Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson's second-place finish in Atlanta, coupled with Kurt Busch's tire-troubled 32nd place result, allows Johnson to reclaim the top shelf in this week's power rankings.
"Yes, but it's a tenuous position to be in," explains Johnson. "Last week, I was on top of the Nextel Cup standing for all of two days before NASCAR pulled out their magic ruler, claimed my roof height was too low, and stole 25 points. Now, I'm a little worried that I was using an unapproved air freshener last Sunday in Atlanta. I've never sat down and read all 2,456 pages of the NASCAR rulebook, so I'm not sure if that 'Ocean Breeze' scent is legal."
Double J has more of a cushion to work with this week, 82 points to be exact, so, if NASCAR wishes to find an infraction to cost Johnson his points lead, it better be a big one. In the meantime, Johnson has chosen Judas Priest's "Breaking the Law" as his song of choice with which to endlessly taunt NASCAR.
Johnson has four top-10 finishes in six races the last three years at the banked .533-mile oval in Bristol, Tennessee, site of the next race, the Food City 500 on April 3. So Johnson is sure to maintain his points lead, unless he retires early, or is caught cheating. Look for Johnson battling for the lead at the end of the race.
2. Greg Biffle — Biffle led 151 of 325 laps, and was on his way to victory until a late caution evaporated his lead. After a subsequent pit stop, Biffle exited third and couldn't quite get back into the Johnson/Carl Edwards duel to the finish.
"Yeah, that's like going from the penthouse to the outhouse," explains Biffle. "And the feeling is like getting caught by your mother enjoying a Penthouse in the outhouse; pretty embarrassing."
Hey, don't feel bad, Greg. I know you may be worried that hair on your palms could hinder your driving, but that's just a myth. Besides, you're up one spot to second in the Nextel Cup standings.
Biffle may drive a car sponsored by the National Guard, but, right now, he leads a team called the "Roush Army," as slots two through five are occupied by Roush drivers.
"That's right," agrees Biffle. "It's a two team race right now; Roush versus Hendrick. In any other year, you would have to include Dale Earnhardt Incorporated cars in the mix. However, I think DEI now stands for 'Damn Engine's Inferior.'"
The Food City 500 will be a battle between Roush and Hendricks cars. Expect Biffle to be in the mix.
3. Carl Edwards — Edwards accomplished an improbable double last Sunday, winning the Busch Series' Aaron's 312 on Saturday and the Nextel Series' Golden Corral 500 on Sunday. Edwards successfully fought off two of auto racing's superstars, Tony Stewart on Saturday and Johnson on Sunday, to record his first career victories in both series.
"That's 812 miles of butt-kicking right there," says Edwards. "I'd like to thank my teammates, my crew, and the big man upstairs who's given me strength and spiritual guidance, Jack Roush. I don't know who he is, but I'd also like to thank this guy Aaron who sponsored the Busch race. And, to the good people at Golden Corral, I'll be redeeming my 'Win Busch and Nextel Race On Same Weekend, Win Free Dinner Buffet' coupon shortly. Props to my sponsor, Scott's, who offer a fine line of yard care products. Who would have imagined that seeing my car cross the finish line would encourage thousands of fans to immediately go outside and fertilize their lawns."
Actually, Carl, I think the most influential aspect of your success has to be your trademark victory celebration, the back flip. Just the other day, I parallel parked and only had to pull up once. I was so thrilled, I did a back flip off my hood. Of course, unlike you, I landed on my head. So, expect a call from my personal injury lawyers, since you're responsible for my misfortune.
Edwards won't be flipping at Bristol. It's a tough track to master, and the tight quarters results in lots of spins. But Edwards does have the expertise of teammate Kurt Busch, winner of the 2004 Food City 500, to guide him. A top-15 finish would suit the young Edwards just fine.
4. Kurt Busch — Busch was sucked in to the first lap accident in Atlanta, but escaped with only minor damage. He worked his way back to second place before a flat tire set him back, relegating the 2004 points champ to an eventual 32nd place finish.
"That's all in the past," says Busch. "The future is Bristol. I've got fond memories of that place. I've won four times there, including 2002 when I nudged Jimmy Spencer out of the way for the victory. I own that track."
You sure do, Kurt. And you've made a habit of running people off the track at Bristol. I'm sure you haven't forgotten that "Mr. Excitement" Spencer slugged you in the mouth at Michigan partly as a result of the hostilities that developed because of the Bristol incident.
"I feel no shame getting beat up by a man who outweighs me by 80 pounds," explains Busch. "I'm pretty much a pansy, in or out of a 3,400-pound car."
We aren't likely to see Busch/Spencer II in Bristol. Spencer may not even make the field, and if he does, and Busch passes him, the result is more likely to be Mr. Excitement going a lap down than losing the lead. What would be cool is a Busch versus Spencer Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots battle for charity. Busch may possibly get a punch in.
Bristol is Busch's favorite circuit, and following a less than satisfactory finish in Atlanta, he's gunning for no less than a top five. An outright win would not be a surprise.
5. Mark Martin — Martin's fourth place in Atlanta moved him up four spots to number five in the Cup standings, right behind Johnson and teammates Biffle, Edwards, and Busch.
"Man, I'm not even the number one guy on my team," laments Martin. "However, I am number one in the true test of a driver's skill: the International Race of Champions series, presented by Crown Royal. I've won the series four times, and I just won the 2005 opener in Daytona. I just want to say to all the drivers of Indy cars, Champ cars, Grand Am cars, World of Outlaw cars, and NASCAR, especially Kenseth and Busch: you can't touch this."
Martin's right. You put him in a supped-up Camaro, and he becomes the man. The same applied 27 years ago in Batesville, Arkansas when Martin was a teenager. Just ask any lady lucky enough to go cruising with Martin.
Whatever he's driving, Martin is always a factor. Sure, maybe he's never won a Nextel points race, but he's always had a say in who did.
6. Tony Stewart — Tony "Depot Man" Stewart fought a uncooperative car all day in Atlanta, culminating with a 17th place finish in which he was the last car on the lead lap.
"I think we made more adjustments to the car than Anna Nicole Smith's dressmaker has made to her wardrobe in the last year," notes crew chief Greg Zipadelli.
It's enough to make a driver frustrated. And, when Stewart gets frustrated, he either wins a race or runs somebody off the track.
"And at Bristol," adds Stewart, "you can easily do both. The bottom line is: if we don't nail the set — up early in the race, we're toast. Bristol is no place to be making more pit stops than you need. We want to get the No. 20 Joe Gibbs Racing Home Depot Chevrolet Monte Carlo to the front and keep it there."
Stewart won the August Bristol race back in 2001, but lately, has seen only moderate success there, with a best of 15th in 2002.
7. Ryan Newman — For the second straight week, Newman was on the pole, and, for the second straight week, failed to cash in with a victory. It all supports my theory that being on pole is the worst place to be for a NASCAR driver looking to win a race.
"Hey, it beats taking a provisional," replies Newman. "Some guys never see the front. At least I get a clear view of what's ahead of me and some clean air to drive through. Can Kyle Petty say he's done that?"
Good point, Mr. Poler Express. I guess it is nice to start at the front, which usually keeps you clear of any major accidents in the back of the pack.
"That's a good thing," Newman says. "Just ask anyone who was taken out in that first lap accident last week in Atlanta."
Newman has been on pole for the last two Food City 500's. This year should be no exception. Newman will start from the pole, but won't win this race, unless it's changed to the Food City 1. Then he's got a good chance of leading the only lap and winning the race.
8. Jeff Gordon — Gordon drops eight spots in the Cup standings, thanks to Casey Mears, who lost control of his Dodge on lap one in Atlanta and collected Gordon, along with several other cars, in a pileup that resulted in a red flag. Gordon ended the day in 39th place and now trails Johnson by 216 points.
"Yeah, thanks a lot, Casey Mears," Gordon complains. "I won't forget this. I will have my revenge. Luckily for me, your car has that big, red bulls-eye logo on it, so I will always know what my "Target" is. You'd think the nephew of four-time Indy 500 champ Rick Mears would have a better handle on the wheel. I should have known something was up when I saw that 'Driver's Education' topper on Mear's roof."
Gordon can expect an outcome much brighter in Bristol. He has qualified on the front row at the last two Bristol races. And, historically, Gordon has responded to 30th or worse finishes with top fives in the following races. Last year, he did it four times. My money's on Gordon to jump back into the top five in the Nextel points chase with a win in Bristol.
9. Elliott Sadler — Sadler put together his most consistent qualifying/racing performance of the year, starting 11th and finishing 10th in Atlanta. It was enough to allow Sadler to leapfrog five slots up in the Cup standings to eight, 198 behind Johnson.
"That's just what this team needed after Las Vegas," adds Sadler. "There, we started second, but only managed a 29th at the end. In Atlanta, we had the set — up right from the get go. We need that positive momentum heading into Bristol."
Sadler won the Food City 500 in 2001, but has seen the top ten only once at Bristol since then.
"Remember, I've got two things going for me that no one else has," explains the Emporia, Virginia native. "M&Ms on my hood, and a brother named 'Hermie.'"
10. Jamie McMurray — After a slow start to the season at Daytona, McMurray has reeled off three straight top-15 drives to propel himself into the power rankings for the first time this season. McMurray has risen with hard work, perseverance, and youthful desire.
"But the major reason for my success is this huge chip on my shoulder," explains McMurray. "He's called Chip Ganassi, my car owner. He's always breathing down my neck."
It's a wonder McMurray has time for racing, seeing that he's often busy rubbing shoulders with the Hollywood set, and appearing on television and in movies. McMurray soon will be featured on MTV: Cribs, and will appear in the Disney movie Herbie: Fully Loaded this summer. You can also catch McMurray on the new Bravo offshoot of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy called Queer Eye For the Straight Drive, in which famous racers are given a fashion makeover. If you wonder what Richard Petty looks like with a fanny pack, sandals, and a blonde mustache, this is the show for you.
McMurray has three top 10s in four career Nextel Cup races in Bristol. Obviously, the track appeals to him.
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