Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — After qualifying 37th, and with his practice speeds lagging far behind the fastest cars, a win was certainly out of the picture for Johnson, and his streak of top-10 finishes was in jeopardy. But with constant adjustments by his crew, and with Johnson's continual push to the front, the No. 48 Lowe's car crossed the line eighth. Johnson increased his points lead over second-place Greg Biffle from 94 to 160, and now owns a streak of 12 consecutive top-10s dating back to last year.
"As the original movie skank Mae West may have said, 'Even when I'm bad, I'm good,'" says Johnson. "We had to fight the car all day, but on a track like Martinsville, where you know there will be cautions, it pays to make the necessary adjustments. And we made a lot. Dang! I saw my pit guys making so many turns on the wedge crank that I thought they were making home made ice cream."
Johnson should extend his top-10 streak in Texas this Sunday. The Hendrick cars of Johnson and Jeff Gordon have tempered the early dominance of the Roush team as of late. In the previous three years, Johnson and Gordon have recorded top-10s each year. If Johnson maintains his incredible consistency, he may run away with the crown.
2. Elliot Sadler — In the last two races, Sadler has moved from ninth to third in the Cup standings. Normally not known as a force on short tracks, Sadler has made his move with second- and ninth-place results at Bristol and Martinsville, respectively. Up next on the docket is Sadler's favorite track, Texas, where he recorded one of his two victories in 2004.
"Sure, I'm happy to be headed to Texas," says Sadler. "We always seem to run good there. But what I'm really happy about is finding creative ways to give my teammate Dale Jarrett the middle finger. After Dale's confrontation with Shane Hmiel at Bristol, I've been poking my head in his car at all times and giving him the finger. Dale loves it. He's been trying to catch me on video so he can have me fined. He even tried to lop my finger off with a pair of garden shears once. Luckily, I was too quick for him."
Sadler has made it known that until the final 10 races of the year, he's just worried about finishing races and not necessarily winning. However, on the track at Texas Motor Speedway, Sadler may amend that strategy and go for the win.
2. Greg Biffle — First the bad news: Biffle had a miserable day in Martinsville, finishing 13 laps off the lead to squeak out a 29th place finish. The good news: Biffle maintained his second-place position in the Cup standings.
"It's like the great Jim Valvano once said," explains Biffle. "'Survive and advance.' That's what we did. Considering all the problems we had Sunday, I'd say 29th is not too shabby. Luckily, there are guys like Johnny Sauter, Randy LaJoie, and Mike Garvey in the field. You can always count on guys like that retiring 50 laps into a race and claiming a spot in the 40s."
Therein lies a problem with NASCAR scoring. Garvey, who finished 43rd, still scored 34 points, and only completed 18 laps. That's almost two points scored per completed lap. By comparison, Jeff Gordon, the race winner, scored 185 points and completed 500 laps, which calculates to .37 points per completed lap. Is that fair?
"Probably not," replies Biffle. "But I don't care. My motto is: it's all about the Biffle."
4. Mark Martin — Martin is as white as white boy gets, and is not known for his hops, but he makes the biggest jump in the Cup standings this week, leaping from tenth to fourth, 198 points behind Johnson. Martin's third place picked up the slack for Roush Racing on a day when their young stars, Kurt Busch and Carl Edwards, struggled.
"Who says the old man can't get the job done?" says Martin. "I may pop Viagra's like they're Tic-Tacs, but I can still show these kids a thing or two about racing, and sometimes, I still have to buy them beer. When things get tough, I'm the man who has to keep this team together. I'm the leader, the old guard, the wise old man. When I retire, I'm going to let my hair and beard grow, shepherd a flock of sheep, and sit atop a mountain and wait for these youngsters to come to me for enlightenment. What I'll probably give them instead is a good kick in the ass for motivation."
Martin has fared well in Texas, with three top-10s in the last four races there. Expect him to lead the Roush charge again.
5. Tony Stewart — Stewart was the fastest car for most of the day ... at least on four wheels. On lap 432 (Stewart had led 267 of those), the right front tire on the car fell off.
"That's right," explains Stewart. "It just fell off. Some lug nuts were loose. Apparently, some idiot crewmember forgot to tighten the lug nuts. That's comparable to me getting in the car without my steering wheel. It's inexcusable. If 'loose lips sink ships', then 'loose tires, you're fired!' It was pretty cool rolling down the track on a rim with sparks shooting out, though. It reminded me of an episode of Cops, watching a piece of white trash from Jacksonville, Florida cruising down the interstate on rims being chased by 15 squad cars."
Stewart still stands fifth in the points, and his Martinsville misfortune should motivate him in Texas. The Joe Gibbs team has seen nothing but bad luck all year.
"If our luck doesn't change for the better," adds Stewart, "I could see the No. 20 Home Depot Chevrolet Monte Carlo losing three, maybe four tires on the track. However, with a little good luck, I could see me and Bobby Labonte rolling across the line one-two. That may take a lot of good luck, but it could happen."
6. Jeff Gordon — Gordon's sixth career win at Martinsville was a study in perseverance and good, old-fashioned, hard racing. After a front-end vibration forced him into a green flag pit stop, Gordon returned three laps down, and fought his way back for nearly over 400 laps, finally taking the lead with a pass of Sterling Marlin on lap 465. About 12 laps earlier, Gordon bumped Kurt Busch into the wall after battling the No. 97 car for several laps. Later, Busch gave Gordon a hard bump as Gordon lapped him.
"Oooh! I'm scared," mocks Gordon. "Does Kurt Busch really think he can intimidate me? I'm Jeff Gordon. I've been in this business for a while. I may be the most hated driver in history, so I've seen my share of intimidators. Heck, just having Dale Earnhardt, Sr. say 'hi' scared me more than anything Kurt Busch can do. If Kurt wants to intimidate, he should grow a goatee, but I don't think he can."
Gordon now stands sixth in the Cup standings, 205 points from the top. He's yet to string together back-to-back top-10 finishes this year, but Texas Motor Speedway may be the cure for that. Gordon has finished no lower than third in the last three races there.
7. (Tie) Rusty Wallace, Ryan Newman — Wallace and Newman are separated by only 18 points in the Cup standings, but the distance is much greater as far as the personal relationship of the Penske teammates go. Newman has refused to share testing information with Wallace's team, and Wallace, on Sunday at Martinsville, refused to allow Newman to get a lap back on a restart.
"Like my good friend Jerry Seinfeld used to say, 'Newman!' With teammates like this, who needs enemies?" asks Wallace. "I've tried with this kid. I own his car, for goodness sakes. He's a hardheaded, uppity yuppie who thinks he's smarter than every one because he's got a college degree. Well, I've got a degree, too. It's called third degree black belt. Just kidding, I know nothing about karate, although Kung Fu Fighting is one of my favorite songs of all-time. But if Newman wants to scrap, this old dog can still bite."
"I don't hate Rusty," counters Newman. "Just his guts. Why would I need advice from that old-timer? I'm already the better driver. Maybe if I needed help driving a stagecoach or a Model T Ford, Rusty could give me some useful advice."
One would think that it would be best for both parties to settle this feud. The No. 2 and No. 12 cars are pretty strong in their own rights. With Wallace's experience and Newman's qualifying and setup expertise, the Penske team could contend for the title. Maybe a situation like this calls for a sit-down with the boss, Roger "Papa" Penske. In any case, the feud should be diffused before it gets any more heated.
9. Kurt Busch — For the second week in a row, a Hendrick driver was responsible for Busch hitting the wall. A week after Jimmie Johnson initiated a wreck that collected Busch, Jeff Gordon bumped Busch into the wall during Gordon's surge to the front in Martinsville. It's enough to make the prominent ears of Busch turn beet red.
"Dad gummit!" a frustrated Busch comments. "Those Hendrick boys have almost single-handedly knocked me out of the top-10. I'm sure Jimmy Spencer's behind this somehow. But I'm still ninth in the points, and I've got about 30 races to exact my revenge. When I do, it will be cold and calculating, and I will strike with great vengeance and furious anger. It may come on the track; it may come in a drivers' meeting; it may even come on a cold, rainy night in a dark alley, courtesy of a baseball bat. In all likelihood, though, it will come while I'm playing EA Sports NASCAR 2005 on my PlayStation."
In Texas, Busch should forget about retaliation and simply steer clear of Gordon and Johnson. If he makes it through a race with the No. 97 Ford intact, a top-10 result is likely. He's got two top-10s in the previous two races in Texas.
10. Carl Edwards — Since his win in Atlanta on March 20th, things have gone downhill for Edwards. He's qualified no better than 36th on the short circuits at Bristol and Martinsville, and he's finished no better than 26th. Is Edwards still learning how to handle the braking and shifting of short tracks? Was his early season success an aberration? Is he just a lucky kid who happened to fall into a ride with Roush Racing?
"Look man," says Edwards, "I'm no fluke. I earned every bit of my 15 minutes of fame. Sure, I'm not too fond of driving on a half-mile track, but only because I can get on the interstate and drive just as fast. The 1.5-mile quad-oval at Texas suits me better. You haven't heard the last of Carl Edwards. There's more back flips in my future."
That's right, Carl. And in Texas, you can see your dream of playing "Duck, Duck, Goose" with President Bush come to fruition.
"No, you've got it all wrong. My dream is to drink Grey Goose and Cold Duck with the Bush twins, Barbara and Jenna."
Just be careful. They can drink you under the table.
Edwards can only hope to end his slide with a top-10 finish, and hope that he can recapture his early season momentum.
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