Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Like a blistered, right front tire after 30 laps of hard racing on a track of sand paper, Johnson is losing his grip ... on his points lead, that is, and possibly his sanity. Saturday in Richmond, on lap 80, Johnson checked up on an incident in front of him, then was bumped from behind and booted into the infield wall. As his car hobbled to the pits, brake failure resulted in another meeting with the wall, and Johnson's day was done. A 40th-place finish left Johnson clinging to a precarious 41-point lead over second-place Greg Biffle, and longing for a drink, preferably a Harvey Wallbanger.
"I'm still standing better than I ever did," notes Johnson. "Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. Don't you know I'm still standing..."
Okay, Jimmie. I don't know if you realize it, but you're quoting Elton John there. Sure, the words fit, but I'm sure Elton had something a little less manly than NASCAR when he uttered those words.
"Okay, then I'll say this. I guarantee that I will not relinquish my points lead before the field is set for the Chase for the Cup."
I tend to agree with Johnson. That's why he's still number one in the power rankings. By my rationale, the points leader should be number one regardless of any slump he's facing. Forty-one points is not a huge lead; it's not a small lead; but it is a lead. You would certainly have the points leader after one race on top of your power rankings, even with less than a 41-point lead. Why should it be different after 11 races?
Lowe's Motor Speedway has to be a sight for sore eyes to Johnson. This is the track that will get his game back on track. Johnson has won three of the last four Cup races at Charlotte, including a pole at last year's Coca-Cola 600. Johnson's major sponsor, Lowe's, has their name all over the track. Johnson will bump up his points lead to a more secure margin, and he might even win the all-star event before that.
2. Greg Biffle — Lately, Biffle has been content to cruise around the track and wait for the leaders to suffer an accident. That strategy served him well in Richmond, as Biffle raced in the top 10 for the majority of the evening, while three of his rivals, Johnson, Jeff Gordon, and Kurt Busch, struggled. When the dust and debris settled, Biffle was rewarded with a sixth-place finish, which left him only 41 points behind Johnson.
"You know, you hate to gain ground at the expense of your competitors' misfortune," Biffle explains, "but ... wait a minute. No I don't. I don't mind at all. It's just another case of drivers not having the guts to say what they mean. Of course, I don't want to see any of them physically injured, but if they were to drive into a black hole after one lap, it would make my day easier."
Biffle will use the all-star race this Saturday as a tune-up for the Coke 600 on May 29. Biffle's best finish in Charlotte is 16th in 2003, while Johnson is a sure bet for a top-five there, if not the outright win. To remain on Johnson's tail, Biffle needs a career day in the 600. The all-star race will be a test session for the #16 Ford.
"If Jimmie receives an obscene phone call with heavy breathing," says Biffle, "it will be me. I'm no pervert; I just want him to get used to my hot breath breathing down his neck."
Biffle will really have to step up his game to challenge Johnson at Charlotte. I think he will remain conservative and shoot for a top-15, while hoping misfortune befalls the frontrunners once again.
3. Jeff Gordon — Like his Hendrick Motorsports counterpart Johnson, Gordon ended his day is Richmond with the most dreaded three-letter abbreviation in auto racing: the infamous "DNF."
"Hey, it could be worse," says Gordon. "At least it's not 'RIP,' 'DOA,' 'MIA,' or even 'SOB,' which I hear quite often. And it could be worse than that. It could be 'RZA,' 'GZA,' 'ODB,' or some other member of Wu Tang, dead or alive. On the bright side, I'm three points closer to Jimmie than I was before the race."
Gordon's day was ruined when, on lap 165, he went high to avoid a crash when he should have went low, and ended up tasting the wall. After a lengthy session in the garage, Gordon returned some 50 laps down, and, after a few velocity-challenged trips around the track, accepted his 39th-place finish and called it a night.
"Look, I openly accept blame for my crash," admits Gordon. "I made the wrong choice, but shouldn't my spotter have offered me some suggestions in that situation? I should have known something was amiss when I saw my spotter taking his position under the guidance of a seeing-eye dog. Hey, c'est la vie. That's life. That's just the way it goes."
Gordon is a three-time winner of the all-star race, and has five top-10s in the last six points races at Charlotte. And Lowes Motor Speedway president Humpy Wheeler has picked Gordon to win the Nextel All-Star Challenge. If someone named "Humpy" says it will happen, chances are good it will. Gordon also tested on the new surface at Lowe's, and easily adapted. Expect Gordon to be a force in both the all-star race and the Coca Cola 600 the following week.
4. Tony Stewart — For the second time this season, Stewart fell just short of capturing his first win of the season with a second-place result. At Talladega, Stewart ran into the Jeff Gordon juggernaut. This time, Stewart battled Kasey Kahne until the end, but couldn't overtake the Dodge, and eventually lost by 1.67 seconds. Stewart led 142 laps, second to Kahne's 234, and saved a spin on lap 234 while leading that dropped him to fifth.
"Mighty Kasey came to bat, and he slapped a home run," says Stewart. "There will be no joy in Mudville, but people are pretty happy in Kasey's hometown of Emunclaw, wherever the heck that is. But enough about Kahne. Let's talk about something much more important: where the hell is Dave Chappelle?"
Good question, Tony. My guess is he's holed up somewhere brainstorming with his crew and a big, fat doobie. Maybe he'll turn up as Grand Marshall in Charlotte.
Seriously, though, Stewart's second-place finish moved him up one notch to sixth in the points, but, more importantly, only 165 away from Johnson. Before Richmond, Stewart was 297 back. He should run up front in Charlotte, as well. The No. 20 Home Depot Joe Gibbs Racing Monte Carlo scored two top-10s there last year, and Stewart won in Charlotte in 2003.
5. Elliott Sadler — It was quite a homecoming for Virginia native Sadler, who recorded a seventh-place finish on Saturday, his best ever in a Cup race at Richmond, a day after narrowly losing to Carl Edwards in the Busch Series Funai 250. Sadler now has top-10s in each of the three short track races this year.
"It's nice to be able to please my native Virginians with such a good weekend," explains Sadler. "Normally, all it takes to make them happy is a winning Virginia Lottery ticket, a Moon Pie, and a pack of Kool Menthols."
Last year in Charlotte, Sadler posted two top-10 finishes, as well as two top-10 qualifying efforts. He also finished eighth in the all-star event last year. Sadler has established himself as a serious contender for the Nextel crown. A top-10 in the Coca Cola 600 would only solidify that standing.
6. Kurt Busch — Despite falling two laps down late into Saturday's race, Busch had no profane words for NASCAR officials, and kept his water bottles in the car and off the noggins of pit road officials. NASCAR officials must have made their point regarding Busch's behavior at Darlington, although they chose no disciplinary action at all.
"Oh, I was disciplined all right," says Busch. "Luckily, I didn't have to give up any points or cash, but I've never been paddled that hard since third grade, when I glued a kid's hand to his ear."
Busch was looking pretty, standing second and ready to take the green when he radioed his pit that his car was making a "bad noise." Busch pitted, and dropped two laps to the field while his team investigated. After returning, Busch rallied, making up the two laps, and finished 17th, the last car on the lead lap.
So, Kurt, did you ever determine what the "bad noise" was?
"No, we never found evidence of anything wrong. Honestly, I think NASCAR officials tapped in to our radio frequency and piped in the sound of a breaking gear. Those jokers!"
Busch now stands fifth in the points, 155 behind Johnson. He was solid at Charlotte last year, with an 11th and a fourth. He also caused a big wreck in the all-star event last year. As is always the case, when Busch stays out of trouble, on and off the track, he's a threat to win.
7. Ryan Newman — With his second straight top-five result, the Rocket Man may have finally found the proper balance between qualifying excellence and race results.
"Yeah man, to heck with winning the pole," says Newman, "Starting second is the place to be for me and my Penske, you see? Why waste so much energy trying to win the pole when you can qualify second and basically start even with the pole sitter? See, I've got a college degree. I'm the thinking man's racer. If you look closely on my on-board camera, you'll see my diploma from Purdue displayed on my dashboard."
Newman does have a point about the pole. He's started three times as pole-sitter, and his best finish in those races is ninth, in Las Vegas. In his three starts from the second position, Newman has a fourth, fifth, and a third, respectively. Has Newman found his secret to racing for the checkered flag?
"Yo, I still want to bum rush the front row," says the No. 12 Dodge driver, "but I want to avoid that pole. I figure as easy as it is for me to win the pole, it will be just as easy to ease up and add a tenth or two to my time and take second."
Newman has won three of the last four poles in Charlotte. Expect him to battle Jimmie Johnson for the pole, and contend in the top-five in both the all-star race and Coca Cola 600.
8. Kevin Harvick — Starting from the seventh position, Harvick passed Tony Stewart on lap 53 for the lead and five bonus points. Harvick hovered around the top five until lap 233, when a Stewart spin brought out a caution. After an uncharacteristically slow pit stop, Harvick and the No. 29 GM Goodwrench Chevy lost ground, six spots to be exact, and could not seriously challenge for the win thereafter.
"You know, I've had faster service at Jiffy Lube," complains Harvick, "and the Burger King drive-thru on training day. Heck, it could have been my fault. Maybe I pulled into the self-service stall and not the full-service. Anyway, I can't complain about a fifth-place."
Indeed, Harvick's top-five placed him back in the top 10 in the points race, at number eight, 198 from the top. Harvick's points standing has been no higher than sixth and no lower than 13th, so he has been consistent. By virtue of his win in Bristol, Harvick will try his luck in the Nextel All-Star Challenge, then will look to the Coca-Cola 600 to build on his third top five this year.
9. Jamie McMurray — McMurray was well on his way to a top-five finish when a bump from Kyle Busch on lap 394 dropped him back five places. McMurray recovered and managed to secure the 10th-place spot by race's end. The bump cost him a chance to move up in the points race, but with his tenth, McMurray is solid at number nine, 211 points down to Jimmie Johnson.
"Those dad gummed Busch brothers!" exclaims McMurray. "If they're not berating and assaulting NASCAR officials, they're playing bumper cars with me. Kyle, just because Tony the Tiger is on your hood gives you no right to Froot Loop me. Next time you bump me, I'm going 'Snap! Crackle! Pop!' upside your head, Special K."
This Saturday, McMurray will try to qualify for the all-star showdown by winning the Nextel Open. The following Sunday, the No. 42 Havoline Dodge pilot will look for his fourth straight top-10 this year. Chances are good for an extension of the streak; McMurray logged two top-10s in Charlotte last year.
10. Kasey Kahne — With his win in Richmond, Kahne became the first driver since Joe Nemechek in Kansas last year to win from the pole. Kahne's second straight pole resulted in his first career Nextel Cup victory, and advanced him four places to 15th in the points. The No. 9 Evernham Motorsports Dodge's win also broke the stranglehold on Victory Circle held by either Roush or Hendrick cars in the last five races.
"It feels great to get my first win," notes Kahne. "Since I started in NASCAR, I've had this monkey riding my back who's always saying, 'You can't win. You can't win.' Well, monkey, I did win, and I'm kicking you to the curb. If you need work, take this banana, head to Hollywood, ask for Clyde, and find you a Clint Eastwood movie in which to star."
As a result of his win, Kahne also gets to pimp his ride in the All-Star Challenge, joining this year's race winner, last year's race winners, the winner of the Nextel Open, and one driver voted in by fans. Kahne will also look to improve on his 12th-place finish in last year's Coca Cola 600.
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