NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 9

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson was right in the middle of two major incidents at Talladega on Sunday: the "Big One" on lap 132, and the "Little One" less than two laps from the finish. The last incident, in which Johnson seemed to be at fault, cost the Lowe's No. 48 Chevrolet a certain top-five finish. In the end, Johnson limped home in 20th, and watched his Cup points lead shrink to 130 points. Is Johnson trouble magnet, or are the incidents just a function of hard racing?

"Trouble magnet? Trouble magnet?" asks Johnson. "If anything, I'm a chick magnet. Neither of those accidents were my fault. I blame them on Tony Stewart. What's that? Tony was involved in neither? Sorry, I'm so used to blaming Tony that I figured I'd try it again. Okay, so Tony didn't do it. Okay, then it was Colonel Mustard in the billiard room with the candlestick. Or maybe it was Darrell Waltrip in the Hollywood Hotel with a gas catch can."

Next on the agenda for Johnson is Darlington, where he'll attempt to restart a new top-10 streak after two straight finishes 15th or lower. Johnson's two closest rivals, Kurt Busch and Jeff Gordon, have victories in the last two weeks, which has caused JJ's points lead to dwindle. A win at Darlington, where Johnson swept both races last year, would stop the bleeding.

"And just a little word to the wise for Dale, Jr." adds Johnson. "The next time you want to call me an idiot, do it to my face. If you want to bang heads or bump sheet metal, you know where to find me: somewhere in front of you."

2. Jeff Gordon — Gordon won his second consecutive Aaron's 499, and second straight restrictor plate race, with a dominating drive from start to finish. As he did at Daytona, Gordon had to go overtime for the win due to a late race caution, and he held off Tony Stewart and Michael Waltrip in the dash to the finish. Gordon led 139 of 194 laps, earning his 72nd career victory and third win this year, leaving him four shy of Dale Earnhardt's total of 76. Gordon also collected seven of the 11 contingency awards. The four-time Cup champion has now won four of the last five restrictor plate races.

"Yes, but more importantly," says Gordon, "we're one for one with my donkey-eared friend Yoda on the hood of the No. 24. You know, for a 900-year-old Jedi Master, that Yoda is one hip cat. I think the late comedian John Belushi said it best in Animal House when he chanted, 'Yoda, Yoda, Yoda, Yoda.'"

With the victory and lap leader bonus points, Gordon moved past Greg Biffle to number three in the points, 151 behind Johnson. With two restrictor plate race victories this year, plus a short-track win at Martinsville, Gordon will look for number four on the 1.366 mile oval at Darlington, where he has six career wins.

3. Kurt Busch — Busch was the highest finisher of three Roush Racing cars in the top 13, with a seventh-place result after a solid 10th-place qualifying effort. Busch's Ford had the power to hang with the frontrunners, but seemed to lack the strength to mount a legitimate challenge for the lead.

"I can't say for sure whether I've got a complete grasp of the restrictor plate concept," explains Busch. "To be honest, when I hear the words 'restrictor plate,' the first thing that comes to mind is the diet that Jimmy Spencer should be on."

Busch should find Darlington more to his liking. In the last three races there, he's recorded a second place finish and two sixths, and he qualified in the top six all three of those times, with one pole.

"As a native of Las Vegas," adds Busch, "I'm like a fish out of water in Darlington, or anywhere in the Deep South, for that matter. But when you put me in a car, I feel my neck redden, and I get the sudden urge to wear a sleeveless flannel shirt. Only then do I feel like a true Southerner. Yee haw!"

4. Greg Biffle — Biffle finished a quiet 13th at Talladega, and actually led two laps. After qualifying 29th, Biffle should be happy coming home in 13th. Not a bad day's work, but not spectacular by any fashion.

"I'll tell you what is spectacular," explains Biffle. "And that is seeing two Star Wars Storm Troopers hamming it up for the camera before the race. I've always thought of those guys as being pretty serious. It's good to see them loosen up. I bet not having that heavy-breathing Darth Vader around puts them at ease. And it was cool to see Adam Sandler as Grand Marshall. I can't wait to see The Longest Yard with Sandler quarterbacking the inmates. That's a natural progression for an actor to go from playing a semi-retarded linebacker in The Waterboy to playing the Burt Reynolds part in the remake of The Longest Yard."

Biffle dropped one spot in the Cup standings to fourth, passed by race winner Jeff Gordon. Biffle has been solid in his brief Cup career at Darlington, with two 12th place finishes and a tenth. He also won the spring Busch race there last year. A top-10 this year is more than likely.

5. Elliott Sadler — Sadler led a strong Talladega program for the Robert Yates Racing contingent, as the M&M's Ford crossed the line in sixth, three spots ahead of teammate Dale Jarrett. Sadler maintained his fifth-place spot in the Nextel Cup standings, but moved 47 points closer to points leader Jimmie Johnson.

"I've just got one thing to say about my car at Talladega," says Sadler. "It sucked ... sucked up in the draft, that is. The fellas in the engine and fabrication shop really got the job done for me this week. I feel like we had the car to challenge there at the end, but we just chose the wrong line of cars to run with. It's like when you go to the grocery store and get in line to check out, and you later find out you're in the line with the lady paying in pennies who's redeeming about 40 coupons. To top it all off, she's got a mustache. Just like at the track, I should have taken the express lane."

Sadler has been strong in the spring race at Darlington the past three years, with three top-10s and a start from the pole. I foresee a qualifying run in the top-15 and a top-10 finish.

6. Tony Stewart — Stewart may have had the second most impressive drive of the day, behind that of Jeff Gordon. Stewart chased Gordon to the finish, with some bump draft help from Michael Waltrip, but couldn't overtake the Hendrick Chevy, which was easily the class of the field. Nevertheless, Stewart vaulted eight positions in the points, and now resides at number six, 280 points from his best pal/worst enemy (depending on the race), Jimmie Johnson.

Stewart's best move of the day came with his car not doing 190 miles per hour, but sitting at a complete standstill on the Talladega apron. When the "Big One" hit on lap 132, Stewart dove low and eventually came to a complete stop, while mangled cars flew past in front and behind him.

"Man, it looked like the blind man's demolition derby on the Autobahn out there," says Stewart. "I'm used to being right in the middle of that kind of action, so it was a little strange for me to get out of that unscathed. I must be equally as good at avoiding wrecks as I am at causing them."

Stewart's second-place finish was the remedy to three consecutive finishes out of the top 25, following his third-place at Bristol. Stewart has yet to string together consecutive top-10's this year. Is he due for a strong finish, or is it time for another run-in with Jimmie Johnson?

7. Kevin Harvick — Ten laps in to the race at Talladega, Harvick saw his track position change an incredible 42 places. Unfortunately, Harvick started on the pole, and an overheating problem left the Richard Childress Racing Chevrolet at the rear of the pack very early in the race. Ever the optimist, Harvick took his plight in stride.

"No big deal," says Harvick. "It worked in Bristol, when I came from the rear of the field to win the Food City 500. There's always plenty of time to make up ground at Talladega. I didn't think of it as being in last place. I kept telling myself, 'Okay, you're the 43rd car in a 43-car draft.' I knew we had the car to get to the front."

Harvick powered his way back to the front, and passed Gordon on lap 70 for the lead. After green flag pitting, Harvick regained the lead on lap 75, then, inexplicably, began to fall back. He was far enough back when the "Big One" hit on lap 132. Harvick was able to dive low, eventually coming to a complete stop, and avoiding any damage.

"We avoided one and got caught in another," says Harvick. "It seemed to me, that in both wrecks, Dale Earnhardt and Jimmie Johnson were involved somehow. It just goes to show that, any time you mix Lowe's Home Improvement with Budweiser, as many Americans do every weekend when they customize their trailers, you get disastrous results."

In eight career Cup races at Darlington, Harvick has four top-10s. Harvick put the No. 29 Richard Childress Chevrolet on pole last week in Talladega. This week, he hopes to visit victory lane.

8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — You can call it official now. Dale Earnhardt, Inc.'s reign as king of the restrictor plate race is over. Hendrick Motorsports can now claim that title, but Dale, Jr. and Michael Waltrip were in contention all day at Talladega. Waltrip finished third, and Junior would have finished in the top five had he not been collected in the four-car incident nearly two laps from the end. The final result was a 15th-place result for the No. 8 Budweiser car.

"Okay, maybe we're not the kings of the restrictor plate race any more," admits Junior, "but Budweiser is still the king of beers. The last I checked, Dupont didn't make any product you can drink, not do they manufacture a product whose empty container you could hurl onto the track in the direction of your least favorite driver. Despite our troubles, it's still good to be 'E.'"

Yes it is, Junior. You still moved up three spots in the Cup standings to number nine, so life is good. After qualifying at Talladega, things didn't look so hot for DEI. Junior qualified 36th, while Waltrip started two spots behind in 38th. 36 and 38 are pretty good scores on the front nine at Pebble Beach, but not good for DEI cars qualifying on a super speedway. What happened?

"I don't think we necessarily lost anything," explains Junior. "I think a lot of the teams just found out what we were doing and did it better. I think we have a mole amongst us. I foresee some lie detector tests, some brutal interrogations, and a few firings. That's life at the DEI compound."

Junior seems to be inching closer to a more competitive car, but work still remains. Qualifying is an issue; Earnhardt has four qualifying efforts 34th or worse, and has not started in the top-10 since Daytona. Speed starts in qualifying — if DEI can solve their qualifying set-up problems, the race trim issue should fall into place.

9. Jamie McMurray — McMurray claimed his third top-five of the year, and may have had the best view of the "Big One" when it struck on lap 132.

"Yeah, from my rear view mirror," says McMurray. "Thank goodness I was up front when it happened. The funny thing is, it happens every year, and every one knows it will happen. I'm just wondering, is it staged? I think there's a "Big One Conspiracy," and somebody's paying somebody to cause a wreck. We all know the fans watch Talladega for the wrecks. Something's up, I'm sure of it. It's a vast, right wing conspiracy, with dark, political undertones. I just know it."

Yeah, Jamie, just like every thing else happening in our country these days.

But seriously, McMurray possibly gave his best drive of the year. His best work of the day came between laps 72 and 132, when McMurray fought his way from 33rd to third, placing him in perfect position to miss the massive pileup. McMurray's fifth-place result vaulted him from 15th to 10th in the points race, 301 points below Johnson.

McMurray also is still alive in the FOX Sports' "NASCAR's Sexiest Driver" competition, in which he defeated Kurt Busch to reach the Elite Eight. McMurray was a near unanimous winner in voting over Busch, garnering 99.9999999% of the votes. Officials at FOX are investigating claims that Busch's only votes came from immediate family members. The rules firmly state that relatives are ineligible to vote.

In four previous races in Darlington, McMurray has two fourth-place finishes. He'll need more results like that to guarantee his place in the Chase. Darlington would be a great place to do it; the race there is named the Dodge Charger 500. The No. 42 Havoline car is a Dodge Charger.

10. Dale Jarrett — Jarrett rolled for 194 laps, avoided major accidents, crossed the line in ninth, and didn't even have one single person give him the finger. Jarrett joined teammate Elliott Sadler in the top 10, and continued his success this year at restrictor plate races. He won the pole at Daytona and finished fifteenth there.

"Back to the finger thing," comments Jarrett. "During and after that big wreck, I'm sure there were a lot of fingers flying between drivers. Luckily for them, the impact of the crash probably took their video feed out, so there's no visual proof of the finger being flown. So, as far as NASCAR is concerned, there were no finger infractions."

I guess Jarrett has assumed the position of unofficial finger ambassador to NASCAR, with Shane Hmiel serving as his understudy.

In his last six races at Darlington, Jarrett has finished out of the top 30 four times. Not a good sign, but Jarrett has finished no worse than 23rd this year (twice). In each of those instances, he followed those races with top-10s.