The Fictional Randy Moss Interview

So Randy, how do you feel about becoming a Raider and playing in the "Black Hole"?

Randy Moss: "I'm stoked, dog. Those Raider fans are crazy. Who wouldn't want to play in a stadium where some of the fans wear shoulder pads? I can definitely see finishing my career here. You know the old saying: 'Once you go Black Hole, you never go back.'"

Could you explain your relationship with Mike Tice?

RM: "Oh, that's easy. He was my coach."

I mean, how did you two get along?

RM: "I thought we got along well. I guess you could say we had a father-son relationship; Mike being the father and me being the son who really didn't listen to a word he said."

What ultimately led to the end of Randy Moss in Minnesota?

RM: "I guess, ultimately, it was a combination of the leaving the field incident in Washington and the mooning incident in Green Bay. That's nitpicking in my book. The bottom line is Randy Moss can't operate on a short leash. I need at least two miles of slack. In Minnesota, they tried to keep me on a one-mile leash. Not enough."

Randy, you say being criticized for leaving the field and mooning fans is "nitpicking." If I were to do the same at my job, I would be fired immediately. What's your response?

RM: "I'd have to say get a real job, sucker. Look, if you had Packer fans sitting near your desk and heckling you all day, you'd probably do a lot worse than mooning them. Me just mooning them? That's called self-restraint, Randy Moss style. Anyway, I paid $10,000 for that mooning, so it's not like I wasn't punished. That's like you being fined $1.50; will it break you? No. Does it hurt your wallet? Yes."

What kind of relationship do you expect with Norv Turner?

RM: "Who?"

Norv Turner, your new coach.

RM: "Oh, him. Well, when I came to Oakland, they told me I was supposed to answer to that old guy with the slicked-back hair who wears black."

Elvis Presley?

RM: "No, I think his name is Al. Al Davis. I expect to see his name on my paycheck."

Were you surprised to be traded?

RM: "No, I wasn't surprised to be traded. I was, however, surprised at how little the Vikings wanted in return for the greatest receiver of all time. I mean, the No. 7 pick and some linebacker named Napoleon Harris? Damn, I just made that boy famous. The Raiders get me, plus an ass-load of Randy-baggage, and that's all the Vikes want in return? What team wouldn't kill to be in Oakland's place?"

Well, Randy, I think more teams would have been interested if they could have just got you without the Randy-baggage. Your reputation precedes you.

RM: "That don't sound like no question, dog."

Let me put it this way: if you could put up Randy Moss numbers with Marvin Harrison personality, then you would be even more desirable trade bait.

RM: "That still ain't no question, but I'll answer any way. First of all, Marvin Harrison ain't no Randy Moss on the field. Second of all, Randy Moss ain't no Marvin Harrison off the field. If Marvin wants to live the life of Bill Cosby off the field, more power to him. But I'm still young and immature; I'm still living the life of early Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy, just without the freebasing accident and the incident with the transvestite. Apparently, Oakland was the only team willing to benefit with me on the field and not worry about me off the field."

Why did you choose #18 as your jersey number?

RM: "As you know, Jerry Porter wears #84 for the Raiders. I told Jerry to just keep #84, because I don't want the Raiders' fans who already have Jerry Porter jerseys, all 17 of them, to feel the need to take the 'Porter' off the back of the jersey and add 'Moss.' That would be disrespectful to Jerry. Besides, 'R' is the 18th letter of the alphabet; 'R' as in 'Randy.' Eight minus one is seven. 'G' is the seventh letter of the alphabet, and Gene is my middle name. And 18 is the number of touchdowns I plan on scoring with the Raiders in 2005."

That's quite a lofty goal, and, I must say, I don't know any black dudes named "Gene."

RM: "See, it don't matter how you look at it. Randy Moss is one of a kind."

What's the first thing you did when you arrived in Oakland?

RM: "I went clubbing with Charles Woodson and passed my Raider brotherhood initiation rites."

What would that be? Getting drunk and committing a Class 3 felony?

RM: "Man, are you crazy? You got the getting drunk right, but all I had to do was sucker-punch an autograph seeker. I've done that plenty of times before."

Your relationship with fans could be categorized as love-hate. They either love you or they hate you. How do you respond to that?

RM: "They're entitled to their opinion, and so am I. As far as the way I feel about fans, it's a hate-hate relationship. Those fans that love me, I hate them. Those fans that hate me, I hate them more."

What will you miss most about Minnesota?

RM: "I think I'll miss being public enemy No. 1. In Oakland, I've got a lot a competition for that title. And I'll miss the Mall of America. Certainly not the football."

Can we expect Randy Moss to be on his best behavior in Oakland?

RM: "The way I see it, Oakland is a place to come where you can put your troubles behind you, or at least into the hands of a good lawyer. You know, if I have to go to court, there's a good chance it might be televised out here. It's all about face time with me."

Do you look forward to playing with Kerry Collins?

RM: "Not as much as he looks forward to playing with me. He's no Daunte Culpepper, but I can make him one."

How good do you expect the Raiders to be in 2005?

RM: "As good as I can make them. I'm going to try something different this year. It's called effort. In Minnesota, I gave about 75%. It's a new day for me in Oakland; a fresh start, if you will. Which means I'll give more than 75%. I'm talking effort in the 80% range; I can even see topping off in the low 90s. It all spells Super Bowl for the Raiders."

What excites you most about playing in the AFC West?

RM: " I would have to say burning Champ Bailey. I also hear the Raiders and the Chiefs are a huge rivalry, so I look forward to hating the Chiefs."

Do you have any regrets about your time in Minnesota?

RM: "You know, all this time I've been in Minnesota, I never took the time to go ice fishing."

Are you being facetious?

RM: "I don't know who she is, but I like her name."

No, I mean are you kidding about the ice fishing?

RM: "What do you think, fool? I'm a black man living in Minnesota. I play football indoors. The only time I go outside during the season in to go from my car to our practice facility. Randy Moss don't mess with the cold weather, unless I'm in Chicago scoring on the Bears. So, yes, I am kidding about ice fishing. The only ice I care about is the chunk in my left earlobe."

Very well. You do know they have earthquakes in Oakland?

RM: "Yeah, but only during the World Series. So if the A's don't make it to the Series, I have nothing to worry about. An earthquake's a once in a lifetime thing; it's cold every damn day in Minnesota."

Okay, Randy. Let's play word association. Parking attendant?

RM: "Hood ornament."

Joe Buck?

RM: "Punk."

Red McCombs?

RM: "Geezer."

Mrs. Red McCombs?

RM: "Skeezer."

Favorite heavenly body?

RM: "Halle Berry."

Favorite fans?

RM: "Cheeseheads."

Favorite snack food?

RM: "Moon pie."

Favorite child of Frank Zappa?

RM: "Moon Unit."

Favorite former NFL quarterback?

RM: "Warren Moon."

Favorite Neill Young song?

RM: "Harvest Moon."

Who's your daddy?

RM: "Bob Marley."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

RM: "To beat the double-team, fool."

Give me your stat line for 2005.

RM: "84 receptions. 1,300 yards. As I said before, 18 TDs. $18,500 in NFL fines. Two charges. One plea bargain. Zero convictions. No jail time. 125 hours community service."

What's in the immediate future for Randy Moss?

RM: "Me walking out of this interview. See ya'!"