Games Don’t Matter, Only Paper Does

There are a lot of "experts" in the sports world and after being inundated with their excellent analysis and articulate reasoning, I have finally seen the light: what actually happens within the games does very little to decide what team is better.

It took me a while to figure this out, being a purist who used to believe that the only thing that matters is what happens between the lines. But I didn't understand just how wrong I was until I talked to a Cleveland Browns fan.

The week after the NFL draft, we are inundated with speculation on how the picks are going to turn out (it's also our last glimpse of Mel Kiper, Jr. before he goes back into hibernation). It's fun for a lot of people to say who had the best drafts and who had the worst, even though, as my colleague Vegas Dave pointed out in his column this week, the grades do not always translate into success. Until now.

I'm a Bengals fan, and I was having a discussion with a friend, who is a Browns fan, about the draft. I complemented him on their draft and he proceeded to rant and rave about how the Browns had one of the top five draft classes in the league and how the Bengals would be lucky to tie for sixth in the AFC Central (I never said he was smart, but I did say he was from Cleveland).

He then proceeded to tell me how Cleveland was a much better team than Cincinnati and for a moment, I almost thought we were the team that only won four games last year. He continued to taunt me for the Bengals' inferior draft (after all, how could I be so stupid to tell Marvin to draft a WR in the third round when we already have decent WRs) when I suddenly discovered that I couldn't argue my side anymore.

Sure, Cleveland won only four games last year to our eight, but that doesn't mean anything now that the Browns had an "A" draft. I'm still relatively new to this, but I'm pretty sure they also get extra points because their first-round pick last year was hurt, and they would've been, like, so much better if he didn't get hurt. Apparently, you get points for each new excuse you can think of, and I'm fairly certain that teams get extra points for having people that resemble animals in the crowd — so props to Cleveland for that.

I am now thoroughly convinced that on paper, the Browns will be the best team in the league next year. Congrats, Cleveland, on becoming the paper mache 2005 Super Bowl champions.

Oh forget it ... I can't buy into this. Not to discount draft grades or anything, but Cleveland: you have to do better than that. That goes for any other fan who is trying to argue based on anything other than what happened on the field. This isn't Magic the Gathering, you don't line your team up on one side and compare it to the other. Losers, I don't care if your Mountain Titan is stronger than my Zombie Assassin, I want to see it on the field.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for discussion. But if you are going to try and argue that a team is five wins better because of a draft, I'm just not going to listen — that is where I draw the line. If you want to do all the paper comparisons, fine, just don't bring me in to it. And when the Mountain Titan is proved to be inferior, and you don't get those five wins, don't worry, because it's just the refs trying to screw you again.

Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].