Romantic relationships and sports fanaticism are not alien to one another. Both involve love (you know, that nonsensical emotion that separates us from the robots), although the intensity of that love can vary from relationship to relationship. (I love the Devils more than the Nets, and the Jets more than the Mets. Does that mean I love the Jets more than the Nets, or the Nets more than the Mets? Place your bets...)
Both involve commitment, although unlike romance, there's usually no backing out of a sports relationship ... no matter how abusive or one-sided it is. In that sense, it's more familial than romantic; but overall, the flood of emotions that crest over a sports fan — the agony, the ecstasy, the insanity — are much more akin to physical or emotional bonds with the opposite (or same, for our Blue State readers) sex.
I've been in relationships with women who followed sports, watched sports, or tolerated sports. My first "real" girlfriend (i.e. non-inflatable) in high school was a huge hockey fan. She liked the Rangers; I liked the Devils. A Palestinian would have had a brighter future with an Israeli, but at least she dug sports.
My ex-wife, in contrast, was not a sports fan. She "tolerated" baseball and hockey, especially watching a game in the stadium. But she hated football. Notice I said "ex-"...
The girl I'm with these days is a hardcore NBA fan who watched the Super Bowl for the football and the commercials, hates baseball, and has yet to let the light of hockey into her heart. (It's just a matter of times, sweetheart.) Not only does she watch sports, she follows them. I don't have to change my sports viewing habits — if we go to the bar, we're both watching the game. She's already told me that when I move in this fall, I can purchase the NHL Center Ice pay-per-view package (you know, for scab hockey) so long as I buy her NBA Full-Court. Done and done.
Other guys and girls aren't so lucky. Their better halves are like parents who will allow their children just enough candy to keep them quiet but never enough to satisfy their sweet tooth. Sports viewing is rationed; a privilege, not a right. Many relationships work on some sort of barter system, wherein one person can watch sports if — and only if — the other person has something else to watch, such as "American Idol." Or if one person is doing something functional while watching sports. My father, for example, has ironed more shirts than a Korean dry cleaner in order to get in front of the television on a weekday evening.
So with March Madness upon us, obviously this is a stressful time for sports nuts, alumni, and amateur bracketologists. Some of us might be able to catch a full slate of games on a Saturday or Sunday. Others are going to have to be a hell of lot craftier, as they're dragged around town by their significant others for errands or mall-ratting or visiting Great Aunt Petunia.
Just in case you need it, here is:
THE SNEAKY BASTARDS' GUIDE TO WATCHING/LISTENING TO SPORTS WHILE OUT WITH YOUR NON-FAN BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND
1. Eating Out
Don't pick a sports bar for lunch or dinner, because your ass is going to get shot down. They're not stupid, no matter how many times they don't smell it on your breath. So meet them halfway, and head to a TGI Fridays or a Ruby Tuesdays. Ask the nice young lady with the crayon and the seating chart for a table near, but not at, the bar. The closer you get to that bank of TVs near the taps, the better. Before you sit down, quickly scope out the sight lines and choose the seat that maximizes your TV intake. PLEASE NOTE: Do not pick a seat that has a TV directly behind your date. They can tell you're not looking at them; like, for example, if you're supposed to be staring into their eyes, but are about two feet off the mark.
2. Head to Best Buy
What a great weekend to scope out that entertainment center you've been angling to buy for the house! Just stroll in, find a sales person, and begin asking questions about every facet of the equipment, from voltage to PC compatibility. With any luck, you'll be able to watch at least the second half of one of the early games ... and in HD, no less.
3. Stroll Around Town For a Little Window Shopping
Towns have bars. Bars have televisions. More importantly, they also have giant windows and, if need be, public restrooms you can slowly walk to.
4. Visit a Friend
Say you have to swing by and pick up some tools/work materials/drugs. Make sure it's a friend with a roommate ... an incredibly chatty roommate. Arrive at their place, and immediately engage the chatty roommate in some sort of conversation that your significant other can be ensnared into. ("Ohmygod, you watch "Lost," too?") Sit back, grab a brew, and watch some hoops while they speculate over the fate of Claire's baby...
5. The Car Radio
Turn on the local jock talk station while you two are driving to the supermarket or Target or Super Target, and pretend that you're waiting for "traffic and weather together on the fives." After about 25 minutes, tell him/her that you made an honest mistake, and that you were also wondering why the sports report was taking so long.
6. Phone a Friend
Have a buddy call you while you are stuck inside the mall for the afternoon. Pretend it's one of your parents calling you, as your friend lays the phone down next to the television. It's like carrying around a transistor radio, only without the geek guilt. (This plan especially comes in handy if you have unlimited weekend minutes.)
7. Buy a One-Way Ticket to Hell
This is like the nuclear bomb for the desperate sports fan. Think of it like a double reverse in football: pull it off and you're home free; get caught, and it's a drive-killer.
What am I talking about? The lie. The BIG LIE. Worse than "I have the runs," worse than "my dog ate it," worse than "tending to my sick grandmother."
I'm talking: "I'm volunteering in the burn ward at the Children's Hospital this afternoon," and then ducking over to the local watering hole for some doubleheader action.
You've been warned...
Greg Wyshynski is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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