Sports Q&A: Steroids, Moss, and Lockout

Derek from Knoxville, Tennessee asks, "What do you think about Jose Canseco and the fact that he thinks steroids should be a normal part of life?"

Great question, Derek, one that I'm unable to answer until I inject some steroids directly into my brain. Just a second. Ahhh, there we go. I can already feel the quality of my life improving as I speak. Okay, now to your question.

First off, as far as Jose Canseco goes, I'm impressed by anyone who proclaims himself the "Godfather of Steroids." That's just a cool title to have, almost as cool as being called the "Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah." If I were Canseco, I'd have my mail delivered to "Godfather Of Steroids." Mail carriers love delivering to bogus addressees. Now, as far as Canseco's credibility is concerned, he has none. The man was wearing lipstick in his interview with Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes, for God's sake.

But just because someone has no credibility does not mean they're not telling the truth. Look at O.J. Simpson. Canseco has readily offered to take a polygraph test. I think he would pass. He's voluntarily offering this information, while others (Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Jason Giambi, etc.) can't give a straight answer.

We all complain when players withhold information, but now, when one has controversial information to offer, we accuse him of lying? Either they are all liars, or they are all telling the truth. Either way, somebody is doing steroids. I tend to believe Canseco's "'Roid Rage Against the Machine." I also tend to believe that had Canseco not been on steroids, we would have heard a lot more about his relationship with Madonna.

Should steroids be a normal part of life? No. I think that's entirely the point. If you do steroids, you lose all claim to normality, at least in this day and age. Maybe someday in the future, when Canseco is Commissioner of Baseball, President of the United States, or Head of the Loyal Order of Moose, he can push his steroid agenda. But being simply the "Godfather of Steroids" does not entitle one to such action. Now, at some point down the road, oh, say 20 years or so, we may be popping steroids like One-A-Days, and athletes may be nutless, freaks of nature with two biceps per arm, and necks may be obsolete. But until then, athletes must follow the rules, and the rules say "no steroids."

Nikki from Parts Unknown asks, "To whom do you think Randy Moss will be traded? And how do you think he will perform?

Funny you should ask, Nikki. Moss was just traded to the Ravens for a first-round pick and an afro to be named later. No, I'm just kidding. This whole "Moss being traded" deal has been blown out of proportion. Moss is staying in Minnesota, where he's the boss, and rightly so, since he is the face of the franchise. Whether you see that face as a pass-catching, jersey-selling, touchdown machine, or a trouble-making, moon-shooter with an attitude depends on your opinion of Moss.

You either love Randy or you hate him. His coach loves him; his teammates love him. The city loves him. Coaches of teams with sorry receivers love him. If the Vikings were willing to part with 12-14 touchdowns a year and the millions of dollars of signing bonus they gave to Moss years earlier, then he would be traded. But this is Randy Moss. There's no way the Vikes can let Moss go when he is the centerpiece of their offense. Besides, who would taunt Packers fans, and who would they taunt?

Ask any Packers fan who was present at the Minnesota/Green Bay playoff game in January in which Moss "mooned" the crowd, and they'll tell you that was the cleverest "rib" perpetrated on Green Bay fans ever. Like they say in that Guinness Beer commercial: "Brilliant!" The bottom line is: Moss is too valuable to trade, and the Vikings can deal with the problems that come with Randy Moss, as long as he produces.

If I'm wrong and Moss is traded, the Ravens seem to be the most interested. Whether or not Moss is interested in them is an issue. If Terrell Owens can reject the Ravens, can't Moss? It makes sense that a receiver would rather play for a team with a quarterback, which is a term occasionally used to describe Kyle Boller. And would Moss really want to play with Ray Lewis, whom I'm sure would not hesitate to get in Moss' grill if Randy got slack. Randy doesn't want that, does he? No, dog.

Randy stays in Minnesota, catches 85 passes for 1,345 yards and 15 TDs, and even throws a couple of downfield blocks. Moss also stars in a MTV reality series entitled Hustler: On the Field With Randy Moss.

Kevin Hohl asks, "What REALLY will happen if the NHL cancels the season?"

It's not a question of if anymore. The NHL and dorky commissioner Gary Bettman canceled the season on Wednesday. What does this mean? Personally, it means I can utilize approximately 30 hours of television time in June on something besides a seven-game series in which every game goes into double overtime. Not that I'd rather watch something other than hockey, because overtime hockey playoff games are hard to beat for excitement. And I know we'll all miss our Barry Melrose mullet fix.

In the overall picture, I don't think fans will be alienated that much by the cancellation of the season. Sure, they'll moan and complain now, but next season, if there is a next season, they'll be breaking down doors to see a hockey game. Especially those Canadians. Eh, you hosers? Fans will forgive the players. After all, hockey players make the least amount of salary in comparison to the three other major sports, baseball, basketball, and football.

By no means am I saying that hockey players can't support a family on what they make, like that poor soul Latrell Sprewell, but, I'd have to say they earn their pay more than most professional athletes, and they probably don't have a dental plan. Now, the owners? They're all a bunch of greedy bastards, so they better reduce some ticket prices next year, or fans might rebel. And by rebel, I mean go to a game with a sign that says "(Owner's name), what's your problem, you puckhead?"

So, in short, I don't foresee many long-term negative effects on NHL hockey as a result of the season cancellation. The players and the owners can go to their neutral corners and realize that they've ruined hockey for this season. But there's always next season. Besides, ESPN can now fully devote their programming to promote the Professional Bowlers' Association as the world's foremost pin-striking sport, a position it rightly deserves. And the lack of hockey will also open the door for more Tilt marathons.

Get Your Questions Answered!

Do you have a question or a comment? Want to tell me I'm an idiot? Need help with your homework? Need bail money? Want to know next week's Powerball numbers? Then send me your questions/comments/insults with your name and hometown to [email protected]. You may get the answer you're looking for in the next column on Friday, March 4rd.

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