In honor of Valentine's Day, this week's edition of the Sports Gospel will be co-authored by my valentine and girlfriend, Amanda Hughes (this is her gift — just kidding, it's yours — just kidding again).
I thought the SG could use a woman's touch, so for one week (and one week only), I've decided to share the bully pulpit and bring in Amanda to give a different perspective on a few issues and to partake in the Great American's Valentine's Day Word Association Special (more on this later).
Issue #1
What was supposed to be a magical moment at Sunday night's Orlando Magic basketball game instead turned into an embarrassing memory for one man. The unidentified man asked his girlfriend to marry him in front of thousands of fans at the Magic's 97-94 victory over the New Orleans Hornets at the TD Waterhouse Centre.
"The man, who was standing on the court, dropped to a knee and asked the woman to marry him. Instead of answering, the woman turned and ran off the court with her face in her hands." — local6.com
Mark: This has got to be one of the funniest things I have seen in the news lately. It has to be the movie-esque ending that everyone is looking for in a love story. Guy works up the nerve to propose, picks out the perfect ring, maybe he even asks the girl's dad for permission to marry her. He then sets up everything with the people at the Waterhouse Centre and then, during the game, in front of thousands and thousands of fans, he asks the love of his life to marry him ... and she starts running away like she was a sandwich and he was William "The Refrigerator" Perry. This guy is going to have to carry this around with him the rest of his life; he may end up joining a support group with Steve Bartman and Jeffrey Maier.
Amanda: Since when are the Hornets from New Orleans? Weren't they the Charlotte Hornets? Honestly, I feel really bad for the guy. I guess I have a lot of questions regarding the incident, why did she run away? What happened? Where did she run to, what did the guy do? Even if she wanted to say no, she could've said yes in front of everyone, and then said no off the court. This sounds like the plot of an Adam Sandler movie. I wish I could've been in the stands, even though it was sad, it would've been pretty hilarious.
Issue #2
Reports have stated that the mistress of Barry Bonds has come out and said that he bullies her by pretending to smack her when she says something he doesn't like, and then he laughs maniacally when she flinches.
Mark: This is simply great. The only image I have of Bonds is a serious, graven Barry. This Barry seems to be loving life. I just don't get to see him having fun and messing around. I'm glad to see Barry lighten up and I'm sure it was nothing serious. What kind of treatment does she want, she's a mistress? What differentiates the mistress from a prostitute, anyway? If she wants to be a mistress, she has to understand that she is a toy and not a person (this story could only be funnier if the girl actually believed that Barry loved her).
Amanda: If the mistress came out with these allegations, does that mean they aren't together anymore? I don't know that she can expect any sympathy; after all, she is a mistress. The home-wrecker should be smacked and so should Bonds, for that matter. Sometimes a smack can keep somebody in order, so I'm not totally against it. Besides, it helps me with Mark.
***
The last part of the column is devoted to a timeless classic, the Great American's Valentine's Day Word Association Special. This is the game that originated on-air on Valentine's Day and has been popular ever since (which has been several days now). The way the game is played is someone draws a conversation heart out of the candy bag and says the first thing that comes to their mind.
(I think the guy that writes the inscriptions has the best job ever. I bet he gets paid to sit around all day, brainstorming such brilliant phrases as "OH BOY" and "HUG ME." He even tries to be clever with the "UR A QT." It's sad to see him starting to lose his touch, though, with phrases like "FUNNY FACE." What exactly is that trying to say?)
#1 "Hi, Hun"
Mark: What William Green says to Kevin Johnson's wife.
Amanda: This is a dumb game. I'm going with the Hun invasion of Europe in the Middle Ages.
#2 URA QT
Mark: Maria Sharapova (err, Amanda ... crap)
Amanda: (After smacking Mark) You suck. I'm going with Oscar De La Hoya.
#3 Lover Boy
Mark: Shawn Kemp
Amanda: Kobe Bryant
#4 Time 4 Fun
Mark: March Madness. Good god, March Madness.
Amanda: Actually, I was going to say March Madness, too.
#5 Funny Face
Mark: Tonya Harding after a boxing match, with her two black eyes. Of course, then again, she probably has that black-eye trailer-trash look going 24/7.
Amanda: Terry Bradshaw. At least, his face is annoying.
#6 Ears to you
Mark: These hearts get lamer every year. Soon, I won't even understand them anymore. Anyway, I'm going with LeBron James. Here's to you LeBron, the next Jordan. After that, I drop another "here's to you to, Moeller Hockey, who is currently in their state playoff run" (shout out to my little bros, who are hockey studs).
Amanda: Here's to you, Sports Gospel readers, because if you can read Mark's writing, you can at least read at a first-grade level, so you've got that going for you, which is nice.
#7 Let's Play
Mark: The NHL lockout, what a joke. Just settle your crap and get on the freaking ice.
Amanda: Lockout. I think the NHL is stupid because no one is clamoring to watch hockey on TV in the first place. They (Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow) are only hurting themselves, not most sports fans. No one pays attention to you anyway, the worst thing that you could've done to the sport; you did better than anything else.
***
That concludes our SG Valentines Day special. Amanda definitely elevated the Sports Gospel to the next level, but next week things go back to normal and down a peg.
Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
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