Baseball’s Coming to Washington

It's been alleged that steroids have been a mainstay in baseball for at least the last two decades. Superstars are now facing suspicion after being outed in books, grand jury testimonies, and the media.

It's also become increasingly apparent that the problem of steroids in sports isn't relegated just to the professional ranks. Families all over America are concerned about the drug's impact on their children. It turns out high schoolers are just as interested in juicing as they are in homecoming and prom.

There is a great drive to find out the who's, when's, where's, and why's. The public is clamoring for the truth, for someone to set things right and tell us what we want to know.

Who you gonna call?

Rest easy, folks, the U.S. House of Representatives is on the case.

I feel better already.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention I have a bastardized version of the Ghostbusters song running through my head right now.)

Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, Curt Schilling, Sammy Sosa, Frank Thomas, and Rafael Palmeiro were all asked to appear at the hearings on March 17th, as were Bud Selig, Donald Fehr, and San Diego GM Kevin Towers.

Jose Canseco, Curt Schilling, and Frank Thomas have already agreed to testify, but others have decided to fight the subpoenas. As of yet, it is unclear who exactly will make the trek to Washington D.C., or exactly what they will say.

Surely, Canseco will have no problems telling the House Committee for Government Reform anything they want to know. If his 60 Minutes interview is any indication, we can look forward to some hum dingers.

MIKE WALLACE: Where do you inject it?

JOSE CANSECO: Into your gluteus maximus, which is your butt muscle.

Who knew Canseco could be so well-spoken while being so informative?

Perhaps the only question is whether Tom Davis or Dennis Kucinich will be the first to ask a player about their butt or testicles. (I'll put Kucinich at 4-1 odds, only because he's crazy. He's also at 50-1 odds to be the first to make a joke about Viagra and Palmeiro.)

It's also apparent that Canseco has been slyly preparing for a possible appearance in front of Congress, as his interview with Mike Wallace shows him practicing the cadence and backtracking speech necessary to appear in this honest and justice-driven arena.

JOSE CANSECO: Well, I think it was more inject ourselves. I think I injected him — I mean this is a long time ago. Once or twice for sure. I didn't keep track, but...

And the definition of "is" is?

Beyond Jose, it'll be hard to predict what witnesses will tell the committee. There are no real dangers for criminal prosecution at the moment, but the verdict in the court of public opinion could be just as severe for some of the players. Will they open up and answer all questions faithfully, or will they take the fifth?

It will partly depend on whether the questions are more like a Randy Johnson fastball or the flat, straight, 85 mph lobs from middle relievers that became donations to Sosa and McGwire during their historic season.

Personally, if Mark McGwire would prefer not to answer questions about his alleged George Michael-esque behavior with Canseco, I'd like to see him try to distract the committee with a "fat man in a little suit" routine.

Perhaps Sammy Sosa can, instead of taking the fifth, engage the members of Congress in an hour-long tutorial on his home run hand celebration? They could use it to celebrate passing clutch legislation.

Who's going to blame them? In a court of law, you need more than uncorroborated testimony from an accomplice. Unfortunately, the only "evidence" during this preposterous exercise will be Canseco's allegations. Fact or not, no one can prove anything.

What's said on March 17th in the hearings is going to dominate the news cycle for at least a couple of days. It's enough that they are Congressional hearings, but this one is celebrities, athletes, and drugs, so it's sexy. It's a dream for the media.

My only request is that Darrell Hammond cover the hearings as Geraldo.

"Yes, this is Geraldo and I'm just back from the Congressional hearings on steroids and baseball. I can report that Jose Canseco said, and I quote, 'Geraldo, that sexy man, could have been the best baseball player of all time. Yes, I injected Geraldo, that sexy man.' This is in fact true, as I was in the stall next to Canseco and McGwire in Oakland looking for Osama bin Laden when curiosity got the best of me and I ended up with a needle in my ass."

Why not? It would just add to the three-ring, 17-muscle forehead, 75-inch bicep circus that is sure to surround the arrival of some of the biggest names in baseball history.

The question still remains — what, if anything, is going to get done?

Is it good that the headlines in the next day's paper will be about what Sammy, Mark, Jason, Jose, and Frank said? Is there a small chance that the issues at hand, steroid use by children and the serious health problems that come with it, might be obscured?

How many column inches do you think the testimony by the doctors or families of youth steroids users will get? I can tell you right now, it won't be on page A1.

It seems that spot is reserved for New York Times bestsellers.

One could say that bringing some of the most recognizable faces in baseball to the hearings will bring public attention to the situation, and give Congress more political capital to bring about a solution. Unfortunately, I'm convinced they are more concerned with scoring a couple of autographs than doing anything constructive, and their insistence on making March 17th a circus is evidence of that.

Steroids have been the biggest issue in the offseason, and not just for baseball fans. We've seen the media frenzy, we've heard the apologies and the rants, and we've had enough.

They are grown men, they did what they did, and baseball is making at least a half-hearted effort to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Yes, there should be a discussion about the 1990's era of baseball and the records that were set by players now under suspicion of taking steroids. But, it's just not a conversation that should take place at Congressional hearings.

Let that time be an opportunity to genuinely focus on the health and well being of the children now playing the game. If they are trying to emulate their professional, chemically-enhanced heroes, perhaps putting these athletes front and center in Washington isn't the best way to stop them.