Imagine if I told you 10 years ago that "Seinfeld" was moving its first-run episodes to TBS. Or that "E.R." was leaving NBC to start running original episodes on TNT. Or that "The Simpsons" had decided to continue the adventures of America's Greatest Dad on The Cartoon Network.
Would you think, for even a second, that the gain in prestige for these cable networks was somehow greater than the drop in prestige for these network television programs?
Relocating "Monday Night Football" to cable television diminishes the institution. That's not to say that ESPN doesn't benefit from it. I think ESPN will do more "MNF" than ABC had done in the last view seasons — which basically constituted rolling Madden and Michaels out there, adding a few snazzy camera tricks, and hoping that the two teams scheduled to play both didn't suck ass by Week 6.
But now "MNF" is a cable show. There's a reason why ESPN didn't get the Super Bowl: there's a difference, even in this fractured media society, between being on CBS, NBC, ABC, or FOX and being on cable. (The WB and UPN are somewhere in between, although any program on those networks will be assumed to either be a "Star Trek" spin-off, an African-American sitcom, or some teen drama where the boys are prettier than the girls.)
The shows people care about are still on network television; it's going to take a generation for that to change. "The Sopranos" and "The Shield" and "Nip/Tuck" are in a different category of critical and popular success, because their reputations are born out of boundary pushing. Unless ESPN plans on incorporating frequent use of the word "Aye-Double ess-Hole" and quarterly beatdowns with the barrel of a handgun, "MNF" won't have the same sort of impact.
So how does ESPN keep "Monday Night Football" from slipping into the cacophony of its original programming; from getting swallowed up by basketball, baseball, poker, "SportsCenter," "PTI," "ATH," "OTL," and all of those original movies with big-name actors who look nothing like the celebrities they're portraying?
It could come down to whom they chose to do the announcing.
Here are eight great broadcast teams ESPN should consider for "Monday Night Football" in two years, and how they might fare:
8. Gary Thorne, Bill Clement, and Darren Pang
Still-unemployed hockey announcers take over the football duties. Ratings inexplicably plummet to the point where women's bowling on ESPN2 is winning the time slot. The FDA announces that watching "Monday Night Football" is officially a safe alternative to taking two Valium and a glass of scotch before bedtime.
7. "Monday Night Football," Presented by ESPNNEWS.
New announcers every 10 minutes, fitting the same stereotypical profiles: Ken-doll looking white dude, non-threatening black dude, and some chick with a square jaw who will have to put a stake through the heart of Linda Cohn if she ever wants to make "The Big Show."
6. "Inside the Actor's Studio" host James Lipton, John Buccigross, and Dennis Miller
After a fumble by the Jets' Chad Pennington is recovered by Willie McGinest, the referee announced the ball is awarded to the Patriots. Lipton says Pennington's physical performance reminded him of the great Cyd Charisse in Vincente Minnelli's "Brigadoon." Buccigross says that McGinest is to the Patriots as Gordon Gano is to the Violent Femmes. Miller — who was given a second shot at the booth after bloggers complained that there wasn't a conservative voice on any NFL broadcasts — shows just how much he's grown as a mainstream announcer by comparing the fumble to a "blood bespattered Pegasus bolting forth from the teeming neck of a slain Medusa, babe."
5. Stuart Scott, Jim Rome, and Paula Abdul
Scott mixes play-by-play with hip-hop references, resulting in an incoherent and unlistenable mess. Rome mixes color commentary and his collection of smacktalk and clone-speak, resulting in an incoherent and unlistenable mess. Abdul ... well, Abdul is in an incoherent and unlistenable mess.
4. Brent Musburger, Jar-Jar Binks, and comedian Steven Wright
MUSBURGER: "Welcome, fans, to 'Monday Night Football,' coming to you live from beautiful St. Louis, Mizz-or-uh. There's a dome covering this pristine, classic green; but it can't keep the inspiring history of this wonderful berg from seeping in and covering these fans with its timeless glory. The mighty river. The majestic arch. And a little eatery on the corner of Wilson St. that serves that best darn cup of cinnamon mochaccino this reporter has ever had."
JAR-JAR BINKS: "Meesa like da Buccaneersas, minus the four-and-a-half, okeyday?"
STEVEN WRIGHT: "I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"
3. John Madden, Tony Siragusa, and Iron Chef Italian Mario Batali
Football broadcasting takes a back seat, as the tubby trio samples a 25-yard long buffet in the booth filled with Baked Pasticcio di Tagliatelle e Sogliola, cannoli, and Turducken. Low point comes midway through the season, as the Falcons and Dolphins are tied with 10 seconds left and Madden says, "[Mike] Vick is ready at the goal-line ... here's the snap, and BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRP ... oh man, am I gassy. Whoa ... I think I threw up in my mouth a little. It feels like the Madden Cruiser is spinning tires inside my small intestine. Oh man, R-O-L-A-I-D-S anyone? (Pops one in his mouth). Hey, does anybody know why Vick is dancing?"
2. Al Michaels, Stephen A. Smith, and Tom Tolbert
Or "vanilla, chocolate, and swirl."
You'd obviously need Michaels on this team in order to keep the ship from crashing on the rocks every five seconds. Smith would be invaluable for reporting "exclusive" news that passed over the AP wire 20 minutes earlier, while saying duplicitous comments like, "Donavan McNabb is a friend and a fantastic football player ... but if he doesn't complete this 2nd-and-8 first-quarter pass from his own 33 yard-line, then he's ab-so-lute-ly killing the Eagles and needs to get his behind out of town yesterday."
Tolbert? I just hope the viewers at home can't hear him flipping through his copy of "How to Be a Bill Walton Clone in 10 Easy Overly Sarcastic Comments."
1. Bob Costas, Michael Irvin, and Tony Kornheiser
Okay, let's get serious for a second here. This combination would have me watching from opening night.
Say what you will about Costas — and typically, I can't stand his sanctimonious act — but put the guy on the stick, and he's a dynamic play-by-play man. He's everything Michaels used to be, only his batteries are fresher. He has the ability to make a bad game decent, and more importantly, keep the banter entertaining even during a blowout.
The next two additions to the booth would be a complete departure from tradition. There'd be no Fouts or Gifford. Both Irvin and Kornheiser could easily play the Cosell role.
Irvin brings street cred to a broadcast that sorely needs it. Listen: we all wanted him to fail miserably and suck at his job, because he's a cokehead ex-Cowboy who personified the rotten soul of America's Team. But the truth is that he's turned into a Generation X studio analyst — fits and spurts of informed analysis wrapped in ego. He'd need to flesh out a few of his ideas for "MNF," but you'd have to listen just to hear where he's headed.
Kornheiser? Rumors were he was a finalist before Miller was hired. He could be what Miller should have been — pointed, sardonic — but with decades of sports journalism experience that make him more than just a fanboy comedian with a Joe Montana jersey. Plus, with the success of "PTI" and the radio show (and even with that lousy sitcom on CBS), Kornheiser's star has risen considerably since his flirtation with the booth a few years ago. Ironically, it's "PTI"-mate Michael Wilbon who has experience as a football analyst, covering Redskins' preseason games for the local NBC affiliate in D.C. But Kornheiser is funnier, more insightful (rather than just incite-ful) and, above all else...
...he has better hair.
Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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