Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kurt Busch — Busch still lacks a win this season, but has two third-place results and a second to give him the title of "Mr. Consistency." Busch's three-straight top fives maintain his firm grasp of the top spot in the power rankings. But is he even the fastest "Busch" in NASCAR? Younger brother and rookie Kyle finished one spot ahead of Kurt in Vegas.
"Big deal," says Kurt. "He beat me by a second or two. So what? I was born seven years before him. Sure, Kyle may someday be the fastest 'Busch,' but I'll always be the oldest."
Busch was second in the point standings until Tuesday, when NASCAR brought the hammer down on Jimmie Johnson's team for rules violations in Las Vegas.
"I'd like to comment on that in the voice of my favorite Saturday Night Live character, Mr. Subliminal," says Busch. "It looks as though, again, my major competition for the Cup crown is Jimmie Johnson (cheater). The No. 48 Lowe's Chevrolet team (cheaters) is a force to be reckoned with (pay your fines). I just hope we can fight this battle on even terms (check their rear spoiler height)."
Busch will be up front all day, and, at the end of the day, will still be your points leader, barring an accident.
"The important thing, though," adds Busch, "is that I beat my punk younger brother, who also happens to be a cheater."
2. Jimmie Johnson — As he did on the track in Las Vegas, Johnson passed Kurt Busch to momentarily claim the No. 1 spot in this week's rankings. Johnson captured his first win of the season by leading the Busch brothers, Kyle and Kurt, across the finish line.
"Two Busch's in the rear view mirror are better than one in front of you," Johnson says, removing his driver suit to reveal a t-shirt that reads "Big Johnson Engines: Hung Like Horsepower."
But what's this? NASCAR fined Johnson 25 points for failing a post-race inspection. Johnson's crew chief, Chad Knaus, was suspended for two races and fined $35,000. Car owner Jeff Gordon was docked 25 owner points.
"But the win still stands, baby!" yells Johnson. "Who says cheaters never win? So what if my car's on steroids? It's just some silly little rule about the roof height of my car being too low. Who cares about that? Those NASCAR officials are so damn picky. Psst! Here's a little secret, just between you and me. If they had looked in the trunk under the spare tire, they would have found a dime bag and a hash pipe. But they didn't."
All eyes will be on Johnson, and the rule book, in Atlanta.
3. Jeff Gordon — Gordon quickly moved himself back near the front of the Nextel Cup standings, moving up six spots with a fourth place finish in Vegas. And, with the usual troublemakers (Kevin Harvick, Robby Gordon, Tony Stewart) having uneventful days, Gordon took it upon himself to start a feud of his own with Penske driver Ryan Newman.
Gordon and Newman bumped and grinded late in the race, as both were battling for position. Gordon subsequently tapped Newman, and the feud was on, as both bad-mouthed the other in typical NASCAR fashion: while speaking to reporters after the race. Despite their newfound differences, Gordon and Newman have one thing in common: an affinity for quarter midgets.
"Hey, bud," cries Gordon, "you leave our sexual preferences out of this. This is strictly about racing."
Easy, Boy Wonder. I'm talking about the little race cars, not smaller-than-small midget strippers. But what you do behind closed garage doors is your business.
As usual, Gordon is a threat to win any race, so anything beyond a top-five will be a disappointment for the Dupont Monte Carlo.
4. Greg Biffle — Biffle and his goofy grin move up four spots to No. 4 with a strong sixth-place finish in Vegas, and that, coupled with a No. 3 qualifying effort on Friday, solidified Biffle's status as a true contender in the Chase for the Cup.
"That's right," says Biffle. "Me and my goofy grin are here to stay. My goal is to win the Nextel Cup and claim my rightful place in history as the only driver to win the Craftsman Truck, Busch Series, and Nextel Cup crowns. It's the auto racing Triple Crown. Sure, plenty of horses have won the Triple Crown, but they weren't driving anything, were they?"
Hey, at least they were running under their own power. I bet you couldn't win anything with a 105-pound horse jockey on your back, could you?
Biffle finished eighth last year in Atlanta, so, chances are he'll be in the top 10 again.
5. Tony Stewart — Stewart managed a 10th-place finish despite a series of unfortunate events, including a spin, a pit road accident, and a few racing incidents that left his No. 20 Home Depot Chevrolet Monte Carlo beaten and battered.
"Yeah, I felt like I was driving amongst the blind out there," bemoans Stewart. "Just a note to all you other drivers. My car is orange for a reason: so y'all can see it. Dang, I'm lucky my airbag didn't deploy during that race."
In last year's Atlanta race, Stewart led the most laps on the way to a seventh place finish, so I'm sure Turbo Tony is anxious for nothing less than a win this year.
6. Ryan Newman — Newman was unable to translate his pole win in Vegas into victory in the race. But then again, does anyone ever in NASCAR? Rarely.
"But it sure is nice lead a pack of 43 cars on a leisurely cruise around the track two or three times," says Newman. "It's like a funeral procession, and, as you know, nothing beats being in the lead car in a funeral procession."
Uh, Ryan. Doesn't being in the lead car in a funeral procession usually mean you're dead?
In any case, Newman's Vegas pole should be the first of many this year for NASCAR's best qualifier. And his current feud with Jeff Gordon should be the first of several run-ins Newman will have with various other drivers. Hell, he already hates his teammate, Rusty Wallace.
"Hold it right there, pal," cautions Newman. "I'm calling a truce to all my feuds. If 50 Cent and The Game can make peace, so can Ryan Newman and all my enemies. All I am saying is give peace a chance."
Great, Ryan. But do me a favor. Go mention 50 Cent and The Game to your car owner, Roger Penske. My guess is he'll take that as a challenge in a game of pinball. That man is a Pinball Wizard.
This week, chances are Newman will make it two straight poles. He's been on pole for the last two 500s in Atlanta, including the track record in 2003. Expect Newman to start first and finish somewhere in the 6-10 range.
7. Kevin Harvick — Harvick darts into the power rankings as a result of his masterful drive in Vegas. After starting in the 42nd starting position, Harvick picked his way through the field, eventually crossing the line in fifth place, which improved his Nextel Cup standing from 13th to eighth.
"And the most amazing thing is," adds Harvick, "I didn't piss anyone off or wreck anyone in the process. It feels awfully strange not to be called into the NASCAR penalty box after the race. I was growing quite fond of that place."
Not so fast, K-Ha. On Tuesday, Harvick fell victim to the fine-happy NASCAR officials, who swiped 25 points for fuel cell violations in Vegas qualifying. That drops him back to tenth in the Cup standings.
If "Happy" Harvick can keep his emotions in check and bottle his rage and use it as motivation, then he can be dangerous. Not dangerous as in he's going to run someone into a wall, but dangerous meaning a threat to win. Who gave Harvick the nickname "Happy" anyway? Isn't that like calling a 6-6, 300-pound man "Tiny?"
8. Rusty Wallace — Wallace fought an ill-handling car all day, and dropped as far back as 29th before numerous pit stops and adjustments finally remedied the No. 2 Dodge Charger's looseness. Rusty was then able to work his way to 12th in the race's final seventy laps, moving him up a notch to seventh in the Cup standings.
"I'm very proud of that drive," says Wallace, "but I'm even prouder to announce the 'Rusty Wallace Cruise' on the 110,000-ton Carnival cruise ship Valor in December. I don't know how they're gonna fit that giant boat in the Mississippi River, but for all you rednecks who are a sucker for anything with my name on it, this is the boat ride for you. Take out a second mortgage and get your tickets now."
Rusty, I believe the ship sets sail to the Caribbean, which is a sea. But I bet you could sell more tickets to a cruise on the Mississippi.
Wallace has qualified well in Atlanta, with an 11th in 2004 and a seventh in 2003, but has only managed a best finish of 15th. If the No. 2 Miller Lite team can get the set-up dialed in early in the race, Wallace could produce. However, if it takes them two-thirds of the race to find that balance, it could be a long Sunday.
9. Mark Martin — Martin started the race 19th, but lost a cylinder about a third into the race. After a trip to the garage, Martin returned to the race, only to finish 30th, 24 laps down to the leaders.
"In the interest of plugging, no pun intended, for my car's sponsor, Viagra," Martin explains, "let me describe my day for you. I'd certainly call it a flaccid performance. We lost a cylinder early on, and, after that, we just couldn't find our stroke. You'd think seven cylinders would be enough, but apparently, quantity, as well as size, matters. The car just didn't have the stamina today. Everybody went home frustrated."
Martin's engine trouble is likely an isolated incident, as the other Roush Racing cars finished in the top 17, and all completed the race.
"This time, I'm going all out for the win," Martin says. "If someone is in my way. I'm going to move them. The No. 6 Viagra Ford Taurus was made for hard racing. I need victories, not top-10s. "
10. Carl Edwards — Edwards rounds out the top 10 as the fourth Roush driver in the rankings. Edwards drove the No. 99 World Financial Group Ford to a 14th place finish in Sin City.
"Honestly," says Edwards, "I think the other drivers still assume that Jeff Burton is driving this car. For years, No. 99 has been associated with Burton. Apparently, they just have a lot of respect for him, because it seems that many of the guys are letting me pass pretty easily. Also, it doesn't hurt that I'm signing autographs for the fans as 'Jeff Burton.'"
Edwards should have a good working relationship with the track in Atlanta. Last year, in the Craftsman Truck Series, Edwards qualified third and finished seventh in the race. Solid driving and reliable Roush power should continue to keep Edwards flying under the radar.
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