Secrets of the 2005 NFL Season

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

* Ricky Williams returns to the Miami Dolphins subject to a list of conditions that stretches from Orlando to Key West. Specifically, Williams is ordered to submit to drug tests bi-hourly, and is forbidden to be within 50 feet of any head shop. Also, Williams is not allowed access to the music of Bob Marley, Dr. Dre, The Grateful Dead, Tone Loc, and Cypress Hill.

"Let me be blunt," comments new Dolphin coach Nick Saban. "We are high on Ricky's return. However, we are concerned that Ricky's absence from football may have weakened his ability to take hits. But, I'm sure that once Ricky gets into game shape, he will suffer no chronic effects from his inactivity."

Williams promises his coaches and teammates that he will be on the straight and narrow.

"I'm stoked to have this opportunity. With the support of my coaches and teammates, as well as that of my new-found spiritual leader, Buddha, and my parents, Herb and Mary Jane Williams, I will be the Ricky that rushed for over 1,800 yards in 2002."

* In the span of eight hours on August 25th, the Dolphins' David Boston fails a drug test, a physical, an eye exam, and the Florida state drivers' test.

* The Cleveland Browns' Kellen Winslow II announces his return to action by skydiving to midfield of Cleveland Stadium moments before kickoff of the Browns' September 11th home-opener. A sudden shift in the winds causes Winslow to veer off course, and he crashes into a motorcycle in the parking lot. He re-aggravates injuries suffered in his April 14th motorcycle crash. Luckily, Winslow has his helmet strapped, and suffers no head injuries. Despite his injuries, Winslow downplays the incident.

"It's not that I'm making foolish choices. I'm just having a run of bad luck in parking lots."

Later that week, Winslow's brand new Hummer H3 is dinged by a runaway shopping cart at a Cleveland Kroger grocery store parking lot.

* Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb makes a wager with coach Andy Reid that if McNabb can go the entire season without vomiting or dry heaving on the field, Reid will don a skin-tight, full body suit. McNabb wins the bet, and Reid holds up his end of the bargain, squeezing into the suit. Moments later, however, the suit has to be surgically removed when it constricts the blood flow to Reid's brain.

* Ex-Cowboy offensive lineman and current drug fiend Nate Newton, displaying his desire to be the best at whatever he does, calls in all the favors he collected serving his sentence, takes over as czar of the Medellin Columbian drug cartel. After considering a number of ex-Cowboys for the position, Newton names Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson his first lieutenant.

* A new ride, "The Michael Vick Experience II," open to females only, opens at the ESPN Zone in Orlando, Florida. It is shut down after two days, due to lack of interest and a failed sanitation rating.

* Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smth, a compensated spokesman for "The Original Whizzinator" drug test avoidance kit, buys his own "Whizzinator" franchise, and opens a "Whizzinator Hut" in the Mall of America in Minneapolis. While serving a yearlong drug suspension, Smith pours his heart into his business, and attains some prime product placement time for his apparatus. "The Whizzinator" appears in one of The Game's rap videos, in a Chappelle's Show skit, and is bid upon on an episode of The Price is Right.

"It's only a matter of time before we conquer the adult movie industry, as well," Smith says proudly.

* Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning ties his NFL record of 49 touchdown passes in a season, throwing 10 touchdowns to four different players. To offer congratulations, New England quarterback Tom Brady sends Manning a snow globe containing a likeness of Manning and several Patriot defenders. When the globe is shaken, snow falls, the Manning character throws and interception, and snaps off his chin strap in disgust.

* Terrell Owens makes a deal with the devil and sells his soul, then demands to renegotiate the deal, citing the fact that two higher paid receivers, Randy Moss and Marvin Harrison, make comparable money to Owens, but, in their own deals with the devil, have retained the rights to their souls.

* Cincinnati wide receiver Chad Johnson guarantees that if the Bengals win 12 games, they will make the playoffs.

* In the Rams' October 9th game against Seattle at the Edward Jones Dome, St. Louis head coach Mike Martz calls three time outs before the opening kickoff, then order kickers Jeff Wilkins to on-side kick, which is easily recovered by the Seahawks. Martz then asks for a 20-second timeout, then, strangely, asks for a mulligan. After both requests are denied, Martz shoves the head linesman, and he is served with a yellow flag for unsportsmanlike conduct. The loony Rams leader challenges the call with his red flag, which is quickly overturned and tossed back in his face. After the game, Martz accuses quarterback Marc Bulger of trying to kill him.

* In a charity track and field event, new Dallas quarterback Drew Bledsoe, head coach Bill Parcells, team owner Jerry Jones, and special guest Vinny Testaverde raise $50,000 for a local hospital by breaking the four-minute barrier ... in the 4x100 meter relay. Bledsoe anchors the team with a 54-second leg, including a 27-second last 40-meter split, a career best. An excited Bledsoe then chest bumps Parcells, and Bledsoe suffers internal bleeding as a result of the collision.

* Minnesota head coach Mike Tice snatches $12.50 for two complimentary tickets to his 12-year old niece's ballet recital, then later collects $500 apiece for two backstage passes for the Rolling Stones' visit to Minneapolis on September 6th. In January, Tice leads the Vikes to the NFC Championship, where they are defeated by the Carolina Panthers.

* Rookie Broncos running back Maurice Clarett's 1973 Monte Carlo, complete with stock AM/FM radio, is stolen outside of the Denver training facility. When questioned by police and insurance adjusters, Clarett claims the car was a Mercedes-Benz 350 SL, and stolen with the car was $40,000 in quarters and D.J. equipment worth $50,000.

* Packers quarterback Brett Favre drills a 65 miles per hour pass to receiver Javon Walker on a five-yard out on the first play Green Bay's first pre-season game on August 12th. Walker catches the pass, but breaks three fingers on his right hand.

"Well, I guess he can't sign a new contract now," Favre later jokes.

* Randy Moss scores his first touchdown as a Raider against the Patriots on ABC's Thursday night opener on September 8th. In a totally innocent gesture to the Patriot fans regarding their teams Super Bowl success, Moss intends to raise his ring finger to announce that he will have a ring soon. However, Moss mistakenly raises his middle finger, shooting the bird to a sold out Gillette stadium and a record number of viewers for a Thursday night game.

* New Arizona Cardinal Kurt Warner wins the starting job at quarterback, and starts the season strong with 273 yards passing and three touchdowns in the season opener at the New York Giants. However, Warner's wacky wife Brenda does not endear herself to the Cardinal organization when she calls a local radio station to protest the new, "meaner" Cardinal logo.

"That cardinal seems to be possessed by demons," Brenda Warner explains. "The Lord never intended for a cardinal to be that evil, much less appear on a football helmet. This is an outrage. I demand that Kurt be traded!"

Warner then makes the greatest play of his career: dumping his wife.

* In an October 9th game at Detroit, Baltimore safety Ed Reed sets an NFL record by intercepting three different quarterbacks in the same game. Reed pilfers a pass each from Joey Harrington, Jeff Garcia, and rookie Dan Orlovsky, and returns two for touchdowns, racking up 215 return yards on the game. The Ravens win 14-0. Reed later collects his second straight Defensive Player of the Year award.

* Great Britain's Prince Charles threatens a hostile takeover of the Tampa Bay franchise unless Bucs owner Malcolm Glazer relinquishes his control of the Manchester United Soccer Club. At first, Glazer calls the Prince's bluff, but when the Prince of Wales sends Glazer a nude photo of Camilla Parker Bowles in a Bucs' helmet, Glazer is forced to withdraw.

"Nobody plays as ugly as we British," boasts Prince Charles. "Cheerio."

* San Francisco head coach Mike Nolan, in protest of the ignoring of his suggestion that coaches wear suits to games, appears on the sideline in a tuxedo print t-shirt, cummerbund, and a kilt.

* New England wins its third straight Super Bowl, defeating the Carolina Panthers, 27-24. Corey Dillon is named MVP.