. As a result, Stewart was up to fourth with 30 laps to go.
"Man, we were sitting pretty," says Stewart, "like Angelina Jolie in a chaise lounge. Then, the bottom fell out, like Roseann Barr sitting in that same chaise lounge."
While cars were falling in line for a restart, Stewart turned to test his wheel clearance when he rammed the car of Dale Jarrett, who was taking his place in line. The damage was done, and Stewart fell two laps down, and eventually finished 24th. He did hold on to position six in the points, however.
Stewart's luck should improve this weekend in Dover. He's finished no worse than sixth in the last four races in Dover, and 11th or better in all 12 of his starts there.
7. Kevin Harvick — Harvick's 600 ride was basically incident-free, unlike his Nextel All-Star Challenge experience, in which he was collected in a crash involving Joe Nemechek. After both cars spinned to rest in the Lowe's infield, Harvick confronted Nemechek with a slap to the helmet of the No. 01 U.S. Army Chevrolet. Nemechek responded by borrowing a line from GM Goodwrench spokesman Stephen Colbert's line from his commercial with Harvick: "Don't dis my wheels, Happy."
"Oh, that's not even close to what he said," Harvick replies. "Joe's words were all of the four letter length, except for the 'you.' You know, I'm not even sure Joe was responsible for that crash. I just know it was time for me to fly off the handle. I'd say once every three races is how often I lose it. I try to tell these guys, 'Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.'"
Well said, Happy. But don't you think you should allow a guy to take his helmet off before you slap him? In hockey, the players have an unwritten rule that they'll drop the gloves before fighting. Shouldn't you guys agree to drop the helmets before engaging? After all, Jimmie Spencer didn't slap Kurt Busch with Busch's helmet on, did he?
Harvick has six straight finishes in the top 20, but only one of those in the top 10 (fifth at Richmond). A top-10 at the Monster Mile in Dover would certainly make Happy happy.
8. Carl Edwards — Edward's first top-10 finish since Darlington moved him back into the top 10 in points for the first time since late April after Phoenix. Edwards' third-place was the best Roush Racing result of the day, but it did, however, come at a price: Edwards raised the ire of Dale Jarrett by bump drafting the No. 88 UPS Ford and sending it for an infield spin. Jarrett retaliated later by bumping Edwards.
"You know," says Edwards. "I'm just glad D.J. chose to exact retribution on the track and not elsewhere. I, like everyone, fear the 'Dale Jarrett Inspirational Lecture.' I'm just glad Dale didn't poke his head through my window and give me a good dressing down. That's embarrassing. I did have my middle finger cocked and ready, but I wisely chose to holster it."
In his only Nextel Cup start at Dover, Edwards finished 18th after qualifying 15th in last year's MBNA America 400. Look for the young Edwards to improve on that finish, and challenge near the top-10.
9. Jamie McMurray — McMurray was the lone bright spot for Chip Ganassi Racing on Sunday, although calling a 21st-place finish your "bright spot" must mean that your other drivers really stunk it up. And stink it up they did. Not just McMurray's NASCAR teammates Casey Mears and Sterling Marlin. But also, Indy Racing League teammates Scott Dixon and Darren Manning. Mears and Marlin finished 34th and 39th, respectively, in Charlotte, while Dixon and Manning could only manage 24th and 29th at Indy earlier in the day.
Ganassi was in Charlotte to witness the carnage in person, and could only throw his hands in the air in disgust as his cars continually hit the wall.
"Uh oh. Better get Maaco," Ganssi reportedly mumbled jokingly. He then called his sheet metal supplier to place a very large order.
Despite two spins and a finish one lap down, McMurray maintains his ninth-place in the points. He has two top-10s in Dover in his four Cup races there, and has never finished lower than 15th. He also has two top-10 qualifying efforts there. McMurray has displayed consistency all year, with no finish lower than 25th since coming home 32nd at Daytona. He'll need to remain consistent and start closing the deal to make a move up the rankings.
10. Jeremy Mayfield — Mayfield scored his second top-five this season despite his worst qualifying effort of the year, as he started 36th on the grid. Powering his No. 19 Evernham Motorsports Dodge to fourth, Mayfield managed to avoid major damage in the marathon 600 marred by 22 cautions. Mayfield now stands 13th in the points, 330 behind Johnson.
"That's right. I finished fourth," says Mayfield. "But do you hear anyone talking about it? No. Am I on SportsCenter? No. Does Larry King want to interview me? No. Hey, I finished fourth just like Danica Patrick at Indianapolis. Why can't I get the same amount of publicity she does? This is clearly a case of sex discrimination. As soon as I find out who to sue, I'm sueing."
I'll tell you a better plan of action, Jeremy, if publicity is what you crave: drop about 100 pounds, let your hair grow, and apply makeup, heavily. Don't stop until you look like Danica.
Mayfield should not have to rely on looks for a top result in Dover. He won the last two poles in Dover, and backed those up with eighth- and seventh-place finishes on race day. Another top 10 will probably land Mayfield in the top 10 in points.
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