Slant Pattern’s Odds and Ends

Culled from the headlines...

Lower Court Decision Upheld, Ricky
Williams Must Pay Dolphins $8.6 mil

I've defended Ricky before (and I am sure I will again), but if he didn't live up to the terms of the contract he signed, of course he should be held liable.

I imagine that, with no other way to pay back the Dolphins, we will see Williams back in the NFL. He'll sign with someone like the Raiders, who will orchestrate a deal that satisfies both Miami's wishes to see return or repayment on their investment and doesn't force Ricky to simply hand over his weekly paycheck from the Raiders to the Dolphins.

But suppose Ricky does stay retired. After all, no one can force him to return to professional football. He's not going to be able to raise $8.6 no matter how many water bongs he endorses. So then what happens? There's no such thing as debtor's prison anymore. The feds can repossess all his belongings and probably not approach the $8.6 million amount Williams owes.

Do you have bad credit? No credit? Well then, not only is that not a problem at Auto Joe's car hut, but you have probably received harassing phone calls and letters from creditors and collection agencies. I certainly have. How does the face of those phone calls change when you owe not $1,100 to Visa, but $8.6 million to the Miami Dolphins?

(Phone rings )
Ricky: Hello?
Collection Agency Representative: Hey, is Ricky around? (Note to those who have never been seriously delinquent on a bill: debt collectors almost always go for the "familiar friend" opening salutation, hoping you will think it's actually a familiar friend on the line and not Shylock).
Ricky: Um, speaking.
CAR: Hello, Ricky, I'm calling in regards to the $8.6 million dollar debt you have not repaid to the Miami Dolphins. Are you familiar with the debt in question?
Ricky: Um ... no!
CAR: Sir, our records indicate...
Ricky: No habla ingles.
CAR: Sir, we are only calling to inquire how you intend to repay the $8.6 million...
Ricky: Oh! I think you are looking for my brother, Ricky.
CAR: Sir, you indicated that you are Ricky Williams at the onset of this phone call.
Ricky: But that's still my brother, Ricky, the football player. I'm Ricky the trumpet washer. It's like the Foreman kids, all named George. 'Cept we're all named Ricky.
CAR: Okay. May we speak to Ricky the football player?
Ricky: He's in the shower.
CAR: Can you get him out of the shower?
Ricky: No.
CAR: But it's a matter of great importance.
Ricky: I'm sorry, who's calling?
CAR: This is his bank (another thing I've heard collection agencies claim).
Ricky: No habla ingles.
CAR: Sir...
Ricky: Gotta go. (Hangs up).

Again, everyone knows what happens next if you've been harassed by debt collectors: you unplug the phone for the next six months, and get a cell phone. It's such a simple way to pretend you don't have debt! We will get into part two, "Asking friends if you can move into their basement," next week.

***

I've done a lot of bashing of Phil Mickelson in this space, but is he on a tear or what? Two victories (both with Vijay Singh in the field) by five strokes in two weeks? Wow. My chief complaint against Mickelson has been that he only seems to play up to his ability in majors and just seems to shake hands and sign autographs on the regular tour stops, but we can't say this about him right now, can we? And if he plays anywhere near this level for the rest of the year, we have to start mentioning his name as the best player in the world.

Meanwhile, I almost feel like someone is daring Freddie Mitchell to say the stupidest things possible, or just straight-up paying him. In light of that theory, here are my predictions of what else he will say in the next sit months:

• Winning in Week 3 is more important than winning the Super Bowl.
• You should drop a few passes a game to show humility.
• My priorities in life, in order, are Ms. PacMan, family, faith, baseball, and football.
• I'm changing my name to Mitchmaster Flex.
• I want the Eagles to start paying me in cans of Bumblebee Tuna.

Final thought: why doesn't anyone understand that Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds' alleged former mistress Kimberly Bell don't want to make accusations about steroids, but they have to because they are Crusaders for truth and justice, and any of you sorry saps reading this had one percent of the integrity they had, the world would be a better place!

Just kiddin'.