Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Masters' chairman Hootie Johnson welcomes an international field to Augusta for the first leg in the 2005 Grand Slam.
"I'd like to welcome the players, the media, and viewers around the world to the Masters," says Johnson. "We have assembled a world-class field, and David Duval, shooting for the most prestigious title in the world of golf. Everyone is welcome in the clubhouse, with the exception of women, unless you're popping out of a giant birthday cake, visiting on behalf of a massage parlor, or if you are Mrs. Tiger Woods.
In the past few years, Augusta National's reputation has been sullied by those who claim our exclusive membership policy portrays us as misogynists. I'm not sure where people get that idea, and I don't care. All I know is that it's my pleasure to introduce our two newest members, Mr. Andrew "Dice" Clay and "Iron" Mike Tyson. As I'm sure you are all aware, I am now the only Hootie in the world, as a result of the demise of the band Hootie and the Blowfish. Have you seen the lead singer lately? He's doing a Burger King commercial."
In Wednesday's par-3 contest, Phil Mickelson, fresh off Monday's playoff win at the Bell South Classic, proudly shows up at the first tee, showing off his green jacket from last year's victory at Augusta.
"None of you will ever have one of these," Mickelson boasts to the stunned gallery gathered at the tee.
"You the man!" shouts a fan, oblivious to Mickelson's conceit.
"Phil, don't be so ornery," says Vijay Singh, approaching the tee. "I know you're upset that Arizona blew a 15-point lead to Illinois. Anyway, you're not the only one with a green jacket. I have one, and I'm also ranked No. 1 in the world."
"That's great, you Fijian fruitcake," snaps Mickelson, "but I went to Arizona State, you clown. Now stand back while I drop this eight-iron shot softly down on the lightning fast greens, manicured to perfection by greens keeper and top-flight gopher exterminator Carl Spackler. Hey, Vijay. Do you have tan lines?"
Singh is too embarrassed to reply, and doesn't notice Tiger Woods step up to the tee box, carrying his three green jackets, just dry cleaned, in a plastic cover from A Cleaner World.
"Did somebody say "green jackets?'" asks Wood. "The number's three, and, by late Sunday, it will be four. By the way, I have more exemptions to this tournament than you guys have major wins. While you guys count those on one hand, I'm going to nail this pitching wedge 190 yards and land it eight feet from the cup."
As Woods completes his follow-through, Jack Nicklaus approaches the threesome and comments with disdain, "You're all a bunch of suckers. I've got a green jacket for six days of the week, and I've got a major victory for over half the days in a month. I've also got more second-place finishes in more majors than you goofs have major firsts, seconds, and thirds combined. Now, step aside, and watch me roll the seven-wood to within inches of the cup. I just don't have the power in my swing that I used to."
Nicklaus swings, and tops the ball slightly, but it rolls 145 yards and stops four inches from the cup.
"Old man's still got it," says Woods, heading to the green.
Later in the day, Nicklaus aces the 12th, while Mickelson and Singh discuss the political climate of the United States/Fiji Islands' relationship. Woods hooks up with Sergio Garcia on the practice tee, and the two engage in a high-stakes trick shot contest while discussing the merits of Swedish supermodels and Swiss tennis ingénues.
Garcia blazes to a 68 in Thursday's opening round, besting 69s from Ernie Els and Americans Steve Jones, Chris DiMarco, and Mickelson. Woods struggles with his putter, but still manages an even par 72, as does South African Retief Goosen. The real excitement comes when LPGA star Laura Davies, working on behalf of the National Organization for Women, disguises herself as former CBS analyst Ben Wright (the transformation requires no makeup, just a coat and tie) and infiltrates the locker room. The ruse fools everyone, until Davies/Wright demonstrates her/his swing for fellow Brit Justin Rose.
"Bollocks! My bloody knockers are in my way!" cries Davies.
"See! Ben Wright was right!" yells Rose, as Davies flees, with Hootie Johnson in hot pursuit.
On Friday, Garcia holds the lead until the par 4 seventh, where he pulls his tee shot into the rough. On his ensuing approach shot, Garcia's six-iron comes out hot, and he flies his shot well past the green.
"I guess you'd call that a 'Spanish flyer,'" quips CBS on-course analyst Garry McCord, fingering his handle bar mustache. "Damn, I'm clever," McCord says to himself.
Garcia ends up with an eight, and his hopes for his first major are dashed.
"Yeah, but I still kick ass in the Ryder Cup," a defiant Garcia replies to a disappointed American heckler, who had hoped to razzle fan-favorite whipping boy, Scotland's Colin Montgomerie.
The leader at the end of Friday is American Davis Love III, who fires a 66 on Friday after receiving a pep talk from North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams. Love, along with DiMarco, comprises Saturday's final group. Wood's and Goosen, one shot back, are grouped, while Mickelson and Els pair up at two back. As Mickelson loosens up in the locker room early Sunday afternoon, Woods approaches with a proposition.
"Phil, I know we're not the best of pals, but we do have a few things in common," explains Woods. "We've both won majors; me, eight, you, one, and we're both married to hot chicks. Mine just happens to be way hotter. More importantly, we're both Americans, and we're both alumni of Pac-10 conference schools. Therefore, together, we can do our part and wipe these South African golfers off the face of the earth. I don't know about you, but I'm not a big fan of the Republic of South Africa, unless I'm being offered $1,000,000 just to appear at a tournament there. So, let's take care of Ernie and Retief. Let's show them that American golf is where it's at."
"I agree wholeheartedly, Tiger, at least about the South Africans," replies Mickelson. "What really irritates me is that I still don't know the correct pronunciation of their last names. Is it "Els' or "Else?' Is it "Goosen' or "Hoosen?'
"I'm not sure, Phil," responds Woods. "Let's just call them the only athletes from the Dark Continent who can't run a marathon in less than 2:10. Those Kenyans can run for days!"
Woods and Mickelson successfully achieve their plan, sending Els and Goosen packing, at least to the bottom of the leaderboard. Woods fires a 68 and Mickelson a 67, sending them into a tie atop the leaderboard after Love and DiMarco falter.
"We've got what everyone wanted," notes CBS's Ken Venturi.
"You're right, Ken," adds Venturi's broadcast partner, Jim Nantz. "A perfect opportunity to promote CBS's Sunday lineup. Don't miss 60 Minutes, followed by Cold Case, then..."
"No, you ingrate!" snaps Venturi. "I'm talking about Woods and Mickelson going toe to toe on Sunday at a major. Now, please, Jim, don't try to compare that to NCAA basketball."
Mickelson and Woods are neck and neck when they tee off at the par 3 12th, the middle of the famed three-hole stretch known as "Amen Corner." Mickelson tees off first, and lands an eight-iron tight, four feet from the cup. Woods matches with a nine-iron just inside of Mickelson's ball.
"Woods should get an exact read on Mickelson's putt," notes Venturi.
As the two rivals cross the Ben Hogan Bridge that spans Rae's Creek, a commotion erupts in the greenery surrounding the green. Wood's confrontational caddie, Steve Williams, enters the trees to investigate, only to find himself tossed back onto the green by none other than Happy Gilmore and The Price Is Right's Bob Barker, continuing their brawl from the blockbuster golf movie Happy Gilmore.
"Have your pet spade or neutered, you S.O.B.!" shouts Barker, as he delivers a knockout left cross to Gilmore.
Barker then descends upon Williams, and, in the commotion, Mickelson slinks over to Woods' unattended bag and pilfers his putter. When all is said and done, Woods is left without a putter and his caddie Williams, whom Barker tosses unconscious into Rae's Creek.
"I guess you'd call that a "Tiger Caddie Slam,'" McCord cracks, chuckling at his display of humor.
Woods consults Masters' officials for a ruling, but is left with no recourse but to carry his own bag and putt with his three-wood.
Mickelson drains his four-footer for birdie, and takes a one-stroke lead when Woods' birdie attempt lips out. Woods stays within one over the remaining six holes, and even sinks two birdie putts with his three-wood. Mickelson clinches his second-straight Masters title with a par putt on 18.
As Mickelson places his arms into his second green jacket, he takes a moment to thank his sponsors.
"I'd like to thank Ford Motor Company, Rolex, and Callaway Golf," says Mickelson. "And I'd also like to thank Bearing Point, although I'm still not sure what they do exactly. But they pay me millions to wear their hat, so I've got to give them a shout out. I'll see everyone at Pinehurst in June, where I'll be collecting the second leg of the Lefty Slam."
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