Top-10 Storylines We Wish Would Go Away

With NFL Kickoff 2005 more than four months away and the recent conclusion of the league's draft, we "armchair quarterbacks" find ourselves at an information impasse, so to speak.

It is a bit too early to begin the nauseatingly-extensive-yet-unexplainably-addictive process of prepping for the upcoming fantasy football draft (or "drafts" in my case ... and yes, I do have a life) and, with NFL rosters in various degrees of flux right now, it is nearly impossible to start projecting possible playoff scenarios, division winners, and the like.

That being said, it is never too early to start my complaints about the sure-to-be prevalent Chris Berman-esque rants from the league's talking heads and assorted mouthpieces. So with no further ado, I give you the 10 most likely overplayed storylines of the 2005 NFL season.

10. "Terrell Owens is not worth the trouble he brings to a team."

Um, wrong. There really isn't any other way to put it. Yes, the man needs an attitude adjustment as badly as his coach needs liposuction, but this has zero effect on T.O.'s impetus for the game at which he excels. Owens is a stud receiver, the once-in-a-decade type of player that redefines his position and a vicious competitor that wants to be larger than the game. While this is an exceedingly unpopular mantra for T.O. to live by, he produces undeniable results and no team in the league with cap space and a healthy ambition to succeed would turn down his services.

My advice to the Eagles would be to swallow their pride and give No. 81 what he wants ... he, like few others, is actually worth it. His off-the-field antics are a distraction, to be sure, but that distraction does not outweigh his benefits on the field at game time and that is how worth is ultimately measured in the NFL.

9. "Michael Vick is incredibly athletic and could revolutionize the quarterback position."

If you don't already know this, you needn't be watching football. Give us a story about how Vick's mastering of the West Coast Offense will eventually lead him and his team to a championship ... don't bore us with a regurgitation of the obvious.

8. "The Minnesota Vikings have unearthed a gem in rookie wide receiver Troy Williamson."

Troy Williamson is no Randy Moss. Troy Williamson is a taller, more muscular version of James Jett. That, ladies and gentlemen, is not very good. I had the benefit of watching a half-dozen of the Gamecocks' games this past college football season and his shortcomings are obvious. For whatever straight-line speed he has, he lacks skill in route-running, has terrible instincts and, most importantly, his hands are inconsistent, at best.

For all the talk that Williamson was stuck in an unflattering offensive system, there is one interesting stat that hasn't been discussed — in 2003, the Gamecocks passed the ball 44% of the time and in 2004, running nearly an identical number of plays, they passed 38% of the time.

Now I ask this, if you had one of the best receivers in the nation, which many have billed Troy as, wouldn't you trend your offense toward said strength? This coaching staff knows Troy Williamson well and, for whatever reason, chose not to run their offense through him. My first inclination would be to urge the Vikes to follow suit. My second would be tell Chris Mortenson to let Kiper do the talking.

7. "Mike Shanahan is (still) a coaching genius."

Every single year, we are forced to listen to every mainstream sporting publication and television show wax poetic on Shanahan's coaching prowess. Every single year, we witness the non-[John] Elway-led Broncos get exposed by the league's elite. This is not to say Shanahan is a bad coach or general manager, he clearly is not; but the fact is he has not made a lead-pipe, surefire, top-of-the-line move as a GM in a good while and his teams have regularly shown deficiencies in heart, decision-making and, frankly, general happiness. This makes Mike very average and just once, I'd like to hear someone admit that. Imagine, Tom Jackson uttering the oh-so-true phrase, "Coaches don't win you championships, John Elway wins you championships." Fat chance.

6. "Mike Martz is (still) an offensive coaching guru."

Sigh ... much like storyline number seven, it blackens my heart having to endure even one week of this talk (since generally, by Week 2, Martz has made some sort of bonehead move which brings into question his obvious lack of common sense as a head coach). We all know that Martz invented the "Greatest Show on Turf," but his job duties no longer include coordinating the offense.

Pointing out that Martz is an offensive coaching genius is like saying Michael Jordan is good at basketball — it is very true, but has little bearing on the man's current job qualifications and really doesn't need to be vocalized.

5. "Instant replay is an imperfect science and should be eliminated or overhauled drastically."

Hello? Captain Obvious? This is reality calling. Of course, instant replay is imperfect. It is a highly subjective system — all it really does it slow down the action so that said subjectivity can be applied within a more "normalized" window as opposed to the "bang-bang" nature of live action. This does not mean replay is a failure. It is what it is and, by and large, has worked as designed lessening the pressure on officials to make the close calls without drastically altering the flow of the game.

If we want a "perfect" system, we should develop electronic eyes to mark the first down lines, sidelines, and end zones, kind of like tennis. And, while we're at it, why don't we start calling field goals "aces," penalties "faults," and instead of saying a team as zero points, we should say they have "luv."

4. "The Indianapolis Colts are poised to win a championship."

This should really be number one on my list, but to appease the sure-to-protest Manning fans out there, I dropped them a few spots. Let's make this perfectly clear, you do not win championships with offense. Period. What's that you say? The '99 Rams did it? That is one of the most popular misconceptions out there — the 1999 Rams ranked seventh in overall defense and had the top-ranked rushing defense in the league.

As good as Peyton Manning is — and he is very, very good — he cannot win a title without a solid defense to play opposite him. This Colts team is as exciting to watch as any, but until they commit serious dollars to their defense, they will never be anything more than playoff fodder. I'm not sure what endears the pundits to these high-flying teams with sieve-like defenses — the Chiefs, the post-'99 Rams, the Colts — quite baffling, really.

3. "The game today features several future Hall of Famers."

This gem has been a staple of any Dan Dierdorf broadcast since the early 1990s. According to Mr. Dierdorf, 88% of the league has, at one time or another, been a potential Hall of Fame candidate (somebody please tell Dierdorf that Dante Hall is not Canton material). There is no doubt that Dierdorf will dub a series of overachievers as impromptu Hall of Famers at some point, the only question is who will top his list this season.

2. "The quarterback controversy in enter name here is not good for this team."

Year in and year out, this is one of the most overblown stories you hear about. Every year, you hear of at least one — and more likely five or six — full-blown quarterback controversies. Like clockwork, the Ron Jaworski's of the world chime in on how horrific this situation is for a team's unity and direction.

The reality is that the quarterback controversy itself isn't bad for the team. What is bad for the team is the fact that the team involved does not have a surefire No. 1 quality guy. You think San Fran was negatively effected by having Steve Young barking for playing time while Montana ran the ship? You saw how Ben Roethlisberger and Tommy Maddox tore up the Steelers' continuity last year, right? Yes, "[Jay] Fiedler versus [A.J.] Feeley" did not help the Dolphin cause last season, but I'm not too sure it was the "versus" in that line that caused the problem.

1. "In what could be a preview of Super Bowl XL/the AFC Championship Game/the NFC Championship Game..."

I have no particular distaste for the phrase per se, but rather for the frequency with which it is used throughout the season. If we've learned nothing else over the past 10 years of parity-stricken football in the NFL, we certainly have learned that a team starting a season 4-0 does not a champion make.

The over/under for Chris Berman actually using this sentence is five weeks, but smart money says those words are bandied about prior to the week two preseason matchup between the Jets and Vikings. As much as I'd love to be able to divine the future, your guess is as good as mine, and Berman (though I'm sure he'd argue with you) is no swami, either. That said, this particular phrase should be expunged from the sports lexicon forever.

There you have it. While this only scratches the surface of the "dullard-speak" the masters-of-the-obvious we call sports journalists will utter throughout the upcoming season, it certainly is food for thought. There will be other stories, to be sure, but these 10 are surefire lead stories on any one of our favorite Sunday morning preview shows. As with death and taxes, this, too, is a dreaded sure thing. Don't say I didn't warn you.