Baseball is in trouble. Fans are picking fights with players, the luxury tax has failed to even the playing field, and, oh yeah ... there's that whole steroid issue. Any John "Off His" Rocker can identify baseball's problems, of course. It is finding solutions that keeps Bud Selig up at night. Relax, commissioner, you can put the sleeping pills away. Outlined below are innovative and appropriate solutions to baseball's major problems.
Foolish Fans
Last month, a Red Sox fan instigated an altercation with Yankee outfielder Gary Sheffield, which accomplished little except to make everyone nervous and give Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon something to yap about for a week. There was the basketball incident at Detroit's Palace of Auburn Hills. A Texas Rangers reliever Frank Francisco threw a chair at a fun during a September game last season. Milton Bradley recently hurled a beer bottle into the stands, he was so outraged by a spectator. The images of two drunken idiots at Comiskey Park jumping onto the field and attacking Tom Gamboa, the first base coach of the Kansas City Royals, are still vivid in everyone's minds.
The moronic fans (excluding the women who became target practice for Francisco, and who was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time) who promote these types of confrontations need to be punished, severely. I'm not talking bans from ballparks, or jail time. I have a much worse punishment in mind.
Make them sign autographs, and lots of them. One autograph for every player, coach, manager, umpire, and executive involved in Major League Baseball. An autograph for all their family members, as well, and in-laws. Maybe that will show the fools who provoke players what it's like to be one of those athletes, how many people are relying on them, and what expectations they deal with. They'd learn pretty quickly that the view from the seats isn't so terrible after all.
Luxury Tax Failures
When the luxury tax was first introduced by Bud Selig, it was met with great opposition from large-market teams. More specifically, the Yankees were up in arms. Love him or hate him, one must admire George Steinbrenner for spending whatever it takes to build a winner (let's not fool ourselves, folks, the Yanks will make the postseason even after this horrendous start). The Yankees' thinking is that in a free-market society, The Boss should be allowed to splurge until every last credit card is maxed out.
The luxury tax threshold, roughly $128 million for 2005, acts roughly as an optional salary cap, where teams exceeding the threshold in payroll would have to doll out dead money to MLB, which would then be redistributed evenly to all 30 teams. Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, and a host of other small-market teams were of course elated at the prospect of a luxury tax threshold, which would provide them with extra revenue if the likes of New York overspent. This supposedly would create parity across the league, and keep the big market teams from overspending. Riiiight.
Not only has Steinbrenner not reduced payroll, he's increased it dramatically, to almost $206 million in 2005. To put that in perspective, no other team has a payroll higher than $121 million, and the Yanks doll out more for their roster than Cleveland, Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, and Tampa Bay (who spends a measly $30 million a year) — combined.
If the threat of lost money doesn't scare Gorgeous George, the threat of lost talent will. I propose this: for every $10 million over the luxury threshold a team is, one player chosen at random will be put in a league-wide lottery. In said lottery, the teams with the shallowest pockets would get the most ping pong balls (Tampa Bay would have a better shot at the player than Boston, since the whole idea is parity), and the offending team would still be responsible for the player's contract.
Thus, if the Yankees were more than $70 million (seven random players worth) over the luxury tax threshold, as they are now, and if fate frowned on the Pinstripes, they could potentially lose Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Gary Sheffield, Jorge Posada, Randy Johnson, Mike Mussina, and Mariano Rivera all in the same offseason. Better hope the commissioner doesn't hear of that idea, Joe Torre.
Steroid Abuser
Another issue Joe Torre has to worry about, thanks to rumors surrounding Sheffield and first baseman Jason Giambi, is steroid policy in Major League Baseball. The current policy is an improvement over the old, but it still lacks bite. Selig recently proposed a strengthened policy that apparently the union is willing to discuss. Still, cheaters try and get by the system — almost 50 minor leaguers and five major leaguers have been caught using steroids thus far, including recent culprit Minnesota Twins reliever Juan Rincon, the most prominent bust to date. Rincon claims to have used illegal substances unknowingly, but then again, so has everyone who's been caught up to this point.
Obviously, not everyone is scared by the system in place. So what might be a better deterrent for players caught using steroids? To understand the answer to this, one must understand the story of Pete Gray. In 1945, Pete Gray made baseball history as a speedy outfielder who would swing and make contact with his left arm ... the only arm he had. Mordecai Brown pitched without a few fingers. Jim Abbot thrived with just one working hand. Both were inspirational people who overcame quite a lot of difficulty to fulfill their dreams. Gray made it to Major League Baseball minus a whole arm. If that isn't determination, I don't know what is.
Steroid abusers try and get an illegal advantage over their competition. Thus, their penalty should be to see what it's like to be at a constant disadvantage. Their next 162 games, should they be able to stick in the majors, must be played with one arm tied behind their back. This is not to mock Gray — contrarily, it's in reverence for him. If the man was able to make it the Major Leagues with one arm, albeit while many of baseball's biggest stars were fighting in World War II, steroid abusers should damn well be able to make it in the bigs with two. If they can't, then it's time to move on and start sending off resumes to minor league broadcast booths.
There you have it, Bud Selig. The solutions to all of baseball's modern problems. Fans will no longer pick fights, the Yankees will stop over-spending, and steroids will become a distant memory. Everybody (minus The Boss) is happy, and the Golden Age of Baseball may continue unthreatened. Now if we could just to do something about those pesky ticket prices...
Extra Innings: Vetoed MLB Changes
* To prevent outfielders from succumbing to alligator arms when approaching the stands, replace the outfield wall with the material used in those giant bouncing houses you played in as a kid. Award one run to the team of any outfielder who bounces back to the infield.
* Get rid of the DH. To make up for the lost offense, give pitchers incentives to become good batters. Any pitcher who gets an extra base hit is formally allowed to fine-tune by throwing at the opposing team's mascot for the rest of the game.
* Stop those annoying stall-tactics pitchers use to give the bullpen time to warm up, like throwing over to first. Pitchers are allowed just three throws to first all game, and for each additional throw, the outfield walls covered in giant-bouncy-house material will be moved in five feet.
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