When a Caddie Shacks Up

After writing and rewriting about 11 different leads for this column, I'm just going to state the facts. There is really no other way to explain the most ludicrous lawsuit to rock the golf world in some time. Apparently, Gary Robinson, the former LPGA caddie for Jackie Gallagher-Smith, is suing his former boss, claiming that she seduced him in order to get pregnant. In other words, Gary Robinson is a moron.

There are so many things wrong with this situation that I don't even know where to start. I guess the first question I have is why is Robinson, 26, still a caddie? I know taking a job as a caddy is a good way to make some money on the side, but unless Robinson is the oldest high school senior I've ever heard of and he needs to save his money for prom, it's time for him to move on.

Robinson started caddying for Gallagher-Smith a little more than a year ago, and he said she started coming on to him almost immediately. He went on to say that he was in an emotional state at that period in his life after a breakup with his girlfriend. Stop there. I never could've seen this coming, mainly because I would've bet good money that Robinson didn't have a girlfriend to begin with.

That being said, why would she break it off with him? Did she get tired of receiving tokens for buckets of balls as birthday gifts? Wasn't she satisfied with free rounds of golf instead of dates? After all, nothing says, "I love you" like 15% off her next purchase from the pro shop. Nevertheless, the girl was gone, and Robinson was in a tough state.

It was then that Gallagher-Smith, who had been known as a devout Christian and was Robinson's spiritual adviser, began coming on to him. During the next several months, the two engaged in unprotected sex more than a few times, resulting in Gallagher-Smith getting pregnant. Now Robinson is claiming he was used as an "unwitting" sperm donor.

What's "unwitting" about unprotected sex? If she was making him do something he didn't want to, why did he keep doing it? I know he was a 26-year-old caddy, so I'm not pushing the argument that he's the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he can't still believe that babies are delivered via stork. Why does he think there's a kid in every NBA city that sends Shawn Kemp a card on Father's Day? This lawsuit has about as much justification as the overweight kid suing McDonald's for making him fat.

I'm sure Robinson wants to get either a few extra bucks out of Gallagher-Smith or score a guest role on "Desperate Housewives," but nothing about his case makes any sense. Didn't he see anything wrong with a spiritual adviser that practiced adultery instead of preaching against it?

Didn't he have any warning bells going off in his head when he was contemplating this suit? If she was after a sperm donor, why would she pick Robinson? Did she want a baby girl who could play golf and carry her own clubs? Robinson is also upset that this scandal has hurt his chances of landing another caddying job.

"The likelihood that I will ever get another caddying job, especially in the LPGA, is very, very unlikely," he said.

He should thank her for that, now he's forced to get a real job. Years from now, Robinson might be able to look back on his life and single this out as the thing that changed his life. He would be able to look up Mrs. Gallagher-Smith and have a teary reunion in which he explains how she helped him do something with his life.

Then again, years from now, Robinson might find himself working at a driving range shagging golf balls with a mattress tied to his back.

Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].