A Major League Baseball team, like the human body, is made up of a handful of independently operating systems — each demonstrating its own unique functionality — none of which can work efficiently without the others doing the same. As with humans, the most successful teams have the most effective synergies between each of these systems.
Keeping these systems healthy is, first and foremost, the most important factor in maintaining a unit's efficacy both when talking about the human form or your favorite baseball squad. Secondary to health, but not too far back in terms of overall importance, is a smooth-running nervous system (coaching and management). A well-rounded musculoskeletal system (lineup) gives a unit the ability to physically dominate and a hearty respiratory system (pitching rotation) creates an advantage over the long haul of a 162-game schedule and introduces the opportunity to finish strong.
An effective digestive system (bullpen) is essential for the other systems to be best utilized. If the digestive system can't keep things from being regurgitated, it is of little use to the rest of the unit. Finally, the circulatory system (intangibles; i.e. bench, base running, heart, etc.) acts as a lifeline to every other part, if there are inefficiencies with this system, eventually the others will breakdown and ultimately fail.
Each spring, every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a journalism degree, a penchant for sports, or even just a pencil and paper, espouses their opinions on where each team will finish and why. Using the methodology and analogies above, however, all questions about a team's performance can be answered accurately, concisely and rather simply.
I'm no doctor, but I'll play one in this article — you can call me the Web MT (Aren't I clever?!). Here are the results of my physicals for the five healthiest and five unhealthiest MLB franchises this year. I'll "translate" the first few, but it's up to the reader to get the hang of this metaphorical stew after that.
The Good
1. St. Louis Cardinals — As solid a backbone and as developed an overall physique as there is out there with a surprising lung capacity. Their digestive system isn't as efficient as in year's past, but still gets the job done. Strong heartbeat and a super-sharp nervous system further guarantee health.
[Definition: As good a lineup top to bottom as there is with surprisingly good rotation. Bullpen is battered and undermanned, but still relatively effective. Great coached team with a lot of heart and a firm hold on the fundamentals.]
2. Boston Red Sox — Some very well-developed muscle groups with a solid skeletal structure as a base. Digestion is not really a problem. Lungs have been through the proverbial ringer and aren't as young as they used to be but are still able to do the job. Nervous system is underdeveloped, but seems to be very sharp. Showcase the strongest pulse in the group, which will allow for a steady, consistent pace with few highs and lows and long-term success.
[Definition: Have a lineup that complements each other nicely with a good core of leaders. Bullpen is adequate and rotation is aging, but still gets the job done. Management is young and inexperienced by early returns are good. Have the best hold on the intangibles of any of the other MLB teams, which will allow for a consistent year and ultimate long-term success.]
Okay, you're on your own for the rest of these!
3. Chicago White Sox — Surprising strength and durability for smallish physique. Digests food quickly, which helps power the body efficiently. Transplanted and young set of lungs look to be more than enough to get through the finish line. Circulatory system operates with efficiency. Patient has a bit of a nervous twitch, but otherwise no problems should surface over the long haul and early positive returns should be the norm throughout the competition.
4. Atlanta Braves — Health nut that just "gets it" year in and year out. Annually reworks body reflective of needs. Not afraid to let some muscle groups go, as strength of nervous system picks body up in areas that would otherwise be weakened by age or lack of attention. Heartbeat and circulation is not overly strong, but definitely very steady. Get as much capacity out of respiratory system as any other. Patient has to fight occasional bouts of indigestion, but otherwise showcase as physically fit a body of work as there is.
5. Chicago Cubs — Overall, body is well-developed, though may carry a few extra pounds around the waist and does have "soft spots" that tend to break down. Marathon-runner-type with unbelievable lung capacity should have no problem going long distances, but there are some concerns with "raspy" early results. Digestion is a mess — tendency to regurgitate, which regularly takes away from ability for body and lungs to get the job done. Nerves seem to misfire from time to time, but when sharp, are as healthy as there is. Lots of questions about strength of the heart, but any arterial blockages seemed to have been purged during the offseason. Certainly healthier than early test results would indicate and, once minor aches and pains get cleared up, should be in good position for a strong stretch run.
The Bad
28. Houston Astros — This patient displays a set of lungs that would make Moby Dick jealous ... highly-efficient and healthy, long-distance running is no chore. Digestive system is efficient in waste removal, but tests pick up a few small ulcers that have proven to be trouble spots from time to time. Scoliosis of the spine diagnosed and muscular deterioration is beginning to be seen as age creeps in. Neurologically, hard to figure as new synapses don't seem to be as efficient as originally hoped. Blood flow to lungs is strong, but extremities go numb from time to time as a result of poor overall circulation. The recommendation would be to give up on this year's competition and focusing on developing underused muscle groups for future years.
29. Cincinnati Reds — Powerful build, good posture, nice overall look. Patient suffers from "smoker's lungs", evidenced by diminished capacity and a rough, grating cough. It's hard to get a lot out of a body like this when bad habits leave it so short-winded. Huge bleeding ulcer causes sharp pains during digestion, though sometimes ulcer holds out and digestion works effectively. Patient is a nervous wreck that seems to make one bad decision after another. Minor blockage found in arteries, but otherwise decent circulation. Heavy therapy is a must if a turnaround anywhere in the near future is expected. Surgery may also be necessary to replace damaged segments of the nervous system.
30. Seattle Mariners — Historically weak competitor has bulked up this year, but seems to have neglected back and legs and has shown weakness in joints. Patient should work more on long distance running, as respiration seems to be labored after a strong early burst. Bleeding ulcer a bit of a scare, but under control and probably not as bad as early results would indicate. Heartbeat is strong, but extremity circulation suffers from an apparent blockage somewhere along circulatory system. Almost seems like nervous system is communicating to body in Japanese, as some connections work great and others are complete failures. The easiest fix would be to teach the patient Japanese, but this just is not practical. A better training regiment is the more feasible solution, but a daunting one indeed.
31. Colorado Rockies — Terrible smoking habit has damaged lungs, and high altitude home has not helped cause, either. Poor digestion pretty much eliminates any ability for sustained success. Very strong heartbeat and backbone, but strength is waning and some muscles are beginning to atrophy. Many nerve endings have died and nervous system lies in disarray. A diagnosed heart murmur is a real cause for concern. Major surgical corrections would need to be made for this patient to see positive steps over the short term. It is a shame that such a solid base has gone neglected for so long, but the reality is that neglect has left all major systems in turmoil.
32. Kansas City Royals — Suffers from a plurality of maladies. From irritable bowel syndrome to Parkinson's Disease, their nervous, digestive and circulatory systems are a mess. What little development that remains in a musculoskeletal system ravaged by a shocking loss of muscle mass also seems to be deteriorating and will likely be gone sooner rather than later. It seems the best plan of action for resuscitation of this patient would be to start from scratch and re-teach the fundamentals of walking and talking and then worry about motor skill development later on in the process. This is the worst-case scenario and may be a lost cause.
There you have it! A simple personification of Major League Baseball's teams and a routine physical examination of those teams can lead to some very insightful conclusions. Based on the results of my tests, it is quite clear that we'll see a rematch of last year's World Series, only this time around the Cardinals will edge the BoSox across the finish line.
At least that's what early diagnoses intimate. As with people, sometimes ordinary beings can put forth extraordinary performances, defying convention beyond measure and analysis. We could, of course, argue about these "immeasurables" until we are blue in the face, but that will do little more than add a migraine to an already cloudy and convoluted exercise in futility.
My advice to you would be to take two aspirin and call me in October.
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