NFL Draft Losers, Mel Kiper-Style

There could perhaps be no career as speculative as that of Mel Kiper Jr.'s. For years, he has been scrutinizing players and grading teams based on their drafts, always hours following the final pick. If you're a stockbroker, you at the least judged on the performance of the stock after the initial acquisition. With Mel, there is no follow up, only the look ahead to who will be topping the next draft.

To be honest, I have no idea how accurate he is over the long haul. I don't know if he thought taking Terrell Davis was a great call by Denver way back when, or if he thought San Diego's general manager might be a complete moron for taking Ryan Leaf. It might make for an interesting feature, to actually see how many of his prognostications are accurately fulfilled.

I am of course familiar with the quotes ESPN plays with regularity, Bill Tobin calling him an idiot when Mel criticized his selection of Trev Alberts with the fifth overall pick. And Mel never liked the former No. 1 overall selection from 1990, Jeff George. So according to the in-bumps ESPN runs, Mel Kiper seems very smart.

And since no one seems to recall who Mel Kiper thought the winners and losers were from the previous seasons, I thought I would make my own list.

Draft Losers

Arizona Cardinals: When was the last time they did anything to make you think they were going to be good? Last year, their quarterback situation was a joke. So what did they do in the offseason? Sign Kurt Warner. What, was Neil Lomax unavailable? Warner is done, and so are the Cardinals.

As for their draft ... who cares? Kurt Warner is their quarterback. This guy cannot throw the ball anymore. Why does he still have a job? They got a cornerback with their first pick? Did Dennis Green misread this guy's position by one letter? I hope Antrel Rolle cannot only pick it off and run it back, but also go under center and throw a couple to the soon-to-be most frustrated wide receiver corps in the game, not to mention their fantasy owners next season.

Baltimore Ravens: Another outstanding draft according to every pundit, except one thing ... they stink! Their quarterback kills them. They have this unbelievable defense, and when Jamal Lewis isn't in jail, an extremely potent running game. Their receivers are essentially single covered — yet they still can't make the playoffs. Brian Billick won a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer, then released him because he wanted more than a quarterback who only set out not to throw an interception.

Enter Elvis Grbac, who threw so many interceptions he retired. Next up, is Kyle Boller, who has all the intangibles Grbac had, which is not a compliment. I'm sure they got some good players, but unless any of them want to throw anything farther than a two-yard completion to Todd Heap, the Ravens still stink. You don't get credit for avoiding your weakness.

Detroit Lions: Joey Harrington is awful, and Jeff Garcia is at best in his golden years. Why not bite the bullet and dump Harrington and bring in Aaron Rodgers? They do have lots and lots of receivers, especially named Williams. In fact, Roy and Mike might be the most devastating duo this season ... except they have no one to get them the ball! Matt Millen says this move will help their defense because their offense will be on the field more. Unless they run the Statue of Liberty play every single time and let Mike Williams throw to Roy Williams, it won't make a bit of difference to your defense if its Joey or Padraig taking snaps next season in Detroit.

Cleveland Browns: According to Mel Kiper, "You can't argue with the Browns taking the best player available." Yes, you can. For instance, let's say you draft a wide receiver and you have no quarterback. For example, look to this year when the Cleveland Browns took Braylon Edwards with the third pick overall. Who is going to get him the ball? Tim Couch?

Dallas Cowboys: They bolstered up their defense. Great. Terrific. Two words, and Bills know this tune: Drew Bledsoe. Hope those linemen block the weak side real well.

Minnesota Vikings: I don't know who this wide receiver is they drafted, I have never seen him play, my only question is can he stop the Arizona Cardinals from scoring a touchdown on 4th-and-goal from the 22 to go to the playoffs? I am so sick of the Vikings. The Daunte [Culpepper] "roll," the running back situation. Hey, Mike Tice, will you pick one so us fantasy owners can get on with our lives?

And why aren't they outdoors? They could be like the Packers, use the home field and the climate to their extreme advantage. I bet Chris Chandler wouldn't have led the Falcons to a win when it's -20 in St. Paul. Yeah, I know, they won a playoff game last year. Now do me a favor and stop being all giddy and try to contain Freddie Mitchell, for crying out loud.

New York Jets: This is the lifetime achievement award right here. The best thing about this year's draft was the Jets draft flashback montage that featured quotes from Jets fans such as, "They said if Dan Marino was still on the board, they would take him, so obviously the Jets know something everyone else doesn't it."

Or when Pete Rozelle announced the seemingly innocuous statement "fullback," only to draw cries of pain, symbolic of the chronic misery built up every year by the Jet fan, but only released during special events, events like the NFL draft, when hope springs eternal for all teams ... except the Jets. And the Vikings, too. Play outside already!

San Francisco 49ers: I have no idea who Alex Smith is, I have never seen him play, I don't know if he's a Mormon or not ... but I think he's terrible. He'll never make it. No chance. Unless he's good, then I'm wrong.

Washington Redskins: If Joe Gibbs drafts as well as he coached last year, we should all be in a real good position to sit back and watch Daniel Snyder lose his mind when the team stinks again and we get to watch him fire Gibbs and sign his 2000 fantasy team of Jerry Rice, Rod Woodson, and Bruce Smith ... again!